postcards for parents

Greetings!

Friends and clients have mentioned to me that they don't have much time 
to read, and would appreciate an occasional summary of a good parenting 
book.  Well, this week I just happen to be reading a great one that I'd 
love to share with you:

Giving the Love that Heals by Harville Hendrix and his wife 
Helen Hunt (nope, not the actress)  

It's a guide for parents who wish to break the cycle of less-than-
empowering child-rearing habits that are often unconsciously passed 
from generation to generation.  The authors make the case that the 
most accurate predictor of how you will parent is how you were parented, 
but that we can consciously decide to break the pattern.  In order to 
succeed at this task, we must become aware of our own unmet needs, and 
take steps to get them met so that we do not project them onto our 
children.

According to the authors, the roots of all forms of unconscious 
parenting are in symbiosis.  "Symbiosis is present when a parent 
acts as though his child necessarily feels and thinks as he himself 
does, with no recognition of or respect for the otherness of the child.  
A parent who is symbiotic with his children is unsure about where he 
ends and where they begin."  Which leads to statements such as 'you 
can't be cold, Junior . . . it's so hot in here!'  (ok, that's an 
extreme one, but hopefully it gives you a good feel for the concept.)

The authors say it much better than I could, so I'll leave you to their 
words: 

" . . . symbiotic statements are united in their lack of awareness that 
we live in a relative universe with multiple intelligences and that 
different people see things differently.  None of us have a monopoly 
on the truth.  None of us can stand in one place and see the whole 
truth . . . everything looks different if viewed from another angle."

"An unconscious parent believes he stands in the center of the truth 
with regard to his children.  A conscious parent . . . approaches 
other people (including his child) and who they are with a spirit 
of inquiry and with respect for experiences different than his own."

Which leads to statements such as 'You're cold, Junior?  That's really 
interesting . . . I'm in the same room and I feel warm!  Maybe you'd 
like a sweater?'

This book is a gold mine.  Although tempted, I won't quote from every 
page, but check out this concise explanation of the cause of parenting 
difficulties:

    "Often a parent has no clue about why she is having problems with 
her child.  But the perspective of Imago Theory is that there are 
reasons that explain what kind of problem she is having . . . and 
why . . . and why now.  These reasons are directly linked to the 
problems her parents had with her when she was a child and the 
consequent damage that resulted to her psyche during their clumsy 
or hurtful interactions with her.  Whether they intended to or not, 
her parents wounded her.  They may have ignored her or criticized her 
or smothered her with unwanted attention or undercut her efforts to 
be independent or didn't allow her to be angry.  The list is a long 
one, as we will see in later chapters.  At those places where her 
own growth and wholeness were damaged, she responded by scarring over 
the wound."

    "These 'scarrings' serve the purpose of protecting her from 
further pain.  They can take many forms, including the kind of 
defensive behavior we are all familiar with: denying parts of 
ourselves and exaggerating others.  The net result is that her 
natural self has been distorted into something that is not natural 
to her, but which through the years has become an established part 
of her character.  The scarrings are what are causing the trouble 
now.  They impair her ability to respond well to her own child.  
In particular, she will have trouble with her child at exactly 
the point her parents had trouble with her.  Her woundedness 
contaminates her ability to parent her child because her own 
unmet needs keep getting confused with his.  The healthy psychological 
distance so necessary to conscious parenting is very difficult to 
achieve when you confuse yourself with your child."

This book has changed me, probably forever.  I'll close with the 
statement that really left me squirming:

"If she can't feel this truth in her bones -- my child is not me -- then 
she needs to be very careful.  She will likely not have good judgment 
about what safety, support, or structure she can provide that will 
meet her child's needs in the present situation, in the present moment.  
Her own unmet need will keep intruding, and she will parent him as she 
herself would like some magical parent to love, guide, and protect her.  
This may or may not meet his needs.  Most likely, it won't."

Oooch, does this explain a lot for me!  I know in my head that my son 
is not me, but not in my bones. At least not all of my bones!  In the 
early years, sometimes his crying would elicit tears from my eyes.  
My fear of heights kept him from climbing as a toddler.  I still 
wince when he gets hurt.  My throat clenches when he tells me he's 
having trouble communicating with his dad.  I feel nervous when his 
homework isn't done on time.  The urge to fix things for him, to 
make his life smooth and carefree, is almost irresistible to me.  
To spare him pain.  But who is really the one who is afraid of pain?

Me.

Who prefers a life that is smooth and carefree?

Me again.

Hmmm.  

Maybe smooth and carefree are not what he needs at all.  Maybe he 
actually would prefer challenges to conquer, obstacles to overcome, 
and adventure.  I've never even considered that before now.  Maybe 
love and symbiosis are both blind, and harder to distinguish than 
I realized.

I've often said that parenting is the short intensive course to 
self-awareness.  It provides so many opportunities for me to 
notice my 'almost irresistible urge to fix something'!  I know 
now that when I feel this way, I need to take a step back and do 
a quick inventory of my own needs.  Then I can take the appropriate 
measures to get them met.  And after my inner child quiets down, I 
will be able to really hear my son's needs, and hopefully meet them 
as well.  Until the day that he takes over and meets his needs for 
himself.

This is only a fraction of the ideas in the book, but I have enough 
homework to keep me busy for years! 

If there's enough interest, I'll put together a teleclass based on 
this material.  Email me if you'd like to participate in a 
class/discussion conducted via teleconference.  Include some times 
that would be convenient to schedule the call, and we'll see what 
we can come up with.

Blessings, 

karen