postcards for parents

greetings!

Today's topic was suggested by a postcard reader in America's heartland. 
I'd be happy to address your questions or concerns as well.  
Chances are, if you wonder about it, so do other parents. 
Please drop me a line!

How do you get your children to respond when spoken to when it is 
someone outside of their mother and father that is speaking to them?  
How do you teach children to be respectful and polite when spoken to? 
How do you teach them to be courteous?  How do they respond to someone 
that is familiar to them vs. someone that is a stranger?

A common thread through all of these questions is:  "How do you get 
your children to (fill in the blank)?"  The quick answer is ... 
you don't have to get them to do anything.  You can show them by 
living your life as an example, and then make sure to notice and 
respond positively to any movement they demonstrate in the desired 
direction, as in I noticed how polite you were to Aunt Sally when 
you looked right in her eyes as you answered her question.  Good for you!


In addition to modeling the desired behavior, I also recommend 
role playing these scenarios with puppets or dolls. Kids are 
very quick to pick up social norms when they don't feel as 
though they are being lectured or judged.  Puppets are fantastic 
for circumventing possible defensive responses.  

Telling make-believe stories about an animal character learning 
the lesson you want your child to absorb is also very effective.  

And make sure you are treating your child the way you want him or 
her to treat others.  Children learn what they live, as the classic 
poem reminds us!

Some other thoughts on this:

Kids often think that strangers are dark looking characters wearing 
trench coats.  Teach them that a stranger is anyone you don't know.  
This includes teenage girls, elderly folks, etc.

Things get a little tricky here, because as parents, most of us want 
our kids to be polite.  Yet the reality of our world today is that 
sometimes the polite kids are the ones who get abducted or abused, 
because they are too well trained to be concerned about the other 
party and do not stick up for themselves and enforce their personal 
boundaries.  

There's a fine line, almost nonexistent in a child's mind, between 
submitting themselves against their wishes to Auntie Gertrude kissing 
them on the cheek, and the baby-sitter kissing them on the lips.  
How do you teach them to make a distinction? 

I say you don't have to.  Instead, teach and model for them from 
minute one that our bodies are our very own property, and that it is 
ALWAYS our decision about receiving ANY KIND of touch.

This means that Aunt Gertrude may be offended when Junior steps 
backwards and deflects that kiss, or Grandpa's feelings may be 
hurt when Junior won't sit on his lap.  Our job as parents is 
to advocate for our child's right to enforce their own boundaries 
regarding being touched.  

Other adults, especially if they are older generation family members, 
may not understand this until you explain the protective intention 
behind it.  Nevertheless, they will need to respect it if they wish 
to spend time with your child. 

With this concept firmly entrenched, we have empowered our children 
to protect themselves from any unwanted touch by any person at any time. 
Something like over 90% of abuse on children is perpetrated by someone 
who is not a stranger to them.  

Explain to your child that if the adult in question is offended, 
that's not the child's problem.  Let your child know that their body 
and feelings are their business, and the adult's body and feelings 
are the adult's business.  And then teach them to always come to you 
and tell you if something uncomfortable has occurred.

It's sad that our world has deteriorated to such a state which requires 
this kind of approach. But it has, and it is foolish to teach your 
child that adults must be respected 'no matter what.'  

That said, keep your young children always in sight. When you meet 
new folks, introduce them to your children properly.  Teach your 
children with the puppets that when you are standing with them
and you introduce them, you expect them to say whatever it is that 
you expect -- Pleased to meet you, Hello Mr. Jones, etc., and that 
you'd like them to make eye contact.  Acknowledge them when they 
act in a way you are proud of.

Let them know that if you are not nearby, they are not required to 
interact with a stranger in any way at all.  They don't have to make 
eye contact.  They don't have to say hello.  They should not take 
candy or anything else, never get into a car, and stay well out of 
arm's reach.  

And for those of you who heard about giving your kids a password 
in case you need to send someone else to pick them up - forget it.  
Children have been abducted by kidnappers who simply said, 
"I know the password, and your Mom said you should get in the car 
so I can take you home."   

It's also important to remember that if your child comes to you 
telling of an uncomfortable breach of their personal space or 
boundary, they require your full and compassionate attention.  
Be sure to keep calm and thank them for letting you know.  
Then take action on their behalf.

Well, I kind of went off on a tangent there with the touch 
and boundaries thing, but I hope I answered the question to 
your satisfaction. 

I think the bottom line is this:  Don't let manners and courtesy 
take precedence over your child's basic bodily rights or internal 
warning system. Encourage your child to respect himself and 
his boundaries, as well as respecting the boundaries of others.  

Keep your child close to you and under your protection until he or 
she has demonstrated that he or she can handle social situations to 
your satisfaction.  Set a powerful example.

I'd welcome any comments or further questions.  

take care,
karen