postcards for parents

Greetings!

In last week's postcard you read about needs-based communication
(I'll call it NBC for short).  This week I'll address the applications 
of needs-based communication in families.

Do you get caught in power struggles with your child more often than you 
would like?  Using NBC can dramatically reduce their frequency.  Let's 
get right into an example; here's one from my house last week:

son:  Ma, can the neighbor kids sleep over tonight?

me:  No, honey, not tonight.  (all four kids have been running wild in 
my house for eight hours already today)

son:  Come on mom, why not?  I really want them to.  You know they're 
gonna be moving away soon!  We want to spend as much time together as 
we can before they go.

me:  Yeah, I know honey, but I really need a break from kid noise 
tonight.  My patience is all used up and I'll be cranky when you guys 
are up late giggling.

(here we go back and forth some more along the lines of 'we won't giggle',
but I stick to my 'no', fully aware that my patience is frightfully thin.)

son:  Well, then maybe we could sleep at their house!

me:  It's ok with me . . . let's call their parents and ask.

They said yes, and the problem was solved to the satisfaction of all.  
I was even more than satisfied, since I enjoyed a blissfully quiet 
evening and was able to fully recharge my parental batteries.  

(An interesting side note:  The little girl starting vomiting early the 
next morning.  I don't need to tell you how glad I was that she was not 
at my house when she got sick!  My kids were home by eight a.m., and my 
son said, "Gee, mom, I'm really glad you said no.  It must have been 
your intuition, and boy was it right!"  He also told me how much he 
appreciated how clean our house was, and from that day on he has taken 
a much more active role in keeping it that way.  One experience was far 
more effective than dozens of my lectures.)

The key to this working out so well was that both he and I stated our 
needs, not our demands for how, specifically, they would be fulfilled.  
That left room for a new solution to present itself.  Once the needs 
get out on the table, the negotiations can begin in earnest.  This kind 
of creative, respectful problem-solving skill will serve your children 
well in playground politics as well as later in life.

The sleep-over negotiation was an abbreviated version of the following 
problem-solving process: 

First, each of you clearly express your needs, not your demands, 
not your requirements, not your desires, but your needs.  This seems 
simple, but it is not always easy to distill pure needs out from among 
your control issues.  No judgment, ridicule, or degradation of each 
other's needs is allowed. (my dad used to say, "no comments from the 
peanut gallery.")

Then the brainstorming period begins.  Someone takes notes, and 
anything goes.  If my example above occurred in the summer, my son could 
have proposed that they'd sleep out in the tent so I wouldn't be 
disturbed.  Again, no judgment allowed here.  We'll screen the options 
later for viability.  At this stage we just want the creative juices 
flowing.  When you have at least 10 choices, you're ready to move on.

Now, review the options together.  Some will clearly not be workable, 
and should be no problem for you both to agree to omitting.  This is 
the fun part.  Respectfully, you'll discuss the remaining ones until 
you reach an agreement.  If no agreement is possible, go back to 
brainstorming, with great faith that a win-win option can be generated.  
Take a break if necessary to rejuvenate.  Apply this step again to your 
new list, and eventually you will find at least one idea that meets both 
of your needs.

Finally, clear up the details of implementing the new solution, and make 
sure you both are in agreement about the whole package.  This part is 
important, because when kids are part of the solution they are much more 
likely to cooperate.  Make sure the consequences for non-compliance on 
either side are clear.

Those of you with younger children may be wondering if this procedure 
still applies in your situation.  In my opinion it is never too early 
for you to start verbalizing in this way.  You may be pleasantly 
surprised at how creative your preschooler can be!  Try taking notes 
using drawings instead of words.

The key to the success of this approach is that it defuses the power 
struggle and puts both of you on the same side of the problem; the 
solution finding side.  Your child is likely to sense the shift in the 
dynamic.  Think of a tug-of-war -- the game is over as soon as one of 
you drops the rope.  If your child refuses to accept your invitation to 
negotiate, simply make your decision unilaterally and move on.  Next 
time, offer again.  Your child will eventually see the benefit to 
participating!

Got a problem to solve?  Email me your questions or tough situations, 
and let's play with them to see how they could be reframed into a 
needs-based communication.  If you have a success story to share after 
trying this approach, send them to me or post it on my website.

Good luck!

Blessings,

Karen