postcards for parents

Greetings!

Recently I sent out some links about world events.  The interview with 
Riane Eisler really got me thinking.  Here's the link again, in case you 
missed it:   http://www.alternet.org/story.html?StoryID=11681   
I suggest reading it before you continue reading the postcard, but 
I'll try to be clear enough so that it will make sense either way.

Here's the paragraph I found most intriguing:

. . . in rigid dominator families, whether in the Muslim world or 
elsewhere, you learn from childhood that it's okay to impose your will 
by force on those weaker than you -- women and children -- that it's 
your God-given right to do so. And you learn never to express your 
anger or resentment against those who cause you pain, for fear of more 
pain. So you have a lot of stored rage that can be redirected toward 
"out-groups," in pogroms and lynchings and "holy wars." 

Many of us have been trying to parent in non- dominator ways, often 
simply because we know it doesn't feel right to treat our kids any 
other way.  Little did we know that we are also raising children 
capable of creating a better future for our world. . .  

It can be challenging to leave the authoritarian paradigm behind. We 
may be subjected to criticism from others who tell us that our children 
are out of control.  (i.e. "When you were 3 you would never have spoken 
to me that way!" from the grandparent of a spirited preschooler.)

Not only is this generation of children not afraid of their parents, 
they also do not automatically give elders respect simply on the basis 
of their age.  Respect must be earned.  And that only happens when the 
adult treats the child with respect.  Simple equation, but very 
threatening to adults who demand to be respected even as they criticize 
or belittle their young relatives!

In their book The Indigo Children, Lee Carroll and Jan Tober compile 
contributions from several professionals who have worked with children 
for many years.  All comment that today's children seem to be inherently 
different than earlier generations in several significant ways.  They 
come into the world acting and feeling like royalty.  They resist 
accepting authority without explanation or choice.  Waiting in line or 
respecting social conventions is often difficult for them.  And they 
will not respond to guilt discipline (i.e. don't you feel bad taking 
that toy from your baby sister?  Nice girls don't take things that don't 
belong to them.)

Children who feel like royalty are not going to stand for any attempt 
to shame them into good behavior.  Nor will they respond to power trips 
or fear-manipulating threats.  Uh-oh, there goes most of the standard 
tools used to coerce good behavior!  Now what?

It seems to me that the only thing left is to treat these kids with 
respect.  Give them choices, not commands.  Explain to them why it is 
necessary that certain things get done, and then give them input  as 
to when and how they will accomplish them.  Forget about demanding that 
they treat you in a certain way just because you are bigger or older 
than they are.  Treat them with the same respect that you would a 
colleague or friend, and you will earn their respect in return. Allow 
them the freedom to do things differently than you would . . . you will 
often be amazed at the creative and efficient alternatives they generate!


Sure it seems easier to say,"Do it because I said so!"  And of course 
we will all lapse into these kinds of responses under stress.  But most 
of the time they don't work anyway!  So the time it takes to explain and 
ask for input is well worth it.  If our children won't blindly follow 
our parental demands, I think we can rest fairly assured that they aren't
going to grow up and follow some terrorist leader's demands, either.  
And we all know how much suffering has been caused by those who were 
'just following orders.'

So that's what we're really up to while we endeavor to raise this 
generation in a new way.  Teaching them that it is ok to ask for an 
explanation to back up a request empowers them to make clear and 
informed decisions when we are not there to supervise.  Allowing them 
to opt out from the traditional cheek kissing by their aunt who is a 
virtual stranger to them encourages them to maintain their own personal 
boundaries and space.   

I don't know about you, but I don't want to raise a compliant child.  
I want my kids to ask questions and think before acting.  I want them 
to enforce safe boundaries.  And if this means that they will not 
blindly obey my commands, it's a trade I'm willing to accept.  I don't 
want my kids to obey me because they are afraid of what I'll do if they 
don't, but because they trust my judgment and wisdom.   

Over time my kids have come to respect my authority.  It has taken many 
explanations and discussions.  Time well spent, in my opinion.  I like 
to think that later in life they will not be vulnerable to influence by 
those who use power and force to dominate.  I hope that if anyone tries 
to coerce them into doing something but won't offer a rational and 
reasonable explanation, they simply won't comply.

If you lead your children with love and honesty, they will indeed follow.
If you dominate and force compliance, they will eventually rebel, only 
to later follow someone else's lead because they don't have the skills 
to think for themselves.  

One crazy terrorist can't do much damage without a loyal following to do 
his bidding.  Remember the saying 'what if they gave a war and nobody 
came?'  What if they gave a terrorist attack, and no one showed up to 
implement the plan?

Blessings,

Karen

p.s. And now I eat my words, or, a quick disclaimer:  I just got back 
from a Halloween party at a museum where there was a nine or ten year 
old boy who was completely out of control . . . laying on the floor 
kicking and screaming, hitting strangers, and pushing the adults who 
were supervising the party.  His father stood by, feebly but respectfully
trying to convince his son to stop his tantrums.  The room was crowded, 
and nearby children were in real danger of being kicked or knocked down.
It was clear to me that there was an organic impairment going on with 
this kid; it was way, way beyond normal limits for behavior in a child 
his age. When you read these postcards, please keep in mind that I am 
only expressing my personal opinion, which is based on my experience with 
kids who are well within the normal range of age-appropriate behavior.  
For safety's sake, that kid at the museum should have been physically 
removed from the crowded area where he was physically attacking other 
people.  It would have been downright irresponsible to recommend a 
respectful conversation about anything at that moment!  Sometimes 
action simply must be taken, with no time for explanation.  So the 
bottom line is, please take everything I say with a grain of salt, 
and use your own best judgment about what works for your family.

As always, your comments are welcome, either as a direct reply or on 
the chat forum of the website.