postcards from nowhere

Greetings!

Last postcard I talked about the connection between anger and boundaries.
This time, I'd like to explore another link in the anger chain; the one 
between anger and unmet needs.

As I see it there are several categories of needs.  There's the basic 
daily requirements -- food, water, shelter, and rest.  And it's probably 
not news that when those are not met, we tend to get a little on the 
cranky side.

Then there's the kind of needs that are on my mind today.  Things like 
affection, approval, respect, validation, stimulation and recreation.  
(I have a mighty comprehensive list of needs that I use to help my 
clients identify theirs.  Email me if you'd like a copy.)  

When these kinds of needs are not fulfilled, they sometimes go 
underground and reemerge as anger.  The last straw kind of anger; 
the anger that is way out of proportion to the triggering event.  
In fact, sometimes the only clue that we may have an unmet need is 
the presence of intense rage.  

I have a theory about this.  I think that quite often, it is we 
ourselves who have driven our needs underground.  As dependent 
children, it serves us well to adapt to the patterns of our family 
of origin.  So, for example, a child quickly learns not to show a 
need for approval if he or she is raised in an environment rife 
with criticism.  If a child knows that there is no way a need will 
be met, he/she may unconsciously relieve the pressure by simply 
denying its existence.  Don't expect it and you won't be disappointed.  
Doing so helps us to adapt and survive until we are grown up enough to 
take care of ourselves.  It reduces our emotional losses -- staunches 
the bleeding, in a sense.  Denial is extremely effective as survival 
insurance.

So, we ignore/deny/supress our needs for reasons that make a lot of 
sense when we are little.  And then we grow up, and we keep them 
repressed out of habit.  Or maybe it's fear.  Probably some combination 
of both.

Until the day that we get cut off on the highway and want to rear end 
the offender in retaliation.  Or we shrilly berate our kid because he 
spilled his juice.  Or we plot a nasty revenge on a coworker who takes 
credit for our idea. (I once heard of a woman who spit on her rival's 
telephone mouthpiece.  Eww. Gross.)

You probably know by now where I'm heading with this.  When you react 
with anger that is out of proportion to the offense, perhaps it could 
be like a signal flare inviting you to attend to the sore spots. 

How?  Ferret out the unmet need.  Allow it to be true for you.  Forgive 
yourself for having it.  And find an appropriate way to get it met. 

Want an example?

John experiences intense road rage.  When other drivers try to pass him, 
he speeds up and won't let them back in, or retaliates by tailgating 
them.  His wife won't ride with him anymore, because she no longer 
feels safe while he's behind the wheel.  He suspects she's right, 
and he worries that one day he will do something really stupid 
during a fit of blind rage.  He decides to investigate his anger.

During a quiet time (when he's not in the car!), he leads himself 
into an imaginary scenario that is representative of the ones that 
trigger his rage.  He feels the burning, the pressure, and allows 
it to be there without acting on it.  He notices the areas of tension 
and heat in his body, and pays close attention to those sensations 
without trying to change them or push them away.  Then he asks himself, 
"What do I really need right now?"  And his body speaks to him.  It 
speaks of the need to be ahead, to be first, to be the leader of the 
pack.  He remembers the moment when he sent that need underground, 
during gym class in 3rd grade.  

But today, he brings it out into the light, because he's tired of 
wasting his energy keeping it buried, and he's tired of road rage.  
After acknowledging to himself that a part of him really needs to be 
in front sometimes, he shares his new insight with his wife.  He asks 
her if she'd be willing to help get this need met in a conscious way.  
Together they draw up a plan --  on their daily hike together she will 
ask him to lead, and she will not question his sense of direction.

(Men-this is obviously written by a woman, right?  Guilty as charged.  
But is it too far out there to be possible?) 

Needs are just needs.  Get them met, consciously, and you will not be a 
slave to your anger.  Enlist the help of those who love you.  It's an 
investment they'll probably be willing to make, because the return is 
worth the risk.

Take care,

Karen