postcards for parents

Greetings!

I'm realizing that postcards for parents is not a completely accurate 
name for these mailings, which are being read by teachers, therapists, 
nannies, grandparents, and others who care about children.  Got any 
ideas for a new name?  Send 'em in!

OK, so today's hot topic is . . . truth.  

Do you tell your children the truth, and model congruence between your 
words and behavior?  In other words, are you trustable?

Examples:

not trustable:  telling a toddler "No more . . . juice is all gone.  
All gone." as you are hiding a half full juice pitcher behind your back.  

trustable:  "We're all done with the juice for now.  You can have more 
at snack time."

Children are evolutionarily programmed to look to their parents and 
elders as reference points.  Ideally, they will have their experience 
of the world validated.  What happens in their circuitry when they see 
a half full pitcher of juice, and the person they trust is telling them 
it's all gone?  

They learn not to trust their own perceptions.  

They learn to locate their reference point for truth outside of 
themselves and their experience.  

When push comes to shove, the young child must acquiesce to the 
authority of the ones they depend on for survival. To do otherwise 
jeopardizes their health and safety.  They are evolutionarily 
programmed to create a bond with their caregivers.  Selling their 
truth seems like a small price to pay.  Ok, daddy, there's no juice.  
My eyes must be deceiving me.  Ok, mommy, I'm not hungry yet, because 
I just ate an hour ago, and these signals from my stomach aren't as 
trustable as you and the clock are.  

Children need to maintain a relationship with their caregivers more 
than they need to tell the truth.  But at the same time they are 
laying down the gridwork for their future interactions with the world.  
What will be the foundation?  When inner and outer truths align, 
children learn to trust their perceptions and their world.  When 
inner and outer truths conflict, it's a crap shoot as to which reality 
they will ultimately choose to align with; their own experience or 
external authority . . . and how they will feel about the betrayal.

Humans are resilient, and most of the time our kids do eventually come 
around to forgiving our ignorant blunders in raising them(some take 
longer to do this than others).  Ignorance, while not an excuse, is 
understandable.  But what about intentional betrayals? 

Teasing is an extreme form of manipulating the sacred bond between 
caregiver and child.  I think it is totally inappropriate for an adult 
to tease a young child in any way, shape or form.  Children take your 
words at face value, and the kind of humor used in teasing is beyond 
the reach of most kids.  (maybe even most adults...)  Teasing is 
bullying, pure and simple.  It is not funny to tell a child that 
their blanky is gone forever just so you can be the hero later and 
produce it out from under your chair.  Teasing is a power trip, and 
is not the kind of humor that leads to bonding.  It leads only to 
defense and shielding, and teaches your child to be skeptical of you.  
And then we wonder why our kids don't obey us immediately!  When you 
tease, you lose credibility.

(time out; I need to acknowledge that I'm carrying a lot of intense 
energy on this topic.  It really does push my buttons.  Ok, so now 
let's move on to...)

The flip side -- have you made it safe for your children to tell you 
the truth?

When the truth is that your child hates the dinner you just spent hours 
cooking, what happens when she tells you? 

When the truth is that your child was afraid of the consequences and 
so told a lie, what do you do when you hear the confession?

When the truth is that your child really misses his noncustodial parent, 
how do you react?

If you really value honesty, you must be able to hear your child's truth 
as an expression of their state of mind/heart, not as an attack on you 
personally, or an indication of tarnished moral character.  If their 
communication results in a withdrawal of your attention, affection or 
approval, you can be pretty sure they will think twice before being 
honest about that topic again.  Children will trade their truth for 
your approval and love in a heartbeat.  

This is not to say that confessions of wrongdoing are without 
consequence.  But we must realize that a confession is a gift 
given in trust, and treat it as such.  Of course a child who 
confesses to stealing will still be required to return the stolen 
property.  But we can help ensure he/she feels relieved of the 
burden of maintaining the lie, and is then supported in making 
restitution and restoring his/her integrity.  We need to preserve 
open channels of communication, and make sure that the act of 
speaking the truth creates a team rather than leading to banishment.

If we wish to assist the next generation in building upon a foundation 
of integrity, trust and honesty, then we need to honor the truth in all 
its manifestations.  We need to offer them our truth congruently, and 
receive theirs with an open heart and mind.  Our children need to know 
that we love them, value honesty, and will be on their side helping 
them learn from the necessary mistakes that go with the territory of 
growing up.  

Blessings, 

Karen