He says: Are you sure you want dessert?
She hears:  Haven’t you had enough? You should eat less.

He meant:  If we leave right now maybe I can still catch the last quarter of the big game on TV.

When our feelings get hurt while communicating with loved ones, we are typically reacting to what we think the other person meant rather than to what he or she actually said.

However, since meanings are frightfully easy to misinterpret (and most of us are not very good mind-readers), the next time you start to feel angry, defensive, or hurt by something someone has said to you, try responding like this:

I’m not sure what you mean by that…

in as gentle and neutral of a tone as you can.

By putting your reaction on hold until you are clear about the other person’s true intention, you’ll be able to derail unnecessary conflicts before they drain time, love, and energy from your relationship.

The idea you owe me causes a great deal of suffering and conflict in relationships. Obligation is never a satisfying motivation, whether you are on the giving end or the receiving end of the resulting action.

Our minds often keep score in our relationships, and then try to guilt ourselves or others into keeping the tally even.

But our hearts simply want to give, and hold no expectation of reciprocity.

Try conducting yourself as if no one owes you anything, and see how your relationships change.

Even after all this time
The sun never says to the earth,
“You owe Me.”

Look what happens with
A love like that,
It lights the Whole Sky.

– from The Gift – Poems by Hafiz by Daniel Ladinsky