Many of us aren’t sure how to say no in a way that preserves the health of our relationships, so we either give a hit-and-run-no, or we say yes when we shouldn’t and then feel resentment.

Here’s a little formula for refusing a request:

1)  Start with a thank you.

2)  State that you’d like to help.

3)  BRIEFLY explain why you can’t do exactly what they ask.

4)  Offer something you CAN do.

5)  If applicable, provide information that might help to avoid this problem in the future.

Here’s how it might sound in a personal relationship context:

Thanks for keeping track of what time Suzy needs to be picked up tonight.

I’d love to leave work a little early to get her, and we have that department meeting this afternoon, which usually runs late. I’d hate to keep her waiting in the cold if I can’t get out of here on time.

Would you be willing to pick her up this time? There’s no meeting next Wednesday, so I will make sure to arrange my schedule so I can pick her up then.

Hey, how about if I grab some takeout on my way home tonight so we don’t have to worry about cooking dinner?

Here’s how it might look in a business context:

Thanks for letting me know about the extra data you’d like me to add to the briefing report.

I’d like to turn this around for you as quickly as possible, and I will be out of the office in a training all morning. I will get these revisions integrated and return the report to you by 3 pm at the latest.

I’ll be in training several mornings this week, and will check email during breaks. I will let you know that I’ve received your request and give you a time by which you can expect to receive the revisions. Typically it will be before 4:30 pm.

I appreciate your business, and look forward to hearing about how well your presentation goes!

He says: Are you sure you want dessert?
She hears:  Haven’t you had enough? You should eat less.

He meant:  If we leave right now maybe I can still catch the last quarter of the big game on TV.

When our feelings get hurt while communicating with loved ones, we are typically reacting to what we think the other person meant rather than to what he or she actually said.

However, since meanings are frightfully easy to misinterpret (and most of us are not very good mind-readers), the next time you start to feel angry, defensive, or hurt by something someone has said to you, try responding like this:

I’m not sure what you mean by that…

in as gentle and neutral of a tone as you can.

By putting your reaction on hold until you are clear about the other person’s true intention, you’ll be able to derail unnecessary conflicts before they drain time, love, and energy from your relationship.

The idea you owe me causes a great deal of suffering and conflict in relationships. Obligation is never a satisfying motivation, whether you are on the giving end or the receiving end of the resulting action.

Our minds often keep score in our relationships, and then try to guilt ourselves or others into keeping the tally even.

But our hearts simply want to give, and hold no expectation of reciprocity.

Try conducting yourself as if no one owes you anything, and see how your relationships change.

Even after all this time
The sun never says to the earth,
“You owe Me.”

Look what happens with
A love like that,
It lights the Whole Sky.

– from The Gift – Poems by Hafiz by Daniel Ladinsky