postcards from nowhere

greetings!

I've been starting various postcards to you for several months now, 
and not one of them has made it to completion.  I don't think it's 
writer's block, although I must admit I'm not sure what writer's block 
is, exactly.

But, no, I don't feel blocked.  It's more a feeling like I heard a 
woman speak of at a gathering last year -- Nothing feels true enough 
to take a stand for. 

A strange place for me, usually a very opinionated woman, to find 
herself.  But here I am. 

So now I'm just trying to figure out if that might actually be due 
to some type of depression, or if maybe it's a new level of personal 
development.  And of course, it really doesn't matter what it is.  
It just IS!

But it used to be so easy for me to get worked up over things.  
I loved that bumper sticker that said

 If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention.  

While I can still concede that this could be quite true, apparently 
I've moved into the not paying attention camp.  Only that doesn't 
feel exactly right either.  I am paying attention.  I'm just not upset 
or worried by what I see like I used to be.  

Is anyone else feeling this, too?  It's almost like resignation.  
Or maybe simply an end to the naivete and innocence that led me to 
believe that my opinion really mattered, or that I could personally 
influence the course of events.

Now it feels as though the happenings in the world will simply continue 
to unfold, as a flower blooms or leaves decompose, regardless of my 
preferences.

Instead of focusing on major events and world happenings, my attention 
has shifted to the small details of my personal interactions.  

Maybe this is a well documented and typical response to feeling out of 
control -- to narrow your scope of attention until you find an area 
that seems to be in your personal sphere of influence again.  If so, 
then I guess I'm normal. (who knew?)

Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

I participated in the virtual march on Washington recently -- the one 
where the senators and representatives were flooded with calls and 
inundated with emails and faxes every minute all day long from 
constituents urging them to support inspections, not war, in Iraq.    

A website carried a link to an 'anti-war room,' where the messages 
that would be delivered were displayed in text boxes that popped up 
all over a map of the United States.  I spent a very long time reading 
all of these messages.  What a study in communication strategies!

The first thing I noticed is how easy it is to dismiss anything that 
follows an insult, no matter how logical it is.  Any comment that 
started out attacking, belittling, or name calling our president 
immediately turned me cold to whatever else that person had to say. 

It's not that I'm a big fan of Dubya.  I just couldn't condone 
disrespect as an anti-war protest tactical maneuver.  

And that's what I mean about my attention shifting.  

I understood the fear and anguish that some folks were feeling 
about the war, and I understand that it seems to be human nature 
to project these fears out in anger.  But I wanted to stick daisies 
in the rifles of the soldiers, and in the pens of the protesters.

I didn't enjoy participating in a 'peace movement' made up of folks 
who thought they could defeat war by insulting those who have 
different opinions.

Looming larger in my awareness than the content of war/inspection 
debate was the quality of the interactions among those involved.  
Are pro- and anti-war folks respecting each other?  Are we allowing 
each other to voice our opinions publicly and safely, as is the 
American Way?  

Some time has passed since I started writing this.  Last night Bush 
gave the 48 hour ultimatum.  Although I believe miracles can happen 
any time, any place, it seems as though war is imminent.  

I've been seeking out conversations with friends who think the war 
is a good idea, because I want to hear their opinions.  And I'm 
fascinated by the fact that not one of these conversations has 
turned into a debate.  

Maybe that's because in order to debate, I'd need a platform or 
a stance, and I don't seem to have one strong enough to bother 
arguing about.  

I wish the inspections could have been given more of a chance to work.  
I wish we had the support of the UN.  Yet, on the other hand, I imagine 
that our leaders have much more information than I do, and are making 
the best decisions they can given the parameters they are required to 
work within.  

So, here I am back at the beginning.  I don't know whether this war is 
right or wrong, necessary or unnecessary.  And the war apparently 
doesn't care what I think.  

So I'll put a candle in my window, to represent the light of hope and 
reason, and to light the way back home for our soldiers.  
(see www.moveon.org/windowlight)

And I'll keep praying that people all over our planet will one day be 
able to enjoy the daily blessings of freedom of thought, belief, 
discourse, and movement that I sometimes take for granted.  

Then I'll focus my attention on the quality of my own thoughts and 
actions, using this quote from Scott Morrison as my guide:  

Am I willing to live this moment with as much attention, honesty, 
understanding, and affection as possible, or am I going to do 
something else?

In all honesty, that question alone, asked moment by moment, feels 
like my only real business.  The rest will take care of itself.  

If I were to die in a terrorist act tomorrow, I'd like to take comfort 
in knowing that I spent my last days doing what means more to me than 
anything else - loving.  

Hmmm. I guess in a way, I am sort of taking a stand after all.  
Not for or against war, but for love in all its forms and 
manifestations.  And this might draw some contempt from some folks, 
but that's OK, your comments and criticism are welcome here:  
maybe every single thing that happens here on earth, is, potentially, 
at its core, a manifestation of love.  

Even war. 

I'll leave you with a quote from Rumi:

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field.  
I'll meet you there.

take care,
karen

p.s. you can read more from scott morrison at www.openmindopenheart.org