postcards from nowhere

Greetings!

A few weeks ago we took the kids to see Monsters, Inc. on its opening day.
(which was crazy, since the line stretched out forever, but FYI I really 
did love the movie.)  The theater was approaching capacity, and the usher
came around asking people to slide over so all the empty seats would be 
easily accessible at the ends of the rows.  Three people in the row in 
front of us refused to move.  The usher asked several times, and soon the
crowd behind us started getting rattled.  Someone near me said, "Well, if
they're too rude to move, we will."  (an interesting example of a 
nice gesture imbedded inside an insult.)

Anyway, after several awkward minutes of trying, the bewildered usher 
finally gave up.  The empty seat next to them stayed vacant.  A few 
minutes after this incident I stood up get some popcorn, and as my view 
changed I could see that all three people were quite obese.  No wonder 
they didn't want to move!  It would have been cramped and uncomfortable 
for them and whoever was sitting in that vacant seat.  With the armrests 
up, each of them could have a little extra room without infringing on 
anyone else.  

Refusing to move was actually the lesser of two uncomfortable options.  
After seeing the truth, I wondered if perhaps that poor usher had not 
received enough training in customer service.  Granted, one of the three 
could have quietly spoken to the usher and explained the situation.  But 
they were pretty settled in, and it would have been difficult to stand 
up, doubly so because everyone behind them was staring at them.

It was a perfect scenario to mentally practice applying what I've been 
learning from an excellent book called Nonviolent Communication by
Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.  (check out the website at Center for 
Nonviolent Communication)   He presents a compelling case for the 
effectiveness of needs-based communication.  The basic premise is this:  
rather than telling the other person what you think of their character, 
choices or behavior, tell them specifically what you need.  A needs-based 
communication circumvents judgment and does not place the other party on 
the defense.  You both become part of the same team, working together on 
a common goal.  Needs can often be met even when agreement cannot be 
reached.

Sometimes, thinking in terms of needs can avoid a conflict before it even
starts.  For example, in the movie theater that day, the usher's needs 
were for more seating so that his customers would be happy.  Using this 
as his guide, he might have easily deduced that moving these three people
would only have led to four uncomfortable and potentially disgruntled 
customers, thus not meeting his needs at all.  Then he could have quickly
given up and moved on, looking instead for another way to find more space.
Or perhaps he might have noticed that the customer he was trying to seat 
knew he had come in late, and pretty much expected to have to wait until 
the next show anyway, so it wasn't worth the hassle.

I got an education along with my entertainment at the movie theater that 
day:  people do things for reasons that make sense to them, even if I 
cannot see or appreciate those reasons.  When people feel judged, they 
dig in their heels and refuse to negotiate.  Approaching communication 
from the perspective of needs rather than judgments leaves much more 
room for a mutually satisfying outcome.  

The applications for and implications of using this model extend far and 
wide, from conflicts between individuals to conflicts between nations.  
In my next postcard for parents, I'll address how needs-based 
communication works like magic to reduce conflicts within families.  
In the meantime, check out the chat forum on the website for some 
thought-provoking responses to last week's postcard about the value of 
mothers in our society.

Happy Thanksgiving to all -- we have much to be grateful for.

Blessings,

Karen