postcards from nowhere

Greetings!

Last postcard I talked about weeding. Here's a tip for the master gardener:
If you run out of obvious weeds, look to the qualities that you judge as 
negative in other people.  Chances are good that they trigger such a 
strong reaction in you because they are weeds in your own garden buried 
so far below the surface that you've forgotten them.  The process by 
which we observe our buried qualities in other people instead of 
ourselves is called projection.

Projection is our way of distancing ourselves from a trait we have 
decided is undesirable.  Those weeds need to be brought out into the 
light of day and searched for the gift they hold.  Then they can be 
moved to a more appropriate place and allowed to give you their gift.  
You'll know they've been successfully transplanted when you are no longer
having a strong emotional reaction to someone else's behavior. 

Whenever you find yourself saying "I could never . . . (do that, say 
that, be that way, etc)", start digging.  We all have within us the 
capacity to do anything, even murder, given the right circumstances, 
upbringing, and beliefs. 

I vividly remember the moment I realized that I had within me the 
capacity to abuse my child.  I had been quite judgemental about child 
abusers before then.  Indignant.  How could they do such a thing?  To 
an innocent, helpless child?

It was about 10 years ago.  He was six weeks old, and I hadn't slept 
more than 45 minutes at a time since he was born.  He was having one of 
those late afternoon crying spells, and I remember feeling the impulse 
to shake him.  Anything to make it stop.  In a flash the essence of child
abuse opened up to me.  And I realized that if I had one less 
in my community, I could have done it.  One less ounce of self-control. 
One less hour of sleep.  One less dropperful of bonding hormones in my 
bloodstream. One less friend to call for help.  And in that instant, any 
judgment I carried about child abusers evaporated.  There, but for the 
grace of God, go I. 

In hindsight, I see the gift in that weed:  because I knew how little it 
would take to cross that line, I made sure I had much more support than 
I needed.  Not two friends to call in those moments, but ten.  And a 
dozen things I could do to calm down.  And the awareness that sometimes 
it was imperative that I put him in a safe place and walk away, even if 
he protested.  So the abuse never happened.  I never got that close to 
the line again.  But had I denied the existence of this weed in myself, 
I would not have put this safety net in place.  In order to prevent harm,
I first had to acknowledge that I was capable of causing it.
 
This does not mean condoning child abuse, murder or whatever other 
atrocities you see.  It does mean that you react to these things with 
compassion.  Having met the killer inside you, you understand how a 
good person could go so far astray.  Instead of reacting with punishment,
we can begin to think about how to repair the harm, or restore the peace,
or learn from the situation to prevent another occurrence.  

I remember reading somewhere (if you recognize this concept please remind
me of the source) that is is very interesting that our culture has laws 
that we all know will be violated. (Who among us can honestly say we have
never gone over the speed limit?)  The author was making the case that 
certain tribal societies had a better understanding of human nature than 
we appear to have today.  

It began with an assumption that people were going to screw up sometimes.
When a violation of the common good occurred, instead of everyone getting
all upset that someone could do such a terrible thing, the offender was 
simply required to make amends.  This restored order and allowed the 
offender to re-integrate into society in an environment of support and 
acceptance. The thief had to return the stolen goods plus an additional 
offering.  The person who committed murder became responsible for the 
dead man's wife and children.  

Re-integration was a win-win option.  The offender resumed his/her role 
as a functioning member of a society that needed the contribution of 
every single member.  (I imagine that at some point a repeat offender 
would be asked to leave the tribe.   But without community, survival 
was very difficult.  There was a lot of incentive to get one's act 
together before that point.) 

I volunteer with an organization that implements the principles of 
restorative justice in our community.  It is a court-approved alternative
to the traditionally punitive system.  The offender, victim and others 
gather face-to-face in a facilitated circle.  All members of the circle 
collaborate to identify the ways the offense has harmed the victim, the 
community, and the offender.  Then a written contract is drawn up that 
includes concrete steps that will be taken to repair the damage.  When 
the contract is complete, the slate is clean.  If the offender does not 
complete it, the case if referred back to the traditional courts. 
(Obviously this explanation is greatly simplified.  Email me for more 
detailed info.)

The powerful outcomes achieved by this process speak for themselves.  
Offenders are able to realize, often for the first time, the implications
their actions had on the lives of real people just like them.  The 
victim is able to experience restoration in a personal way, directly 
from the offender.  The community is able to support both of them in 
making better choices in the future and healing the past.

This is the essence of true social change.  The steps that must be taken 
to restore balance and harmony are often very time-consuming and 
energy-intensive -- not as easy as just paying a fine or going on 
probation.  But the offender undertakes these actions as an investment 
in a new way of acting and being in the world.  Together we help him/her 
transplant inner weeds into socially useful outlets.  (a quick example: 
in addition to scrubbing clean the walls he vandalized, a graffitti 
offender volunteers several hours of his time in a program that 
redirects younger kids to do wall mural art instead of graffitti).  
Statistics have shown that the rate of recidivism in restorative justice
cases is much, much lower than in the traditional court system.  This 
process actually changes people, from the inside out. 

A cultural paradigm shift begins with each one of us.  One household at 
a time, the concept of repairing the harm could ripple out into the world
into a tidal wave.  This process works on so many different levels. 
Instead of giving your child a time-out for spilling his juice, give him 
a sponge.  Instead of giving your spouse the silent treatment, explain 
how you have felt harmed and ask for it to be repaired.  Instead of 
firing the employee who made a mistake on the assembly line, ask her to
be involved in redesigning the process so mistakes are less likely.  

Those who are actively digging up and transplanting their own weeds are 
the torch bearers in front of this parade.  I am excited by the vision 
of a world where we all acknowledge the human tendency to screw up, and 
implement restorative principles so that each mistake moves us farther 
along as a people . . . closer together in our intention to forgive each 
other and set things right again. 

I think the garden we create together this way might just resemble the 
one we reportedly knew so well before that whole apple and snake incident.
Remember, the one where Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge?  

As I recall, pre-apple they knew no judgment.  Post-apple, certain things
became right and others wrong.  Some things good, and others evil.  
Interesting food for thought. Seems that introducing polarized 
classifications led pretty quickly to suffering.  What if instead of 
making people wrong, bad, or evil when they messed up, we simply held 
them accountable for the repair?  Maybe some of us might even volunteer 
to help.  

Each of us can plant the seeds in our own hearts and homes for this type 
of paradigm shift.  It's a vision worth cultivating. 

Blessings, 

Karen

p.s.  As a personal coach, I work with folks who are interested in 
applying the concepts of restorative justice in their personal and/or 
professional lives.  Focusing on repairing the harm instead of punishment
can create a profound paradigm shift and facilitate change at every level
of daily life.  Coaching takes place by telephone or email.  Contact me 
for a free get-acquainted session or more information!