postcards for parents
greetings!
I heard myself say something really pithy to a client this morning. As is always the case, it was exactly what I needed to hear myself. I thought you might enjoy it too.
Be the change you want to see in your child.
Yes, it is a direct rip off of Gandhi saying you must be the change you want to see in the world, but hey, it works!
So if you desperately want your child to calm down, calm yourself down first.
If you want your child to be braver while facing new situations, become brave yourself while you face the evidence of your child's fear.
Because really, aren't YOU afraid of something, and that's why you want him to be brave so much? Afraid he'll look like a coward, afraid he'll be ridiculed, afraid you blew it as a parent ... fill in the blank with whatever you are dreading.
If you were not afraid, you would not be reacting so strongly to his lack of courage in that moment. You would most likely see it differently; maybe as a temporary choice that is part of his learning curve and does not require your direct intervention. You might look for ways to support and encourage his risk taking, but you would not be pushy or guilt-tripping or shaming. Those overtones come from your own fear.
I have yet to find a situation where this turnaround does not apply. You want your kids to stop fighting with each other? Try not fighting with them about their fighting! It should be easy for you to stop -- after all, you thought they could do it after just one order from you, right?
Casts a whole different light on things, doesn't it? Puts the action step right back where it belongs, which is luckily and not coincidentally the only place where you truly have creative power. It also harnesses the tremendous parental power of teaching by example.
Change yourself first. Either it will be easy, and you will be setting an excellent example for your child, or it will be difficult, and you will develop understanding about how hard it might be for him too.
Regardless of which way it goes, it is a much stronger model of self-responsibility than trying to shame or cajole your child into changing himself so that you can feel better.
just a little food for thought ...
:)karen
www.karenalonge.com
720 771 8915
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