With election season in full swing, I’ve been getting more and more requests for advice about how to politely and respectfully divert charged or challenging conversations with friends or family.

So, I’ve put together this little SOS template to help you preserve relationships when you know there’s no hope of a productive, transformative dialogue, and you can’t or don’t want to just walk away.

Sounds like: (acknowledge their emotional experience)
…you are passionate about this.
…it’s been overwhelming and concerning.
…you are really hopeful that things will improve.
…you’ve been super motivated to learn all you can.

Offer well wishes: (keep it sincere and neutral)
I hope it resolves soon.
Here’s hoping things settle down quickly.
I’m sorry to hear that it’s been so challenging/upsetting.
Hopefully the worst is behind us.

Subject change: (to something light, fun or positive)
Hey, that reminds me, have you heard about that new movie …
Oh, I’ve been meaning to ask if you have a good recipe for…
On another note, I’m wondering what you think about this year’s team.
Random question … where’s the best place to get tacos?

It’s helpful to come up with some non-controversial, engaging topics in advance so you don’t have to generate them under duress. For example:  sports, recipes, books, award nominees, restaurants, weather, a fond mutual memory, or an upcoming event.

Here’s how it might sound all put together:
Wow, sounds like you’ve been passionate about doing a lot of research about the issues. Hopefully you can get back to some light reading again in a few weeks! Speaking of reading, I could use a recommendation for a good mystery novel. What do you suggest?

photo credit: 270/365 -Meanie via photopin (license)

photo credit: having an argument with myself via photopin (license)

Before we decide what to say to someone else, we’ve already had a conversation with ourselves. If we are emotionally triggered, that conversation could occur so quickly that it appears non-existent, but it still happened. It’s what we say to ourselves that determines our next steps.

If you want to change your responses to others, start by noticing and changing the conversation with yourself. If you are critical of yourself, cut yourself some slack. If you speak harshly, use a gentler tone. If you are judgmental, try looking for ways to give yourself the benefit of the doubt.

Listening in on your inner conversation will give you lots of clues about why you treat others the way you do. And when you change how you speak to yourself, a transformation in how you address others often follows naturally and effortlessly.