postcards for parents

Greetings!

So the holidays have come and gone.  How was it for you?  

Hopefully it wasn't anything like the experience of one of my clients:  

Minutes before her guests arrived, she was still frantically setting 
out holiday decorations.  Her kids melted down during the holiday meal, 
and ended up falling into an exhausted sleep at 6:00.  Christmas morning 
they were immortalized on video tape ripping open their presents and 
then tossing them aside, until they finally reached the bottom of the 
pile and exclaimed, "Is that all we get?"  Happy holidays?!?   Anyone 
having fun yet? 

Hearing this perspective from an adult, I became curious about what 
Christmas might look like through the eyes of a child.  Enticing 
decorations go up that they are not allowed to touch.  A lovely pile 
of gifts accumulates under the tree, some with their name on them, but 
if they open them or even shake them they get in trouble.  They visit 
Santa and write him letters to submit their requests (demands?), then 
practice their best behavior hoping they'll be good enough to have them 
fulfilled.  They open Advent calendars to keep track of the number of 
days until the Big Day.  They are bombarded endlessly with radio and 
television commercials that romanticize 'the most wonderful time of 
the year.'

Ever wonder just how many presents would be required to qualify Christmas 
morning as the most wonderful day of the year in the mind of a child? 
When the big moment finally arrives, it it any wonder that they act 
"like brats" (as my client so aptly described it) , throwing paper 
everywhere, tossing gifts that were carefully and lovingly chosen 
just for them aside in their quest for more, more, more?

I make the case that this behavior is nothing more or less than we have 
programmed into them by teaching them to leave the experience of the 
present moment in order to anticipate the future.  After weeks of 
build up, are we really surprised that they are not excited by their 
gifts? Could anything in the real world match the expectations that 
we ourselves helped to plant and cultivate in their little minds?

How often does it happen in our adult lives that when a long-anticipated 
moment finally arrives, it deeply and completely satisfies our hopes and 
dreams?   I'm remembering the strange emptiness I felt after spending 
hundreds (ok, maybe it was dozens) of hours, and thousands of dollars 
planning the wedding, only to find that it was all over and done with 
in a matter of hours.  Sure it was a great party, but we could have 
made a down payment on a house for the same amount of money (and much 
less effort)!  

(disclaimer:  I've been accused of being almost painfully practical.  
I report with glee that I am guilty as charged.  Take me with a grain 
of salt if you happen to be painfully romantic.)

All I'm saying is that it seems to me that children naturally live in 
the present moment.  I'm not sure that we are doing them any favors by 
teaching them to anticipate some time in the future.  This would include 
countdowns to birthdays, vacations, graduations, and holidays.  Actually,
I don't think we're doing ourselves any favor by living that way, either.
Maybe I'm missing the boat, but nothing inside  me was fundamentally 
different the day after I graduated from college, got married, turned 30,
or got divorced.  These occasions include 24 hours to live as we choose, 
just like any other day.  Why make them more important or desirable than 
today?  

So here's my proposal for a holiday celebration that respects the present. 
(if you love the anticipation, stop reading right here.  If you're 
curious to hear about an alternative, continue on with me.) 

If your kids get lots of presents, consider letting them open one every 
day, either for the whole month or the 12 days of Christmas.  This way 
they may actually play with each thing!

Don't torment them by leaving a pile of forbidden gifts under the tree 
with their names on them.  Either don't label them until the last minute,
or hide them and only bring them out when they can be opened.  

Don't make gifts contingent on good behavior.  Chill out on the whole 
'be good, Santa's watching' guilt trip.  It is nothing more than 
Big Brother in a red suit.  And the kids feel manipulated when the 
truth finally comes out.  

Consider opening gifts that come by mail as they arrive, rather than 
saving them up for the big day. 

If you have very young children, hang only touchable and play-with-able 
ornaments within their reach on the tree.   

Don't bring them out out their enjoyment of the moment by talking about 
the future any more than necessary.  Better instead to join them in 
their innocent pleasure right now, and let the future come in its own 
sweet time. 

When you enjoy each step, the journey is such a pleasure that the 
destination no longer matters.  

Do not put off until the future what can be enjoyed today.  

My dad, with what I thought was cynicism but turned out to be insightful 
wisdom, used to tell me that if there was one key to happiness in life 
it was this -- don't expect anything, and then whatever you get will be 
a surprise.   So far, this philosophy has proven to be true for me. I 
was going to say that I hope to pass it on to my kids, but then I 
realized that maybe that won't be necessary.  Because left to their 
own devices, they don't look ahead to expect anything.  They just 
take it as it comes.   Maybe all I'll need to do is just leave that 
attitude undisturbed.

Kinda makes me feel sheepish. . . who's the role model here after all?

But anyway, happy today!  And as usual, I welcome any and all comments, 
either directly to me or on the website chat forum.  Let me know what 
you think.

Blessings,

karen