postcards for parents

Greetings!

A parent called me the other day in distress.  It seems that her almost 
3 year old son was having trouble sharing. Of course, this is typical 
behavior for that age group, and not always fun to deal with.  But to 
make matters worse his behavior was reducing much-needed contact with 
her own adult friends, most of whom had children as well.  She was 
embarrassed to invite other parents to her home, and the stress of 
sorting out the conflicts was feeling like more trouble that it was 
worth.

We all know how crucial and sanity-saving friendships are when you are 
facing the challenges of parenting.  This mother felt like she was losing
her lifeline. 

Culturally, we are taught that one of our jobs as parents is to enforce 
sharing.  It is so thoroughly ingrained that it seems logical. However, 
when I took a step outside this logic with the help of a book called 
Parachutes for Parents by Bobbie Sandoz, it suddenly appeared ludicrous.

We are holding our children to a standard that we ourselves do not live 
by.  When was the last time you got up halfway through the movie to give 
your good seat to someone else who’d been waiting?  Most adult systems 
are based on first-come/first-served, and if what you want is already 
taken you find something else.  If we want to prepare our children for 
the real world, then let’s be honest!

In the old paradigm, a child who is using a marker that another child 
wants must endure the ticking of the clock and the breathing down her 
neck of the next user.  How much attention can she give to her drawing?

In the new paradigm, as suggested by Parachutes, the second child must 
simply choose another color. If a toy, etc, is already in use, it is 
simply not available right now.  There is plenty of room for parental 
coaching on the benefits of choosing to share.  We can model for our 
children the joy of sharing in our own lives, and we can suggest to 
them how much fun it is to use things together to create joint projects.
But the choice is left to the child.

It reminds me of one of the Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle stories.  (those stories 
contain some of the most practical, timeless wisdom on child-raising!)  
Here’s the story as I remember it:  when Dick would not share, his mom 
labeled all of his items Dick’s Apple-Do Not Touch, Dick’s Baseball-Do 
Not Touch, and on and on all the way down to his toothbrush.  Dick was 
delighted.  But soon the other kids shunned him, and even laughed at him.
It didn’t take long before Dick decided that sharing was a lot more fun. 
The powerful part of this story is that Dick himself made the decision 
that sharing worked better for him. 

What I suggested to the mother in distress is this:  Before a friend is 
coming over, give your son plenty of advance notice that he will have 
company.  Make sure he has time to choose toys that he is not willing to
share and put them away somewhere.  These will be off-limits during the 
playtime.  Then explain that everything else will need to be available 
for his friend to play with.  However, if any particular toy is already 
in use by either child, and he does not want to play with it together, 
then the second child must choose something else.

It is important to explain your sharing policy to your guests.  It may 
be the first time they’ve heard anything like it, but most children and 
adults quickly see the effectiveness of this approach. 

I’m always appreciative of parenting techniques that are self-sustaining.
The Parachutes paradigm for sharing works so well that it will rarely 
require parental enforcement.  Because it makes sense intuitively, kids 
implement it easily. They all know that sooner or later they’ll be the 
one to take advantage of it.  

And, as a fringe benefit, nothing warms a mother’s spirit like seeing 
her child share from the heart, and not because he knows he’ll get in 
trouble if he doesn’t! 

Blessings,

Karen

p.s.  Do you have a parenting issue you'd like help with?  Call me 
during my open office hours, Tuesdays from noon until 2 mountain time, 
and receive a free sample of coaching. (303) 661-9204  And please feel 
free to share my hours and phone number with your friends.