Of course I am a communication geek, but even I have to admit that it has its limitations in relationships.

Communication is indeed a tool, but it is not a key, sledgehammer, leash, crowbar, or magic wand.

In other words, it is not a way to control people’s behavior.

So what CAN communication do? No more and no less than act as a flashing light to draw attention to an issue.

If we are thoughtful and respectful about our communication, it’s more likely that the other party will be open to receiving the signals we send.

The recipient of our communication is the only one who determines how to (or whether to) respond to our message.

So do your best to be kind and clear in your communication, and please realize that no matter how nicely you ask, the other person may still decide not to grant your request!

This means you must be prepared to back up your communication with action. If you ask your child very nicely to stop drawing on the walls and she doesn’t, you’ll have to either take the crayons away or produce some paper for her to draw on.

If you ask your spouse warmly and respectfully to have only one glass of wine so he can drive you home from the party but he drinks four, you’ll need to figure out an alternate mode of safe transportation.

If you ask your employee kindly but firmly to get the report to you by Thursday, and still don’t have it in hand at the end of the day on Friday, you’ll need to start making alternate plans for future reports as well as for your employee.

Even the most skillful communication does not have the power to control others. We each decide for ourselves which actions to take.

Without further ado, here they are:

Thank you for loving me.

When spoken with passion and sincerity, this sentiment can be tremendously heart-opening for both the speaker and the receiver.

But don’t take my word for it. Try it and see.

BCC is the feature in email that allows you to send a copy to someone without revealing their email address to the other recipients. It stands for Blind Carbon Copy. I always thought it was a great way to inform a large group of people about an upcoming training or something like that while protecting their privacy.

UNTIL …

I received an email the other day that was addressed only to me. I replied and went about my day. Within a few hours, I received three or four other replies from people I did not know had also gotten this email. Apparently we were all BCC’d, and if you “Reply All” to a BCC, your reply goes to all the recipients, and you may not even know it.

Let’s say you BCC your supervisor on an email to a staff member about a missed deadline, to keep her in the loop and document your action. If she happens to accidentally hit “Reply All” when she writes back to advise you about your next steps, she’s not only in the loop, she is in the conversation, and this could have many unintended consequences for everyone involved.

Or let’s say you BCC your attorney when replying to a particularly nasty email from your ex. If your attorney inadvertently hits “Reply All”, your ex will get it too!

SO …

Don’t use BCC for sensitive communications. It is not private! If you want to keep people in the loop, forward your sent email to them separately and individually, and let them know it’s for their information or to document the communication.

You’ve thought about what you want to say, and are clear about how to say it. But how do you begin? Try this simple but powerful question:

Is this a good time to talk?

This puts the other person on notice that something important is up for discussion. If they say it’s not a good time, please don’t push. They might be crabby, hungry, tired, or simply not in a receptive or productive frame of mind at that moment. Which means the conversation is not likely to go well anyway.

So hold your tongue, and ask them when would be a better time. If you were burning to talk right then and are worried you’ll forget what you wanted to say, jot it down and save it for later.

“I have found the best way to get another to acquire a virtue is to impute it to him.” – Winston Churchill

Another way to say that is: When you see and appreciate the best in people, and they want to live up to it.

Constructive criticism such as, “I did not appreciate the way you spoke to me in front of our friends, and I want you to be more polite in the future,” rarely leads to improvement.

Instead, try something like this: “Thanks for noticing that I was becoming embarrassed during our interaction in front of our friends. I appreciate that you went along with it when I changed the subject. Now that we are in private, is there more you want to discuss?”

It’s pretty obvious that the way you talk to your partner has a huge impact on the quality of your relationship.

But did you know that the way you speak about your partner can also damage or support the health of your relationship?

Consider these common statements:

My wife would never let me use my vacation days on a guy’s trip.

My husband wouldn’t allow me to wear something like that in public.

Each contains the implication that the speaker is not in control of his or her own choices and behavior. And that’s simply not true.

Speaking about your partner using this language puts you in a subservient, disempowered position, which is fertile breeding ground for rage, resentment, and hostility — toxic emotions that seriously threaten the health and stability of your partnership.

For contrast, see how these feel:

My wife would really like to take a family trip later this year, and I’ve decided to save my vacation time for that.

My husband would feel embarrased if I wore something like that in public, so I chose this dress instead.

This is much more in alignment with the truth. Your partner likely has preferences, and you are free to consider or disregard those preferences while deciding your course of action.

True, there might be some potentially unpleasant reactions from your partner that factor in to your decision — some people have a harder time than others coping with a partner’s disapproval or disappointment.

But even if you decide not to go on that guys’ trip or wear that dress based on your partner’s preference, it’s still your choice to make. And using language that takes full responsibility for your decisions fosters strong, healthy relationships.

When we see our kids hurting or suffering, no matter what age they are, we want to comfort them.

Often our first instinct is to tell them that everything will be ok, or that they will be fine.

But here’s the thing — when people of any age are upset, they crave understanding much more than reassurance.

So instead of reassuring, try acknowledging what they are feeling and experiencing, like this:

You studied so hard for that test and it’s really disappointing not to get the grade you wanted.

~

You just can’t stand it when people say things like that about you!

~

You wish you could just play with your trucks in the sand all day, and it’s a bummer that we have to go home soon.

When you give this a try, you will probably notice that understanding is quite a soothing balm in and of itself, and your child might start to settle down even if the upsetting situation has not actually changed one iota.

The grade is still lower than hoped for, the gossip continues, and the park must still be vacated soon, but after receiving your understanding your child may find it easier to accept these realities.

The next time you are tempted to confront someone about their inexcusable behavior or bad attitude, consider that very few of us respond to criticism or negative feedback with a genuine desire to improve.

It’s more likely that we become snarky and passive-aggressive and take the attitude or behavior underground where it can avoid detection yet still do damage.

Instead, try this approach:  Pull the person aside to a private location, ideally behind a closed door, and in a warm tone of voice, say something like, “Help me understand what just went on in the staff meeting,” or, “I’m wondering about the pile of dirty dishes in your room.”

Getting the issue on the table in this way will help to reduce the defensiveness that naturally arises when people perceive themselves as under attack. And the lower the defensiveness, the more quickly issues
can get resolved.