postcards for parents

Greetings!

I've been reading The Conquest of Happiness by Bertrand Russell, 
and in my opinion he offers some really practical wisdom for parents.  
It's an older book (1930), so mentally modernize it as you read by 
changing the references to include both genders:

"For my part, I think there is much to be said for bringing up a boy 
to think himself a fine fellow.  I do not believe that any peacock 
envies another peacock his tail, because every peacock is persuaded 
that his own tail is the finest in the world.  The consequence of 
this is that peacocks are peaceable birds."  

He's referring to our society's tendency to frown upon children 
(or anyone, actually) expressing pride in themselves and their 
accomplishments. Sometimes as parents we become uncomfortable 
when our children display that pride, and we try to get them to 
tone it down.  We don't want them to brag or boast.  

But I think there's a distinction to be made between pride and 
boasting.  Pride is about the speaker, and boasting is about the 
listener and how he/she compares to the speaker.

My kids get into this all the time. My daughter often assumes that 
when my son tells of his accomplishments he is actually reminding 
her that she didn't do what he did.  But he's not.  He's just one 
of those peacocks who thinks his tail is the finest, and she's one 
who looks around and thinks the others are better.  Who knows why 
that is ...  gender, temperament, age at the time of our divorce ... 
it could be anything.

But whatever the reason, this tendency leads to pain in her other 
social interactions as well.  For lack of a better word, she's very 
prickly.  I'm glad I'm her mom and not her peer, because it would be 
hard to keep from triggering her anger.  Thanks to an insight I gained 
from dealing with my ex, she and I have had some inspiring conversations 
about this lately.  

Up until the divorce, I'd never experienced a verbal attack.  
(I have always had very nurturing relationships with family and 
friends.  See previous postcard about anger ... )  Painful as it 
was to have the love of my life turn on me like that, it ended up 
being one of the greatest gifts he's ever given me.

After a while, I was puzzled to notice that sometimes when he attacked 
me it really hurt, and other times the criticism just rolled right off 
of me. It was a big breakthrough for me when I realized that if he 
attacked me in a place where I was already weak from attacking myself, 
it hurt.  But when he targeted a position that I felt good about holding,
it didn't.  

I learned to use the pain as an indication of where I was unsure about 
my position, or standing in judgment of myself, or finding myself lacking 
in some way.  He inadvertently became a very important targeting device 
for highlighting the parts of me that needed my love and acceptance.  
I had to stop attacking myself, or I wasn't going to make it through 
his attacks.  

So, feeling curious one day last week, (not to mention fed up with all 
the complaining), I decided to test this insight with my daughter.

She usually comes home from school reciting a laundry list of grievances 
about how her friends offended/insulted her each day.  Knowing that she 
is very satisfied with the length of her hair right now, I asked her how 
she would feel if someone 'made fun of' her hair, like they did last year
when it was shorter.

She looked at me like I had two heads and said in her 8 year old voice 
dripping with attitude, "I wouldn't even care, Mom.  I like my hair now."

Bingo.  There it is!  

I believe it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said that no one can make you 
feel inferior without your consent.  I'd take it a step further and 
say no one can hurt your feelings unless you've already made yourself 
tender by judging yourself harshly. 

So when our kids show pride in themselves or their accomplishments, 
think of it as insurance.  The peacock who knows his tail is the finest 
in the world can look upon anyone who insinuates otherwise with gentle 
compassion for their delusional state.  He feels no need to convince them
otherwise, nor is he influenced by their opinion. 

Sounds like just the prescription we need to achieve a peaceable world 
for humanity as well ...

Take care,

karen