postcards for parents

Greetings!

I'm at the kitchen table writing on my laptop while my ten year old son 
tackles and pins the six year old neighbor girl in the living room.  
It's a wrestling match.  When the kitchen timer rings, the next round 
will be my seven year old daughter against the eleven year old neighbor 
boy.  Sometimes they do tag team.

To the casual observer I may look negligent, but I'm actually quite 
conscious of every move.  My laissez-faire style has developed from 
countless hours spent observing such altercations from a quietly 
attentive eye in the back of my head.  This group of kids has always 
displayed an underlying concern for each other.  They've earned the 
privilege of holding wrestling matches.  Despite the many thumps, 
thuds and crashes, no one has ever been hurt.     

The big ones somehow control their bodies so as not to hurt the little 
ones.  It is really an amazing thing to witness . . . I'm not quite 
sure how they do it.  They're like puppies.  They feel where each 
person stops and starts, they sense the line between play and abuse, 
and they really don't want to cross it.  They just need and want to 
get physical in their play together.   

Parents are often concerned about physical interactions between kids.  
We feel the urge to rush in and protect the little ones.  We set down 
all kinds of rules designed to keep things safe -- no hitting, no 
pushing, sometimes even no name-calling(I'll tackle that one in another 
postcard).  But these rules are not necessary for the kids.  They are 
for us, so that we feel like watchful and responsible parents.  In most 
cases, kids do not want to hurt each other.  Even when they are fighting
for real, not just wrestling. They simply want to defend their own 
bodies, possessions and personal space.  

For example, if one child grabs a toy that another child was already 
using, the natural reaction will be to grab it back, push the offender 
away, and then go back to playing.   Rarely will the one who was using 
the toy put it down in order to pursue or punish the offender. And 
rarely will the offender persist more than once or twice when met 
with this kind of resistance.

It is only when we grownups interfere with this natural feedback loop 
that things can get out of control.  This is because often we ask the 
one who was violated to use his or her words to get the toy back. Guess 
what, folks?  This hardly ever works with young children!  They are 
physical, not verbal.  I know, we think we are teaching them to be 
civilized and all that.  But to take away a child's natural and 
appropriate defense against a violation and substitute one that is 
usually ineffective leaves the child with no way to protect himself.  
At which point he becomes an enticing victim, and as he is violated 
again and again and not allowed to defend himself effectively he gets 
angry.  And when we aren't looking he really wallops the other kid.

I first observed this dynamic when my daughter was about a year old. 
She would just grab a toy out of her 3 year old brother's hand and 
run away.  I had taught him that under no circumstances was he to 
hit his sister.  She totally ignored his civilized request that the 
toy be returned.  So unless he came and got me and asked me to intervene,
he lost his toy! 

My rule had disempowered him and set him up to be victimized.  It also 
made me the enforcer, and involved me in almost every one of their 
interactions.  If I was too busy to help, he lost.  When I got 
interrupted repeatedly from whatever I was doing to be the toy 
police, I lost!   

It didn't take long for me to see that this was just not going to work.  
I was annoyed from the constant interruptions.  My baby daughter was 
well on her way to becoming a bully.  And coincidentally, right around 
that same time something strange happened to our hallway.  It must have 
become a lot narrower, because suddenly it seemed impossible for them 
to pass each other in opposite directions without his elbow making 
contact with her chest and knocking her over.  (and we wonder about 
the roots of sibling rivalry)

So I taught him that he was allowed to take back whatever she grabbed, 
using words accompanied by force if necessary.  And he was also allowed 
to hold her arms down to her sides when she started hitting him.  In 
this way balance was restored.  She learned that there were unpleasant 
consequences to grabbing and hitting.  He learned how to defend his 
space without becoming overly angry or aggressive.  I was relieved to 
see that they could really work things out on their own without my 
constant intervention.  And as an added bonus, our hallway returned to 
its normal size.

A key part to this strategy is that the one who is enforcing their 
boundaries is not allowed to use any more force than is necessary to 
stop the attack.  So if my son were to grab the toy back and then chase 
her around the house hitting her over the head with it, I'd need to 
intervene.  

When I encouraged this intuitive balancing, conditions became very 
conducive to forgiveness.  Anger did not build up to the level of a 
grudge.  A violation occurred, it was corrected, and they got right 
back to the business of playing, which was all they wanted to do in 
the first place.  

I wonder what a child raised in this way would have to say about the 
current world situation?  Maybe that people must not be allowed to 
hurt other people, violate boundaries, or threaten the safety of others.
So we will use only exactly as much force as is necessary to protect 
ourselves and others from violation.  And then as soon as possible we'll 
get back to the business of living together as stewards of this planet. 

Any other thoughts on this? Feel free to share your ideas in the chat 
forum on my website. (see below)

Well, gotta go.  I've been recruited to be the timekeeper for the next 
round . . .

Blessings,

Karen

p.s.  check out my new website at karenalonge.com.  It's not on any 
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