in hindsight

There's a certain stretch of road on my way home from Costco that always makes me wax poetic. Maybe it's some kind of energetic vortex or something?

Anyway, today as I drove home with my trunk full of good things in mass quantities and my belly full of one of those famous Costco hot dogs, I found myself feeling deeply grateful for the divorce that was oh so traumatic for me so many years ago. Now that I think about it, I bet the profusion of silver-haired couples at the store was the trigger.

Way back when I got married at the tender age of 21, I fully expected that me and my husband would be one of those couples who would go grocery shopping together in our golden years.

Several people have confided in me that they knew before or even during their walk down the aisle that their marriage would not last. I was not one of those people. I harbored no shred of doubt that we would be together for a lifetime.

I think that's why the end of my marriage was so totally devastating to me. I felt like the proverbial canary in the coal mine -- one minute I was chirping happily, blissfully unaware of the impending lack of oxygen. The next, I was out cold.

It was me who felt compelled nine years into our marriage to tell him that my integrity required me to revise my wedding vows, because I could only promise to be as truthful as I could with him and myself as each moment unfurled.

It was me whose ability to commit to my husband until death do us part transformed so suddenly into for as long as we are growing and happy together, and if we happen to make it to forever one day at a time, that's fine with me.

So I couldn't blame him for being shocked and upset. Heck, I was too. This change was more than the end of our marriage -- it was the end of my innocence. It ripped my trust in myself right out from under me. It killed my forevers forever. There was no going back to the days when I could believe in myself or what I thought to be true.

Next month my son will turn nineteen -- the age his father and I were when we met. I look at him and his friends, and for the first time, I really understand why so many of my mentors and professors begged me not to get married so young. And at the same time, I know in my bones that everything happens perfectly and for a reason. I may not have given birth to these two amazing children had I heeded their advice!

In any case, when I got married a week after graduation I knew next to nothing about being independent as an adult. I had never lived alone or fully supported myself financially. I did not have any sense of my own resilience and competence. I did not know myself as an independent energy - I only knew who I was as part of a We.

I was not yet aware of the insidious poison that oozes slowly from every compromise. I did not know from experience that there really are a lot of fish in the sea, and that I could fall in love with so many of them.

I also did not know that I could rebound - that my heart could break and heal over and over and over again, and it would only become deeper and stronger in the process. I did not know that there would always be another man to love, and that I could enjoy each relationship so completely even when there were no guarantees of a future together.

If not for that divorce, and the subsequent breakups of the relationships since then, I still might not know these things. So if I could go back in time to comfort that terrified me who did not know if she could make it on her own, I would tell her without hesitation that she can, she will, and she will be glad she did.

stacking the deck for compatibility

Here's the post I mentioned about William Glasser's book, Staying Together. It seems to be out of print, but from what I can gather, it's been updated and morphed into sort of a newer edition, called Getting Together and Staying Together: Solving the Mystery of Marriage. As always, this post is about my interpretation of his work, so please read his book for a completely accurate representation of his theories.

William Glasser is the founder of Control Theory, sometimes called Choice Theory, which suggests that we really only have control over ourselves and no one else. So if we think changes need to be made in a relationship, we are the one who is responsible for making them. He suggests that all human behavior is an attempt to satisfy these five basic needs: survival, love, power, freedom, and fun.

My colleague and I created our own parenting model, Inspiring Connections, which parallels his theory in a way that is sort of spooky. We also identified what we call Five Core Needs: Autonomy, Basic Survival, Connection, Contribution, and Creativity. In our workshops, we teach parents how to help their children learn constructive and socially appropriate strategies for meeting these needs. So his theory makes a lot of sense to me.

What I learned from Glasser is that this model can provide significant insight into relationship dynamics when we realize that each of us prioritize these needs differently. He suggests rating the importance of each need for each person on a scale of 1-5, and then comparing them to determine whether a partnership seems to have genuine long term potential.

It was pretty enlightening for me to map out my priorities and compare them with my best estimate of the priorities of my past relationship partners. I could see pretty clearly what I had missed while I was blinded by love -- that some priorities are inherently more compatible than others. Although there are always exceptions, in most cases love is simply not enough to overcome deeply mismatched need priorities.

For example, I have a very high survival need, so I won't be a good match for someone who doesn't. I'm just not a big physical risk taker. Odds are I would be constantly freaked out and scared by driving fast, high risk sports, or traveling through a foreign country without reservations. I would feel destabilized in those situations, whereas a man who enjoys that kind of adventure and ranks fun as a higher priority than survival would probably feel stifled by my need for security. And indeed, that is exactly what happened in one of my past relationships.

Other examples:

- Someone who doesn't need a lot of love and affection is likely to feel smothered by a partner who is physically expressive and prefers a lot of contact and communication.

- Two people who prioritize freedom fairly equally can be a good match, whereas a major difference in this area can lead to a pursuer/distancer dynamic that is painful and frustrating.

- A high need for power and a low need for power can work well together. Put two equally high needs for power in a relationship, and things can turn ugly very quickly.

As I mapped out my own priorities, it became very obvious what priorities would be most compatible in a mate. Now my next challenge will be to remind myself to investigate this issue before I get too deeply involved with anyone.

I'd like to think that I've experienced enough painful mismatches to have gathered the motivation to do my homework first. Only time will tell ...

bring it on

a quote from Abraham-Hicks, 10/6/96:

The intense intertwining of two people provides valuable contrast and motion forward that could not erupt without the powerful dynamics of two powerful creators coming together.

Your relationship literally provides a springboard for ideas that are born out of the intertwining of thoughts. The intense coupling of thinkers speeds and intensifies the decision making process.

There is enormous power in the contrast that erupts from two people blending ideas, situations, beliefs, intentions and desires.

Two working together provides more growth experiences for the human experience than one million people singularly focused.

When two beings, who are individually in vibrational harmony with their own Source Energy, come together — the physical experience of Co-Creation is at its very best.

the magnifying mirror

Ever heard the expression How you do one thing is how you do everything? Well, if that's true, then my hair has just gifted me with a major insight into my relationship patterns.

Let me explain. I wore my hair long and straight for many years. And then, a couple summers ago, I started feeling like that hair was no longer mine. So I got it cut off by the stylist I'd been seeing for years, surrendering myself to her capable hands. And I loved the result.

Soon after the big cut, her salon closed and she left town. I was a little freaked out. How would I find someone else that I trusted with my hair as much as her? Because I am too lazy to use products or style it, I needed someone who could give me a true wash and wear cut, which wasn't easy with my stick straight mane.

So my search began for someone who understood how to work with thick, fine, straight hair. I spent an embarrassing amount of money, which I really don't have for things like this, trying to find a new stylist. Also, I walked around with crappy haircuts for close to a year.

And then, this fall, fate led me to a new salon. I called on a Saturday morning, and wonder of wonders, a stylist had just had a cancellation and could see me right away.

I loved my new haircut. She GOT my hair! It looked exactly how I wanted it to look! She understood my hair, really understood it. She even cut it dry so she could work with its quirks.

And I liked her. She was softspoken, sweet, and kind, with such a nice smile. I gave her a big tip and left feeling sure I had found my stylist for life. I was so happy that I could stop the search and settle into a nice, stable long-term hair relationship. I thought my bad haircut days were over.

Eight weeks later, I went back for my second cut -- openhearted, happy to see her, fully expecting a repeat performance. About halfway through I realized she had forgotten what she did the first time. I watched in shock as the cut progressed, trying in vain to find the right words to express what I wanted instead. I left holding back tears. Maybe I was unclear. Maybe she just couldn't do it this time for some reason.

I returned the next day, after washing it and seeing exactly how choppy and uneven it really was. I redoubled my effort to communicate very, very clearly what I wanted. I even used my hands to show her.

She apologized profusely the second she laid eyes on me, and did her best to fix it. She even took notes in her client book, so she would remember what my hair needed next time. I was comforted by that, and resigned myself to a few more months of ugly hair while it grew out.

But still, I had faith in her. She'd given me the best cut of my life, so I knew she had it in her. I told her and myself that it would take some time to establish our relationship, and I was willing to be patient with the process. Yesterday, I sat down in her chair once again.

This time, I knew my communication was crystal clear. I had spent a lot of time figuring out how to explain what I wanted, even running the explanation by my daughter to test its clarity before I went. The stylist said she understood exactly what to do.

And I'll be darned ... I walked out of there with another crappy haircut that was not at all what I wanted!!

As I got in my car, I said to myself, "I've given her enough chances. I was as clear as I know how to be, and this is not what I asked for. I won't be coming back here again."

Yet when I woke up this morning - I swear I am not making this up - I thought, But I loved that first cut so much! Maybe I wasn't clear enough. Maybe I should give her just one more chance ...

AARGH!! This truly is the way I think, for better and for worse. I see people's innocence. I see their good intentions. I wake up every morning with a clean mental slate, and hope springs eternal in my heart.

And far too often, I do not notice that sometimes, people are unable, unwilling, or un-something of following through on their good intentions.

I give a lot of chances. I give the benefit of the doubt. I try and try to find the right words, as if communication is the magic formula that will set everything right. As if any problem in the relationship is my fault, because I was simply not clear enough.

My kids have endured this quality of mine for years. It means I stay in relationships far longer than they would prefer. It means I try too hard to make things work. It means I cut a lot of slack. It means I focus too much on people's potential and not enough on their actual. It means I endeavor to call forth that greatness I see inside people, and to be fair, I am successful at times, but it's usually not very sustainable.

So every morning when I look in the mirror and see this haircut that I did not want, I can be reminded of how well that approach is working for me. Since it's probably not likely that I will turn into a cynic any time soon, I wonder what kind of checks and balances I could put into place to bring more discernment to my relationships. It will be interesting to see what develops organically from this new awareness.

ps: Oh, look at this! right after I published this, I went to read my email and this was waiting for me:

The realization that something is not as you want it to be is an important first step, but once you have identified that, the faster you are able to turn your attention in the direction of a solution, the better, because a continuing exploration of the problem will prevent you from finding the solution. The problem is a different vibrational frequency than the solution—and all thoughts (or vibrations) are affected by (or managed by) the Law of Attraction.

--- Abraham

So, right then, what do I want instead? I want to open my eyes all the way, to see both the potential and the actual. I want to continue to see with kindness, and I want to exercise more discernment, and take more time before getting deeply involved in or committed to a relationship. That'll do for starters.

conversation encouragers and discouragers

I woke up this morning knowing with crystal clarity that I did not feel good about yesterday's post. I don't want to endorse or perpetuate the application of a label as strong as 'abuse' in regard to the failure to acknowledge and respect someone's right to feel how they feel, because it may simply stem from ignorance rather than malintent. So I took that post down and revised it significantly. Here's version 2.0:

In the process of googling something else, I stumbled upon a list of rather commonly used expressions that may come across as invalidating of someone's right to feel how they feel.

No doubt many people who say this type of thing have good intentions, while other people may be in so much pain or confusion that they do actually intend to shut people down.

Since most of us here want our children, mates, and friends talk to us about their thoughts and feelings, I thought it might be helpful to know that even well-intentioned words can shut down the flow of communication.

If you want folks to keep talking to you, try responding with statements that express your understanding of what they just said (empathy and reflection), or your willingness to hear more, rather than trying to shift their perspective or hand them a solution.

Here are some examples of conversation encouragers:

Wow, that sounds tough.
How is that for you?
What's your take on that?

I'm sorry you are hurting.
Sounds like you really didn't like that.
That felt really out of line to you.
Sounds like you wish that had never happened.

Mmm. Uh huh. I hear you. Ohhh.
Silent nod with eye contact.
Move closer and hug them or rub their shoulders.

Here are some examples of conversation discouragers:

Cheer up. Lighten up. Get over it.
Don't cry. Don't worry. Don't be sad.

Stop whining. Deal with it. Forget about it.
Stop complaining. Don't be so dramatic.
You are too sensitive. Don't take it so personally.

You've got it all wrong.
That is ridiculous.
I was only kidding.
That's not the way things are.

Well, I tried to help you.
You are making everyone else miserable.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?

It can't be that bad.
It's not worth getting that upset over.
You are over-reacting.

You should be excited.
You should feel thankful that ____.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.

Don't say that.
You know that isn't true.
You don't mean that.

Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?

Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.

When you are older you will understand.
You are just going through a phase.

Although I don't endorse this guy's site, I do want to give him credit for the unedited version of the second list: http://eqi.org/invalid.htm#Note%20on%20Convo%20with%20Loz

a relationship checklist

not that I believe the subtleties of love or relationship need to be reduced to a magic formula, but I when I discovered this checklist in The Tao of Negotiation: How to Resolve Conflict in All Areas of Your Life, which I found on the business shelf of my local used bookstore, it struck me as both pithy and succinct wisdom.

According to the authors, "the overriding difference between those relationships that work over a long period of time and those that don't has to do with the presence or absence of the following characteristics." I've put the explanations into my own words, so if you want to read the original version, you'll find it on page 186 of the book.


1) The Spark. That hard-to-pin-down-in-words magic called chemistry. Strong attraction with a sense of comfort and compatibility that is not easily explained by how long we have known each other, how much time we have spent together, logic, or reason. They don't mention it in the book, but I'd also include truly enjoying each other's company, and easily having fun together in this category.

2) The intention and the willingness to be aware of and process everything of significance. I think of this as open minds and open hearts. Each is actively curious about the other's experience, as well as willing to take a close look at their own individual contribution to the couple's dynamic. Honest, intimate communication about thoughts and feelings is one of the cornerstones of the relationship.

3) Commonality of purpose, values, and interests. Without this one, the relationship is not likely to be sustainable in the long term. You can have great chemistry and honest communication, but if your individual lives are not on somewhat parallel trajectories in terms of direction and purpose, it might be challenging to stay together. It can and has been been done, of course, most easily by couples who are very committed to #2 above, which would therefore mean they share intention and willingness to process as a common value, and thus they meet this criteria!

Good stuff, eh? I am looking forward to sharing this with my kids as they go forth into the world. And of course, they may still need to figure it out for themselves the hard way, just like I am still doing. :) But at least they will have these concepts in their awareness somewhere.

nobody wins the blame game

Remember that game Hot Potato? We never actually played it with potatoes when we were kids, now that I think of it. But whatever object we had available at the time, we would pretend it was too hot to handle, and throw it up in the air trying to keep it out of our own hands by either keeping it in the air or sending it in the direction of the other guy so he had to catch it.

That's the image that came to me when I was pondering blame this morning. Blame is just like a hot potato -- no one wants to keep it in their own hands, and people don't really appreciate when you throw it in their direction in an attempt to make them catch it so you don't get burned yourself.

When you play this Blame Game, there's no winner. Even if you aren't the one who ends up getting burned, you lose the respect and admiration of the one who did, and the relationship suffers.

This is why, when I provide consultations about relationship issues, I often recommend letting the blame potato cool before initiating a conversation. When blame is hot, all we can think of is getting rid of it. And all the other guy can think of when he sees us coming is running away!

When the potato cools, we can each examine it more closely, and therefore we are more likely to take responsibility for our own contribution to the dynamic.

Next time you want to resolve a conflict, don't approach the other guy with a hot potato in your hand! Let it cool first. Vent emotional steam with a friend who is not involved. Journal or exercise or yell in your car.

When the potato is be cool enough for you to hold in your own hand without pain as you carry it to the table, then you are ready to initiate a productive conversation.

harassed into clarity

thanks to The Vortex: Where the Law of Attraction Assembles All Cooperative Relationships, I have a new way to look at my favorite critics and cynics:

They show me what I do not want.

My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to use that information to increase my clarity about what I do want, keep my attention focused there, and see what happens.

from p. 231:

Don't ask the person or people who helped you define what you want to become what you want so that you can have what you want.

and p. 232:

And if the others could speak it like it really is, they'd say, "Hey, it's not my job to be everything you want. It was my job to harass you into clarity about what you want. And now that you're clear about what you want, can't you see I'm not it? Don't try to make me be it. Focus upon what you want and let that come to you, and leave me alone!"

Seems to me this works for any type of relationship -- with friends, lovers, homes, jobs, pets, and even cars. Some people, things, or situations pass through our lives to harass us into clarity -- to play the role of a catalyst, and then to release us to find what we desire elsewhere.

And sometimes it turns out that our newfound clarity matches up with what that person, thing, or situation wants to become. We realize we want a red car, and our Honda needs a paint job anyway. We realize we prefer a shorter commute, and a new branch opens up closer to home. We realize we'd rather kiss a nonsmoker, and he decides he is ready to quit.

When that happens, we can stay together awhile longer and enjoy our mutual expansion. But either way -- with or without the catalyst -- we are compelled to move ahead toward what we want once we have identified it. There's no going back.

standing tall

my inner landscape is changing so fast that I hardly recognize it compared to 24 hours ago.

but before I tell you about that, I first want to extend a heartfelt thank you to everyone who has reached out to me. I feel so incredibly blessed by your love and support, and I want you to know that the time and effort you put into connecting with me matters, and is very much appreciated.

A lot has happened since yesterday! I was super inspired by a story one of my above-mentioned supporters shared with me. Here's my take on it. Her magnificent words are in italics:

She also has a friend who is openly critical of her, and accuses her of being in denial. And after her friend witnessed the dynamic she has been so critical of in a new context, she not only retracted her criticism, but actually expressed appreciation for my friend's approach.

... and after she shared her new perspective with me, I did not even feel that it mattered that much. It just made me realize how arbitrary and relative everything is.

All that happened was that her friend had a new experience, and her whole perspective shifted. So her original opinion, which she was so confident about as to accuse my friend of being in denial because she did not agree with it, was based only on what she had seen, experienced, and processed up to that point. And as such,

it was only ever one perspective in a universe of infinite possible perspectives. So harmless, really...

The whole thing feels like one big DUH, doesn't it? It's so obvious that there's no rational reason to ever let someone's opinion trigger me. But it happens anyway. Hey Karen, welcome to the human race. :)

The other exciting development is an extension of my body awareness experiment. I've known I have some postural issues for some time, and have experienced useful insights from Hellerwork, the Alexander Technique, and Pilates. I ordered The New Rules of Posture by Mary Bond from Amazon over a year ago, feeling a strong intuition that it would also be helpful, but hadn't felt any compulsion to actually read it since it arrived.

Well, it called to me from the bookshelf yesterday. And as it turns out, it is basically a body awareness primer! I am completely enthralled with what I am learning. It's chock full of experiments to help you become aware of your body dynamics. I am still stunned that simply feeling and releasing just one teeny tiny muscle can trigger the realignment of my entire spine.

So actually, it's not just my inner landscape that is changing. The way I look and move is changing as well. Even after just one day of playing with these little postural shifts, I feel much stronger, and much more supported and stable from the inside. I don't need to lean back on chairs as much. I don't get as tired while standing and walking. My body feels more actively engaged than passively relaxed.

It's hard to miss the obvious parallel between what is happening physically and my emotional journey. Because as I learn to support myself more and more internally, the people around me can be as critical and unsupportive as they want, and I will remain capable of standing tall in myself, or of peacefully walking away. I'm very psyched.

Here's a link to the website, which has some good reading on it. I'm really enjoying the blog there. http://www.newrulesofposture.com/

nailing it

You've probably heard the saying When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. A variation of that was running through my head all night: When you feel like a nail, everything looks like a hammer.

what seems obvious in the morning light is that some part of me must think I have to be perfect, and is expecting me to figure out how to make everyone like me, including hammers who will never like me no matter how hard I try, as well as nails who will accuse me of being a hammer no matter what I do.

This feels like a Zen koan. I don't think I can solve it in the world of hammers and nails. I have to go deeper within and unplug myself from this need to be liked. Maybe then I can get busy doing something more interesting with my time and energy than trying to convince hammers that I am not a nail, and nails that I am not a hammer.

innocence lost

this post might make no sense whatsoever. I'm raw and teary, and facing one of my demons down. It might defeat me tonight, but if it does, no doubt I'll get the chance to battle it again some other day.

This pain feels old and deep. It has been triggered only a handful of times in my life that I can recall. It's hard to put into words. It involves people misunderstanding my intentions.

The first time I remember feeling this sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach, I was working in a hospital's day care center. An elderly volunteer showed up on a day that wasn't her usual day, and I greeted her with a surprised, "Mary! What are you doing here today?"

She turned around, marched straight into my supervisor's office, and shut the door. I was mystified. An hour or so later, my supervisor called me in and handed me Mary's letter of resignation. I felt like I had been hit from behind with a two by four. I was devastated by the misunderstanding.

I wrote Mary a letter of apology begging her forgiveness. I offered to quit if she would stay. She had logged over thirty years of volunteer service at the hospital, but there were no concessions that I could make that would convince her to stay on board. The tears are pouring down my face as I remember this today, over twenty years later.

I think it's the helplessness that hurts the most. I truly meant her no harm. I am simply not good at anticipating multiple potential interpretations before I speak and wordsmithing to avoid the worst of them. I just say what I think, and it does not occur to me that people might take it any other way than the way I meant it. It's a rather huge blind spot, yes? Sometimes I think I should just hole up here at home and avoid any real time interactions.

Anyway, what further mystifies me is when people refuse to allow me to clarify. Mary had decided that I didn't want her there, and was not at all interested in hearing what I was actually thinking, either back when I had spoken those words, or in the moment I realized what had happened.

So I know of at least a few people -- Mary, and some others who shall not be named -- who are walking around thinking I am a mean person. Oh, plus there's that buff guy at the grocery store a few weeks ago who had his shirt unbuttoned almost to his waist.

My daughter and I walked by him at exactly the moment that I said, dripping with sarcasm as part of a joke I was telling her, "Yeah ... that's attractive." My daughter told me after we left the store that he froze and looked at me as if I was the rudest person on the planet. I hadn't even noticed him there because I was so busy cracking myself up. I was horrified, but tracking him down to try to straighten that mess out would only have made it worse. So add him to the list, too.

hmm, interesting. Byron Katie's voice just popped into my head, saying, "What you think about me is none of my business." But what I think of myself is definitely my business. And as sad as these misunderstandings are for me, I have to let them go once I've done all I can to set things straight. Certain people believe I am mean. Who am I to argue with them?

geez, that's a tough one for me to just let go of. But what else can I really do? This is a benevolent universe, so I must be playing a necessary role in their lives. I can't change their projection, and really, that's all I am for anyone anyway - a character in the movie they are producing of their lives. Who am I to argue with the script they wrote for me? They have made a mask of my face to speak the lines they've written for my character, so the real me is free to mosey on outta their movie any time I wish. They already have what they need from me.

If people treat themselves with unconditional acceptance, they probably think I am doing the same thing. If people attack themselves, they probably think I am doing the same thing. It's the only way they CAN interpret my intentions.

It's not my business. There's nothing I can do about it.

And I'll be honest ... I still don't like it. But it's late. Time to put my demons and myself to bed.

oh yeah ...

... I keep forgetting that it's not about figuring out what to say; it's really much simpler than that.

Mental processing and searching for the right words are two of my default strategies to try to open my heart again, which for some reason seems prone to closing when I hear stuff that feels negative, prejudicial, or critical.

And sometimes these strategies do work for me. But other times, they take me further into closure if I pursue them with tunnel vision and forget that there are lots of other ways to open my heart that don't involve talking or anyone else's presence or cooperation. For example: taking a walk, washing dishes, gardening, or reading something inspiring.

My reminder was gracefully delivered to me this morning. A neighborhood cat who usually loves to be petted has recently begun periodically hissing and striking out at people. I watched as my friend reached his hand out to her even though he had no idea whether she would snuggle up or lash out this time.

As he leaned over, he said to me, "She can't help it. She's been outside a long time, and she's gotten defensive. She's declawed." That's an open heart talking. No anger or defensiveness, no clever comeback, no agenda to help that cat see things from a new perspective, no taking her behavior personally. Just compassion, acceptance and forgiveness. It was beautiful to witness.

I see animals call forth that kind of love from people all the time, which is why I think it would be cool if we could find a way to have pets in schools, prisons, hospitals, and nursing homes. Love like that heals the one who gives it. Opening the heart is very good medicine.

So while I do like having my list of twenty things, and I am enjoying my newfound curiosity about what each situation will give birth to, I am also grateful for the reminder that there's really only one problem that ever needs to be solved. Because until my heart is open again, the words really don't matter.

breaking it down

Regular readers have probably noticed me chewing on something big lately, trying to break it down into something I can digest and absorb: How to respond to friends who declare that these are terrible times and that everything around us is simply wrong to its very core -- our government, global warming, international relations, human rights abuses, and whatnot -- and who furthermore insist that if I don't agree I am in denial.

This accusation of being in denial, I just in this moment realized, judges me as wrong to the very core, as well. Hmmm. No wonder I feel defensive at times! I don't expect this kind of an attack from a friend who I have welcomed into my personal sanctuary.

On the other hand, if they can see only wrongness in the world, then of course it makes sense that they would see me as wrong, too. Gee ... I gotta ponder the implications of that for a while. It would seem that it's not actually a personal attack, but rather the only possible way they can perceive me given the lens they are looking through.

Anyway, the responses that I've tried thus far often leave me feeling crappy. If I agree, I feel dishonest, because I don't really see things that way. If I disagree, I feel rude or defensive, which also diminishes me. If I say nothing, the conversation stops, and I feel disconnected. If I change the subject, I feel dismissive, and I don't like that either. So my dilemma has been how to respond in a way that is genuine and respectful of both parties.

Good ol' reflective listening seems like a great option (Sounds like you think things are pretty bleak right now.) But here's what I've noticed about that: it often leads to further ranting on their part. Which is fine if they are strangers, or people I don't spend much time with. But to be painfully honest, that kind of conversation doesn't sustain my interest for very long. My attention soon wanders in search of something more interesting. Which brings me back to feeling rude and disconnected from someone I care about. See the problem?

In all fairness, one of my options is to reduce the amount of time I spend with these friends. I was hoping it wouldn't come to that, and have been working hard to figure out other solutions, but that one is still on the table, too. Although doing that feels like a wimpy cop out somehow. I want to be more creative than that.

I love passionate discourse, and to me, generalizations are jails of limitation that must be broken out of. I just HAVE to point out the exceptions! Tell me that the CEO's of big companies are only out to make themselves rich, and I want to tell you about the Gates Foundation. Tell me that Republicans are attacking Obama to further their self-serving agenda, and I want to introduce you to my friend's dyed-in-the-wool Republican brother who voted for him.

In fact, make any statement about a group rather than an individual you know personally, and my mental wheels begin spinning furiously. There are no Democrats, Republicans, immigrants, CEO's or single mothers in my world. There are only individuals with complex and unique combinations of associations. Stereotypes and group identities are meaningless to me.

And furthermore (now look who is ranting!!) I don't even want to hear your assumptions about the motives of individuals you know personally. Just tell me about you -- your experiences, dreams, thoughts, feelings, and responses to people and events.

In my defense, (here I go defending myself again ...) several very successful models of psychology have been built on this foundational understanding. Breaking free from generalizations and assumptions is super helpful for people who are seeking to increase their awareness and joy. (Think cognitive psychology, NLP, the Meta Model, etc.)

And yes, I do need to learn to shut the F up unless I have been asked to help others break free of their mental chains, and get busy breaking my own. Been working on that for many years, with a modest amount of success, actually. But still, I ain't no Mother Teresa.

I just can't get it through my thick skull that anyone would intentionally choose to stay stuck in the ick, or want to lump magnificently unique individuals into groups and make negative assumptions about the motives of all of them. But there are plenty of theories out there about that, and I have much to learn.

So anyway, I was pleased when I woke up this morning and discovered that a brand spanking new response had sprouted overnight: I wonder what this situation will give birth to?

I find this especially delicious because it works on multiple levels. The situation they are complaining about will certainly give rise to something new, as will our interaction about it.

The discomfort I felt last night after a conversation gone bad gave birth to this idea and this post. Repressive governments incubate reform. Injustice cries out for justice. Recessions fuel the collective desire for an economy that provides sustainably for all. Social problems stimulate innovation and intervention.

It all balances out in the end, if we can take a broad enough perspective to see it. Wherever attention is focused, change naturally follows. So by becoming curious about what the situation will give birth to, I can turn my attention to solutions rather than problems, and invite the conversation to move in a direction that fascinates me. Because I genuinely am interested in hearing about what kind of changes people would like to see.

I'll let you know how it goes ...

she didn't buy it

seems like this whole 'it's not about me' concept has hit the mainstream.
check out this fascinating article from the New York Times:

But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?em=&adxnnl=1&pagewanted=1&adxnnlx=1249449895-bLZj3G2ZXOAjaEx3tl73GQ

free from approval

When you feel free, you're free to be who you want to be under any and all conditions, and you really don't worry about what anybody else thinks about it, because you know that what they think about you is their problem. It has nothing to do with you.


And when you really feel that way, you become in the greatest place that we know of, which is in the place of allowing -- and you know you are in the place of allowing when you can see another not approving of you and it is okay with you.



~Abraham-Hicks


This was the random Abe quote that greeted me when I logged on to my computer this morning. Felt timely given what I'm working on at the moment: how to respond to advice/disapproval/judgment in ways that feel good to me. I do love me a good synchronicity, and I seem to be bathing in them lately.

Byron Katie also says something along these lines: What you think of me is none of my business. It's not exactly easy to undo years of being socialized to give credence to the opinions of others. I am still playing out that habitual dynamic every time I feel compelled to either accept or reject what someone says to me.


I'm obviously not yet free, or I wouldn't need to give an ounce of energy to my response at all. My list is just a baby step, but at least I feel some movement in the direction I want to go. One day I won't need it anymore. But for today, it feels better to have it.


And when I do manage to remember, even just for a moment, that it's not about me but rather simply an expression of what is important to them, I must say that the freedom and peace are quite wonderful.

random thoughts after a disagreement

I never really learned how to argue. To the best of my recollection, which we already know is quite spotty, my dad was a pretty confident guy. Some might even say he was rather bullheaded. There was just no arguing with him. He was sure that he was right, and therefore anyone who disagreed with him was wrong, so he saw no reason to waste his time listening, negotiating, or exchanging ideas. He simply had no interest in budging from his original contention. He was not, as my friend Adelle puts it, "open at the top."

My mom seemed to know better than to attempt to convince him to see things from a different perspective. I do recall her dissolving into tears of frustration during dinner a few times, but I don't remember witnessing any outright conflict between them. If they did argue, it did not happen in front of me. So I didn't absorb any useful fightin' skills at home. No negotiation skills, either. No biggie. I learned plenty of other useful stuff at home, for which I am very grateful.

As an adult, my community of friends has always been mostly comprised of people with a similar outlook and perspective on life to mine. Which I really like, because we don't need to invest time and energy into finding common ground, so we can get busy right away playfully expanding and creating together.

So up until recently, I haven't really needed to learn how to argue or communicate disagreement. But these days, there's someone in my life who I care about very much who doesn't see the world the way I do. And after a recent unsuccessful attempt to get him to acknowledge that there could possibly be more than one valid perspective, I felt the urgent need to re-center myself.

So I hiked out to my thinkin' rock at sunrise this morning. Steadfast in my determination to take full responsibility for my contribution to our dynamic, I audited what I could remember of our conversation, trying to figure out where and how the connection broke down.

I had a few ah-ha realizations. (My thinkin' rock never lets me down.)

I now suspect that he, kinda like my dad, was not interested in changing his mind or hearing my perspective at that moment. He just wanted me to hear his. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's only human to seek acknowledgment and attention. I really like being heard, too.

The problem was that I erroneously assumed that since he had shared his opinion with me, it meant he was open to hearing mine as well. I assumed he was starting a conversation. And to be completely honest, I pretty much always assume that my friends want to hear what I have to say. Which is arrogant, perhaps, but habitual nonetheless. It's a growing edge for me. I'm a work in progress.

In any case, we all know how risky it is to ass-u-me, right?

Had it occurred to me that he just wanted me to listen, I might have responded very differently. Instead of treating it as an invitation for an exchange of ideas, I could have received it as a one way delivery. Which quickly leads me to the realization that my pool of responses to unsolicited advice, opinions, or information is woefully inadequate. I'm not accustomed to accepting one way deliveries from anyone except my dad, and he's been dead for years. So I made myself a list of good-feelin' ways to respond to such comments, which I typed up below and in another post called twenty responses to unsolicited advice.

The triggering comment is often something that I consider to be an opinion but he considers to be a fact. For example, while I am enjoying a cookie he might say Too much sugar causes diabetes. I happen to believe that there are multiple causative factors beneath illnesses, including thoughts, beliefs, and expectations. Instead of explaining that I don't believe it's that simple, and trying to launch a discussion about the many potential non-physical root causes of disease, I might try saying something from my list:

I'd be curious to hear about your personal experience with that concept.

Thank you, and I'm gonna change the subject now.

Thank you, and I will give that some thought.

I agree that it may be one of the contributing factors.

I am sure that is indeed one piece of a rather complicated puzzle.

That's probably true in some cases.

I know you are really passionate about nutrition.

I appreciate that you want to share what you learn with me.

I don't know what to say to that.

Wow.

That's one way to look at it.

Could be.

Well, as you know I have an unconventional opinion about that.

We may need to agree to disagree on that point.

Hopefully you can respect my right to take a different perspective.

That interpretation does not resonate with me, but thanks for sharing it.

Thanks, and if I want to hear more about that, I'll be sure to ask you.

Is this something you want to discuss, or did you just want to let me know your thoughts?

I can't tell you what a relief it is to have this list! I think I might actually print it out and post it on my fridge. It's like I am learning a foreign language or something. It might take a while before it feels natural, and I'm sure some of these will feel better than others, but I am looking forward to experimenting with it.

As I proofread this post, it occurred to me that many of these statements still make the assumption that the other party is interested in my opinion, including whether I agree or disagree, which may or may not be true.

These options are an improvement over trying to convince them that there's validity in other perspectives, but are still not as clean as a pure reflection like, "You believe that sugar is damaging to the body," which keeps my opinion neatly out of the conversation. That kind of response is certainly worth experimenting with, too. Like I said, it's a work in progress.

Although realistically, it's probably not a sustainable friendship if it consists solely of one way deliveries and there's never any real desire to hear about my perspective. Hmmm, that sounds like fodder for my next visit to my thinkin' rock ...

communication does not equal conversation

I think perhaps many of us have a little bit of a blind spot when it comes to communication these days. Communication is not actually the exact same thing as conversation. Instead, conversation is one of many possible ways to communicate.

Today I overheard a woman saying, "I shouldn't have to make assumptions. He should just tell me how he feels!"

I wanted to interject, but it was none of my business. I imagined handing her a copy of The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
and saying, But maybe he IS telling you how he feels! What does he say with his eyes, his touch, and his actions? There's more than one way to let someone know you care!

I hear women declaring to each other with righteous conviction: If he doesn't say it, he doesn't care. And of course, sometimes, it's true! But before you release him back into the wild simply because he's not showering you with verbal affection, consider that words may not be his primary mode of expression. If you love him, a little experimentation may salvage the relationship.

I invite every woman who has been Scrabble scoring her man's verbal output (and finding it lacking) to figuratively plug her ears with cotton for a few days, and to rely upon her other senses to receive communication instead.

Smell those ribs cooking on the grill? He put that extra spicy sauce on half of them because you like them better that way.

See his muddy shoes at the door? When he lived alone he would have worn them into the house.

Feel his strong hands massaging your shoulders? He noticed you were tense and wanted to help you feel better.

Why does he do all this? Maybe it's because he cares about you.

I don't mean to diminish the value of words. If they are your primary love language, you'll probably prefer a mate who speaks affectionately to you often.

But some women find that when they open up their other senses, words are not as important as they previously thought. You may discover that there are plenty of other very satisfying ways to express love, affection, and appreciation. Sometimes, once these other channels have opened, words even become pale in comparison...

a sweet story for mother's day

have some tissues handy ... it's about a Boulder woman who offers to give birth to her best friend's baby. My eyes still well up every time I think about it.

http://www.boulderweekly.com/20090507/coverstory.html

the dangers of disapproval

Here are some examples of the kind of disapproval I'm talking about today:

I am so disappointed in you.

You could have done better than that.

I expected more from you.

You should know better.

You didn't even try.

What's the matter with you?

How could you?

This might sound radical, but I propose that disapproval does much more harm to the one who issues it than the target.

Why? If we look underneath the urge to express disapproval, we find the intention to shame, harm, or control the target in some way, in the hope that we ourselves will feel better.

At first blush, we may deny this. We may say we are acting out of concern for the well being of the other person. But if we sit with it a while, and really look inside, we may find less altruistic motives underneath this. What have we truly accomplished by "contributing to the well being of others"? We feel worthy, valuable, and helpful. It's all about us. We want to feel like good people. No crime there.

But shaming or manipulating others into doing what makes us feel good is a short term solution at best. Our contentment is doomed to unravel as soon as the other person's autonomy wakes up again.

Using disapproval to control someone else's behavior hurts us. Before we can judge another, those standards and expectations must pass through our own systems, and they leave behind residual standards that we ourselves cannot meet all the time. When we measure ourselves with the same yardstick that we use to measure others, we will inevitably come up short at some point. We are only human, after all. We have bad days and bad moods; our thinking gets muddled up sometimes.

Disapproval also disempowers us by perpetuating the illusion that we can't feel better until something or someone 'out there' changes. It hands control of our inner experience to another, and says "You are responsible for my feelings. I can't feel better until you change." That's a lie. There are lots of ways to feel better that have nothing to do with anyone else.

Plus, disapproval sets up a dynamic of separation from each other. It's fundamentally disconnecting. We must distance someone in order to judge them ... must believe that they are different from us. That kind of separation hurts, every time. Understanding heals. Compassion connects.

Disapproval also steps on our buzz. Can't feel disapproval and joy at the same time. They are on different channels. Personally, I prefer to stay tuned to the fun stuff.

Oh, and did I mention that disapproval doesn't even work? Research has shown that the most effective way to support change is to express understanding of the inner conflict underlying the choice of behavior: You really planned on skipping dessert tonight, but when they brought out that birthday cake, you thought it would be rude to refuse a piece. Or You didn't want to hit your baby brother, but you felt so frustrated that he wasn't listening to your words that you couldn't think of any other way to tell him to back off.

When people feel that their conflicting good intentions are acknowledged in this way, a safe space opens up for them to examine other options. They may ask themselves What can I do differently if that happens again? They may even ask for your help or input. I'll write more about this in another post.

So what's an alternative to expressing disapproval? Accept people as they are, accept circumstances and events as they happen, and then make a choice about how you will relate to them. You may choose to walk away. You may express empathy for their conflicting good intentions. You may communicate your opinion or preference. You may simply love yourself and say nothing.

And realize that unless you can do those things with an open heart, while feeling love and acceptance of both yourself and the other person, it's the equivalent of drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

What if you happen to be the target of someone's disapproval? No big deal. Treat it as information to investigate internally. Am I drinking too much? Was I listening? Am I in someone else's business? Did I eat more than I was hungry for? Do I have trouble saying no?

There are no right or wrong answers. The point is just to use their input to increase your self-awareness. Having done so, you can then interact with the disapproval from a different place -- not defensively, not with a counter attack in which you point out the other person's failings -- but with gratitude. Thanks for sharing your opinion with me! I'll check that out and see what resonates with me. I'm grateful to know more about what is important to you.

Then let it go. No need to let someone else's control issues clutter up your day!

blogotherapy

My psyche must have been busy on the dream plane last night, because a head-smacking realization catapulted me out of bed pretty early this morning.

Only a tiny fraction of what I've been calling grief is actually sadness. It's mostly regret, self-blame, and doubt.

My mantra lately has been this is not about him. This morning, I finally know what it IS about: My soul is divided. I am at war with myself, waging an inner debate about the choice I made to end this relationship. To take Abraham Lincoln's A house divided cannot stand one step farther: A soul divided cannot move forward.

I see my overall identity as put together like a puzzle. Each piece is a subpersonality; there's a critic, a nurturer, a narrator, a mystic, a dreamer, and many more. Unlike Sybil, the famous multiple personality, my pieces fit together very snugly. They communicate and work together as a functional whole most of the time. But sort of like nations that share a border, sometimes there are squabbles.

My father died of cancer when I was very young. He had been in remission, and his death was quite sudden and unexpected. It's becoming clear that one of my subpersonalities is still back in that experience, asking, "Where's my daddy? I want him to hold me!"

Another is saying, with the developmentally appropriate perception of a three year old who thinks the entire world revolves around her, "It's my fault that he is gone. If I had been a 'good girl', he'd still be here."

Yet another is a bit older, living with a stepfather who loved me and had a lot of wonderful qualities, but was not physically affectionate or demonstrative with me.

So it's starting to make sense why I am having trouble letting go and moving on, and why I cried when my craniosacral therapist cradled my head yesterday. Parts of me are still diligently trying to procure the masculine attention, affection, and contact that I did not receive from my father.

Understandably, those subpersonalities simply cannot comprehend why I would intentionally walk away from a very good source of the nutrients they are so hungry for. So they have more or less seceded from the Union of Me, and are waging a civil war against the parts of me that knew that this relationship was not working for me in other important ways.

This awareness is a huge relief to me. Now that I know that I have a few stragglers who have separated from the rest of the puzzle, I can invite them to come back home by listening to their concerns with compassion, thanking them for their efforts on my behalf, and assuring them that we will indeed find healthy ways to satisfy their needs that work for all of the parts, not just a few.

In fact, simply because I have become aware of what has been going on, something important has already started shifting. My soul feels more integrated already. Thank goodness! It's about time for a change.

ps: I hope it's clear that I don't think my dad or anyone else is at fault here. We all have life experiences that shape us in one way or another, and we all have the freedom to re-shape ourselves as we wish. I have no doubt that my soul signed up for these early circumstances.

regrets

hit a bit of a rough patch this afternoon. the Why Couldn't I's have landed.

Why couldn't I just have waited to have that conversation until I wasn't so triggered ... Why couldn't I have kept quiet and let it go ... Why couldn't I have trusted more ... worked on my own stuff more diligently ... tried harder ... been more patient ... dug a little deeper ... hung in there a while longer... figured out some other way to work this out.

A lot of second guessing. A lot of wishing I could have done better.

And right alongside that stuff is the quiet awareness that if I could have, I would have. And even if I did, it might not have made any difference in the outcome.

Yesterday I noticed my ego unsuccessfully trying to blame him.

Today I was not as quick to note that it had succeeded in blaming me.

***
At least this has opened up some new territory for my Wish Book. Tonight I'll be writing about how I want to feel after ending a relationship. I'll describe how I will talk to myself, soothe myself, and forgive myself. Up until now I have written primarily about external details (such as the morning sun). This time, the focus will be completely internal.

digging

Thanks for all the kind words and wishes you have sent my way. I am quite surprised to find that this grieving experience is not at all like any from my past. Pleasantly surprised, actually.

Maybe I finally have learned enough energetic healing techniques to ease my own way. Or maybe there is some other kind of grace beneath the equanimity and acceptance I am feeling. My friends have certainly been amazing.

Whatever the reason, I am processing the loss quickly, without closing my heart. I am feeling tender, but not bruised ... grateful more than sad ... hopeful more than forlorn.

I can feel my ego trying to play the blame game, like it thinks that if I get mad, I'll get over it faster. But it just can't quite locate that groove anymore, and I end up smiling about it. He's a great guy. I love him still. Our relationship simply came to completion. There's no place for any blame to stick.

I think I will be ready to make some entries in my Wish Book tonight. I want to record the essence of all that was good about us together while it is still fresh, to make sure I never settle for less than that magic ever again.

And my musical connection to the Universe remains blissfully strong. Check out this song by Incubus that was on my car radio just now. The lyrics are below it:





We all have a weakness,
but some of ours are easy to identify,
look me in the eye,
and ask for forgiveness,
we'll make a pact to never speak that word again,
yes, you are my friend.

We all have something
that digs at us,
at least we dig each other.
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday.

If I turn into another
dig me up from under what
is covering the better part of me.
Sing this song
remind me that we'll always have
each other when everything else is gone.

We all have a sickness
that cleverly attaches and multiplies
no matter how we try.
We all have someone that digs at us,
at least we dig each other.

So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine.
If I turn into another,
dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.

Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone.

Oh, each other when everything else is gone.
Oooh
(15x)

If I turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering
the better part of me.
Sing this song
remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone.

Oh, each other
when everything else is gone.

regarding relationship

No matter how intensely intertwined you find yourself with another person, your relationship is affected many times more by the thoughts that are moving around in your own mind than by the other person who is moving around in your house or in your life experience.


That is why it is so interesting to us to see people working so hard at controlling one another while working very little on controlling their own thoughts and perceptions -- especially since they have no real control over another and they do have complete control of their own thoughts and perceptions.

~ Abraham-Hicks


I gotta be honest ... for me, sometimes it just seems so much easier to try to control someone else than to control my own thoughts and perceptions. Historically, I think I've had better luck doing it that way.

At least sometimes people appear to respond to my cool reasoning, passionate point-making, or beseeching requests. Unfortunately, my own thoughts and perceptions seem immune to such tactics; often maintaining their original trajectory until I go to sleep or distract them in some other way.

Besides, it's kinda rewarding to successfully influence people. When I actually do manage to get someone else to do what I want, I usually feel pretty satisfied for a while. But it's sort of a false and fragile sense of gratification, built like a house of cards. One little breeze of self-determination on the part of the other person; one hint of an idea that maybe they'd prefer to do something other than what I want, and my conditional contentment comes crashing down.

So I'm working on this. When I feel unhappy, I try to remember to take a look at myself first, to see what I am thinking or perceiving that could be creating my discomfort.

And lots of times, instead of doing that, I just try to get the other guy to change whatever he or she is doing. I only remember to take a look inside myself after that initiative is not successful.

Oh well. I'm okay with it. Constructing a strong foundation of internal mastery takes some time. No doubt there will be plenty of opportunities to try again.

the dangers of diagnosing intention

Today a kid in one of my daughter's classes asked the teacher to help him understand a homework problem. The teacher refused, saying, "Why should I help you when you don't even care enough to remember to bring your book to class?" (No wonder so many kids hate school!)

This teacher diagnosed his student's intention, and then responded based upon his unverified assumption, effectively shutting down all further communication. (Also, might I add, shutting down an opportunity for learning!)

Parents do the same thing to their kids when they say things like:

You just want attention.
You think you can have everything your way.
You are trying to get out of taking responsibility.

And adults do it to each other as well:

If I was important to you, you would pick me up at the airport.
If he really wanted this to work out, he wouldn't have walked away.
She's trying to go behind my back.

Could there be any reason other than 'not caring' when a student forgets his book? I can think of a whole bunch of possibilities. Maybe his parents were arguing this morning and he was so stressed out about the thought that they could get divorced that he left without his backpack.

Maybe he was up all night caring for a sick little sister and barely woke up in time to dash for the bus.

Maybe he works the late shift so he can contribute financially to his family.

And yes, maybe he really doesn't care, but then why was he asking his teacher for help understanding a homework problem?

What actually led to the forgotten book really doesn't matter, though. What concerns me is that when we spend time and energy trying to diagnose someone else's motivation or intention, we are tethering our attention to the past, and missing the opportunity to deal with the situation that is in front of us right now.

If you just gotta diagnose intention, then see if you can come up with something that gives the other person the benefit of the doubt. You'll feel much better, and are more likely to preserve the relationship that way.

But even better would be to deal with what is happening right now. The teacher above might have said, "I'll need to refer to the textbook to help you understand this, and I see you don't have one. What can we do about that?" My daughter was right next to him, and would happily have shared her book. Besides, she also needed help with that problem!

The dangers of diagnosing intention are many. The temporary satisfaction of 'feeling justified and right' comes at the expense of connection, communication, and clarity.

The Work of Byron Katie includes an elegant question that can disrupt this cycle. If you notice you have diagnosed someone's intention, ask yourself, "Can I absolutely know that is true?" If you are honest, the answer will almost always be NO. This awareness makes it easier to focus your attention on finding a solution in the present moment instead.

we do well when we can.

We really do.

If I could have said it better right then, I would have.

If I could have paused and reflected before acting, I would have.

If I could have done more, I would have.

Whatever I did was the very best I was capable of at that moment.

You too. Our kids, too.

Know the empty boat story? I think it's Zen. Maybe Taoist. I get those confused. Anyway, here's my version:

This dude is sitting in a boat on a foggy lake, fishing. Through the mist, he sees what appears to be another boat heading in his direction.

He calls out, "Hey, watch out. You are going to run into my boat."

The boat keeps coming.

He cries out with more volume and intensity, "HEY!! WATCH OUT!! YOU ARE GOING TO RUN INTO MY BOAT!!"

The incoming boat remains set on a collision course.

He hollers frantically, "YOU IDIOT!! STEER YOUR FRIGGIN' BOAT!!!"

CRASH!

Now that the boat has run into him, and the mist no longer obscures his vision, he peers fiercely into it to see who will be the recipient of his angry tirade.

It's empty.

The anger instantly dissolves into laughter. How sheepish and ridiculous it feels to yell at an empty boat!

We are all empty boats. If we could steer better, we would. Sometimes, for reasons that have nothing to do with each other, we just can't. This is part and parcel of the human condition.

So rather than yelling at an empty boat -- letting our anger about their incompetence or arrogance or blatant disregard for us blind us -- we can instead take responsibility for our own safety by moving our own boat out of the way.

That doesn't mean we abandon the job or relationship or apartment, just that we take control over our whereabouts, our attention, and our options in this moment. We respond to things as they are, not as we wish they would be. We do what we can to take care of ourselves, moment to moment, rather than handing that responsibility to an empty boat.

questions that aren't

(just posted this on www.advice-for-parents.com, but I think it may be useful for more than just parent/child relationships ... )

Are you wearing THAT?
Do you really want to do that?
Are you aware of how that looks?
You don't really feel that way, do you?
Why are you doing that?

Feel kinda slimed as you read these? Me, too.

That's because these are not really requests for information or clarification -- they are actually thinly disguised criticisms. The underlying message seeps out between the lines: I disapprove of your choice. Now I want you to justify it to me so I can show you how wrong you are.

Whoever is asking these questions has already decided that the clothing, behavior, or decision in question is wrong, unwise, inappropriate, or ill advised. Most of us react defensively to this kind of covert attack. We're not usually eager to have an extended conversation about how stupid someone thinks we are.

Want your teen (or friend, coworker, lover) to talk to you? Try these openers instead:

I'm wondering if you might get really chilly tonight wearing a sleeveless shirt to the football game.

I see you've decided on a plan of action. Can we talk about some of my concerns?

I'm worried that the skirt you are wearing might attract sexual attention from older men. What are your thoughts about that?

I'd like to hear more about how you feel.

I'm nervous about some possible ramifications of that decision. You've probably thought about this already ... and I would feel so much better if we could chat a bit so you can reassure me that you've covered all the bases.

You'll create a much stronger relationship if you can leave disapproval out of the recipe. Assume the other party has good (but not always totally well informed) reasons for the choices she has made, and make a genuine request for her to share her perspective and reasoning with you.

Listen respectfully, and ask permission before sharing your concerns or opinions. Ask questions like, "How have you decided to handle any potential unexpected obstacles ... an injury ... car trouble ... or if someone you rode with starts drinking?" Bringing up contingencies this way respects autonomy, and introduces potential pitfalls onto the radar screen without insulting anyone.

Strive to become curious rather than critical, respectful rather than judgmental, and you will position yourself as an ally to be consulted rather than an enemy to be avoided.

love is ...

The only thing that makes you sad is lack of connection to who you are. What people call love, the feeling of love, the feeling of in love, the feeling of joy, is a feeling of no split energy - it's being in sync with the Source. So, any negative emotion you feel is not because of the loss of a person, or the loss of a friend. It's the loss of your connection, the loss of being tuned in and tapped in to who you really are.
- Abraham-Hicks

In other words, the object of our affection is not the source of the good feelings that come with being in love. The good feelings are inside us. Love IS who we are. And we feel much better when we are expressing who we are than when we are not. Congruence is satisfying!

So loving is actually a gift we give to ourselves, and the other person sort of gets the fringe benefit of our affection, attention, acceptance, etc. It's often so much easier for us to feel the flow of love in our hearts when there's someone in front of us who meets our needs and we find adorable.

And it's possible to live as Love even when that's not happening.
More about that later ...

recipe for a sweet life

My summer romance has recently come to completion, and I want to be intentional during the letting go process to make sure I have integrated the things from the relationship that I want to carry forward as well as released anything I don't wish to repeat.

So I spent a few hours hanging out on my favorite rock in the mountains today, and as soon as my mind finally stopped jumping around like a caffeinated preschooler, I was gifted with a whopper of an insight: Just don't put it in your pie!

Weird, right? Yeah, I thought so too when I first heard it on an Abraham-Hicks CD a while ago. Maybe a bit of background might help to put it into context.

Some of you have commented to me that my recent posts have been sort of fixated on the topics of judgment, criticism, and cynicism. True enough! Those are dynamics I haven't had a lot of experience dealing with in someone close to me until I became involved in this relationship.

So I would be sort of bewildered when he would say something like You shouldn't eat that before bed or You are too involved with your kids. I'm thrilled that I got to experience comments like this, though, because I learned about that little translator in my head that I wrote about before, which turned out to be really good at converting those You-Statements to I-Statements so I could decipher the loving intentions beneath them: I want you to sleep well tonight. I hope we can have some time alone soon.

Friends told me that my translator was all nice and good for now, but they didn't want me to have to use it forever. It became sort of automatic, or so I thought, so I wasn't really worried about it. Sometimes, my translator didn't work fast enough, and I'd respond defensively. I was so curious about those times that I did a lot of writing about it to try to understand and re-awaken my compassion. As you know, writing is good medicine for me.

Okay, now, back to the pie. Here's the metaphor a la Abe:

Life is like a big kitchen with millions of ingredients in the well-stocked pantry -- including flavors that some people savor and other people despise. There's sugar and salt, coconut and rhubarb, mincemeat and peaches, all right next to each other on the shelves. There's joy and anger, appreciation and cynicism, judgment and gratitude, war and peace.

We each enter into this well-stocked pantry intending to bake the pie that is our personal life experience. We add ingredients to our pie by paying attention to them. So every time I noticed his cynicism and tried to understand it, I was putting it in my pie! And I just could not understand why my pie tasted so funny, so I kept trying to add more compassion to sweeten it up.

So to me, Just don't put it in your pie means stop trying to understand it. Stop writing about it, stop thinking about it, stop trying to explain how I feel when hear it. Stop focusing on it! Just friggin' keep my eyes moving and turn my attention elsewhere.

Each person in front of me has numerous qualities I could focus on in any given moment -- some sweet, some bitter. It's not helpful to stand in the pantry looking at the rhubarb or the cynicism and think, Hey, what's that doing on the shelf? That shouldn't be here! Get that outta here. I don't want it to sour my sweet apple pie!

Just because I don't like how something tastes does not mean I have the need or the right to take it out of the pantry. To someone else, it could be a delicacy. It can't get into my pie unless I put it there, so it's okay to just let it be.

I still have a lot to learn about how to keep my attention focused only on what I want in my own pie. I keep peeking over at the mincemeat, thinking maybe I could just sneak a little bit of sugar in there and then it might not taste so bad if it happens to get into my pie.

And every time I look at it, a little bit of yucky meaty goo gets sprinkled onto my apples. But I'll get it figured out sooner or later, I'm sure. It's good that it tastes so bad, because that way, I notice it quicker.

rite n rong

Spent about an hour last night fully immersed in Abraham-Hicks quotes on the Sun Angel site, http://sun-angel.com/abraham/index.php. Must say I think the phrase Law of Attraction has been overused these days to the point that it's become cliche, but until I come up with a substitution I like better, I'll use it anyway.

Here's a bit of my surfing journey:

Everything is valid and everything is truthful, because Law of Attraction lets everything be. The question is not whether it's right or wrong, whether their approach is right or wrong, or whether my approach is right or wrong. The question is: Does their approach feel good to me? And if it doesn't, then I choose a different approach.

- Abraham-Hicks


I love this simple explanation of why truth is relative -- why what has indisputably worked for me or for you may not work at all for someone else, and why it doesn't matter anyway.

We each live in our own private universe of beliefs, hopes, dreams, and desires. No one life journey is exactly like another. We didn't start from the same place, and don't necessarily desire to travel the same path to the same "destination." So how can we truly know what is right for someone else? It can be a full time job just figuring out what works for our own selves.

Sorta reminds me of those testimonial pages on various nutritional supplement sites. This magic tea or little pill made me lose 48 lbs in only 5 weeks! And there are lots of dramatic before and after pictures to prove it. It's exciting to me to see people succeed in their endeavors, so I always get a kick out of scrolling through the photos and reading the stories.

It's also exciting to me when those pictures and stories inspire other people to leap over the mental hurdle of thinking it's not possible for them. Makes me wonder if perhaps the magic is even more in the hype than in the product itself. Could it be that to the extent that these ads manage to harness our belief in success, and bring us hope, and convince us others have indeed done what we want to do, some of our mental barriers drop away and we can progress?

As I was writing this, an email newsletter from an essential oil company whose products I love was delivered to my inbox. More testimonials! More inspiration from people who found something that helped them feel better! Woo hoo!

Except I also notice that sometimes, in my zeal to relieve what I perceive as suffering, I eagerly share my experience with someone, forgetting that it's only what has worked for me. I happen to love these oils, and a bunch of other products, and I seem to feel better when I use them. So what? That's nice for me, and may or may not be of any value to you at all!

So I've been playing a bit with this question: how can I respectfully share information based on my personal experience that could possibly be helpful to you without becoming invasive?

I have a few ideas so far. The first one came easy: Wait to share until I am asked. I might be too gregarious and enthusiastic to follow this guideline tho, so I better not rely on that alone! And what if you don't know that I have info to share, so you never ask? The concept of waiting intrigues me, however. Probably because it's so foreign to me!

The second idea was a reaction to the first: Just enjoy whatever I am doing that works for me and shut the frick up. That's actually super appealing to me, and probably not super likely, given my nature. But you never know. More and more these days I find I don't have much to say. (Except, of course, when I am writing, which feels different to me somehow because it's sort of one sided and you can just stop reading anytime, so it feels less like an imposition or something...)

The third option I borrowed from Motivational Interviewing, and it sort of combines the best of the first two while factoring in my personality. Ask permission first. Which might sound like, "Hey, you mentioned having a terrible headache today, and I found this stuff that really helps with my headaches. If you are interested in hearing about it, I'd be happy to share. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help you feel better."

That option satisfies me on lots of levels. It's respectful of your process and timetable, does not make any claim that it will work for you, and does not imply that you should feel guilty if you'd rather not hear about it, yet satisfies my desire to contribute to your well being, rather than just standing by helplessly while you are in pain.

I like having options. I think I'll try them like this: Shut the frick up and enjoy doing what works for me, while remaining warm and receptive to requests for help or information. If the request doesn't come, I'll take a few breaths to make sure I am centered and my intention is pure, then I will ask permission to share.

Sounds good. I'm looking forward to experimenting with it. Hey, will you do me a favor? If you notice me getting overzealous with you, please let me know. Sometimes it's hard to catch these things from the inside ...

gained in translation

I recently spent some time with a dear friend who moved away ten years ago. Our sons are close in age, and both of us were new mothers and new in town when we first connected at a La Leche meeting almost 17 years ago.

We used to pop our baby boys into backpacks and tote them along the Boulder Creek Path for as long as they would tolerate it while we indulged in deeply philosophical discussions. She introduced me to Alan Watts and Tom Robbins. I introduced her to Conversations with God. My interactions with her have always been rich, stimulating, and thought-provoking. She's a real treasure in my life, and she brings out the best in me. (I love you, Diana!)

Anyway, as we explored the subject of cynicism while catching up on things, I overheard myself telling her that I've recently discovered the existence of a translator in my head that can transform criticism, judgment, and complaints into simple requests for love and attention.

I can't say that I am actually making use of it full-time quite yet, but I do notice that when the translator is turned on, I feel much warmer and happier and more satisfied with my life.

Theoretically, here's how it works:

Let's say someone who hasn't yet experienced the value of communicating with I-messages tells me, "You aren't listening."

When the translator is switched off, I might listen between the words and hear, in a condescending and icy tone: "There is something wrong with you." I might respond to this kind of message with defensiveness, confusion, or withdrawal.

With the translator on, I hear a small and plaintive voice pleading: "Will you pay more attention to me?" I may be able to grant this request and I may not, but either way I don't feel defensive, and I don't feel the urge to distance myself to avoid further attack. I can remain in contact and connection.

A Course in Miracles teaches that there are only two messages ever being communicated -- love, or a request for love. One response is appropriate for both messages -- offer love. This nifty translator makes even the most cloaked or obscure requests so clear that I feel compelled to respond with compassion.

So when I happen to notice the frozen rigidity of defensiveness in my body, I take a breath and intend to activate my translator. Sometimes it comes online right away, and other times it doesn't, and that's okay. I'm just happy to know it's there, and grateful for the opportunity to practice using it.

on defense

The more you defend yourself, the more you believe what you defend against. - Alan Cohen

So what's the alternative to defending yourself?

Let it be.

Take the input of the other party and go inside yourself. Consider what they have presented with an open mind. Capitalize on the opportunity to examine and clarify your own position, stance, or decision. If you need to update yourself, or to gather more information, or change your mind based on this new input, then do it.

There's no need to convince others to see it your way, unless you both enjoy that kind of banter and debate. Just let them be. They have given you a gift by disagreeing with you or presenting an opposing viewpoint. Something new will emerge at the intersection of your perspective and theirs. Watch for it, and turn your attention to nurturing the seedlings of creativity and clarity that sprout within every conflict of opinion.


On another note, here's a pic from my son's graduation from boot camp. It's been fantastic to have him home. Next week he reports for duty in Michigan.

a heart that has room

I've been searching the Web to no avail for a quote I remember reading approximately ten years ago. If you recognize it, will you let me know who deserves credit? I think it goes something like this:

A heart that has room for even one enemy is not a safe place for a friend.

As usual, I could quibble with some of it. But for the most part, I think it makes sense. Have you ever had the experience of listening to a friend complain about or belittle someone who was not present, and felt yourself wondering what she says about YOU in your absence?

I think this quote is speaking to something most of us are intuitively aware of: it doesn't feel good to be judged. Yes, judgment seems to be part of the human package. We all do it to some degree. And I've seen people hold and present their judgments in a variety of ways. Some are more comfortable for me to relate to than others.

Perhaps a few oversimplified definitions could be useful here. When I say judgment, I'm talking about ways of describing, evaluating, packaging, and attributing intention to others which imply that someone is bad, wrong, less than, or stupid. The kind of judgment I am talking about holds others at a distance. In effect, it says "You are doing something I would never do," and "You are not like me."

To my way of thinking, judgment's counterpart is acceptance, which I define as compassionate understanding. It means we realize that under similar circumstances, beliefs, and conditions, we too may have made that decision or taken that action.

Acceptance does not stand above the choices of others and evalute them; it gracefully allows each of us to find our own way and to learn from our own experiences. It respects our common humanity.

It says, "It's okay, it happens, I understand."

It asks, "How can we repair our relationship/restore the balance/return to love together in the Now?"

It has no interest in identifying right from wrong, or separating us. It puts love first. It shines a spotlight on what we have in common.

My quibbles with the quote? Well, if we understand that sometimes people stand in judgment and create separation and enemies because they need to do this to feel better about themselves, then we have found a way to embrace them compassionately even as they judge.

If people believe in a black and white world with clear lines between right and wrong, then doesn't it make sense that they would want to be firmly on the side of Right? And that they would want us to know where they stand? I'm sure I would feel that way. In fact, I'm sure I have felt that way.

Using this awareness to think about the folks who gossip, criticize, or evaluate, we no longer feel vulnerable to their judgment. It becomes clear that it's not even about us. After a certain point in our personal development, we no longer need a guarantee of non-judgment to feel safe.

We no longer hold back our love or friendship, because we know that doing so hurts only ourselves. Others can judge us all they want, and we can embrace them without needing to separate ourselves from them with the thought or words: "I would never judge someone like that!" (Ironic, isn't it? To judge someone for judging others is still judgment.)

The sword of judgment is a heavy one. Eventually, it cuts the hand that wields it. Those who so vehemently judge others rarely escape unscathed -- during quiet moments in the dark of night, they turn the sword upon themselves.

When I remember this, my heart opens wide again. Only Beings in great pain would feel such a need to strike out at others. Striking back at them serves no kind or loving purpose, and simply perpetuates the chain of pain.

Acceptance doesn't mean we all become doormats. We can still exercise discernment, which to me is different than judgment.

Judgment says, "You are bad or wrong or mistaken and I refuse to accept you."

Discernment says, "I don't feel good right here, and I think I will step back a bit until I feel like myself again. You are fine just as you are, and I can enjoy you better from a little bit farther away."

It's late and I'm tired and not at all sure any of this will make sense in the morning! But it wanted to be written tonight, so for whatever it's worth, there you go.

*******
It's morning now, and I'm still not sure this post will make sense to anyone other than me. I do hope it's obvious that my musings reflect only my experience. For me, it is painful to stand in judgment of myself or others. It hurts to create separation by evaluation; to disapprove, condescend, or scold, or to think I could know or do better than they have.

Being human, of course I still do it anyway, and it hurts every time. Sometimes I notice right away, sometimes I don't. I always feel much better when I let my love, approval, attention, and energy flow freely again.

Of course that won't be true for everyone. I trust you to sort out whatever resonates with your experience in my words, and simply discard the rest.

ps: my son graduated from boot camp, and me, my mom, and my daughter were there to see it! he's back home now for a couple weeks, working in the local recruiting office before he reports for duty in Grand Haven, MI. My thanks to all of you who sent kind words and good wishes!

in love

have you ever had the experience of hearing a word or phrase that you've heard a thousand times before, and suddenly, a new meaning reveals itself to you?

that kind of ah-ha moment happened this morning. As my consciousness started awakening, I noticed myself feeling blissfully comfortable and content. I sort of lazily wondered why that was, and a voice in my head said, "Because I'm in love."

In the blink of an eye, I understood that at a whole new level: Love is like a river flowing through my being, and I can float in it or sit on the bank watching it go by. It's not that either one is better than the other; there's a time and a place for each. Sometimes it feels nice to dry off and sun myself for a few minutes on the shore. But usually, I like to be fully immersed.

I wonder if maybe our culture is misunderstanding things a bit when we say we are in love with someone else. Maybe it's just that as we hold the object of our affection in our attention; as we think of them fondly and focus on the good things about them, we are stepping into the river of our own well being. Thinking kind and positive thoughts about other people, ourselves, or even our pets, locates us in the vibration of love.

Listen to the radio for a few minutes and you'll hear plenty of cultural messages that tell us love is about the other person. Don't take your love away from me, How do I live without you, You're my everything, You're the one. You, you, you. No wonder many of us get so freaked out when the other person leaves or changes their mind about us! We've been taught to locate the source of love in someone else, or in the relationship, instead of in ourselves.

Maybe the truth is that we love how we feel when we are loving. That's not quite as specific and personal as we might wish it to be - it means love is portable. We may notice that in the presence of certain packages of qualities, or certain physical chemistries, it is easier for us to step into our own rivers of well being. And that's very nice, especially when it's mutual.

But maybe that's all the other person really is -- a catalyst. No one else can take us there. We step into Love on our own volition.

the consciousness of loving

It is not a past time, event, or relationship you yearn for. It the consciousness you held about it. Return to that consciousness, and you will create new experiences equal to or better than those you left behind.

- Alan Cohen


Excellent timing on this daily quote from Alan Cohen. I've been noticing this very thing lately.

This is the longest I've ever gone without a man in my daily life. I've been in a self-induced hibernation since Kevin and I split up in February. Did my little two day stint on match.com, noticed I felt crappy about it, and haven't put myself 'out there' since. I have enjoyed focusing on selling my house, settling in to my new place, and spending plenty of time with my son before he shipped off to boot camp.

I also wanted to take some time to observe myself as a single person. I had thought that maybe I would miss being loved. And I do, to some degree, but what I miss even more is how wonderful it feels to love. Of course I can and do love the flowers and the rain and the earth and my children and my friends and myself. What I find myself longing for is the deeply satisfying, no holds barred, totally surrendered kind of loving that so far I have only experienced and expressed within an intimate relationship.

So my solo experiment will continue until a man steps forward who wants to expand the exploration with me. In the meantime I'm perfectly fascinated by checking out what it feels like to open up as much to the sun as I would to a lover. Or to enjoy the wind on my skin as if it were a caress, and to walk on the earth as if I am massaging its back.

I think it could be possible to open up my consciousness of loving so widely that it almost doesn't matter if there is any personal receiver. It will be interesting to find out ...

reality

The only reality is LOVE. Everything else is what you make of it.

- alan cohen

When I pondered on this, I came up with some additional refinements that helped me understand it more deeply for myself:

Everything else is exactly what I make of it and only what I make of it.

And what I make of it is nothing more and nothing less than a reflection of my own thoughts and beliefs. LOVE is not just the only reality, it's also the only truth.

So if I see something other than love, like deception, attack, or guilt, then I am looking through distorted lenses. My work then is to polish or correct my personal lens, not to try to fix that which I see or blame any circumstance or person 'out there' for my painful interpretation.

he's leaving the nest

to read my thoughts about my son getting ready to graduate and enlist, click here to go to my other blog, http://www.advice-for-parents.com/2008/03/hes-leaving-nest.html

thoughts on breaking up

I'm writing this mostly as a note to myself, because I want to document this feeling in an attempt to anchor it for future access. I have a tendency to forget important stuff like this.

Just like with most of my previous relationships, after many months of internal hemming and hawing and deliberation, one day I woke up crystal clear that it was time for us to go our separate ways.

When this first happened back in 1997 with the father of my children, the clarity did not come after months of hemming and hawing and deliberation. It came out of the friggin' blue, and it terrified me. I fought it tooth and nail. There was a lot of collateral damage caused by struggling with my own awareness and trying to get it to go away because it was gonna be very difficult to make the changes it was asking of me.

Thankfully, in my relationships since then I've had more warning. And maybe I've directed just a tad less effort into fighting my own clarity - but really, to be honest, not that much less. I still go down arguing with myself every time.

So there are two things I want to remember:

One, that there is no way for me to win a battle with that kind of inner clarity. I may as well forget about trying to supress or change the message. And if I choose fight it anyway, sooner or later I'll exhaust myself and finally accept it.

and Two, these things have a timing all their own, and action does not always necessarily follow immediately on the heels of awareness.

There's such a qualitative difference between that feeling of "should I/shouldn't I" and the YES, NOW when it finally comes. I wrote a note to my future self in my journal to remind her that if she's still deliberating, it's just not time for action yet for reasons she won't have access to. And that it's okay for her to just be honest with herself and her mate, and wait a while until the required action becomes clear as well.

When it IS time, there's no way to miss the signs. That nudge toward action is worth waiting for, because it makes all the icky stuff that comes after it so much easier to take when I'm not wracked with self-doubt.

I shed a lot of tears during the month it took for him to find a new place, many of them in his comforting arms, but they weren't the kind of tears that come from wondering if this is the right thing to do - they were just pure grieving. Pain without suffering. And in a way, they were sweet rather than painful. The day he left, the tears just stopped, and I found myself feeling cleansed and purified like the air after a thunderstorm.

All this to say - when the time is right, I will know it. And until then, all I can do is remain present with myself and the situation as it is.

A friend sent me the gift of profound inspiration in a link to Eckhart Tolle on YouTube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPg9DnMP2D4

Oh, yeah, there's one more thing: Three, I am much more resilient than I give myself credit for when I am anticipating a potentially painful situation! This could be the silver lining of having a terrible memory. I don't store past experiences very well, which means I don't have anything to compare the present moment to, and therefore I don't notice it lacking anything. That comes in real handy! When I was wrapped in his arms I would cry thinking I would miss that feeling forever. The first night I slept alone, I was blissfully comfortable under my new blanket and it felt perfect. Go figure.

I hope I never need to read these reminders to myself. I hope my next relationship lasts for the remainder of my lifetime. But, life being what it is, I thought I better take some notes, just in case ... :)

perception

today's daily quote from alan cohen:

Perception is a mirror, not a fact.

-- A Course in Miracles

I've been feeling keenly aware of this in the past few days. Most of what has been solid in my life is currently in transition, and there are lots of opportunities for me to tell myself stories about the meaning of various circumstances and events.

For example: I posted my profile on match and not one man contacted me in the first 24 hours. Stories? Oh yeah, I got 'em. I'm too old, I'm not attractive enough, no one will ever want me again, this is a mistake, I should just cancel and resign myself to being single, yadda yadda yadda.

And maybe one of those stories happens to be the truth, but it would only be by coincidence if it was, and only time will tell anyway. What I know in this moment is that when I tell myself those stories, and I believe them as if they were facts, it hurts. And my feelings are pretty raw already, so who needs that?

So I am faced with a choice this morning. Hide my profile and go back into my little shell where I can't feel anyone 'rejecting' me, or question my perceptions. Yeah, maybe I am too old for this. And so what? Then no one will contact me, and so be it.

Or maybe it's closer to the truth that I am just not ready yet. Or maybe the man who will be my next love is on vacation this week. You get the idea. There's an infinite variety of stories I could tell -- no need to fixate my mind on only the painful ones.

I haven't yet decided what to do about this. In fact, right now, I am stubbornly declaring my refusal to decide. When and if I feel the impulse to hide my profile, I will, and I will decide in the moment, not ahead of time.

And in the meantime, this a stellar opportunity to look in the mirror and notice what I think about myself when I don't have the input of someone else's love and appreciation, and the distraction of loving and appreciating someone else. I might have forgetten how to do those things for myself. Now is the perfect time to brush up on my skills. (LOL - whenever I type the word "skills" I hear it in the voice of Napoleon Dynamite. makes it kinda hard to take myself seriously.)

postscript, six hours later:
I cancelled my membership. But not because of the reasons I talked about earlier in this post. I'm definitely NOT going back into my shell. I had lunch with a dear friend who reminded me of one of my favorite mottos: if it's not fun, don't do it! Last time I was on match, I loved being there. Since I don't feel that way this time, the message is clear: get me outta here! I'm off to find something more interesting to do. I'm thinking salsa dancing sounds like fun ...

post postscript, the next morning:
Well, since my membership won't die until mid Feb, Kevin encouraged me to just play around with it by unhiding myself again and experimenting with different pictures, captions, profile texts, etc. to see what kind of response they get. He knows I can't resist a good experiment! And it sounded like fun. So off I went to unhide myself and change my heading to "I sing in the car", and within an hour, two people contacted me. So my motto If it's not fun, don't do it seems to be serving me well! And if it becomes not fun again, I'll either hide my profile and take a break, or change it until it feels like play again. Or not! My friend and I got a good laugh out of this sentence that popped out of my mouth a few weeks ago: "I am free to violate my own principles any time I feel like it! I just made them up anyway ..."

love lets go

this will be one of those real sentimental posts, so if that makes you kinda sqeamish, you might want to come back another day. besides being mushy, it's also pretty radical, and sort of violates the usual social norms.

I guess I might as well just jump right in ...

a couple years ago I wrote a blog entry about meeting a wonderful man, and we have been involved in a lovely relationship since then. last week, our many gentle conversations over the past few years about whether we were compatible enough to consider marriage culminated in a mutual acknowledgment that our time together as a couple had come to a natural end. We immediately began the process of gracefully and lovingly parting ways.

here's my little theory on this: when most of what you have in common is simply that you love each other, it's not enough to sustain a lifelong partnership. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry nailed it: Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward in the same direction.

Of course, we had more in common than loving each other, or we wouldn't have lasted as long as we did. But we'd noticed that over time we were spending more and more time away from each other doing other things, and that when we would come back together, we weren't all that interested in hearing what the other had been up to. For some couples, that's not a problem. For us, it just was.

So love, in our case, right this moment, means that we release each other with open hearts to our futures. It means I help him search for an apartment, and we do not argue about what he takes with him when he moves out.

It means that our bodies still touch when we are sitting next to each other - even as we work together on my match.com profile. It means that we cherish our time together, savoring the last precious days of each other's company.

And it means that he is, at this very moment, downstairs having a lively phone conversation with a woman I introduced him to. A woman I thought might be a better match for him than I am.

I am immeasureably grateful for the gift of the time we shared together. I will always love him. And for me, love means wanting him to enjoy a satisfying and fulfilling life, even if I am not the one he lives it with. Strange? Definitely. But also beautiful. Peaceful. And very deeply satisfying.

Permission Granted

I was talking with a friend yesterday about some difficulty she was having with a family member. Seems the other person had made some rather snide remarks on the phone, and my friend was evaluating whether she wanted to continue to invest her energy in keeping that relationship active, or whether it might be best to just sort of let it wither away by attrition. I thought there had to be some middle ground, and so we looked for it together. We came up with something we thought was pretty pithy:

If you give yourself permission to leave the conversation, you may not feel the need to leave the relationship.

Granted, maybe eveyone but me and my friend had this figured out a long time ago. But on the other hand, maybe not. Because there seem to be a lot of conversations that continue far past the point of productivity, or even civility, and trespass into the territory where permanent damage occurs to the relationship.

Here's how we thought it might sound after a snide remark or an outright attack:

"You know, I just realized that I'm feeling sort of defensive right now, and I think I better hang up to take care of that for myself. Let's talk later."

Fill in the blank if defensive is not the right feeling - angry, frustrated, sad, etc. And if you are in person, not on the phone, then take a walk instead of hanging up.

Isnt' that elegant? Rather than defend or justify or even counter attack, you just take a break.

I'm impressed with this for two reasons - one, the other party is forced to take a break too, because you just removed her target. She can't go on to say something she regrets.

Two, the last thing she remembers from the conversation is that something she said triggered you. If she's interested, she can give some thought to what might have happened. If she's not, that's fine too. But at least you have not cluttered up her ears with a bunch of defenses or counter-attacks that divert her attention away from her words and onto yours. I betcha, nine times outta ten, you'll end up hearing an apology when you finally do reconnect. Okay, maybe eight times. But those are still pretty nice odds.

As an added bonus, if you notice yourself spending an awful lot of time hanging up or walking, the relationship is likely dying by attrition anyway, and you will not feel confused about the whole "stay or go" decision.

ps: Hey, I don't think I've mentioned yet that I have a new blog! check it out at www.advice-for-parents.com. that's where you'll find future posts about parenting issues ... well organized by topic and easy to access. I'm posting daily responses to questions from readers right now, so if you have any parenting questions, let me know.

relationship life preservers

I just finished writing a marathon email to a friend whose husband has more or less checked out of their marriage and is ignoring her. I wanted to share it with you, too, in case it resonates with anyone.

~

Now that I'm back at my computer and thinking clearly, I wanted to share one more relationship idea. It's radical, and you may feel kinda repulsed by it, so I'll just throw it out there trusting that you will either pitch it out or experiment with it as you see fit.

I guess it's based on a few premises which might seem really silly when you first hear them. Even if they sound like crap, it might be worth an experiment. At the risk of dangerous oversimplification, I'll try to describe them briefly.

Most men need a mission in life. They are wired to feel good when they make a difference or accomplish something. When they feel aimless or useless for whatever reason, and that reason might have nothing at all to do with their relationship, they can sort of implode into depression.

This might sound really stupid, but I haven't yet met a man who did not thrive on feeling like his woman's hero. Of course that has nothing to do with income, competence, or anything material. It's emotional. They want to know that they have something unique and powerful to offer to their lover. And they do, or we would not have chosen them. Sometimes they need to be reminded about what that is when they have lost sight of it.

The woman who loves him can sometimes offer a temporary lifeline into feeling like a hero again with two strategies: speaking only gratitude, and asking for their help.

These are sort of "medicinal" strategies; applied in specific doses to support a healing from within. You are right that we cannot truly bring anyone out of depression or change them.

These are just life preserver rings that we throw out into the water. We feel better having something to try, and he may just grab hold of one and pull himself to the side of the boat.

So the life preservers might look like this: when he gets home, the first thing he hears is that you are happy to see him. If that's not even true at this point, then maybe it's true that your daughter is happy to see him, so you say that with sincerity.

Then you might ask for his help on something for dinner. The request is really straightforward. "Honey, will you mash those potatoes for me?" If he does it, great. You don't help him or make suggestions or comments, even if he does it completely wrong.

When he's done, you say a warm and simple thank you. All the better if it is accompanied by a kiss, a gentle touch on the shoulder, or at least eye contact.

If he doesn't do it, that's fine too. You were planning on doing it yourself anyway, so you just take care of it.

The rest of the night goes this way. Mostly gratitude and appreciative comments, sprinkled with an occasional request, which is offered in complete neutrality only one time. If he does it, he hears more gratitude. If not, you just do it with no comment.

If you honestly can't find one thing to appreciate, then don't say anything until you can. If you have to dig, you could look for something he did around the house back when he was feeling good, like, "Wow, I feel so lucky to have this terrific deck that you made for us,"or whatever.

The whole time you are taking care of yourself emotionally, listening to yourself, acknowledging your feelings internally, and doing whatever it takes to unilaterally calm your own anxiety or anger. When you need to vent some steam, do it with girlfriends.

A few days of this might help him to let his guard down a little bit and show some vulnerability or emotion. If he does, you'll want to meet his disclosures with as much understanding as you can. One way to do that is to simply repeat what you think he is expressing back to him, and wait for his confirmation, and ask if there's more. Then ask if you can share your feelings about it before doing so.

Even if he does not open or soften, it might be good medicine for you, anyway. We always feel better when we focus our attention on finding things to appreciate, and it takes our minds off of noticing what is so painfully wrong.

Yes, it can take a LOT of discipline to do this. And if I know only one thing about you it's that you are a powerful woman! Even if all you can muster is one appreciative comment in an evening of otherwise gentle and accepting silence, it's still something.

so anyway, sorry, that was pretty long. I'll shut up now and just say that I am wishing you both all the best.



Karen Alonge
720 771 8915
www.karenalonge.com
Contact me to schedule a parenting consultation by phone,
or to register for Connected Parenting classes near Boulder, CO.

hiding

three blog posts in one day - can you tell I'm cleaning up my inbox?

I wrote this note to myself a while ago, planning to flesh it out into an article.
When I re-read it just now, I decided it's perfect exactly as it is:

hiding = suffering
we suffer when we try to manage what others think about us
we suffer when we try to control their thinking
we suffer when we try to hide our 'flaws'
who cannot relate when we admit to being flawed?
show it, own it, apologize for it if necessary, and suffering ends
stop trying to be who you are not

the little engine that could

You know how sometimes people have recurring dreams or nightmares? Well, I have recurring insights. Every time I figure out some new concept related to my thinking or my experience of life, I get really excited and think I'm onto something really big.

And then I remember, "Wait, this seems kinda familiar. Did I think of this already?"

Maybe for me, it takes numerous ah-ha experiences for a realization to become anchored. Until those insights reach critical density, every time the thought surfaces in my awareness, it just floats right away on the prevailing current.

well, anyhoo, here's my latest turn on the merry-go-round. Who knows, maybe this time it will stay put?

I was talking to a friend yesterday who shamefully confessed that her most grievous personality flaw was that she was critical and judgmental. I, too, have a well developed ability to notice what is wrong, incongruent, or simply not working. And as icing on top of that cake, I'm far more arrogant than my friend, and I don't even think of this quality that we share as a flaw!

But she does, bless her heart, and she's constantly battling with herself, attempting to subdue her critical thinking. Can you imagine how disheartening it would be to constantly be swimming upstream against the current of your own temperament? Yikes. It exhausts me to even think about it.

So I listened, and empathized, and tried to normalize her inner tendencies by revealing that I had them too. I told her how strong I thought she was to have been fighting this inner battle for so many years.

I myself mostly gave up on stopping that train of thought years ago. I am far weaker than her, and not at all optimistic that I can stand on the track with my hand up and the giant locomotive of habitual thinking with years and years of momentum fueling it will just STOP. So instead of stopping it, I got this idea to just try rearranging the tracks a little bit - sort of create a curve that leads off into another direction so gently that the train hardly even notices.

So here's how my thought train sounds now, clickety clacking down the line:

He's doing that wrong - He's doing that wrong - He's doing that wrong - How should he do that instead? - What do I think would work better? - What would I do differently if I was him? - Why would I do it that way? - Can I really be sure it would work better for him to do it my way? - When it's my turn to make the choice I'll do it my way - Hey, look at that pretty bird (I'm frightfully distractable) - Glad I thought about how I'll do that if I ever get the chance - What's for dinner?

Here's the train chugging down the track in the fitting room:

I hate this dress on me - This dress looks terrible - I could never wear this dress - What do I hate about it? - Oh, the cut - What style would I like better? - I know, more fitted at the waist! - A fittted style would look much better on me - I'll leave this dress here and go ask the salesperson if they have any other styles.

Yeah, it starts with judgment. And then slowly but surely, it ends up pulling into a far more positive station, one where I don't mind getting off the train and resting a bit.

Okay, so here's my big aha. We've all heard that we are not supposed to judge. Most of the religions I know about give us a hefty dose of that advice. But here's the thing. Two things, actually.

One, it's not because judging is wrong and not judging is right and we'll be weighed and measured after we die and punished if we did it too much. It's because judging hurts our own feelings right in the moment we are doing it. Before it even gets to the other person, we've hurt ourselves. (oooh, cold hard corollary here: If I think I have been hurt by someone's judgment of me, I need to look again! It actually only hurts if I agree with their assessment. Truth is, I can only be hurt from the inside. This is where arrogance is really an asset! )

And two, we were meant to include ourselves in that recommendation; judging ourselves for being judgmental only intensifies our suffering. Forgiving ourselves, apologizing to others if necessary, and gently redirecting our course one railroad tie at a time feels a lot better and is more likely to be effective.

In his wonderful book, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz recommends that we not even take the thoughts we hear in our own minds personally. Let 'em come, let 'em go, and then intentionally choose our actions based on our values. When we conduct our personal business in this way, judgmental thoughts are not a problem to be eliminated. They become like our own personal fireworks show-- entertaining us with a big bang and a colorful display before they twinkle and fade away.

words

my daughter is going into 8th grade, which has gotta be one of Dante's levels of hell. She sure is suffering while she works things out for herself socially. All I can do is rub her back and dry her tears and witness the fury and pain as it releases from her system. She rights herself much more quickly than I remember doing at her age. Heck, who am I kidding -- she's quicker than I am even now!!

While searching for some kind of lifeline to throw to her, I remembered a three part guideline I heard somewhere years ago, a sort of algorithm that helps us decide to speak or not. Thought I'd write it here since I will surely need to refer back to it myself:

Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?

I think if I applied this filter, I'd be talking a whole lot less. True is not so much of a problem. Kind seems pretty clear too. I myself get real hung up on necessary. Necessary for what? For self-expression? For intimacy? For growth? For entertainment? Sometimes those seem to conflict with each other.

I suppose like most things, I just have to try it and see what happens. Maybe my mind is trying to make this more complicated than it really is. Maybe it's sort of like a Zen koan -- the gift is in the process of asking the question, not in the answer.

ps: quick update: I printed these three questions out several times in tiny font and left the page on her desk without a word. She came downstairs later and showed me with a shy grin that she had taped them to both her cell phone and her computer screen. Bless this kid's heart. She's gonna do just fine ...

love

hi! it's been a long time, huh? sheesh. what happened to all of june?

My colleague Robin and I have been totally immersed in writing the curriculum for our new parenting model, Connected Parenting. We taught it once and now are completely revising it before we teach it again starting in September. Lemme know if you are interested - we have two 5 week classes scheduled in Boulder -- one for parents of younger kids, and one for parents of teens. Sure, I'm biased, but I think it's a very powerful model. Parents are reporting profound changes in their family dynamics, and some say that power struggles have been almost completely eliminated since they began using our techniques. It's a very rewarding class to teach!

So that's awesome, and can I just tell you how deeply inspiring it is to have found my professional soul mate?

My creative partnership with Robin is absolutely seamless. When my words are stuck, she knows exactly what I mean to say, and says it better. I swear we are both dialed in to the exact same frequency, and we just race along the creative highway passing the baton off to each other effortlessly. I've never experienced anything like it!

So my writing energy has been joyfully dedicated to that project, and not to blogging. And might be for a while longer yet ...

(ps, if you are looking for a highly gifted psychotherapist in Boulder, I'd love to give you Robin's number!)

Today my friend deb's blog inspired me to git 'er done - to write just a little teeny bit on my blog, just to say hello. of course, once my lil ol opinions start flowing, it's hard to shut me up ...

anyhoo, I had a curious new experience the other day. Kevin told me he loved me, which he mentions with great devotion and frequency, bless his heart, and I felt a new reaction wake up inside me. I've never been the type to just parrot it back. I say it plenty, but only when it bubbles up from inside, never as a reaction to hearing it. I usually just smile and receive it joyfully.

but this time, I felt such overpowering delight that he was having the experience of love INSIDE him. It didn't even feel personal - not like he loved ME, rather that he simply LOVED. and it IS so wonderful to love.

I was happy to be an inspiration for that feeling within him, but I didn't give it any significance about me. It didn't mean I was lovable or good or whatever - it just meant that in that moment, his heart was open, and I happened to be in front of him to celebrate. I was just sort of an innocent bystander.

The source of Love was inside him, not between us. It's inside me, too, of course. That realization came to me years ago. But it was novel to witness that from the outside. And it was so poignant.

Love wasn't about where we've been or where we are headed together. It was just right there, in that moment, a joyful expansion of his heart. I felt honored to witness it. I knew I could take no credit for it, and therefore also no blame for times when he may not feel it.

And some kind of long-held belief in me about being responsible for helping/hurting others simply melted away, leaving just this moment and the joy of it - Love flowing freely through his heart, and my heart, and overflowing into the space between.

It was so pure, yet so impersonal. Weird, huh?

But I liked it a lot. It sort of changed everything. And at the same time, nothing has changed.

Maybe the stream of Love is just always flowing along, minding its own Love Business.

Sometimes we dip our toes in, and sometimes we dive deep, and sometimes we just shiver on the bank or wander off to drier territory.

The stream, well, it doesn't seem to mind much what we do.

Could be that it's having too much fun bubbling and babbling along on its way to the ocean to even notice ...

an easy way to improve your relationship

ooh, I couldn't have said this better myself, so I'll just send you over to Susan Page for a very quick read. Although this author writes and teaches about adult relationships, I found this posted on a parenting site because much of her advice works in that context, too.

http://www.parentingbookmark.com/pages/SPage03.htm

quotable

greetings!

I quote the wisdom of others every day. Lately I've been wondering how these quotes get captured and released into the big quote pool. Does some random third party fish it out of a book or article and share it? Does the quotee write it down and release it themselves? What's the mechanism of distribution?

I found myself wishing that some of my own words might one day swim in that pool of popular wisdom. (yeah, I know. not very humble, am I? but I coach others to dream big, so I gotta walk my own talk. LOL)

Last week I sent an email to a friend, and she wrote back saying she loved a particular phrase I wrote. And she quoted me! Well, as you can imagine, the glimmer of a golden opportunity caught my eye. So I'm shamelessly and ambitiously throwing this little guy into the pool, and we'll see if it's worthy of swimming with the big fish.

As long as I don't abandon myself, I'm in good company.
-karen alonge

Perhaps you have already discerned the context of my statement: when we look deeply into the nature of our relationships with others, we find the truth of impermanence. I've been told that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I can't know in advance which it will be, so I prefer to live each day as if it could be our last one together.

But there is one person who is guaranteed to be my lifetime companion -- ME. Therefore it seems logical to take full responsibility for nourishing and deepening my relationship with my Self. Being abundantly human, I have varying degrees of success with this.

I try not to betray my own integrity or truth in order to manipulate someone into approving of me. When I remember to, I forgive myself rather than turning on myself with anger, blame, or judgment. If I notice self-condemnation, I try to talk to myself like I would to a friend I really care about.

When I succeed, I notice something fascinating and empowering: It's not what happens out there with other people or circumstances that determines how I feel. It's what I think those things mean about ME.

When I am sure of who I am, I become anchored in joy and acceptance and cannot be blown about by the winds of opinion or accusation or intimidation. And if for whatever reason I do step away from my centered self temporarily, I know the way back.

so anyway, there you go. if you feel inspired to, please pass it on.

have a great day!

-karen

update from the synchronicity dept:

A friend called me from her cell phone a few hours after I emailed today's postcard. She was driving away from picking her child up at school, where she had casually spoken to another mom who mentioned that she was feeling inspired by an article she read today. My friend asked to hear more, and the other mom went on to quote from the article.

I bet you can see where this is going - the article was my postcard. I'm delighted to report that my wish to be quoted has already come true! Not only that, but several readers responded with offers to quote me elsewhere. This is so cool. Synchronicity rocks!! (and so does dreaming big ...)

thank you to everyone who passed it along. mwah!!

ideally ...

loved this quote from Abraham-Hicks:

This is what we see as an ideal relationship: Someone who has a majority of things, that I easily feel at ease with. Things I like. Not someone who satisfies me on every single level because expansion is fun, but someone with whom I can easily be comfortable. Someone, who like me, understands that they are an expanding being, who is eager about life, and eager about expanding and willing to keep up with who they are becoming.

- Abraham-Hicks
(www.abraham-hicks.com)

the giving tree

I am immersed in an intense challenge/opportunity these days which is consuming lots of my attention. An arrangement that I thought was a sure thing has collapsed. Silly of me, I know, to have slipped back into believing anything in life could actually be a SURE thing! How perfectly human of me.

Of course in the back of my mind I knew all along that the deal could go south, and I do believe that this change is part of a benevolent conspiracy on my behalf, but in the meantime, a massive leap of faith seems to be required of me. And I am having varying degrees of success mustering up the courage to jump. I keep wanting to force a solution so I can relax; tie it all up neatly in a bundle with a pretty bow and know just how it will all turn out.

As I say to my clients sometimes: good luck with that!

today I went googling for visual inspiration, and look what showed up:

the mighty and massive redwood tree

begins as this tiny little seedling (photo by Mark M. Mills)


... a more than adequate reminder that miracles happen every day, and that sometimes they require time to manifest in full splendor. The spirit of the redwood sings to me, "Patience, my child. Patience."

When I grow up, I want to be a tree. Mostly because all they do is just stay in one place and be themselves, and everything they need to grow and thrive comes to them. They don't have to go out and peruse the want ads for rain or sun or soil. They grow stronger through adversity - the more they learn to surrender to the force and direction of the wind, the stronger and more resilient they become.

Trees appear to die each winter, but it is just an illusion. There is life within them despite all indications to the contrary. When the conditions are proper, Life will come out from its hiding place and reveal itself again in brilliant green, tightly wound buds of pure potential.

Leaves grow and die and fall, and the tree does not kick and scream or argue or try to hold on to them - it must know somewhere deep in its roots that there will be more to come. The whole tree benefits from a good pruning; cutting away the limbs that are less than healthy strengthens the remaining branches.

And when its natural life cycle is finished, it offers its physical body as a contribution; becoming a home for other creatures, and eventually food for other living things. At every stage of its life, its individual existence is a gift to the magnificent Whole.

I wonder sometimes if it might possibly be that simple for me, too, if my mind and fears and control tactics did not get in the way and inhibit the natural flowing of life through me ...

imagine what would happen to the tree if it could think that it might make a mistake, or if it decided to manage its growth process by mapping out an action plan. could it ever hope to duplicate the perfection of the blueprint nature has painstakingly included in every cell of its being?

How likely is it that I was born less well equipped than a tree ... that my cells could lack the required information to support a perfect unfolding of my own life? Maybe I will just go sit in the sun for a while this afternoon and see what happens ...

evolving truth

a quote related to my 'knowing no-thing' post
from the Conversations with God books:

... their evolving truth about a thing differs from what they said their truth would always be. And so, they are deeply conflicted. What to obey — my truth, or my promise?

Advice?

Betrayal of yourself in order not to betray another is betrayal nonetheless. It is the highest betrayal.

I would not ever want a person to keep their promise to me if it required them to violate their own integrity. Nor would I be in relationship with anyone who required that of me.

If we ask anyone to betray themselves for us, our 'love' is built upon a foundation of shifting sands: fear, resentment, and distrust. Yes, it is painfully human to want predictability and stability and all that good stuff. But can it truly be guaranteed, even with the best of intentions? the reality of life is that things, people, and situations change. seems to me that the only way to cope with that is to be willing to accept it.

the one commmitment I can make with full integrity to anyone is that I will share my evolving truth with them as I become aware of it. it's the only promise that I have any chance of keeping.

can true love exist without free will?

the nature of love online

I've been exchanging a series of fascinating emails with an author in Nigeria who contacted me after reading one of my articles about overcoming rejection. His niche is educating folks about the international scams being perpetuated upon unsuspecting online daters who believe they have fallen in love with someone from another country. Some kind of crisis happens and their beloved suddenly needs an infusion of cash, and before they know what hit their open hearts and wallets, they have lost thousands of dollars to a devastating and deliberately organized scheme. (his site is www.elovedeceptions.com)

He and I have been discussing what makes people so vulnerable to this scam. Here is an excerpt of my response to his question asking what I think the problem is with love online:
*******
the problem with love? there seems to be a presuppposition in the question
that I can't agree with. Love is just love. No problem there. but
attachment, need fulfillment, escape from loneliness, and other things that
masquerade as love, well, those might be problems for some, if they get them
confused with love.

I don't know about having trouble finding love in the real world. I
experience love all over the place ... under every rock it seems. If we
look at love as internal, as the lens through which we interact with the
world, then the problem is not out there. it's inside. so many don't know
how to connect with love on their own. not that I do it perfectly either, but at least I am aware of that and know to focus my attention on that instead of trying to get anyone else to do it for me. on my good days anyhow!!!

I think the popularity of online relationships has a lot to do with
projection. when you don't see someone in person, you can easily fill in
all the mysteries with your own ideals. and then it seems as though all of
your needs are met, and of course that feels great. like the words to that
song ... imaginary lovers never let you down.

what people are seeking is that feeling of being connected ... and they
think it is connection to another person, but really it is connection to
Love, the source of all consciousness.

so when they fall in love, they connect with their own hearts, and it feels great. I think maybe the best we can hope for in relationship is to consciously experience our individual connnections to Love together: my presence encourages you to connect with your heart, and yours encourages me to connect with mine, and then we can play together by creating on that mutual playground.

but lots of people don't ever realize that it's not the other person who is doing it for them. so when the Other goes away, in their grief or sadness or blame or resentment or whatever, they lose their connection with their own hearts, but think it is because of the absence of Other. and it's not.
*******
I'm grateful to Alan for giving me the opportunity to articulate this theory in this way. and I am curious to hear your thoughts on it as well ....

love is in the air

suddenly it seems that many of my friends who used to be single are in love. the blessed kind of love that is not a compromise, or a decision, or settling, or giving up or giving in. the kind that is clear and strong and without a doubt to be found. love that expands both lover and beloved, that encourages each to be more of who they already are when they are together. When I see it my heart just wants to burst with joy and gratitude. someday it will be my turn to experience this too...

for now, I'll just enjoy loving the Mystery as it manifests in these gorgeous red rocks in Sedona ...

regret

losing my personal wrestling match with regret tonight. yesterday I made a choice that seemed appropriate for me based on what I believed to be true at the time. today I feel heavy and burdened with second thoughts and doubts in hindsight.

I know better than to indulge in pursuing this line of painful thinking. heck, you all see me write about that all the time! but for whatever reason, I find myself mulling things over and over in my mind, like when I was a kid and lost a tooth and my tongue just couldn't help poking itself into the hollow crater.

The whole battle is internal, between parts of myself. It's not really about the choice I made. It's about not quite yet being able to accept and forgive myself for making it. I know intellectually that the remedy is to bring love and forgiveness to all the voices and pieces that make up the totality of my essence, and yet I have not done it.

wallowing is an interesting thing. I know better, but do it anyway. what's up with that? my pain will linger until my mind decides to jump this track and get back into alignment with thoughts of well being and trusting myself and the universe. pretty simple, really. but I have not yet made the decision to do it.

even though it is my work to know a million and one tricks to help other people release themselves from self-created suffering, here I am, feeling locked inside my own cage! I have to smile a little at the irony of that.

sometimes, the best thing to do is just go to bed, pull the covers over my head, and let sleep work its magic on my thoughts. in the morning, the birds will be singing, the sun will be dancing on my ceiling, and I just might wake up forgetting to be mad at myself.

postscript at dawn the next day:
well, the sun is indeed shining, and there are some cracks in my shell of heaviness which the light will soon penetrate and break open to reveal the tenderness and compassion within. I bet as soon as I take a walk with my friend this morning I'll feel much better. that's my second most reliable trick (sleeping it off being the first) -- listen to someone and pay more attention to them than to my own spinning thinking.

hope you have a good day today, and thank you for being here.

post postscript:
ahhh, the hot water of the shower (my third most reliable trick) seems to have loosened up even more of my awareness. I see more clearly what is keeping me stuck. I'm not trusting the universe at the moment, putting too much pressure on myself to know the outcome of my choices, which is impossible. Basically, the name of this gremlin is impatience. I want to know right now how it will all turn out, or even better, force it to turn out the way I prefer. I want to control and manage far more than is reasonable. And those desires have the same effect on me as if I was banging my poor head against a brick wall. Think I'll head on down the page here and re-read my post from the dating files. you know I write these far more for myself than for you, right? LOL
ta ta for now!

loving the mystery

a friend sent me this quote from the book Emptiness Dancing by Adyashanti.
so timely given what I've been pondering lately...

"When we are in relationship as our own radiant
emptiness, the relationship is beautiful because we
are being what we are. Essentially we are in love with
a mystery. Mystery is in love with itself. When this
mystery is in relationship with an other, whether the
so-called other is the flower, the bird, the wind, the
coldness, or a human being, it relates to these as an
expression of the same mystery.

This is true sacred relationship, when we see that we
are really in relationship with the manifestation of
the mystery: here as this, here as that, here as him,
here as her, here as coldness, here as bitterness,
here as sweetness.

To be in relationship in this way is simple. It is
humble. It is very intimate. Then you can meet another
person in a whole different way. You return to
something that is innocent, where you are finally
willing to tell the truth, not to hide, not to force
consciousness into some relationship agenda, but to
simply let it emerge."

the dating files

now that I have had a chance to swim a few laps in the online dating pool, I am cogitating another one of Karen's crackpot theories of life. it's about rejection. or not hitting it off. or not being compatible. or refusing to compromise. which could all be the same thing, more or less, depending on how you look at it. anyway, here's my theory:

it seems to me that the intensity of the reaction a person has to a 'rejection' is inversely proportional to the trust they have in their concept of a higher power. stay with me one this one ... I think I can link it all up so it makes sense.

let's say a person has little belief in anything more perceptive, orderly, or organized than himself. he does not pray or surrender or feel his connection to any type of creator/source/deeper order/life force. he relies only upon his thinking for guidance, and does not believe in any type of bigger picture than what he can perceive with his five senses.

when a person with that consciousness thinks he has met his one and only, but she does not share his perception, then everything goes out of whack in his world. his life feels wrong, like it is departing from its path. he tries to reason with her, to convince her that she should stay, that she is making a mistake, because without her, his life seems empty.

she may consider their plight to be a simple case of incompatibility in some important area, but he perceives a personal rejection, and feels as if there is something wrong with him that he needs to fix. I cannot imagine a more powerless and helpless position to be in than feeling like there is something wrong with you that will keep you from ever having what you want, and not knowing how or being able to force yourself to fix it.

by contrast, let's look in on a person of faith, be it religious, spiritual, or contemplative/experiential. when she gets the memo that a new prospect does not feel the same kind of potential for a healthy and growing partnership that she does, her reaction happens on a different level.

she may feel some grief or sadness, but she does not perceive his opinion as a statement of judgment about who she is. she does not go on a campaign to woo him back. she does not start a self-improvement campaign to fix all her flaws. she simply accepts that her time with him was brief, and her trust in a higher power allows her to relax, because she does not feel that she is at the wheel and took a wrong turn and had better get herself and him back on track.

she trusts that the partner she is seeking will not require convincing. she surrenders to the bigger plan, knowing she may only have the capacity to see a step or two ahead of where she is, but never doubting that she will arrive at her destination. aware of the comforting and continuous presence of her inner guide, she does not feel alone, abandoned, or out of place. she lets go, and allows herself to experience her emotional response to the loss, and then moves on.

so if I was going to give any advice to my fellow swimmers, it would be this. focus more of your energy on cultivating a relationship with a higher power bigger than your mind and senses, and less of your energy on finding your perfect match. then you can marvel in the graciousness of letting people come and go, as they are wired to do, and you will feel the freedom to do the same.