postcards for parents

Greetings!

I got a phone call the other day from a friend I hadn't spoken to for 
several months.  The last time we talked, she was doing well.  She was 
enjoying being home raising her two little boys, and her husband was a 
successful artist.  Well, since then much has changed.

During one fateful two week period, her life fell apart.  Among other 
things, her husband was not awarded a crucial commissioned project, he 
lost his spot in a gallery, and three days before they were to sign the 
lease on their house for the next year some legal provisions were changed
and they realized they'd have to move.

She is now living in what amounts to a shack in the country with a 
reluctant relative.  The water from the tap is not safe to drink.  
There is no heat and no fireplace.  The faucet has no hot water in the 
kitchen, and no cold water in the bathroom where she bathes her two 
little boys.  Her husband isn't bringing in any income, so they are 
sellling things one by one to meet their living expenses.  She's hoping 
to find work in a day care center or something similar so that she can 
at least keep her boys near her during the days.  

Despite living conditions which absolutely broke my heart, she still 
believes in her husband's talent.  She is willing to do whatever she 
needs to do to help the family stay together and make it through this 
rough spot in the road.  But it breaks her heart to think of placing 
her young children in day care so she can work.

When I hung up the phone it was a long time before I could stop crying.  
The injustice of this situation is so hard for me to make peace with.  
Why is it that our society places no monetary value on a mother raising 
her children at home? 

At great expense she has chosen to direct her considerable talent and 
resources into taking care of her own children.  This decision is good 
for everyone but her.  Society benefits from her well-adjusted children 
when they grow up and enter the system.  Already strained child care 
institutions have more resources to allot when there are fewer children 
in attendance.  The benefits of kids growing up at home with their moms 
just seem too obvious to even bother listing. 

Yet mothers at home do the work of several paid professionals, with no 
salary and no benefits.  Cleaning other people's houses pays 20-25 dollars
an hour.  Cleaning my own pays nothing.  Taking care of other people's 
children pays 8-15 dollars an hour.  Taking care of my own children pays 
nothing.  A meal in a restaurant costs at least 3 times what it costs to 
make at home, and mothers don't get tips.  A local household management 
business I know of makes thousands of dollars a month per household to 
clean, shop, pay bills, do yardwork, plan parties, do laundry, etc.  
Exactly what I do all day, every day in my house, but for free!  And I 
don't get insurance, vacation or sick days, either!

I know I'm ranting, but something is really wrong here.  My friend is an 
educated, nurturing and talented woman.  But in order for her family to 
survive she must sell her skills to the parents of someone else's child. 
And during that time she must deposit her own children with whatever 
child care provider is the lowest bidder.  This is nothing short of 
sickening to me.  

I must admit to being ignorant of the details of how other countries 
handle this situation.  Isn't it Sweden or somewhere like that where 
all mothers are expected to stay home until their child is three, at 
which point the child goes to a very high quality neighborhood child 
care center?  Don't some countries have mothering allowances?  Well, 
I guess my point is that whether other countries do or not, we should.

Here's my vision.  It's much too simplistic, I know.  But I hope I live 
to see the day that it comes true.

Can't we have a system similar to social security for mothers (or fathers) 
who desire to raise their own children?  It would offer them a basic 
living wage,  food stamps or similar to ensure adequate nutrition,  
medical care, subsidized rent, etc.  Parents who chose to raise children 
could be trained and encouraged to take care of one or two other children
as well, children whose parents prefer to work outside the home.  They 
would be paid well.  While we're at it, can't we just make sure that 
everyone in this country has enough to eat and adequate medical care and 
safe shelter?  How can we call ourselves a civilized nation when so many 
children are going to bed hungry, sick, or in danger?

This is definitely an achilles heel for me.  I'm sure there is plenty of 
documentation out there about ways this could work.  I just don't know 
where it is.   Someone somewhere must have this already figured out.  
What I want to know is when will we as a people get behind this vision?  
Because I am watching too many really excellent mothers who want to be 
home go back to work because they see no other choice.  And those who do 
stay at home pay a terrible price.  And all I know is, this is just not 
right.

I hate to raise issues like this without offering a well-thought-out 
solution.  But this one really has me stumped.  It hurts so much to 
watch my friend have to make choices like this.  I want her to be 
rewarded for doing such a wonderful job as a mother.  I want her children
to benefit from having her with them.  And I just don't know what to do 
to help her.

For now all I can do is invite her to come over to take a hot bath and 
sit in front of the fire for a while.  But eventually she will have to 
leave and go back home.  I do believe in the tapestry, and that as awful 
as it looks what is happening to her (her thread) is really part of a 
bigger plan (the tapestry).  But it must also be part of that plan for 
me to cry when I think about it, and to wish things were different.  

So why am I telling you this?  I really don't know.   Maybe I just needed
to vent.  Maybe one of you will play a significant part in changing 
things.  Or maybe if we all join together our unified intention can 
bring some comfort to my friend, and to so many others like her in 
similar situations.   Sometimes a miracle needs a hand.

Blessings,

Karen
p.s.  just got home from the library, and Mothering magazine has an 
excellent article this month about child-friendly Sweden!  Check it out 
to see the possibilites . . .