postcards from nowhere

Greetings!

You know how at Chinese restaurants they have those placemats with 
Chinese astrology charts so you can see if you were born in the year 
of the horse, rooster, dragon, or whatever?  Well, I don't know which 
one it is this year, but only two weeks into 2002 I'm already seeing 
a theme.  So I'm dubbing it the year of two ears and one mouth.

I'm sure I've told you before that I'm a readaholic and learning addict. 
My educational experiences seem to arrange themselves in clusters.  
The latest jag is interpersonal communication.  Suddenly almost 
everything I read and hear is about how to listen and how to 
effectively express yourself without triggering the defenses of 
your listener.  Now that I am sensitized, I am noticing a plethora 
of communications that unintentionally violate the spirit of the 
listener.  (they even come out of my one mouth, much to my chagrin.)

I'm almost paralyzed here by the irony of using words and concepts to 
convey the limitations of words and concepts (it's sort of like judging 
judgment or refusing to tolerate intolerance). I'll tackle this paradox 
by issuing the following disclaimer;  don't believe anything I say.  
Check it out for yourself.  Watch, listen, and feel, and let your own 
experience transcend the limits of language.  

ok, so here goes:

I was volunteering at my kids' school today when my ears tuned in to an 
interesting energy exchange.  An elementary student had expressed his 
feelings about an upcoming assignment with a good-natured groan.  The 
teacher called out from in front of the class, as if to set an example, 
'you owe me a ticket for that, John.  That was rude.'  (tickets are 
given to the children for good behavior.  tempting as it is, I won't 
go into my views on the whole reward/punishment thing.  we'll save 
that for another day.)

I had the privilege of a different visual vantage point on this child 
than she did, and I saw the momentary flash of fear, pain and betrayal 
on his face before he quickly donned the cool guy mask.  I had to wonder 
what kind of decision he made internally at that moment about expressing 
his feelings out loud.  

Maybe he decided nothing after only one incident, but what about after 
having this experience week after week, year upon year?  If I had to 
guess, I would say that he might determine to keep his opinions and 
emotional expressions to himself in the future.  Will his lonely wife 
be pleading with him to talk about his feelings twenty years from now 
during marriage counseling?

(disclaimer:  please understand that I have no doubt whatsoever that 
this teacher loves her students, and is doing her very best, going 
above and beyond in order to teach them life skills as well as the 
academic curriculum.  And on any given day, she may have reacted 
completely differently.  I also believe that had she been aware of 
the violation that occurred, she would have been willing and able 
to offer very effective damage control.  She's a good teacher who 
really cares, and she probably would have taught him another way to 
express himself.)

Nonetheless, I was really feeling the toxicity that results from 
attaching a label or judgment onto someone else's emotions.  His 
groan was not in and of itself rude.  Another teacher might have 
laughed or groaned right along with him.  'Rude' was her interpretation. 

Yet, because she is in a position of authority, it was in his best 
interest to accept her interpretation without questioning it.  At 
least, not out loud.  Now we all know I occasionally tend toward 
the dramatic side, but I got a clear sense that this is exactly 
how the seeds of rebellion get planted.  An innocent expression 
is labeled as malicious, and no opportunity to clarify that intention 
is offered.  The truth must be suppressed in order to preserve the 
health and safety of the organism.  (Don't you dare talk back to me!)  
The child soon learns that it is not safe to show what it feels, lest 
it alienate those in charge of its well-being.  Not a big leap to 
decide that it's not even safe to have those feelings, so the cork 
goes in and the pressure builds up.  Sooner or later somethin's 
gonna blow. 

(amusingly ironic side note:  I took a break before proofreading this 
and went out to get the mail.  In the stack was a catalog offering 
nicely prepackaged programs to educate children about their feelings.  
Dittos, charts and flash cards explain to them what feelings are and 
how to express them.  Ever see a baby have trouble expressing her 
feelings?  Not until we teach her not to do it her natural way, 
which is usually physical, and loud, and oh so socially unacceptable!  
By the time she's in school she starts having trouble tuning in to 
how she feels.  Good thing we can buy this well-researched, carefully 
structured program to teach her about spontaneous, authentic emotions. . .)

Anyway, on the way home I got to thinking about how this interaction 
might be different next time . . . how can we communicate our feelings 
even as we demonstrate respect for someone else's?  I-messages are a 
powerful tool for expressing our own thoughts and emotions rather than 
labeling or judging anything outside of ourselves.  An I-message is 
just what it sounds like, a statement that begins with I, not you, 
and is semantically perfectly suited for taking ownership of your 
feelings. 

Imagine how you might feel being on the receiving end of the following 
you-messages and I-messages.  

John, you were very rude to groan like that.

John, when I hear you groaning after I give an assignment, I feel  . . .
(whatever she feels -- disappointed, curious, bewildered, concerned,etc.)
because I was hoping that spelling would be fun for us today. 

or -- 

Children, you are very rude to groan after you are given an assignment.  
You obviously don't care about hurting my feelings. 

I just heard a groan, and I wonder what it means.  Is this assignment 
too difficult?  Do you guys need some extra time or help to get it done? 
I think spelling is lots of fun, and I hope you will think so too after 
we try this together.

I think it's safe to say that most folks feel attacked by you- statements.
And in response, they want to defend and justify their position.  In 
order to do so, they may feel compelled to make the other guy wrong 
in the process.  On the other hand, an I- statement leaves room for 
understanding and compassion.  As in, "gee, I'm sorry, I didn't 
realize you felt that way.  That certainly was not my intention!  
Let me try to rephrase that."

Most of us are in positions of authority in at least one arena of our 
lives;   parents, teachers, coaches, managers, board members, business 
owners.  Each of us have spheres of influence where our choices may 
affect the quality of other people's lives.  If we offer a clean and 
clear statement of our own feelings instead of interpreting and labeling 
their experience, it just might initiate a productive conversation about 
unique perspectives and different temperaments, as well as set the stage
for win-win solutions to be found.  

My two ears really like the sound of that.  

Blessings, 

karen