postcards from nowhere

Greetings!

Several years ago I heard the theory that all anger can be traced back 
to a boundary issue.  At the time I dismissed this idea as much too 
simplistic.  But lately, I'm not so sure.  Maybe it really is that 
simple!

For the purpose of this postcard, I'll define a boundary as what you 
will and will not tolerate in your physical and energetic space.  
This includes what other folks can say or do to you, for you, and 
around you.  

All too often we are not aware of what our boundaries are.  That is, 
until they have been violated repeatedly and we find ourselves ready 
to attack the transgressor!  Have you ever been the bewildered target 
of someone's outrage?

A few years ago I was on an airplane with the kids, trying to keep 
track of their food and their toys and their backpacks and them.  
My son was enjoying the music coming through those headsets that 
plug into the armrests.  It escaped my radar that he was tapping 
his feet on the rack that was attached to the bottom of the seat 
of the passenger in front of him.  It was brought to my attention 
by a very angry man with a red, contorted face, who hissed at me 
through the crack in the seats to make him stop.

My son had no idea that his action was affecting anyone.  I have 
no idea how long this had been going on before the man finally 
said something.  But I'm pretty sure that it was too long!

So why didn't the man speak up when it first started?  I have no idea.

But for whatever reason, he did not communicate his need early enough 
to avoid anger.  He had a very reasonable need for his seat to be 
still, and my son's feet were crossing his boundary.  But it did 
not have to be that way.  Had he spoken up -- educated me and my 
son that the bar was attached to his seat and that tapping on it 
made his seat bounce in way that was uncomfortable for him, his 
boundary would have been respected.  Without that communication, 
that effort on his part, the violation continued until his anger 
erupted in defense.

Why do we so often assume that others know what we need without being told? 

How much anger could be avoided with clear communication?

I think that most of us respect a clearly stated boundary whenever 
possible.  (ok, there's the occasional sociopath, but I'm referring 
to the average Joe)  But until we inform each other of our boundaries, 
they may be unintentionally violated.  This leads to the accumulation 
of resentment, and finally the outburst that seems way out of proportion 
to the offense preceding it.

Maybe anger could be seen as a lovely indication that we have a boundary 
that needs checking up on.  When we notice the first signals of 
irritation arising, we can seize the opportunity to identify what 
it is that we need or don't need, communicate this clearly to those 
involved, educate the transgressor as to more acceptable alternatives, 
and finally to exit the playing field if our needs cannot be respected.  
And all of this could feasibly be accomplished without anger.

Don't get me wrong -- I'm not advocating an angerless world.  Anger 
can provide powerful fuel for making changes when intention is focused 
on the future (how can we make sure this won't happen again) rather 
than the past (I will seek revenge/punish you for what you did).  
I am simply suggesting that we burn some of that fuel on clearly 
communicating with each other.  Don't assume that people know what 
you need unless you've told them.  And if they still violate your 
boundaries, take appropriate action to enforce them.  (just for the 
record - pummeling the transgressor is not the kind of appropriate 
action I'm talking about.  More like restating the boundary, making 
a direct request for a change of behavior, changing the physical 
environment, choosing not to spend time with that person, etc.)

As often as possible, spend your time in the company of people who 
treat you with care and respect.  Then give them the gift of clearly 
stating your needs and boundaries.  They really do want to know!

Blessings, 

karen

p.s. several sharp-minded postcards for parents readers pointed out 
that some of my examples of symbiosis last week blurred an important 
distinction.  Feeling empathy for the pain of another is part of the 
human experience of compassion.  But responding to their plight as I 
would want to be responded to if I were in their shoes instead of 
meeting their unique needs at the moment indicates a symbiotic dynamic.  
The distinction between feeling and acting is an important one.  
Thanks for calling this to my attention!