postcards for parents

Greetings!

haven't seen you for a while!  how've you been?

I was recently asked to write an article for a local newspaper, 
and I'd like to share it with you.  It's about raising kids in 
joint custody.  This may not be relevant to your family situation, 
but chances are you probably know at least one other family who is 
raising kids in two homes.  Maybe you'd like to forward this 
on to them ...

Real Divorce

Almost six years ago, the father of my children and I divorced.  
We wholeheartedly agreed to share joint custody of our two children, 
who were 3 and 6 years old at that time.

I went on a mission to read everything that had been written 
regarding successful co-parenting after divorce.  Intending to 
shorten my on-the-job learning curve, I spent innumerable hours 
poring over books and doing research on the Internet.  
(see below for a list of some of my favorite resources)  

During our nine years of marriage, my ex-husband and I had never 
argued about parenting philosophies or values.  I saw no indication 
that parenting after divorce would be any different.  

So, with the help of my research, I set about creating a lovely 
best-case scenario of how it would be after the divorce:  
co-hosting birthday parties, welcoming each other's new partners 
into an extended and joyful family unit, sitting together at 
their school and sporting events while beaming with pride at 
the accomplishments of our beautiful children, and getting on 
the same page with mealtimes, bedtimes, etc., so that there 
would be as much consistency between our two home as possible.  
These are wonderful and healthy ideas, and many co-parents 
I know have achieved them.

I only forgot to allow for one variable in my lovely scenario.  
I assumed that my kid's dad would want to participate in this 
optimal arrangement.  

Unfortunately, I was wrong.  

Shortly after our friendly divorce was completed, he informed me 
that our future conversations were to be confined to solely to 
the topics of scheduling and the exchange of relevant information, 
such as the results of their dental checkups.  There would be no 
philosophical 'meeting of the minds' about parenting.  He would 
parent our children as he saw fit on his time, and was not interested 
in my opinions or input.  

I was also informed that he would not continue to administer the 
homeopathic remedies or herbal tinctures we had been giving the kids, 
and would no longer be implementing the advice of our naturopath 
regarding their food sensitivities and dietary needs.  He'd decide 
their bedtimes and television viewing opportunities on his own, as well. 
Furthermore, I was no longer welcome in his home, and henceforth 
we would be exchanging the children in a parking lot halfway between 
our houses.  

I went into shock.  Up until the time of the divorce we had been a no TV,
mostly vegetarian, homeschooling kind of family.  I thought we'd always 
be friends, and continue to agree on how to raise our kids.  

We had even filed a do-it-yourself divorce, thinking we didn't need an 
attorney because we were in agreement on everything.  (By the way, 
this was a big mistake.  Even if you both agree, please have an 
attorney or mediator look over your paperwork, because you may not 
agree next month, or next year, and it helps to have something 
solid filed with the court in case you need to fall back on it 
in times of conflict.)

I was horrified to think that our kids were going to be raised in 
two homes with no overlap.  I had envisioned co-parenting; 
a bigger happy family spread out over two homes.  Now I faced 
the reality of parallel parenting -- two separate worlds with 
no intersection except in a parking lot at exchange time.  

The pain of losing control over such fundamental areas of my 
kid's lives for half of their childhood was simply devastating.  
I no longer knew what was going into my children's bodies or minds.  
It broke my spirit like nothing ever has, before or since then.

That was almost six years ago.  My horrification has mellowed 
into quiet disappointment that things couldn't have been different.  
My spirit has pretty much mended itself, and become stronger at 
the broken places.  We've all been through a lot.

My kids have adjusted better than I could ever have imagined.  
Their worlds have expanded immeasurably -- they have two new 
stepparents, and large extended families.  They have stretched 
their minds and hearts in order to accommodate the wildly diverse 
values held by those they dearly love.  

They are flexible, open minded, and think for themselves.  
They understand the relativity of truth -- when my daughter 
was about four I overheard her tell a playmate, "Well, that 
might be true for you, but it's not true for me!"  They've 
learned how to discern what works best for them from a variety 
of options.  

They have three dogs at their dad's, and sometimes when they get 
into the 'poor me, my parents are divorced' mood, they remind each 
other that if we'd stayed married, Mom would never have let them 
keep any pets. (they're right - I'm not a pet person.  Luckily 
their stepmom is!)

They've taken the lemons life gave them and made lemonade.

I'm writing this article to reassure those of you who have less 
than ideal co-parenting situations that there are things you can 
do in only one home (yours) that can make life better for your kids, 
and for you.  

Here are some of my road-tested tidbits of advice:

1)  Be available. Save your shopping, errands, etc. for the times 
they are not with you.  When they first arrive at your house, just 
sit down.  My kids usually join me for a snack at the kitchen table 
for about an hour, during which they unload their stories, complaints, 
news updates, school projects, etc.  Sometimes one of them will sit on 
my lap, or my daughter will play with my hair.  

Be still, and make yourself available for them to physically and 
emotionally reconnect with you.  Give them time to re-calibrate 
to the rhythm of your home before you expect them to jump into 
chores or homework.  

Of course, in order to be truly available for your kids, you need to:

2) Take good care of yourself.  Get regular exercise.  
Spend time with a good friend or therapist who can listen without 
judgment to all your feelings.  Write in a journal.  Work through 
your anger and pain.  Eat well.  Don't sacrifice your health or 
sanity thinking it's noble or necessary for the good of the kids. 

Just like they say on the airplane regarding the oxygen masks, 
secure your own lifeline before helping your child.  You don't 
have much to offer if your own basic needs aren't being met.

3) Do not judge the other parent within earshot of your children.  
This may sound impossible, but let me assure you, it can be done.  
Your ex lives forever inside your children's DNA.  If you speak 
condescendingly about their other parent in any way, your child 
feels insulted.  We may see the distinction and separation, but 
our children do not.  Keep your judgments to yourself until you 
can safely vent them with your supportive listener from tidbit #2.

It is imperative that you accept that there is more than one way to 
do things.  I have a 'no comment' policy on what happens at their 
other house.  I don't ask them why it's that way, or why their dad 
said this or did that.  I simply acknowledge their communication 
in a neutral way, and reflect back whatever feelings they might 
be having.  'Hmmm, sounds like you might be feeling disappointed 
about that situation.'

This way the kids can stay in their own experience and move through it, 
without feeling like they need to defend the other parent from your 
attack.

And prepare ahead of time for when your kids get old enough to become 
curious about why you got divorced.  You'll need a neutral and 
nonjudgmental answer.  Here's one I read somewhere during one 
of those many research sessions that I liked:  

Get out some pots and lids of various sizes.  Show the kids how 
even when there's nothing wrong with either the pot or the lid, 
not all of them fit together.  "Mommy and Daddy just didn't fit 
together in a happy way anymore."

4) Do not judge your children's feelings.  Just listen.  One day 
my son came home extremely angry about something that had happened 
at his dad's.  I followed my 'no comment' policy, not making his 
feelings right or wrong, but simply reflecting them back to him. 
Within a few minutes, the storm had passed.  He gave a deep sigh of 
relief, thanked me for listening, and went out to play basketball.  

There was no resolution, no problem solving, and nothing had changed 
in the situation.  He just needed the freedom to vent his frustration, 
and to feel love and acceptance while doing so.  

Telling him not to feel that way, refusing to allow him to speak of 
his father in my home, making excuses for his father, or jumping on 
the blaming bandwagon with him would have inhibited the clearing of 
his emotional energy.  Just listen.

5) Teach your child to solve his/her own problems.  In that idyllic 
world of healthy co-parenting, you can hold a family meeting with 
all of you present to address any problems.  For those of us in the 
adequate but not ideal world of parallel parenting, that's not 
an option. 

Instead, I've helped my kids to learn effective communication and 
problem solving strategies, and we practice them in our home.  

I do not intervene in any problems they are having with their other 
family.  After reflecting back their feelings, I encourage them to 
speak directly to their father.  Often, they decide not to.  

This is hard for me to watch, but I've learned to let them take full 
responsibility for their actions and choices regarding their father.  
My job is to keep my own lines of communication clear and available 
for them.

6) Buy doubles.  It's embarrassing how long it took me to figure 
this one out -- we had far too much stress about boots or snow pants 
or dress clothes being at the wrong house at the wrong time. 

I finally went to Saver's and Goodwill and spent just a few dollars 
on extra clothing.  Now on exchange days, the kids have a choice.  
They can wear the cheapie clothes, and not have to worry about 
remembering to bring them back, or they can wear their good clothes, 
and the prospect of wearing the goodwill ones when they return helps 
them remember to bring them back.  Problem solved!

7) Don't use your kids as messengers, or ask them to speak for you or 
their other parent.  And don't think you can fool them, either.  
They know when you are plying them for the scoop on the other parent, 
no matter how subtle you think you're being.  And they hate it.  

Unless you suspect abuse or neglect, what happens at the other home 
is not your business, so don't ask for details.  Of course you can 
listen if the kids want to tell you something, but don't pry.  

Don't wonder out loud what Dad was thinking when he took them to 
McDonald's for both breakfast and lunch.  Don't ask if Mom's 
boyfriend went to Water World last weekend, too.  If you really 
want to know, ask your ex and leave your child out of it.  Kids 
hate being asked to spy for you.  They may feel that giving these 
answers is a kind of betrayal, or fear that they will be punished 
for something that was not under their control.

(a little sidenote here:  don't ask your kids to keep secrets from the
other parent.  This puts them in a terrible position.  If there's 
something you don't want the other parent to know about your life, 
simply do not tell the children about it.)

Develop a direct channel of communication between the parents. 
We use email, and before that we used the back door option on 
voice mail to send each other messages without ringing the phone.  
Some parents send a communication notebook or folder back and forth 
in one of the kids' backpacks. 

Just last night my daughter told me her dad wanted to know if I would 
take her to sports practice that would fall on 'my day.'  I could see 
the relief on her face when I said, "Honey, don't worry about that.  
I'll talk to your Dad about it and we'll work it out."

8) and the corollary:  Don't speak for the other parent.  Sometimes 
my kids will ask my why Daddy won't let them spend their allowance 
the way they want to, or why he thinks this way or that.  

It took more will power for me not to speak for my ex at the beginning, 
when I still knew him well enough to have an idea about the reasons why 
he did things.  Now, I honestly have no clue what he's thinking, so 
it's easy to refer them to him for the details.

It's important that you give the other parent the opportunity and 
responsibility to speak for themselves with their children.  
Don't run interference.  Don't defend or protect the other parent 
from the true consequences of their actions.  

Let them explain to your child why they were late, rather than covering 
for them.  The sooner your child faces the reality of who their parent 
is, the sooner they can get about their business of forgiving them and 
making whatever adjustments need to be made.

9) Free your children to love both of you without reservation or fear.
And any new partners, as well.  Please, do whatever internal and 
emotional work you need to do so that you are not threatened by 
your child's love for your ex or stepparent.  This might the most 
important tidbit of them all.  

Show your child how a candle can share its flame to ignite other 
fires without losing any of its own light.  Love is infinite -- it cannot
be diminished by sharing it with others.  Let your child know that 
it's OK for her to love both mommy and daddy, regardless of how they 
feel about each other, and that you are confident that she has so much 
love inside her that it can never run dry.

10) Be a storehouse of happy family history.  If it is true, your 
child will love hearing that she was conceived in love, or that 
Mommy and Daddy were so happy when he was born.  Kids with 
co-parents probably get to see them engaging in peaceful and 
productive, sometimes even warm, interactions. My kids hardly 
ever see both of us in the same place at the same time, and 
even less frequently do they witness an actual interaction.

My daughter was only three when we divorced, and has no memory 
of her dad and I being happy together.  So I gathered some pictures 
of good times that included various permutations of her family forest 
(*it's bigger than a tree - this concept came from a book in the 
resource list below), and I hung them in a big collage frame in 
her room.  She beamed, and told me that her favorite was the one 
of me and her dad holding her when she was a baby.

And when she asks, I tell her stories about her birth, and how we 
loved her so much, and how we would take her on walks around the 
neighborhood together.  Little, everyday kinds of stories, to fill 
in the blank places in her memory with joy.

That should be enough to give you a good start.  Oh, wait, just 
one more:

On the hard days, when you're tired or frazzled or overextended 
and you slip up, please forgive yourself and just start again.  
Be gentle with yourself ... you're doing the best you can.

Resources for Parents with Joint Custody: 
Mom’s House, Dad’s House by Isolina Ricci
Joint Custody with a Jerk by Ross and Corcoran
*Families Apart by Melinda Blau
Divorce and New Beginnings by Genevieve Clapp
The Best Parent Is Both Parents by David Levy
Custody Chaos, Personal Peace by Jeffrey Whittmann
The Co-Parenting Survival Guide by Thayer and Zimmerman
Parenting After Divorce by Phillip Stahl  

Websites:
divorcesource.com
parentingafterdivorce.com
divorceandchildren.com
yourstepfamily.com
bonusfamilies.com

Karen Alonge helps busy people bring order and peace to their lives 
through life coaching, professional organizing, and parent mentoring.  
If you found this article to be helpful, you might like to join her 
joint custody support circle, which meets twice a month in Louisville.  

Contact Karen at (303) 661-9204 or karen@karenalonge.com for 
more information, or to schedule a free introductory telephone 
coaching session.