postcards from nowhere

Greetings!

I'd like to share with you an email I received from one of my readers:

I enjoyed your latest postcard (well, I enjoy all of them). It made me 
think though that passionate people seem to have the gift to find joy 
and passion in almost anything they do, whereas some other people may 
never find it, no matter what they do.

And my reply:

I think you are absolutely right about that. It's funny, because even 
as the words were writing themselves I thought, that's a lie!  (the part
about the potential for joy in each one of us)  That kind of attitude 
seems to come from the inside, not the outside.  You can't make yourself
into a passionate person, and not everyone can experience that kind of 
joy (or even wants to, perhaps?) But I just write what comes out, and 
figure it came out that way for a good reason.  I am so delighted that 
you saw right through it!  Knowing and understanding that people have 
different temperaments, outlooks and potential leads to great inner 
peace.  Because no longer do you try to fit yourself into someone's 
else's idea/model/mold.  I so appreciate your insight.  Thanks for 
sharing it!

I'm so excited to hear from folks who have really given thought to what 
I've written.  I think it is so important for each of us to make use of 
our own inner barometer that tells us whether any particular idea is 
true for us or not.  Reading about the 'potential for joy in each one 
of us' may well ring true for you.   If so, then let it serve as a 
reminder and inspiration to live your life to the fullest.  However, 
if you sense that your life is not about that, then please let these 
words pass right through.  I would hate for anything I've said to be 
used as an instrument of judgment or condemnation.  Only you know what 
you are here to do and to be.  My intention is to support you in being 
unapologetically and unabashedly exactly who you are.  I'm glad we had 
this little chat.   And now, onward to our regularly scheduled postcard
 . . . inspired by Lena and her insightful feedback.

What if we all stopped trying right this second to be anything other than
what we naturally are?  Even if who we are is a person prone to cranky, 
sullen antisocial behavior sometimes?  I've been experimenting with this,
and it feels great to go with it instead of trying to hide it, bury it, 
or make it go away.

Sample dialogue:  "Honey, I am feeling monsterously crabby right now.  
I'm just gonna sit here and bitch for a while.   If you don't want to 
hear it, I understand.  I'll call my friend or write in my journal." 
This is the point when my partner usually says, "You know, I think I'll 
just take my motorcycle and go into town for a while."  Then he kisses 
my cheek and makes his getaway.  I call my friend or write or walk or 
whatever, and usually by the time he gets back the mood has shifted.  
But not because I tried to make it go away . . . it just ran its course.
No harm done, no argument with lasting consequences, no damage control
needed.

What is cool about this approach is that now, after hearing this a few 
times, my partner and my kids have learned that my moods really have 
nothing to do with them.   They no longer believe me when I try to hang 
guilt or responsibility for my own stuff on their heads.  They know that 
my anger is not their fault.  I've even heard my kids say to each other,
'oh, she's in one of those moods again.  Let's play upstairs (or next 
door!) for a while.'   Then they leave the problem with me and go merrily
on their way, free of the burdens 'what did I do wrong?' and/or 'what 
did I do to deserve this?' 

I recently read an excellent book called Mastering your Moods by 
Dr. Melvyn Kinder.  He delineates six cultural myths that are responsible
for a lot of the repression and psychological damage we infllict upon 
ourselves:

1.  The myth of uniformity:  We are all alike in our emotional makeup.  
    All 'normal' and 'healthy' people should feel and respond in the same way.

2.  The myth of good and bad:  Feelings are either good or bad; unpleasant
    feelings are bad and should be eliminated.

3.  The myth of control:  We can and should strive to control our emotions.

4.  The myth of perfectability:  We can and should strive for psychological
    perfection.

5.  The myth of emotional illness:  Emotional distress is a sign of 
    emotional or mental illness.

6.  The myth of positive thinking:  We create what we feel by what we 
    think.  We believe 'it's all in our mind' and willpower can change 
    our emotions.

If we believe these myths to be true, then in order to appear healthy 
we must repress any feelings that we judge to be outside the norm.  
I've heard it said that feelings are like children hanging on your legs 
calling mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy.  When you try to pretend you don't 
hear them they just get louder and more annoyingly insistent.  But when 
you finally acknowledge them, even with an exasperated WHAT?!?,  they 
say 'nothing' in that little singsong voice and go off to do something 
else. 

I wish I could make this book required reading in middle school, so that
no one would grow up thinking that they need to be anything other than 
real.  Feelings come, feelings go.  No big deal.  Let's let each other 
and ourselves off the hook.  

And like the reader at the beginning of this postcard, the next time 
you catch me perpetuating one of these myths, call me on it!  I'm always
grateful to be reminded of the truth.

Blessings,

Karen

p.s.  Interested in further dialogue about these myths and their 
implications in your life?  Still ruminating on an issue addressed 
in a previous postcard?  Phone in during my new open office hours; 
Tuesdays from noon until two mountain time (303) 661-9204. I'll take 
calls on a no-fee, first-come/first-served basis.  If you can't get 
through, send me an email and we'll schedule another time for a free 
coaching session.