postcards for parents

Greetings!

It's a funny thing, working in people's homes.  In addition to washing 
the dirty clothes, I often witness the dirty laundry.  These new 
postcards especially for parents are a direct result of an interaction 
I witnessed recently between a mother and her 2 1/2 year old son.

First let me say right off that I deeply and compassionately believe 
that we all are doing the very best we can as parents at any given 
moment. Although witnessing this interaction was very painful, I feel 
nothing but compassion for this mother and her situation.

She and her daughter entered their home from the garage without the 
usual tagging along of the 2 year old.  I really enjoy the presence of
this little boy, so I asked where he was. His mom answered that he was 
still in the car in the garage having a time out. 

I immediately went into an inner dialogue of self-recrimination -- 
something along the lines of, "see how firm and unapologetic she is 
in her discipline?  Her kids know the boundaries and she's not afraid 
to enforce her clear expectations.  Not like you, who are wishy-washy 
and let your kids walk all over you."

So I kept cleaning, all the while wondering why I was such a failure as 
a parent, and in about 5 minutes she went out to the garage to see if he
was ready to come back in.  As soon as she opened the door I heard his 
yell of outrage and indignation.  So she shut the door and came back in 
and read the paper for a while.  I, meanwhile, was very impressed by her 
neutral emotional state and detachment.

This series of checking, yelling and door shutting continued on in ever 
increasing intervals.  The seven year old daughter said to me,  "He 
doesn't want to come in because he's gonna get his mouth washed out with
soap.  He called my mom a stupid mommy."

Now I'm thinking to myself, geez, I wouldn't want to come in either!  
The next thing I know, he's in the house half walking half being dragged
(gently) up the stairs. He is crying and begging his mom not to make him 
get soap in his mouth.  This was not the cry we all know that is 
basically a tantrum when a kid doesn't get his way.   This was a pleading
cry from the depths.  

I began to shake. I remembered that cry.  Viscerally. From the days 
when it used to come from my own depths.   I felt the split that occurs 
inside when a person is required by one in power to betray themselves.  
It would almost have been better if she had carried him upstairs and held
him down and forced the soap in his mouth. 

But instead he had to walk to the bathroom, pleading for reprieve and 
begging for mercy the whole time, and then brush his teeth with Dial soap.
He was forced to hurt himself with his own hand.  (I do realize that soap
in the mouth in uncomfortable, not painful or harmful.  But to his little
being it was clearly a violation of his body)

I was trembling, and I felt the welling up of tears in my throat.  It was
almost unbearable, and I thought about stepping outside.  I was keenly 
aware that my reaction in this moment could be seen by this mother as a 
judgment, and the last thing I wanted to do was add embarrassing her into
the mess.  And although my heart broke with the emotional pain of this 
interaction, it was not technically child abuse.  So I kept dusting, and
said a prayer of compassion as the tears poured down my face. 

I also said a prayer of gratitude.  I had been given the gift of a change
in perspective.  'Inadequacies' in my parenting suddenly became strengths.
For although my children certainly don't have perfect behavior (do any 
children?), I realized that I have never heard them cry in fear like that,
or beg me for mercy.  Their spirits have not been broken in order to 
achieve compliance.  That's not wishy-washy.  That is a part of me that 
is keenly sensitive to abuses of power.  I no longer felt apologetic for
my parenting style.  I felt empowered and strengthened in my determination
not to use intimidation to control behavior. 

She put him in his room when it was over.  As she passed me she said, 
"What do you do when Love and Logic doesn't work?"  But she moved away 
before I could say anything.  It was not an invitation for dialogue.  
I could see the logic part at work, but where was the love?  He was 
sobbing "mommy" in that exhausted way that says "please hold me so I 
can settle down."  But she could not respond.  She wanted him to behave 
and be remorseful before she would open her heart to him again.  

This woman is one of the kindest, most engaged parents I know.  She is 
attentive, nurturing and loves her kids very, very much.  And we all 
have bad days.  But I realized that this more than just one bad day 
when the daughter said (as only 7 year olds can), "it's like this every 
single day around here." 

Somehow, parents are falling through the cracks.  The information about 
how to discipline without using intimidation is not getting out there 
into the trenches.  Thus, my feeble attempt at changing this situation 
is to share via postcards some other tools for your parenting toolkits.  
Will you help me by forwarding these postcards to other parents?

There are so many ways this interaction could have been different.    
Clearly, for this mother, being called stupid was a trigger.  I suspect 
that it was more about insisting on 'respecting your elders' than about 
the word stupid in particular.  But why can't we allow our children to 
speak their opinions?  What is threatening about the opinion of a 2 year
old? 

What if, when a child voiced an opinion, we heard it without taking it 
personally?  Something along the lines of, "I can see how this might seem
stupid to you.  I see it differently."  We have had to learn responses 
like that in order to get along with dissenting adults.  You don't make 
your employee wash his mouth out with soap if he disagrees with you at a 
board meeting. (at least, not if you expect to keep your job!)

As my friend Julia recently pointed out --  our laws forbid violence 
(beatings, intimidation, harrassment, coercion, bribery) against adults,
who are usually somewhat equipped to defend themselves. But we look the 
other way when parents violate (spank, verbally abuse, shame, belittle) 
their children, who are not capable of defending themselves, and 
furthermore are dependent on their parents for survival!   Sure we 
prosecute the ones who leave marks, but what about the marks that are 
inside and cannot be seen?  I believe those invisible marks are the 
precipitating factor behind all the violence we see in the world around
us.  World peace truly does begin at home.

Not being much of a politician, I prefer the grass roots method of 
social change.  So here's my proposal.  Begin today treating your child 
as if he/she belongs to the parents next door.   Even better than that, 
as if he/she is the adult next door!

This automatically removes intimidation and violence from your parenting 
tool box.  So let's get creative!  How are you going to force cooperation
now?  I'd make the case that if you are needing to force cooperation, 
you may want to look closer at what your agenda is.  I'm sure you all 
know that I am not talking about basic health and safety issues here. 
Like it or not, your child may not stick his fingers in an outlet or 
climb unstable bookshelves.  But be honest, how many issues a day are 
really about survival?

I'm wondering how many times we control our children just because it is 
more convenient and we can?  

When we try to affect another adult's behavior, we use discussion, logic,
natural consequences and clear communication.  We may go all out for 
impassioned persuasion.  But the choice to change always belongs to the 
other person. 

Can we experiment with giving our children the same respect?

In later postcards I'll be going into how this might look.  I welcome 
your questions and/or comments. 

Blessings,

Karen

p.s. As a life coach I am thrilled to provide information and support 
to parents via telephone and email as they implement non-violent, 
non-shaming methods of disciplining their children. Please contact me 
to schedule a free coaching session!