postcards for parents

Greetings!

I'm baaa-aack!  

Not yet up to full operating speed, but on second thought maybe 
this is my new full speed ...  In any case, the regular postcard 
schedule has been abandoned and they'll just come out randomly 
from now on.

I mentioned in my postcard from nowhere last week that I spent 
the summer with hives all over my body -- an allergic reaction 
to some antibiotics I took in June.  

I'm still hiving, but the kids are back in school and my energy 
levels are gradually increasing.  Last week I promised to tell 
you what I learned about parenting while lying around itching 
for the past few months.  So here you go:

I like this quote from Arthur Miller: 

You cannot catch a child's spirit by running after it.  You must 
stand still, and for love it will soon itself return.

This became evident during the worst days of my hives.  On those 
days, the only way to find relief was to lie absolutely motionless.

My kids, who are delightfully self-entertaining, went about their 
business for the first few hours, checking in on me occasionally to 
see if I needed anything.  As the day wore on, they realized that 
I was a sitting duck.  They set up camp on my king size bed, and 
we proceeded to have some very deep and thought-provoking conversations.  

I doubt these interactions would have occurred if I had been my 
usual productive and bustling self.  I probably would have interrupted 
the quiet time that was necessary for their questions to emerge 
in order to jump up and fold the laundry before it wrinkled.  

I hardly ever sit still when I'm healthy.  There's always so much to do. 
Hives have taught me lots of important things ... not the least of 
which is that the world will not collapse if I don't hold it up.  
Sure, I fell behind on things.  For the first time in my life I 
left phone calls unreturned, and dishes in the sink, and laundry 
wet and wrinkled for days.  

But the sun continued to rise and set anyway.  So far I don't think 
I have lost any friends due to my poor response time.  And the kids 
learned how to take care of dirty dishes and clothes.  

My son is a budding chef, and he had lots more freedom in the kitchen 
when I wasn't there telling him what to do or how to do it better.  
He was so proud to serve us the delicious meals he had prepared.

I'm sure you know where I'm going with this.  Sometimes the best thing 
we can do for our kids is drop out and let them experience their own 
competence.  My kids blossomed during my down time.  I think it was 
really great for them to feel needed and important; to make a 
contribution to the family that really mattered.  

I'm kind of sad to think that it took hives for me to realize that 
I was not giving them enough opportunities to experience their own 
competence, but so be it.  Now I know.  True confessions of a 
compulsive caretaker.

So yesterday I asked my son if he would fix a towel hook that had 
fallen off the wall.  He seized the mission with zest, gathering 
all his tools together and tackling the problem with great concentration.  

I stayed busy elsewhere in the house and left him alone.  I'll never 
forget the look on his face when he came to tell me the job was done.  
Not only had he fixed the hook, but he had even cleaned up the mess 
and put all the tools away!

I've realized that the best way to love my kids has changed as they've 
grown older.  It's not so much about taking care of them anymore.  
Now they need opportunities to discover their ability to take care 
of themselves.  

I've graduated from being their source to being their resource.  
My job has changed from doing things for them to expressing my 
confidence that they can learn to do things for themselves.

Just in the nick of time, too.  I've been craving uninterrupted 
opportunities to write and think and meditate.  I'm relieved to 
know that I can take this time for myself without feeling that 
I am depriving them somehow.  

I guess I needed the reassurance that it was ok, even good for them, 
that I wanted space to myself.  Mama Bird at some point needs to get 
tough on her babies while getting them ready to fly.  Maybe Mother Nature
gives her a helping hand by offering her the tool of irritation to 
toughen her up so she does what must be done. 

Traditionally it's been hard for me to trust that even my irritation 
could be ok.  Once more, I have been reminded that all is truly as it 
should be.  And for that, I am grateful.

I'd love to hear about your summer.  Write in and say hello!  

take care,
karen