now THIS is a creative response to conflict!

Counter protesters carried randomly absurd signs, including I Have A Sign, I'm Tired, and I Was Promised Donuts, in response to a hate campaign mounted by a small group of traveling rabble rousers who were picketing the Twitter headquarters in San Francisco. I love this story on so many levels that I can't even express myself coherently. I just can't stop grinning.

http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2010/1/31/832439/-Westboro-Baptist-Church-Pwned

not rowing my boat

I got sick this week, for the first time in a couple years. Nothing major -- a sore throat followed by some sinusy stuff. It took me a couple days to notice that I wasn't terribly annoyed by it. I just blew my nose when it needed blowing and moved on with my life.

This is a nice contrast to past illnesses, which often pissed me off. I wonder if I'm finally starting to experience the distinction between pain and suffering. Pain is just a sensation. Suffering occurs when I resist the sensation by thinking it shouldn't be happening, or I add some layer of meaning onto an experience.

When I have a headache, I still suffer. Maybe eventually I'll stop resisting that flavor of sensation, too. Or maybe not. Anything could happen.

But this week, I was tired so I just went to bed early. I bought some extra kleenex. I gargled with some salt water when I felt like it. And even when my throat was hurting, I didn't feel Bad about it. I didn't devote a lot of time or energy to trying to get better. I felt pretty confident that it would pass on its own soon enough, and I was fine just taking comfort measures while I waited it out.

It's kinda nice living this way. I like feeling the river moving beneath me and knowing that the current will move me to a new experience whether I row myself or not. And since chances are I'll forget this feeling and grab the oars again, I might as well enjoy coasting for now.

remember that woman who carried a pregnancy for her friend?

here's the happy outcome:
http://www.dailycamera.com/ci_14287558?source=most_viewed

wisdom from alan watts

I'm reading a ragged, coffeestained paperback edition of The Wisdom of Insecurity by Alan Watts, courtesy of the Boulder Public Library. Gosh this guy has a way with words!

After a very clear and convincing argument that we simply cannot identify an experiencer who is separate from the experience itself, he goes on to say:

The real reason why human life can be so utterly exasperating and frustrating is not because there are facts called death, pain, fear or hunger. The madness of the thing is that when such facts are present, we circle, buzz, writhe, and whirl, trying to get the "I" out of the experience. We pretend that we are amoebas, and try to protect ourselves from life by splitting ourselves in two. Sanity, wholeness, and integration lie in the realization that we are not divided, that man and his present experience are one, and that no separate "I" or mind can be found.

And ... (bolding is mine for emphasis)

If, on the other hand, you are aware of fear, you realize that, because this feeling is now yourself, escape is impossible. You see that calling it "fear" tells you little or nothing about it, for the comparison and the naming is based not on past experience, but on memory. You have then no choice but to be aware of it with your whole being as an entirely new experience. Indeed, every experience is in this sense new, and at every moment in our lives we are in the midst of the new and the unknown. At this point, you receive the experience without resisting it or naming it, and the whole sense of conflict between "I" and the present reality vanishes.

And finally ...

When, on the other hand, you realize that you live in, that indeed you are this moment now, and no other, that apart from this there is no past and no future, you must relax and taste [life] to the full, whether it be pleasure or pain. At once it becomes obvious why this universe exists, why conscious beings have been produced, why sensitive organs, why space, time and change. The whole problem of justifying nature, of trying to make life mean something in terms of its future, disappears utterly. Obviously, it all exists for this moment. It is a dance, and when you are dancing you are not intent on getting somewhere. You go round and round, but you are not under the illusion that you are pursuing something, or fleeing from the jaws of hell.

I find myself circling around these teachings, coming ever closer to just diving all the way in. Today on my morning walk, I was almost brought to tears by the overwhelming joy of simply being able to breathe.

I still feel separated from my experience most of the time, but I think the borders are becoming a bit more diffuse. Not that it matters, really. As long as I sense borders, I can fully embrace and explore the experience of having edges.

And if they happen to drop away, I can fully experience what it feels like to blend. It's all the same when it comes right down to it ... just greet each experience with awareness.

There's no hierarchy of experience -- none more spiritual or evolved than any other -- although some are certainly more pleasurable. Nothing I need to earn or deserve. Just a moment at a time to be lived. And if I miss one for whatever reason, there will be another right on its heels.

dancing inmates

Somehow I missed their first performance -- of Thriller, apparently.
Not sure how great it is for morale to have a bunch of inmates singing they don't really care about us in their heads constantly, but still, this is a pretty cool vid.

an intriguing attempt to reduce poverty

I found this to be an interesting approach to a complex issue: http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/health/july-dec09/mexico_12-29.html

Here's an excerpt:

Started 12 years ago by the Mexican government, the program, called Oportunidades -- or Opportunities -- gives a small subsidy every other month to poor mothers, like Santo Domingo resident Sixta Orcasita.

But there is a catch, one that separates Oportunidades from traditional welfare plans. Orcasita and millions of mothers like her across Mexico must first sign a contract to raise healthier, better-educated children.

Orcasita has six children. Both she and her husband, Eraclio Bello, never made it past grade school. To get their cash, they must keep their youngest children, 15-year-old Karina and 13-year-old Alex, in school. They must also bring them in for regular checkups at the health clinic.

And Sixta Orcasita must participate in monthly nutrition classes, so she can cook healthier meals for the family. Attendance is monitored, and the monthly allotment of cash, about $60 for each child, plus a monthly food stipend, will be quickly pulled if mothers fail to get their children to school or clinic. The goal is to break the cycle of poverty.

my trip to the museum

My daughter and I spent the day at the Museum of Nature and Science yesterday. I have trouble conceptualizing time and space, and really big amounts of either usually just send my brain into tilt. So I was happy that the museum exhibits did a nice job of breaking things down to my level of understanding.

For example, I learned that scientists estimate the age of the earth at 4.5 billion years, and that if I started right this minute counting to one billion, it would take me 32 years to get there. So for all practical intents and purposes, I think it's fair to say the earth is REALLY OLD.

I also learned that 99% of all species that have ever existed on this planet are extinct. Ninety nine percent!! And the average temperature has vacillated between great extremes of heat and cold over the earth's lifespan. Apparently extinction and global climate change were occurring long before humanity hit the scene.

Suddenly it seemed sort of quaint and amusing to me that humans, who are basically a microscopic blip on the timeline of our planet, are trying so diligently to prevent global warming and preserve endangered species.

Not that there's anything wrong with trying, if that's what floats your boat! But it seems like it may amount to nothing more (or less!) than building castles in the sand. If you happen to love building castles, or environmental activism, then by all means, go for it with gusto. But do it for the joy of the process, not the outcome. Because the outcome is in the hands of forces far beyond our control.

In the car on the way home, I told my daughter how I used to be quite the Earth Mama. I was big into recycling, saving the environment, stopping war, ethical veganism, yadda yadda yadda. And I told her how sure I had been that people who weren't being 'good stewards of the earth like me' were wrong.

As I spoke, I realized how little of my activism back then came from a place of joy or peace. It mostly came from a place of feeling fearful about the future, and wanting desperately to avoid the destruction of things I held dear. She said, "Gosh mom, you are such a different person now! I'm sure glad you got over that, or I might have followed right in your footsteps!"

I'm glad I got over it, too. And embarrassed about the judgment and arrogance I carried for so many years. *Sigh* I guess we all have our learning curves!

These days, I try to navigate using joy as my North Star, rather than targeting my actions toward preventing catastrophic outcomes from happening. Although I still slip back into prevention mode at times, I've definitely relaxed a lot.

I'm in no way implying that all environmentalists or activists come from a place of fear! I have no doubt that it's possible to be an activist simply because you just love the experience of doing so. But that wasn't the reason I was doing it. And so, many of my ideal-based goals and actions have faded away.

I still recycle and carry cloth shopping bags, but not because I think I'll save the earth by doing so. It just feels good to me to do these things for now. And I no longer try to convince anyone else that they should recycle or conserve, because that kind of interaction is simply not fun for me.

In the big scheme of things, nothing lasts. Everything is only temporary. Genghis Khan's empire crumbled, and even the most carefully preserved mummies eventually decayed. But rather than depressing me, my trip to the museum only increased my motivation to deliberately choose what I want to experience in each moment.

Because when it comes right down to it, history seems to confirm that every creation will eventually be destroyed. So there doesn't seem to be any redeeming justification for suffering in order to create what amounts to a sandcastle.

Mining all the joy I can from each moment is the only thing that seems practical. I happen to love creating some sandcastles, even though I know they will not last. To me, it's fun to write these posts, raise my kids, and bake cookies. So as long as it continues to be fun, I'll keep building. And when the waves level my creations, I'll just start making new ones.

another game I've been playing

Starting with my feet, I focus my attention on a particular body part and keep it there until I feel that part starting to tingle, buzz, or pulsate. Then I move upward, focusing on one part at a time, until my whole body feels gently activated and energized.

And by that time, I've forgotten whatever I had been obsessing about.

across the universe

I bet I've heard this Beatles song a thousand times.
And this morning, I suddenly understand it at a completely different level.

In honor of that which is unperturbable within us all:



Words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which
dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a
restless wind inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as
they make their way across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Jai guru deva
Jai guru deva

morning blessing

just heard about this site in an email newsletter: http://www.angelaperegoff.blogspot.com/

Check out this simple and beautiful blessing for moving awareness out of the mind into the heart. It's from her post on Friday January 15th:

Place the palm of one hand on the forehead over the 3rd eye.

Affirm 3 times, "I am clear."

Take a deep breath in and let it out with a sigh.

Now move your hand and place it over your heart.

Affirm 3 times, "I am here."


*********

in hindsight

There's a certain stretch of road on my way home from Costco that always makes me wax poetic. Maybe it's some kind of energetic vortex or something?

Anyway, today as I drove home with my trunk full of good things in mass quantities and my belly full of one of those famous Costco hot dogs, I found myself feeling deeply grateful for the divorce that was oh so traumatic for me so many years ago. Now that I think about it, I bet the profusion of silver-haired couples at the store was the trigger.

Way back when I got married at the tender age of 21, I fully expected that me and my husband would be one of those couples who would go grocery shopping together in our golden years.

Several people have confided in me that they knew before or even during their walk down the aisle that their marriage would not last. I was not one of those people. I harbored no shred of doubt that we would be together for a lifetime.

I think that's why the end of my marriage was so totally devastating to me. I felt like the proverbial canary in the coal mine -- one minute I was chirping happily, blissfully unaware of the impending lack of oxygen. The next, I was out cold.

It was me who felt compelled nine years into our marriage to tell him that my integrity required me to revise my wedding vows, because I could only promise to be as truthful as I could with him and myself as each moment unfurled.

It was me whose ability to commit to my husband until death do us part transformed so suddenly into for as long as we are growing and happy together, and if we happen to make it to forever one day at a time, that's fine with me.

So I couldn't blame him for being shocked and upset. Heck, I was too. This change was more than the end of our marriage -- it was the end of my innocence. It ripped my trust in myself right out from under me. It killed my forevers forever. There was no going back to the days when I could believe in myself or what I thought to be true.

Next month my son will turn nineteen -- the age his father and I were when we met. I look at him and his friends, and for the first time, I really understand why so many of my mentors and professors begged me not to get married so young. And at the same time, I know in my bones that everything happens perfectly and for a reason. I may not have given birth to these two amazing children had I heeded their advice!

In any case, when I got married a week after graduation I knew next to nothing about being independent as an adult. I had never lived alone or fully supported myself financially. I did not have any sense of my own resilience and competence. I did not know myself as an independent energy - I only knew who I was as part of a We.

I was not yet aware of the insidious poison that oozes slowly from every compromise. I did not know from experience that there really are a lot of fish in the sea, and that I could fall in love with so many of them.

I also did not know that I could rebound - that my heart could break and heal over and over and over again, and it would only become deeper and stronger in the process. I did not know that there would always be another man to love, and that I could enjoy each relationship so completely even when there were no guarantees of a future together.

If not for that divorce, and the subsequent breakups of the relationships since then, I still might not know these things. So if I could go back in time to comfort that terrified me who did not know if she could make it on her own, I would tell her without hesitation that she can, she will, and she will be glad she did.

thinking is overrated, I think

Wanted to report that some results are trickling in on my latest hare-brained experiment in non-thought. To refresh your memory, since lord knows I have a lot of Experiment Irons in the fire at any given moment, this is the one where I don't allow my mind to contemplate, ruminate, or cogitate on anything that is not right in front of me at the moment.

My mental tendencies really come out of the closet during my daily walks. My mind seems to believe that since my feet have everything handled externally, it can run willy nilly internally and spaz out about all kinds of crap that is coming up in my life. The range of subjects that it can cover in a hour is stunning. And almost all of them are prefaced by What am I going to do about ....?

I've come to understand that this is actually some kind of addiction playing itself out. My best hypothesis for the moment is that my mind really really REALLY likes to feel important. And solving problems seems like Very Important Work, much like Winnie the Pooh is a Very Important Bear. So my mind is addicted to maintaining a sense of self-importance. Which is kinda cute except that it can be so dang annoying.

Anyway, back to my experiment: when I notice that my attention is engaged in solving a problem that does not actually require an immediate solution, I call it back to the moment by giving it something concrete to do, like notice the pressure on my third toe as I walk. Which, by the way, remains next to impossible for me. There seems to be a black hole in my body awareness right there. So it's a worthy challenge.

Since my dedication to this practice has increased recently, it means I haven't solved any problems in a while. And shocker of all shockers, my life has not ground to a halt due to this severe and pervasive solution deficiency.

For example, one day it occurred to me out of the blue that getting involved in probation sounded like fun. No, not as a criminal! More like as a probation officer. So I hopped online and found that our local probation department accepts volunteers. Before I knew it, I was sitting in an office in the justice building listening to the volunteer coordinator tell me about an opportunity to work with teenage girls. How cool is that?

But here's the thing: I did not THINK this into being. I followed my nose, not my mind. I did not make a plan, a list, a chart, or a graph. I did not map out baby steps toward my desired goal. I did not imagine how great it would be to have what I want. I simply acted on inspiration in the moment, choosing my next step by heading in the direction that seemed the most fun and interesting.

Can I really live my whole life this way?

And it could work out just fine?

Oh my.

The truth is, and I better whisper this because I don't want to hurt my poor mind's feelings -- it really doesn't know all that much about the future.

Actually, it knows nothing.

Shhhh. Poor little thing. Let's give it some privacy to digest that news slowly.

All these years, I have only allowed myself to invest in a future that my conscious mind could envision, analyze, comprehend, and prepare for. But that mind is just a tiny little room, with no space for magic, mystery, or miracles. So some renovations are in order.

Besides, I think the walls are already starting to crumble ...

the road less traveled

I took the path less traveled on my hike this morning. And I learned that sometimes, such as when the trails are icy and snowpacked, taking the road less traveled means you have to work a lot harder, you progress more slowly but get tired faster, and you end up backtracking and looking for a more traveled route.

Which as the revered Mr. Frost mentioned, does indeed make all the difference, but not in a way that I'm excited about at the moment. And that's all I have to say for now.

stacking the deck for compatibility

Here's the post I mentioned about William Glasser's book, Staying Together. It seems to be out of print, but from what I can gather, it's been updated and morphed into sort of a newer edition, called Getting Together and Staying Together: Solving the Mystery of Marriage. As always, this post is about my interpretation of his work, so please read his book for a completely accurate representation of his theories.

William Glasser is the founder of Control Theory, sometimes called Choice Theory, which suggests that we really only have control over ourselves and no one else. So if we think changes need to be made in a relationship, we are the one who is responsible for making them. He suggests that all human behavior is an attempt to satisfy these five basic needs: survival, love, power, freedom, and fun.

My colleague and I created our own parenting model, Inspiring Connections, which parallels his theory in a way that is sort of spooky. We also identified what we call Five Core Needs: Autonomy, Basic Survival, Connection, Contribution, and Creativity. In our workshops, we teach parents how to help their children learn constructive and socially appropriate strategies for meeting these needs. So his theory makes a lot of sense to me.

What I learned from Glasser is that this model can provide significant insight into relationship dynamics when we realize that each of us prioritize these needs differently. He suggests rating the importance of each need for each person on a scale of 1-5, and then comparing them to determine whether a partnership seems to have genuine long term potential.

It was pretty enlightening for me to map out my priorities and compare them with my best estimate of the priorities of my past relationship partners. I could see pretty clearly what I had missed while I was blinded by love -- that some priorities are inherently more compatible than others. Although there are always exceptions, in most cases love is simply not enough to overcome deeply mismatched need priorities.

For example, I have a very high survival need, so I won't be a good match for someone who doesn't. I'm just not a big physical risk taker. Odds are I would be constantly freaked out and scared by driving fast, high risk sports, or traveling through a foreign country without reservations. I would feel destabilized in those situations, whereas a man who enjoys that kind of adventure and ranks fun as a higher priority than survival would probably feel stifled by my need for security. And indeed, that is exactly what happened in one of my past relationships.

Other examples:

- Someone who doesn't need a lot of love and affection is likely to feel smothered by a partner who is physically expressive and prefers a lot of contact and communication.

- Two people who prioritize freedom fairly equally can be a good match, whereas a major difference in this area can lead to a pursuer/distancer dynamic that is painful and frustrating.

- A high need for power and a low need for power can work well together. Put two equally high needs for power in a relationship, and things can turn ugly very quickly.

As I mapped out my own priorities, it became very obvious what priorities would be most compatible in a mate. Now my next challenge will be to remind myself to investigate this issue before I get too deeply involved with anyone.

I'd like to think that I've experienced enough painful mismatches to have gathered the motivation to do my homework first. Only time will tell ...

urgency schmurgency

I love that whenever I talk to clients or friends, I always end up saying what I myself most need to hear:

The part of you that is calling for a BIG decision, whether it be about career, relationship, housing, or whatever, is the Mind, not the Heart.

It is the mind that creates urgency and desperation. It truly believes it cannot go one minute longer without a resolution. It hates ambiguity. Its job is to push for an action, a solution. It tells you to Just DO something about this! Anything! RIGHT NOW! because it doesn't think you can handle the pain of uncertainty.

The heart doesn't ask for big decisions or big declarations. It just rests quietly in loving stillness, taking each moment as it comes. It does not fear the future. It is okay with uncertainty, mystery, and unresolved situations. It knows that solutions and futures, like blooming flowers, usually unfurl themselves without assistance when the time is right.

So despite what the mind is saying, you don't need to force yourself to decide or act. You can wait, listen, watch for opportunities. Open to what is around you right now. Take note of what brings you joy, and look for small ways to increase that. Huge leaps of faith are rarely necessary. You can almost always get where you want to go in baby steps.

Don't let your mind terrorize you with its demands that you act or decide. It's actually just like the Wizard of Oz. Pull back the curtain and you'll see.

The mind is really just a tiny little part of you; so desperate to be important that it goes to great lengths to appear big and powerful. Which is very cute. But the heart, well, the heart is huge. Bottomless. Infinitely more trustable than that capricious little mind. Its grounded and loving guidance is always worth waiting for.

Nine times out of ten, when you think you simply must make a decision, you actually don't have to. It's a rare situation when you can't afford to get out of your mind for a while, even if only for one full breath. Let the panic and should-ing subside a bit. Settle into your heart, and see what you find there.

boot camp for the mind

My mind has been taking the rest of me on some wild and uncomfortable rides during our downtime lately. It stays nicely on track during work or interactions with others -- it's the unstructured time that has been unpleasant. I think perhaps both me and it need to go back to basic training to restore some sense of supportive order and structure.

Here's what I will be experimenting with for the next few days. To help me remember, I'm printing out a few copies of this post and hanging them up around my house.

List of Sanctioned Activities for the Idle Mind

1) Appreciation

2) Noticing and Acknowledging What Is


If the mind is unable or unwilling to do either of those things, it can choose from this:

List of Pre-approved Strategies for Getting Back on Task with the Sanctioned Activities

1) EFT or TAT

2) Energetic corrections or alignments (Yuen, Now Healing)

3) Hoponopono (I love you, I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you)

4) The Work of Byron Katie

5) Singing or chanting


Notably absent from this list:

1) Calculating

2) Evaluating

3) Comparing

4) Ruminating

5) Reminiscing

6) Fantasizing

7) Rehearsing

8) Solving

9) Predicting

10) Worrying


Mind, are we clear?

I said, ARE WE CLEAR?
(hee hee hee, that's my inner drill sergeant talking there.)

Sir, yes sir. Crystal clear.

AND WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WHEN WE CATCH OURSELVES GETTING INVOLVED IN AN ACTIVITY THAT IS NOT ON THIS LIST?

Sir, get back to the list, sir.

THAT'S RIGHT. NOW GO GET STARTED.

I hope I actually remember to do this ... it sounds like fun.

thoughts on nonduality, which will probably make no sense unless you are already familiar with Advaita

I'm actually revisiting this Advaita/NonDuality stuff by reading John Wheeler's The Light Behind Consciousness. Years ago I attended satsang with Gangaji and various other teachers as they visited Boulder. I borrowed and purchased many books, by Ramesh Balsekar and others. My copy of Wayne Liquorman's book No Way: A Guide for the Spiritually "Advanced" (which he authored as Ram Tzu) is dog eared from being read so often.

I'm noticing that I'm not quite ready or willing to give up the notion of a Self yet. I'm still enjoying it. I like the play of Lila ... the hiding and seeking and finding.

I still like creative visualization, the Work, EFT, and the other games we can play with our seemingly separate selves. I figure the idea of a Self will dissolve sooner or later all on its own, so I'm in no hurry to rush it along.

I've never really been a seeker, so to speak. More of a hedonist, I'd say! Not interested in enlightenment, not trying to achieve true liberation ... just hoping to ease my suffering a bit when it arises. I am probably still quite deeply attached to my ego identity, and I'm feeling fine about that state of affairs for now.

In Wheeler's book, he says awareness, love, and truth are identical, and comprise All There Is. At the core, I think all the philosophies and models I study are basically saying that same thing.

Some approach this central concept through cognitive channels (The Work), some energetic (EFT, Yuen), some mental (Advaita, Science of Mind, Eckhart Tolle), and some are physical (yoga, chi gong).

But essentially, they all seem to suggest that the evaluation of ourselves, each other, and our circumstances is the root cause of suffering, while love and acceptance are the remedies.

ps: if you groove on this nonduality stuff, check out jeff's post. he's my soul brother (I have lots of soul sisters, but he's my first soul brother...) and we are clearly running on parallel tracks lately! http://joyanddisquiet.blogspot.com/2010/01/just-because.html

contamination

My daughter baked the most beautiful cookies tonight. She intended to take them to school to share with friends, but eventually gave in to my begging and let me have just one. I chomped into it with glee, freezing mid-munch when I suddenly noticed that it tasted strange.

A few minutes of sleuthing and sniffing in the kitchen revealed our culprit: the cinnamon bottle.

See, I buy spices in bulk, and they are packaged in plastic bags. I fill up my little glass bottles, then throw the bags in a big plastic tub with a lid in my pantry for storage until I need to refill the bottles.

Well, folks, apparently either cumin or curry or both are quite volatile spices. Volatile, is that the right word? Severely aromatic? Anyway, their aromas penetrated all the other plastic bags, including the cinnamon. So the cinnamon that I refilled my spice bottle with last week was distinctly cumin/curry flavored. Need I say more? Does ewww suffice?

As I threw out about a dozen bags of spices, my daughter and I were literally rolling on the floor laughing. It's amazing how much havoc one little improperly contained spice can wreak!

We decided the cookies were fine if you didn't expect them to taste cinnamon-y. We renamed them Sugar and Spice Cookies, which we thought was also hilarious. And since they won't hurt anyone, she's taking them to school anyway to see what happens. Some kids like weird stuff. Besides, they might taste great with coffee!

Anyway, there's surely some kind of moral in there, but I don't feel like digging for it right now. Please post a comment if one suggests itself to you!

Recipe is pasted below. They turned out great at high altitude here in CO. They are chewy and bend then break off in your mouth like my favorite kind of ginger snaps: http://www.glueandglitter.com/main/2009/10/02/brown-sugar-cookies/

Vegan Brown Sugar Cookies

1c whole wheat flour
1t baking powder
1/4t salt
1 t cinnamon (sniff it first!)
2/3c light brown sugar
1/4c canola oil
1t vanilla
2T water

Preheat the oven to 350°.
Combine the flour, baking powder, salt and cinnamon in a large bowl, mixing well.
In a smaller bowl, mix the sugar, oil, vanilla and water, until everything is dissolved.
Pour the wet mixture into the dry and mix well.
Spoon the dough onto the cookie sheets, flattening each cookie a little.
You can even use cookie cutters to do fun shapes! If you’re going to cut out shapes, you might want to chill the dough for to let it firm up a bit.
Bake for 10-12 minutes.
Make sure you let them cool before serving.
Makes about 1 dozen.

rear view

Even when a car has that little warning printed on the side mirror that says, "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear," accidents still happen due to blind spots.

I've been reading this super cool book called Deep Survival: Who Lives, Who Dies, and Why, which illuminates the inherently human perceptual and cognitive distortions that can actually kill us.

It explains why smart people make seemingly stupid choices that mystify onlookers and even themselves. It's a fascinating read -- right up my alley. I'm sure I'll be writing a lot more about it.

Anyway, inspired no doubt by my bedtime reading, this morning one of own cognitive distortions revealed itself to me. I labeled it, "Events in the past seem a lot more pleasant than they actually were."

I was musing about the relationship pattern that came to my attention recently courtesy of a bad haircut. I was laughing at myself (kindly, with great compassion) for actually thinking that maybe I should give the stylist another shot.

I was amused because of course that's what I always think right before I get back together with a man I've broken up with. He's a great guy, we have so much going for us, maybe just a teensy little adjustment will bring it all back into balance again. It's worth a try!

Seems the farther away in time I get from an experience or a relationship, the more romanticized and idealized the memory of it becomes. My hindsight is definitely not 20/20. It's highly distorted. Only the fun stuff sticks around. When I replay a memory, it's like watching the past through a soft, rosy lens. Sometimes, there's even an accompanying soundtrack!

And that's fine. It makes reminiscing about the past a nice, pleasant experience for me. The problem comes in when I try to make a decision based on my memories -- when I compare or contrast, or take inventory, or re-evaluate.

Wait, is it true that the farther away I get the sweeter the memory is? No, not always. Not all of my memories stay positively charged forever. Sometimes the distortion is curved. For a few weeks after a breakup or decision, the memories are highly positive -- maybe that's so I can cry a lot and get some good grieving in -- and then after a certain point, the recollections do seem to become a bit more balanced, giving me access to both the pleasant and not-so-pleasant stuff. So maybe sometimes it's more like a blind spot than a mirror distortion.

And maybe even my perception of this distortion is distorted! It never really ends, does it? It's dang near impossible to see yourself clearly.

In any case, I'd like to post a warning in my mind that says, "Memories appear more positive than they are, and are for entertainment purposes only. DO NOT make any actual decisions based on what you see here."

Now if only I could invent the mental equivalent of a post-it ...

the magnifying mirror

Ever heard the expression How you do one thing is how you do everything? Well, if that's true, then my hair has just gifted me with a major insight into my relationship patterns.

Let me explain. I wore my hair long and straight for many years. And then, a couple summers ago, I started feeling like that hair was no longer mine. So I got it cut off by the stylist I'd been seeing for years, surrendering myself to her capable hands. And I loved the result.

Soon after the big cut, her salon closed and she left town. I was a little freaked out. How would I find someone else that I trusted with my hair as much as her? Because I am too lazy to use products or style it, I needed someone who could give me a true wash and wear cut, which wasn't easy with my stick straight mane.

So my search began for someone who understood how to work with thick, fine, straight hair. I spent an embarrassing amount of money, which I really don't have for things like this, trying to find a new stylist. Also, I walked around with crappy haircuts for close to a year.

And then, this fall, fate led me to a new salon. I called on a Saturday morning, and wonder of wonders, a stylist had just had a cancellation and could see me right away.

I loved my new haircut. She GOT my hair! It looked exactly how I wanted it to look! She understood my hair, really understood it. She even cut it dry so she could work with its quirks.

And I liked her. She was softspoken, sweet, and kind, with such a nice smile. I gave her a big tip and left feeling sure I had found my stylist for life. I was so happy that I could stop the search and settle into a nice, stable long-term hair relationship. I thought my bad haircut days were over.

Eight weeks later, I went back for my second cut -- openhearted, happy to see her, fully expecting a repeat performance. About halfway through I realized she had forgotten what she did the first time. I watched in shock as the cut progressed, trying in vain to find the right words to express what I wanted instead. I left holding back tears. Maybe I was unclear. Maybe she just couldn't do it this time for some reason.

I returned the next day, after washing it and seeing exactly how choppy and uneven it really was. I redoubled my effort to communicate very, very clearly what I wanted. I even used my hands to show her.

She apologized profusely the second she laid eyes on me, and did her best to fix it. She even took notes in her client book, so she would remember what my hair needed next time. I was comforted by that, and resigned myself to a few more months of ugly hair while it grew out.

But still, I had faith in her. She'd given me the best cut of my life, so I knew she had it in her. I told her and myself that it would take some time to establish our relationship, and I was willing to be patient with the process. Yesterday, I sat down in her chair once again.

This time, I knew my communication was crystal clear. I had spent a lot of time figuring out how to explain what I wanted, even running the explanation by my daughter to test its clarity before I went. The stylist said she understood exactly what to do.

And I'll be darned ... I walked out of there with another crappy haircut that was not at all what I wanted!!

As I got in my car, I said to myself, "I've given her enough chances. I was as clear as I know how to be, and this is not what I asked for. I won't be coming back here again."

Yet when I woke up this morning - I swear I am not making this up - I thought, But I loved that first cut so much! Maybe I wasn't clear enough. Maybe I should give her just one more chance ...

AARGH!! This truly is the way I think, for better and for worse. I see people's innocence. I see their good intentions. I wake up every morning with a clean mental slate, and hope springs eternal in my heart.

And far too often, I do not notice that sometimes, people are unable, unwilling, or un-something of following through on their good intentions.

I give a lot of chances. I give the benefit of the doubt. I try and try to find the right words, as if communication is the magic formula that will set everything right. As if any problem in the relationship is my fault, because I was simply not clear enough.

My kids have endured this quality of mine for years. It means I stay in relationships far longer than they would prefer. It means I try too hard to make things work. It means I cut a lot of slack. It means I focus too much on people's potential and not enough on their actual. It means I endeavor to call forth that greatness I see inside people, and to be fair, I am successful at times, but it's usually not very sustainable.

So every morning when I look in the mirror and see this haircut that I did not want, I can be reminded of how well that approach is working for me. Since it's probably not likely that I will turn into a cynic any time soon, I wonder what kind of checks and balances I could put into place to bring more discernment to my relationships. It will be interesting to see what develops organically from this new awareness.

ps: Oh, look at this! right after I published this, I went to read my email and this was waiting for me:

The realization that something is not as you want it to be is an important first step, but once you have identified that, the faster you are able to turn your attention in the direction of a solution, the better, because a continuing exploration of the problem will prevent you from finding the solution. The problem is a different vibrational frequency than the solution—and all thoughts (or vibrations) are affected by (or managed by) the Law of Attraction.

--- Abraham

So, right then, what do I want instead? I want to open my eyes all the way, to see both the potential and the actual. I want to continue to see with kindness, and I want to exercise more discernment, and take more time before getting deeply involved in or committed to a relationship. That'll do for starters.

neurobics ... exercises for your brain

I am completely intrigued by this concept, and ordered the book on amazon immediately. But I plan to start my brain workouts even before it arrives, by using my left hand for things I normally do right-handed, like brushing my teeth and holding my fork.

I swear I can feel new neural connections growing in my brain already, just from thinking about it! I have been aware that over the years my left hand has become increasingly uncoordinated, but now realize maybe it's not the actual muscles at fault, but rather that the area of my brain that controls my left hand has atrophied a bit due to being understimulated. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

Keep Your Brain Alive: 83 Neurobic Exercises

conversation encouragers and discouragers

I woke up this morning knowing with crystal clarity that I did not feel good about yesterday's post. I don't want to endorse or perpetuate the application of a label as strong as 'abuse' in regard to the failure to acknowledge and respect someone's right to feel how they feel, because it may simply stem from ignorance rather than malintent. So I took that post down and revised it significantly. Here's version 2.0:

In the process of googling something else, I stumbled upon a list of rather commonly used expressions that may come across as invalidating of someone's right to feel how they feel.

No doubt many people who say this type of thing have good intentions, while other people may be in so much pain or confusion that they do actually intend to shut people down.

Since most of us here want our children, mates, and friends talk to us about their thoughts and feelings, I thought it might be helpful to know that even well-intentioned words can shut down the flow of communication.

If you want folks to keep talking to you, try responding with statements that express your understanding of what they just said (empathy and reflection), or your willingness to hear more, rather than trying to shift their perspective or hand them a solution.

Here are some examples of conversation encouragers:

Wow, that sounds tough.
How is that for you?
What's your take on that?

I'm sorry you are hurting.
Sounds like you really didn't like that.
That felt really out of line to you.
Sounds like you wish that had never happened.

Mmm. Uh huh. I hear you. Ohhh.
Silent nod with eye contact.
Move closer and hug them or rub their shoulders.

Here are some examples of conversation discouragers:

Cheer up. Lighten up. Get over it.
Don't cry. Don't worry. Don't be sad.

Stop whining. Deal with it. Forget about it.
Stop complaining. Don't be so dramatic.
You are too sensitive. Don't take it so personally.

You've got it all wrong.
That is ridiculous.
I was only kidding.
That's not the way things are.

Well, I tried to help you.
You are making everyone else miserable.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?

It can't be that bad.
It's not worth getting that upset over.
You are over-reacting.

You should be excited.
You should feel thankful that ____.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.

Don't say that.
You know that isn't true.
You don't mean that.

Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?

Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.

When you are older you will understand.
You are just going through a phase.

Although I don't endorse this guy's site, I do want to give him credit for the unedited version of the second list: http://eqi.org/invalid.htm#Note%20on%20Convo%20with%20Loz

a relationship checklist

not that I believe the subtleties of love or relationship need to be reduced to a magic formula, but I when I discovered this checklist in The Tao of Negotiation: How to Resolve Conflict in All Areas of Your Life, which I found on the business shelf of my local used bookstore, it struck me as both pithy and succinct wisdom.

According to the authors, "the overriding difference between those relationships that work over a long period of time and those that don't has to do with the presence or absence of the following characteristics." I've put the explanations into my own words, so if you want to read the original version, you'll find it on page 186 of the book.


1) The Spark. That hard-to-pin-down-in-words magic called chemistry. Strong attraction with a sense of comfort and compatibility that is not easily explained by how long we have known each other, how much time we have spent together, logic, or reason. They don't mention it in the book, but I'd also include truly enjoying each other's company, and easily having fun together in this category.

2) The intention and the willingness to be aware of and process everything of significance. I think of this as open minds and open hearts. Each is actively curious about the other's experience, as well as willing to take a close look at their own individual contribution to the couple's dynamic. Honest, intimate communication about thoughts and feelings is one of the cornerstones of the relationship.

3) Commonality of purpose, values, and interests. Without this one, the relationship is not likely to be sustainable in the long term. You can have great chemistry and honest communication, but if your individual lives are not on somewhat parallel trajectories in terms of direction and purpose, it might be challenging to stay together. It can and has been been done, of course, most easily by couples who are very committed to #2 above, which would therefore mean they share intention and willingness to process as a common value, and thus they meet this criteria!

Good stuff, eh? I am looking forward to sharing this with my kids as they go forth into the world. And of course, they may still need to figure it out for themselves the hard way, just like I am still doing. :) But at least they will have these concepts in their awareness somewhere.

an interesting perspective on food allergies

It's no secret that I'm a huge fan of EFT, the Emotional Freedom Technique. It's a self-healing modality that involves tapping lightly on various acupressure meridians to reset and rebalance the body, mind, and emotions.

It's fast and easy and effective, and only takes a few minutes to learn. My clients often achieve remarkable results with it. You can even download the training manual for free and read tons of articles about it at founder Gary Craig's website, http://www.emofree.com/.

In today's EFT e-newsletter, a woman shared her experience with using EFT to clear multiple severe food allergies. I wanted to pass it along because it suggests a very intriguing possibility about the true root cause of allergies and sensitivities.

It makes intuitive sense to me that it's not necessarily the substance itself that causes the problem, but rather it may be our unconscious beliefs about our vulnerability that make interacting with our physical environment difficult at times.

EFT gives us a speedy and simple way to change those unconscious beliefs. It's never been shown to have any negative side effects, and the improvement in quality of life can be quite significant. If you decide to give it a try, I'd love to hear how it goes. And I'd be happy to answer any questions about EFT for you if I can. Just drop me an email: karen@karenalonge.com

here's the link to the article from the newsletter:

http://www.emofree.com/Allergy/multiple-food-allergies.htm


take care!
:) karen

the power of body-mind awareness

Check out this inspiring story about a guy with cerebral palsy who experienced profound improvement in his physical abilities via dance and body-mind awareness training.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/25/arts/dance/25palsy.html?_r=1

nobody wins the blame game

Remember that game Hot Potato? We never actually played it with potatoes when we were kids, now that I think of it. But whatever object we had available at the time, we would pretend it was too hot to handle, and throw it up in the air trying to keep it out of our own hands by either keeping it in the air or sending it in the direction of the other guy so he had to catch it.

That's the image that came to me when I was pondering blame this morning. Blame is just like a hot potato -- no one wants to keep it in their own hands, and people don't really appreciate when you throw it in their direction in an attempt to make them catch it so you don't get burned yourself.

When you play this Blame Game, there's no winner. Even if you aren't the one who ends up getting burned, you lose the respect and admiration of the one who did, and the relationship suffers.

This is why, when I provide consultations about relationship issues, I often recommend letting the blame potato cool before initiating a conversation. When blame is hot, all we can think of is getting rid of it. And all the other guy can think of when he sees us coming is running away!

When the potato cools, we can each examine it more closely, and therefore we are more likely to take responsibility for our own contribution to the dynamic.

Next time you want to resolve a conflict, don't approach the other guy with a hot potato in your hand! Let it cool first. Vent emotional steam with a friend who is not involved. Journal or exercise or yell in your car.

When the potato is be cool enough for you to hold in your own hand without pain as you carry it to the table, then you are ready to initiate a productive conversation.

characters wearing glasses

People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

As I read this the first time, I found myself nodding in agreement. But upon further consideration, something stuck in my craw. (Exactly what IS a craw, anyway? I hope it's not something gross ...)

I do believe that our opinions of the world reveal our beliefs, filters, and perceptual limitations -- what I think of as our lenses or glasses. These inner dynamics limit and define what we are capable of seeing. Our opinions reveal a lot about what kind of glasses we wear, and very little if anything about the world 'out there.'

Tell me the world is pink, and I know you wear rose colored glasses. Tell me you see corruption everywhere, and I know you wear dark glasses. Tell me you see the world as it really is, and I know your glasses are still invisible to you.

It's no biggie. We all wear filters on our perceptions. But are these glasses our character? That's the word that got stuck in my craw. It just seems so ... final, or something.

So I popped over to dictionary.com to see what most people mean when they use this word. The definition was quite long, with over 20 different meanings. I think the one appropriate for this context is: the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person or thing.

The thing is ... I wonder if maybe character is actually who we are underneath those glasses. And I like to believe that once we realize we are wearing them, if we don't like what we see, we can try on some different ones. So I don't want to mistake something temporary (the glasses) for something permanent (the character).

I'm beginning to suspect that almost all of us are on autopilot most of our lives, operating at the mercy of ingrained habits and reactions that seem so much a part of us that we never stop to wonder if we could be any other way. Maybe many of us are walking around in glasses that we have been wearing for so long that we don't even notice them on our noses anymore.

This line of thought was triggered by a recording I listened to recently of an interview with scientist Bruce Lipton, the author of several books including The Biology of Belief: Unleashing the Power of Consciousness, Matter, & Miracles and Spontaneous Evolution: Our Positive Future (and a Way to Get There from Here). My interpretation of his theory is the product of my filters, so please visit his site and/or read his books to learn more if you are interested.

Dr. Lipton contends that our cells are basically receivers rather than generators. They simply do what they are told by a higher authority; which he identifies as the subconscious mind.

He cites brain wave research that suggests that up until age 6 or so, much of what we are told about ourselves, the world, and our experiences goes straight into subconscious storage in our brain without passing through cognitive filters. And those subconscious beliefs then affect our perception -- in effect, they become our glasses.

Subconscious storage can be quite useful. It's what allows us to drive while talking and solve problems while walking. Our brain is wired to create habits and patterns and transfer them into storage so they can run on autopilot, thus freeing up our conscious thought processes and attention to focus on something new. It's a good thing that we don't have to think about putting one foot in front of the other much past the age of 18 months!

Subconscious storage can also be not so useful. If a child under age 6 hears regularly that he will never amount to anything, or that he's stupid, weak, or sickly, those messages don't pass through any kind of reality check before they go into storage and start running on autopilot. The young child's brain is not yet capable of reasoning: "Dad only says that when he's been drinking. It's not about me, it's just the alcohol talking." Instead, the brain wires it in as truth, runs it on autopilot, and suddenly we are looking at the world through Unworthiness glasses.

When the subconscious issues commands, the cells simply comply with the instructions. If the subconscious 'programming command' says you are sickly, your conscious affirmations of health and vitality may not improve your medical condition. The cells are already busy listening to the subconscious. In effect, their hands are over their little ears and they are whistling while they go about their appointed task of making you sick. Your affirmations sound like quiet little blah blah blahs off in the distance.

I find this to be a rather intriguing explanation for why affirmations don't work for everyone. If the conscious affirmation is in conflict with the subconscious message that got programmed in before age six, the subconscious wins. You might affirm many times a day that you are healthy, but your cells continue to act out the instruction from the subconscious that tells them to be weak like your dad said you were, or to be overweight like your mom was because everyone said you looked just like her.

So the strategy Dr. Lipton suggests to resolve this inner conflict is to reprogram the subconscious with messages that support your conscious intentions. This can be done in a variety of ways, including among others energy work, meridian tapping/EFT, meditation, HeartMath coherence, and various releasing techniques. (Of course I only remember the modalities I am familiar with, but I am sure there are tons more!)

What does this have to do with Emerson's quote? When I look at it through the filter of Lipton's work, it seems to me that it may not be a man's character or essence that he reveals in his opinions of the world. Instead, he may be revealing his subconscious beliefs -- his glasses. And those, as we now know, can be changed.

So a man's opinions of the world, in the end, are basically irrelevant as a yardstick for anyone but himself to use for evaluation purposes. And if he wishes, he can view his opinions as arrows that point to the subconscious programming that is running inside him on autopilot, and make changes there if he chooses.

So here's my tweak to Emerson's quote:

Our opinions of the world reveal our subconscious programming. If we don't like what we see, we can change our perception by installing new messages into our subconscious minds.

I'd love to hear your thoughts!

reconfiguring god

Men create gods after their own image, not only with regard to their form, but with regard to their mode of life.

-Aristotle

I've agreed with this premise since the first time I heard it, which was many years ago. What I didn't realize until recently was that regardless of my intellectual stance, the "Old Man in the Sky" image of God was still deeply rooted, quite pervasive, and functioning full steam ahead in some parts of my psyche. (I guess those childhood catechism lessons must have sunk in pretty deep!)

I first became aware of it while I was reading aloud to Adelle, my 95 year old friend with macular degeneration, from her Science of Mind magazine. I can't even remember exactly which article I was reading, but the realization shot through me like a bolt of lightning: Part of me still conceptualizes God as an old guy with a white beard who is judging me. And that part is still trying desperately to earn his approval!

I came home and dug out my copy of The Science of Mind by Ernest Holmes, which I purchased a year ago so I could have well-informed discussions with Adelle about the articles I was reading to her. I randomly opened the book, and here's what I found on page 354:

The best illustration of this is in the creative soil, in which the gardener puts his seed. The soil does not argue nor deny, but goes to work on the seed and begins to create a plant which will represent the type of manifestation inherent, as an idea, in the seed.

That is, from a cucumber seed we get cucumbers; and from a cabbage seed we get cabbages. Always the law maintains the individuality of the seed as it creates the plant; never does it contradict the right of the seed to be what it really is.

And voila, the Bearded God in my psyche fell from his throne. In his place rose a new image: rich, fertile soil. Pure creative life force. Neutral. Nonjudgmental. No longer personified. Not judging, withholding, denying, or even considering the worthiness of me or my desires -- simply supporting the growth of whatever seeds that I choose to plant. And doing so because in some obscure way, I, like you, am an agent through which it can express its creative impulse.

So if I plant a cucumber seed, and after tasting the harvest realize I don't actually like cucumbers, it's not a big deal. I can simply plant a different seed, and harvest a different crop. The fertile soil has no agenda for me or my life. It does not approve or disapprove of my choices, it just germinates them so I can see them more clearly and make adjustments if I want. All just for the fun of it. Creation is the only game in town.

If you'll pardon my mixation* of metaphors, I suddenly visualized the whole gig as a lava lamp. We are little bits of god-lava that separate, leave home, and make interesting shapes, then melt back into the main blob until we heat up enough to form another glob that can separate again. None of the shapes we make are better or more worthy of love than any other.

So now I am picturing us all as god globs jumping on a big toasty trampoline, performing amusing tricks, saying Hey, look at me! And when we crash back into the big blob, it's not a tragedy. Just an opportunity for re-creation.

Hmm. That's quite a deviation from the old bearded guy, huh? I find it infinitely more satisfying.


*no, mixation is not actually a real word. neither is costed. but I like them both anyway, so I'm claiming poetic license.

fascinating article by bruce lipton

here's a brief excerpt from www.brucelipton.com:

The brain, like any governing entity, seeks harmony. Neural harmony is expressed as a measure of congruency between the mind’s perceptions and the life we experience.

An interesting insight into how the mind creates harmony between its perceptions and the real world is frequently illustrated in stage hypnosis shows. A volunteer from the audience is invited onstage, hypnotized, and asked to pick up a glass of water, which the volunteer is told weighs one thousand pounds. With that misinformation, the volunteer struggles unsuccessfully with straining muscles, bulging veins, and perspiration. How can that be? Obviously the glass doesn’t weigh one thousand pounds even though the mind of the subject firmly believes that it does.

To manifest the perceived reality of a thousand pound glass of water, something that cannot be lifted, the hypnotized subject’s mind fires a signal to the muscles used to lift the glass at the same time it fires contradictory signals to the muscles used to set the glass down! This results in an isometric exercise wherein two groups of muscles work to oppose each other, which results in no net movement-but a lot of strain and sweat.

Cells, tissues, and organs do not question information sent by the nervous system. Rather, they respond with equal fervor to accurate life-affirming perceptions and to self-destructive misperceptions. Consequently, the nature of our perceptions greatly influences the fate of our lives.

Read the entire article here:
http://www.brucelipton.com/book-excerpts/the-nature-of-dis-ease

sorting through contradictory advice

posted this at my other blog, www.advice-for-parents.com, and thought some of my readers here may find something useful in it, as well. after all, we receive contradictory advice about all sorts of topics, not just parenting ...

There's certainly no shortage of both solicited and unsolicited parenting advice these days, much of it contradictory:

Spare the rod and spoil the child.
Never hit a child.
Set more limits and boundaries.
Let go of more control.
Loosen the reins.
Tighten the reins.

Ack!

How is a well-intentioned parent supposed to sort through all of this discrepancy?

This question feels especially important to me given the recent deaths of several people during a sweat lodge ceremony. We will never know the whole story, but emerging details seem to suggest that the leader of the ceremony positioned himself as an authority, and some folks may have willingly handed their personal responsibility over to him, at least temporarily.

I wasn't there, so I have no idea what actually happened. Heck, I wouldn't know what was going on inside anyone but myself even if I had been there. But it makes me think about how eager, maybe even desperate, for help we humans can become when we are faced with a problem that deeply rankles us. Sometimes it seems like a huge relief to just hand our problem over to someone else to solve.

For many of us, parenting qualifies as deeply rankling. So we seek help. We read books, we talk to friends, we attend therapy, and we google. Which might even be how you made your way to this very article!

I've said it before, but it bears repeating: You are the expert on your child. The most any professional, friend, or family member can give you is additional ideas for your consideration. It is your job to run those ideas through your own filter and clean out what does not resonate with you before you act.

So I hope no one ever blindly implements my advice. In fact, if I thought any of you were going to do that, I'd stop writing and speaking immediately! It is never my intention to tell you what to do. (Granted, I do get very passionate about this stuff sometimes, and I often neglect to mention that whole 'I am trusting you to run this through your own filter' thing. That's why I posted that permanent disclaimer over there on the sidebar ...)

What I love most is when someone writes to me and says something like, "In my heart of hearts, I have known what my child really and truly needed for years. Many people told me I was wrong. After reading your article, I finally found the courage to try it. And it works!"

It is my intention to share strategies and concepts with you that have worked for me or others. I trust that you will not swallow them whole, but will chew them, savor them, roll them around in your mouth a while to see how they taste, and spit out whatever you find indigestible.

When I am doing this advice-sorting process for myself, there are a few things I tune into. For one, I'll run the idea through my common sense filter. Does it make sense to me? Do I have any past experiences that suggest this might or might not be a viable option in my current situation?

Then, I'll run it through my heart to see if I feel expansion or contraction when I think about implementing the advice. I check for feelings of warmth or coolness, connection or disconnection.

Then it gets the gut check. For me, it's sort of a basic uh-huh or nuh-uh feeling. Yes feels like outward motion, no feels like bumping up against a wall. No feels sort of stubborn and stuck, while Yes feels like a flowing stream.

(It's challenging to put these feelings into words, and the feelings will be different for each person, but my hope is that when you read about my signals, it will help you become more aware of your own.)

If the suggestion or advice passes all these tests, I start to experiment with it. I remind myself of my goal, and take stock of whether I seem to be getting closer to it or farther from it when I implement the advice.

If the advice doesn't work where the rubber hits the road, I don't care how good it sounded in theory. And conversely, if the advice takes me where I want to go, I don't really care about the age, credentials, personal habits, or hypocrisy of the person who gave it to me. I just take the info and go my own way with it.

So if you decide to give anything I suggest a try, please also pay attention to how you feel while doing it, and whether it is taking your relationship with your child where you want it to go.

There's a tremendous variety of parenting options out there. I hope you'll keep sampling until you find a model that works for both you and your child.

For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/

a random act of kindness I never thought of doing

On my morning walk, I noticed a woman on the path with her dog's leash in one hand, and a plastic grocery bag in the other. Because I am nothing if not curious, I wondered to myself why she was carrying that big bag.

My curiosity was satisfied seconds later, when she told her dog to sit, reached in the grocery bag and pulled out a plastic newspaper bag, and then used it to pick up a big ol' dog poop off the sidewalk. The kicker? Her dog hadn't done it. She was picking up poop from other people's dogs!

So of course I had to talk to her. As we passed each other I stopped and thanked her. I got a closer look at that grocery bag, too. It was chock full of poop from other people's dogs.

I told her I'd never ever seen anyone do what she was doing, and how much I appreciated her kindness. She said, "Oh, quite a few people do this, actually. It sure makes Louisville a nicer place to live."

Can you believe this? I was stunned. And humbled. And thrilled to have met a genuine good samaritan who matter-of-factly and anonymously contributes to the well being of so many others. What an inspiration!

attention, please

today's abraham-hicks.com daily quote:

People often believe that they would feel so much better if their mate would just change in this way or that way, but that truly is a backward approach to things.

When you say, "I'll feel better if you will make this change in your behavior or personality", what you are actually saying is, "My happiness is dependent upon your willingness and ability to modify your behavior; therefore I am powerless."

The reason why so many people are so hard on those they live or interact with is because everyone inherently wants to be happy, but they also believe that their happiness is dependent upon things over which they have no control.

- Abraham-Hicks


It's impossible for me to hear this reminder too often or in too many different ways. It's just so dang easy to forget that I always have a choice about what to think about and focus my attention on, regardless of what is going on around me!

Come to think of it, I have that same choice regardless of what is going on within me, as well. I've written before about my grandpa, who when asked how he was doing, would say that his top half was feeling great (and chose not to mention that the circulation problems in his legs were creating significant pain in his bottom half.)

I have a ways to go on that one. When my head hurts, I find it next to impossible to notice that my feet don't! But it's a process, and I'm okay with that.

Lately, I've been feeling quite grateful that it seems to be getting easier to simply re-direct my attention as soon as I notice that it has been on autopilot and is focused on something out of my control. Rather than getting upset that I am not more mentally disciplined and did not notice sooner, my inner critic seems to have mellowed out some.

Instead of hearing a harsh mental voice asking, "What is wrong with you? Why can't you get this figured out?" I'm hearing a kind and gentle one crooning, "That's okay. You can just shift your attention right now."

I don't know by what grace my own mind has become a friendlier place than it used to be, but I sure hope the trend continues.

another act of kindness

My son sent me this link. He knows how much I love stories about people helping each other. This time, a major corporation, FedEx, was one of the benefactors:

http://www.ky3.com/news/local/63330872.html

kindness in the news

Tough times can call forth the best in people.

Check out this cool story of a genuine real life good guy -- a landlord who refused to evict his tenants when they lost their jobs, and instead took a job himself to tide him over until the tenants find work and get caught up on their rent again.

http://www.heraldonline.com/front/story/1623663.html

seeing the light on non-attachment

This morning on my walk around the lake, I found myself breaking into a grin as a older couple jogged past me. It cracked me up to recall how fervently I had longed to be part of a marriage like that when I was younger. Aww, heck, who am I kidding? I probably felt that way as recently as a few years ago.

But something within me has fundamentally changed since then. No longing arose to have what they were having. There was no story playing in my mind about how wonderful my life would be if I was in that kind of marriage. I simply witnessed them together, enjoyed the sweetness of it, and then my attention moseyed on to the next thing.

Can I tell you what a relief this is? Because had they crossed my path several years ago, my mind would probably have gone into overdrive listing all the ways my life would be better if only I was in a relationship like that. I smile/shudder to think of the energy I expended trying to make my relationships fit that picture.

And now, well, it's hard for me to believe that having/not having, being/not being, doing/not doing anything different would have any kind of substantial impact on my sense of well being.

That's not to say that I may not be carrying some subconscious energetic leftovers of longing - I probably am. I'm just sayin' it's really awesome that I don't have to listen to those mental loops play through my conscious mind anymore.

It's lovely to feel content with my life, exactly as it is right now. Open to what the future may bring, knowing that it will surely be interesting. In no hurry to get anywhere, because there is no longer anywhere else to go. Just writin' my little postcards from Now Here.

frenemies

I'm experiencing another synchronistic convergence of ideas today, this time about the value of "enemies."

I've written before about the children's book The Little Soul and the Sun: A Children's Parable Adapted from Conversations With God in which the author, Neale Donald Walsch, suggests that perhaps our most despised enemies here on Earth are actually our closest friends on a soul level. Who but a dear sweet friend would agree to perform the seemingly dastardly acts that so often inspire us to grow our roots and expand our wings?

Today I watched the movie Milk. The main character, Harvey Milk, a gay man who was elected to the office of City Supervisor in San Francisco in the 70's, expressed a similar sentiment about a famous singer who vehemently and vociferously campaigned for the repeal of several local ordinances that prohibited discrimination based on sexual orientation. Milk was quoted as saying: She's going to create a national gay force.

Isn't it beautifully ironic that the seeds of tolerance can sprout and thrive from composted bigotry? By speaking publicly, passionately, and unapologetically of her prejudice, she brought the issue of discrimination based on sexual orientation to America's breakfast table. And she inspired an eventual outpouring of support for the very cause that she campaigned so persistently against.

I've heard the same thing said about our previous president: Things got so bad during his administration that many people awoke from their stupor of complacency and voted for change.

So I checked my email after the movie, and a friend had recommended a book called A Window of Opportunity. I visited the website of the author, Sherri Cortland ND, and while I can't say I'm totally on board with all of her hypotheses, I should not have been surprised to find that she's been blogging about a concept she calls Relationship Villains. Which are, of course, exactly what Neale Donald Walsch was talking about -- soul friends who agree to provoke us into learning, experiencing, or accomplishing exactly what our own souls intended to do. And these frenemies willingly take the risk that we might forget who they really are, and in doing so, react to their gift with rage, contempt, or revenge.

I suspect that good and bad, helping and hurting, greed and generosity, are not inherent in any act. Perhaps we alone determine the ultimate value by how we choose to respond.

work worth doing

If you want to be happy for a year, win the lottery.
If you want to be happy for a lifetime, love what you do.
--unknown

The secret to a happy life is work worth doing.
-- Justice Sandra Day O'Connor

This makes sense to me. When I was younger, I might have argued that the secret to a happy life is actually found in healthy and fulfilling relationships. And happy relationships are indeed wonderful! But day after day, it's work worth doing that gets me out of bed each morning.

I don't know exactly what the Justice was referring to, but my definition of work is broad. It might involve counseling, gardening, parenting, writing, or cleaning the kitchen, as well as the typical nine to five kind of career work. But I think she was right that engaging in meaningful activity which serves a useful purpose is often deeply important for maintaining a sense of personal well being. And it's up to each of us to figure out what kind of work we personally feel is worth doing.

I remember reading a story once about therapists who were successfully treating depression by giving their patients pets or plants to tend to, or even assigning them the simple task of keeping the front porch neat and welcoming. I love that such simple, purposeful contributions can bring the soul back into alignment with itself. It's so beautifully human to feel a need to make a difference.

ps: you can read the article where Justice O'Connor was quoted here: http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2009/04/the-secret-to-happiness-according-to-justice-oconnor.html

will vs intuition

I had to laugh when I read this on my friend Kate's blog:

On a different note, or maybe not, I realize that I write stuff again and again and again. I am so sorry. I repeat myself. And tend to be redundant at temporally infrequent intervals. Did I mention I am sorry about that? I can hear you all now, yeah yeah, foggy mountain, yeah yeah, blue kate, financial worry, shitty work stress, yeah yeah we know we know we know.

But I swear, in the moment I am writing, it does not matter if I wrote it before, it is what I am thinking and feeling. But I also realize it is probably not so great from a reader sensitivity perspective, unless you are into deja vu-ishness.

That's the story of my life! It's like my awareness travels a spiral path, and everytime I come around to that side it feels new again ...

so, chances are good that I've written about this before. But since I clearly haven't mastered it, I spose I will probably keep writing about it until I do:

Standing in front of the toaster oven just now, watching my cinnamon bread turn a luscious golden brown, I remembered how futile it is for me to make decisions that rely on will power.

See, yesterday I 'decided' I was going to try eliminating grains and refined sugar from my diet to see how I would feel. I made it most of the day just fine, and then evening rolled around, and I realized I had let myself get too hungry. So I ate ... well ... suffice it to say that I ate just a little bit out of just about every bag in my pantry. Grains? You bet. Sugar? Definitely. Both in perfect combination in that cinnamon toast.

Sigh.

I swear this happens eventually with every single decision I make. So I'm thinking it must have been Divine Inspiration that found me in front of my toaster and whispered in my ear Stop trying to make these silly decisions in advance! Just trust yourself in the moment.

I must say that's a little bit scary and a little bit of a relief all at once. Am I ready to let go like that? What if I eat so much that I can't fit into any of my clothes anymore? What if grains are causing brain fog and I just keep eating them until I get lost in it and I can't find my way out? Will chaos rule if I take time off from micromanaging my future? (Yes, I know how extremely paranoid all this sounds. Can you imagine what it's like for me to live with a mind like this?)

But the relief part is palpable. Because frankly, it feels weak and pathetic to be unable to enforce my own proclamations. Better to stop making them, and instead, just do the best I can in each moment to try to tap into my inner guidance and then follow it. Since my will power has let me down 100% of the time in the past, it seems I don't have much to lose.

Okay ... that's rather amusing. Now I am proclaiming that I will stop making proclamations! This habit might be a little bit harder to break than I anticipated. Guess I've got my work cut out for me.

small things

No big deal. That's just one small piece of a very big life.

When I heard myself say this the other day, I realized that maybe I actually am gaining a little bit of wisdom and perspective as I age.

Because there's no way I could have said that in my twenties. Everything seemed so big and important and dramatic and all-consuming back then.

Problems required immediate intervention on my part in order to avert certain disaster. Interpersonal conflict quickly triggered fears of epic proportions and had to be straightened out before I could rest again or enjoy anything else. All the areas of my life seemed inextricably tied together, and if one issue was out of place, it threw everything else off.

Nowadays, I usually figure I have at least a minute or two before all heck breaks loose. There are borders around my problems that contain the damage to smaller areas. I rarely feel complete devastation, and if I do, it doesn't last long.

Maybe in a few more decades I'll find myself making a nice cup of tea while I ponder whether it is necessary to take any action at all to solve a problem, or whether things will just shift on their own soon enough ...

thoughts on the nature of love

maybe I am not in love with you.

maybe I am just in Love -- a vibration, an energy, a state of heart -- and you simply happen to be nearby.

when I am in Love, I feel inspired to connect. I naturally want to share, to give, to nurture, to create. And you do, too. That's why it is so sweet when we are both in Love in the same place at the same time!

Love is not delivered to me by anyone else, nor does it arise between us. It is within me, and I'm either connected to it or not in any given moment.

The presence or energy of some people seems to make it easier for me to tap into this state, as does natural beauty, certain music, and particular memories.

So the truth is that the state of Love is never more than a decision away. All I need to do is shift my focus and it can come back into my awareness.

Which sounds simple, but in reality, sometimes I choose not to return to Love for reasons that make sense to me at the time, but always seem rather silly later.

But that's okay. Love shines on, like the sun behind the clouds, waiting patiently for a gentle breeze to clear the obstructions within me that block my perception of its light and warmth.

harassed into clarity

thanks to The Vortex: Where the Law of Attraction Assembles All Cooperative Relationships, I have a new way to look at my favorite critics and cynics:

They show me what I do not want.

My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to use that information to increase my clarity about what I do want, keep my attention focused there, and see what happens.

from p. 231:

Don't ask the person or people who helped you define what you want to become what you want so that you can have what you want.

and p. 232:

And if the others could speak it like it really is, they'd say, "Hey, it's not my job to be everything you want. It was my job to harass you into clarity about what you want. And now that you're clear about what you want, can't you see I'm not it? Don't try to make me be it. Focus upon what you want and let that come to you, and leave me alone!"

Seems to me this works for any type of relationship -- with friends, lovers, homes, jobs, pets, and even cars. Some people, things, or situations pass through our lives to harass us into clarity -- to play the role of a catalyst, and then to release us to find what we desire elsewhere.

And sometimes it turns out that our newfound clarity matches up with what that person, thing, or situation wants to become. We realize we want a red car, and our Honda needs a paint job anyway. We realize we prefer a shorter commute, and a new branch opens up closer to home. We realize we'd rather kiss a nonsmoker, and he decides he is ready to quit.

When that happens, we can stay together awhile longer and enjoy our mutual expansion. But either way -- with or without the catalyst -- we are compelled to move ahead toward what we want once we have identified it. There's no going back.

tell me what you want what you really really want

Whenever you know what you do not want, you always know more clearly what you do want.

--- Abraham

Since not much is happening this week that I don't want (being on retreat and all), I'm not getting much practice with using what I don't want to help me define what I do want. I've mostly been hanging out in neutral. Which is fine. Soon enough something unwanted will come to my attention for me to experiment with. I'll get into gear when the time is right.

In the meantime, I'll be skipping around singing tell me what you want what you really really want, which I just learned comes from the song Wannabe by the Spice Girls (!) (I didn't think I knew anything by them ...)

favorite things

I'm now on my second or third reading of The Vortex: Where the Law of Attraction Assembles All Cooperative Relationships and I find new treasures to highlight each time. Before I went to sleep last night, my reading inspired me to dedicate today to a new experiment.

I don't think I mentioned here that I cleared most of my calendar this week to go on sort of a mini-retreat at home. I still drive my daughter around, and talk with her, and fulfill work commitments. But I'm not scheduling social visits or chatting on the phone. I'm not listening to any music in the car. I'm not reading the paper or listening to the news. I'm walking about two hours each day, stretching my body in new ways, eating very lightly, and spending as much time as I can in silence.

I've been more successful than I anticipated at wrangling my attention away from my mind and toward body awareness. It's become a fairly consistently effective strategy for settling my thoughts.

So now that I can put my mind in neutral, I want to learn how to put it in gear and go where I want, when I want, regardless of where the people and circumstances around me are heading. (sounds rather grandiose, doesn't it? LOL. This language will make more sense if you are an Abe fan.)

Anyway, my experiment for today is to practice steering my thoughts to topics that feel good. So I was very excited that when I woke up this morning, my first thought was I want to feel good.

Immediately, I kid you not, that song from The Sound of Music, My Favorite Things, started playing in my head. I love when I realize there is profound wisdom in something that's been around for ages and I just never noticed. (this song and Row, Row, Row Your Boat could have been written by Abraham)



All the guidance I need for today's experiment is right in the lyrics: when I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad. But since whiskers and packages aren't actually my favorite things, I think I'm gonna make up my own words.

Here's what Abraham said about it on page 164:

We are encouraging you to focus your attention upon thoughts that please you, even when there is no pleasing evidence to observe.

ps: ooh, and look at today's daily quote!

My Every Thought Is Attracting Its Vibrational Essence...

Whether you are thinking about wanted things or unwanted things, you are still sending out a request to attract more things like the subject of your thought. And all things that happen to you - all people, things, experiences, situations that come to you - come in response to your Vibrational invitation.

Noticing how things are turning out for you is one very clear way of understanding which Vibrational requests you are emanating, because you always get the essence of what you are thinking about, whether you want it or not. --- Abraham

The Vortex

I am loving Abraham's new book, The Vortex. My copy is dog eared already and I brought it home only three hours ago! This concept alone was worth the cost of the entire book to me:

Anytime what someone else thinks about you becomes more important than your own balance with self, you are in a less-than-healthy position. Anytime you take action to try to manipulate or affect others' opinions or attitudes toward you, you are in an less-than-healthy position, because you are replacing your own Guidance System with their opinion.

rewiring the circuitry

Every cell in your body has a direct relationship with Creative Life Force, and each cell is independently responding. When you feel joy, all the circuits are open and the Life Force or God Force can be fully received. When you feel guilt or blame or fear or anger, the circuits are hindered and the Life Force cannot flow as effectively. Physical experience is about monitoring those circuits and keeping them as open as possible. The cells know what to do. They are summoning the Energy.

--- Abraham (daily quote from www.abraham-hicks.com)

once again, exactly what I am playing with! Monitoring those circuits, and keeping them as open as possible.

I've started taking awareness walks every morning. I used to spend my walking time solving problems or figuring things out, but now I pay attention to each part of my body, and experiment with what I've learned from The New Rules of Posture. This major change in focus feels almost effortless, like my body has been patiently waiting for me to tune into it for a very long time, and is welcoming me home.

I feel stronger each morning -- it's almost like I can actually see and feel my underutilized muscles waking up and growing. It's still requiring nearly constant awareness to keep from reverting to old patterns, but I also have noticed the new fluidity becoming more and more comfortable.

I'm slowly experimenting with reserving a bit of my attention to invest in body self-awareness while I am listening to others, and so far, I'm liking how that feels. It does not seem to compromise my ability to be present with them, and in fact, may actually be helping me to listen more deeply.

The experiment continues ...

standing tall

my inner landscape is changing so fast that I hardly recognize it compared to 24 hours ago.

but before I tell you about that, I first want to extend a heartfelt thank you to everyone who has reached out to me. I feel so incredibly blessed by your love and support, and I want you to know that the time and effort you put into connecting with me matters, and is very much appreciated.

A lot has happened since yesterday! I was super inspired by a story one of my above-mentioned supporters shared with me. Here's my take on it. Her magnificent words are in italics:

She also has a friend who is openly critical of her, and accuses her of being in denial. And after her friend witnessed the dynamic she has been so critical of in a new context, she not only retracted her criticism, but actually expressed appreciation for my friend's approach.

... and after she shared her new perspective with me, I did not even feel that it mattered that much. It just made me realize how arbitrary and relative everything is.

All that happened was that her friend had a new experience, and her whole perspective shifted. So her original opinion, which she was so confident about as to accuse my friend of being in denial because she did not agree with it, was based only on what she had seen, experienced, and processed up to that point. And as such,

it was only ever one perspective in a universe of infinite possible perspectives. So harmless, really...

The whole thing feels like one big DUH, doesn't it? It's so obvious that there's no rational reason to ever let someone's opinion trigger me. But it happens anyway. Hey Karen, welcome to the human race. :)

The other exciting development is an extension of my body awareness experiment. I've known I have some postural issues for some time, and have experienced useful insights from Hellerwork, the Alexander Technique, and Pilates. I ordered The New Rules of Posture by Mary Bond from Amazon over a year ago, feeling a strong intuition that it would also be helpful, but hadn't felt any compulsion to actually read it since it arrived.

Well, it called to me from the bookshelf yesterday. And as it turns out, it is basically a body awareness primer! I am completely enthralled with what I am learning. It's chock full of experiments to help you become aware of your body dynamics. I am still stunned that simply feeling and releasing just one teeny tiny muscle can trigger the realignment of my entire spine.

So actually, it's not just my inner landscape that is changing. The way I look and move is changing as well. Even after just one day of playing with these little postural shifts, I feel much stronger, and much more supported and stable from the inside. I don't need to lean back on chairs as much. I don't get as tired while standing and walking. My body feels more actively engaged than passively relaxed.

It's hard to miss the obvious parallel between what is happening physically and my emotional journey. Because as I learn to support myself more and more internally, the people around me can be as critical and unsupportive as they want, and I will remain capable of standing tall in myself, or of peacefully walking away. I'm very psyched.

Here's a link to the website, which has some good reading on it. I'm really enjoying the blog there. http://www.newrulesofposture.com/

disrespect

just got off the phone with a soul sister, and it never ceases to amaze me that even though we live a thousand miles apart, we inevitably end up working the same issues at the same time. It's so wonderful to have such pleasant company on this journey!

so anyway, I heard myself saying quite adamantly that I felt deeply disrespected by my friends who insist that I am wrong if I don't see things their way. Disrespect is not a word or concept that is usually in my vocabulary, so I knew something was up.

I decided to do The Work of Byron Katie on it. I skipped right to the turnarounds, because I suspected one of my blind spots was beginning to reveal itself, and I wanted to get right on it.

I started with How am I disrespecting myself? but there was no juice there.

So I moved on to How am I disrespecting them? and hit pay dirt. I am disrespecting them when they express their opinions (which they insist are not opinions, but obvious facts) and I argue, defend, or disagree. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, including the opinion that their opinion is a fact!

I am disrespecting them by violating their right to have an opinion that is different than mine every time I try to convert them to my way of thinking.

I am even disrespecting them when I ask them to acknowledge the validity of multiple perspectives! That's like asking a colorblind guy to admit that there's a green 3 in that red circle. He's not withholding on me. He simply can't see it!!

I am disrespecting them when I get upset when they say I am in denial, which is also nothing more than their opinion! But I treat it like it's a terrible accusation, and I try to change their minds. Which is not only Hopeless, as Katie says, but a waste of my time and energy.

So what I want to do instead is let it go. Respond as Katie suggests, saying, "You may be right."
And then deal with my trigger on my own, NOT WITH THEM. Look at whatever piece of advice or judgment I wanted to defend myself against in private or with a supportive friend, and keep clearing it until I feel neutral about us having a differing opinion. (There are lots of ways to neutralize issues like that -- EFT, The Work, Yuen, and Hoponopono are some of my favorites. )

I like the idea of reframing my expectations of the role of these friends in my life, from being collaborators to being pointers. They are often impeccable at showing me where I am not clear. Because if I was clear, I would not feel the need to have their validation.

So I can give up trying to convince them of anything.

And I can stop trying to get them to acknowledge what I know intuitively and relationally to be true for me.

For me is the critical part of that statement, because I can't say for sure it's Right, just right for me. And I only know that because it's what my inner guidance asks me to do, and because when I do otherwise, I feel crappy.

I'm happy with this plan. Might take a while to solidify it so it becomes my default, but that's okay with me. It's just nice to have some idea of where I want to go from here.

more on mindfulness

As my experiment continues, I am finding that when I focus on my mind, or pay attention to my thoughts at all, I get all riled up. I argue imaginary cases in my head. I talk faster, hear less, and interrupt more. I move more frantically. My shoulders raise up to my ears, and many of my muscles tense and hold, as if they are getting prepared to fight or flee.

But when I shift over to body awareness, my mental, physical, and emotional energies settle themselves right down. My shoulders drop, my weight sinks, and my mind, oh thank heaven, becomes quiet and calm (relatively, anyway). I even let people finish their sentences. And it's funny how often they communicate exactly the thing I was wanting to know, without me needing to ask!

you4ic makes a great point in his comment about my original post: How can you still your thoughts if you can't detach your awareness from them?

Thanks to my very gifted energetic healer, that detachment is now a genuine option for me. Prior to the day before yesterday, it wasn't. Thoughts and awareness felt inextricable. For example, if I felt tense, I believed I was being mindful by thinking, "I feel tense." But talking about it is still a thought. Description is one step removed from sensation. Sensation can happen without words.

The best way I can think of to describe it is that, my attention used to be fixed to my head sort of like a headlamp. It was a concentrated beam, and illuminated only what I decided to shine it on.

Body awareness is more diffuse. It doesn't require any light at all. It's like each little cell reports its experience, and together, those reports form a sensation. Putting it into words is not the same as just noticing it.

Which reminds me, that's enough talking about this! That's all I want to say for now.

moving my gaze

today's quote on www.abraham-hicks.com:

We're asking you to trust in the Well-being. In optimism there is magic. In pessimism there is nothing. In positive expectation there is thrill and success. In pessimism or awareness of what is not wanted, there is nothing.

We do not ask you to look at something that is black and call it white. We do not ask you to see something that is not as you want it to be and pretend that it is. What we ask you to do is practice moving your gaze. Practice changing your perspective. Practice talking to different people. Practice going to new places.

Practice sifting through the data for the things that feel like you want to feel and using those things to cause you to feel a familiar place. In other words, we want you to feel familiar in your joy. Familiar in your positive expectation, familiar in your knowing that all is well, because this Universe will knock itself out giving you evidence of that Well-being once you find that place.

--- Abraham

Excerpted from the workshop in San Rafael, CA on Wednesday, March 4th, 1998 #193

this is exactly what I'm playing with right now. literally moving my gaze move often. interrupting mental fixations. physically moving my body in new ways. derailing trains of thought that don't feel good. landing more lightly and not staying as long. shaking things up. loosening my grip.

mindfulness doesn't mean what I thought it did

Somewhere along the line, I picked up the idea that it was good to pay attention to my thoughts. I now suspect that was a misunderstanding.

It's recently come to my attention that some problems cannot be solved by thinking them through. And that more often than not, my thoughts are NOT my friends. This is probably not true for everyone, of course. I'm sure that plenty of people have figured out how to use their minds in a more effective way than I have thus far. But it's quite clear to me at this time that I definitely do not need to add any additional fuel to my mental fire by paying more attention to what is going on up there.

I don't need to be more mindful, I need to be more body-full. While my attention is spinning in my head, there's no awareness monitoring the situation below my neck. So I don't notice that I am slouching and can barely catch a full breath. I don't realize that my stomach is contracting painfully because I haven't eaten in many hours. I don't feel that my neck desperately wants to stretch.

So today I started a new experiment: fasting from thoughts. Which means that unless I am actually using my brain for a task, I'm not letting it do any thinking. As soon as I notice I am pursuing something mentally, I gently tell myself to Settle, and immediately place my attention on whichever parts of my body are in contact with the ground, and sink my weight down into them.

I think I logged about a thousand settle utterances before noon. But I am feeling much calmer and clearer already. I ate when I was hungry. I walked slowly enough so that I could feel each step on the bottom of my feet. And I liked it.

I notice this is much easier to do when I am alone, and I imagine it will take a while to maintain it while interacting with others. Which is no problem. I've got the rest of my life to practice.

nailing it

You've probably heard the saying When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. A variation of that was running through my head all night: When you feel like a nail, everything looks like a hammer.

what seems obvious in the morning light is that some part of me must think I have to be perfect, and is expecting me to figure out how to make everyone like me, including hammers who will never like me no matter how hard I try, as well as nails who will accuse me of being a hammer no matter what I do.

This feels like a Zen koan. I don't think I can solve it in the world of hammers and nails. I have to go deeper within and unplug myself from this need to be liked. Maybe then I can get busy doing something more interesting with my time and energy than trying to convince hammers that I am not a nail, and nails that I am not a hammer.

innocence lost

this post might make no sense whatsoever. I'm raw and teary, and facing one of my demons down. It might defeat me tonight, but if it does, no doubt I'll get the chance to battle it again some other day.

This pain feels old and deep. It has been triggered only a handful of times in my life that I can recall. It's hard to put into words. It involves people misunderstanding my intentions.

The first time I remember feeling this sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach, I was working in a hospital's day care center. An elderly volunteer showed up on a day that wasn't her usual day, and I greeted her with a surprised, "Mary! What are you doing here today?"

She turned around, marched straight into my supervisor's office, and shut the door. I was mystified. An hour or so later, my supervisor called me in and handed me Mary's letter of resignation. I felt like I had been hit from behind with a two by four. I was devastated by the misunderstanding.

I wrote Mary a letter of apology begging her forgiveness. I offered to quit if she would stay. She had logged over thirty years of volunteer service at the hospital, but there were no concessions that I could make that would convince her to stay on board. The tears are pouring down my face as I remember this today, over twenty years later.

I think it's the helplessness that hurts the most. I truly meant her no harm. I am simply not good at anticipating multiple potential interpretations before I speak and wordsmithing to avoid the worst of them. I just say what I think, and it does not occur to me that people might take it any other way than the way I meant it. It's a rather huge blind spot, yes? Sometimes I think I should just hole up here at home and avoid any real time interactions.

Anyway, what further mystifies me is when people refuse to allow me to clarify. Mary had decided that I didn't want her there, and was not at all interested in hearing what I was actually thinking, either back when I had spoken those words, or in the moment I realized what had happened.

So I know of at least a few people -- Mary, and some others who shall not be named -- who are walking around thinking I am a mean person. Oh, plus there's that buff guy at the grocery store a few weeks ago who had his shirt unbuttoned almost to his waist.

My daughter and I walked by him at exactly the moment that I said, dripping with sarcasm as part of a joke I was telling her, "Yeah ... that's attractive." My daughter told me after we left the store that he froze and looked at me as if I was the rudest person on the planet. I hadn't even noticed him there because I was so busy cracking myself up. I was horrified, but tracking him down to try to straighten that mess out would only have made it worse. So add him to the list, too.

hmm, interesting. Byron Katie's voice just popped into my head, saying, "What you think about me is none of my business." But what I think of myself is definitely my business. And as sad as these misunderstandings are for me, I have to let them go once I've done all I can to set things straight. Certain people believe I am mean. Who am I to argue with them?

geez, that's a tough one for me to just let go of. But what else can I really do? This is a benevolent universe, so I must be playing a necessary role in their lives. I can't change their projection, and really, that's all I am for anyone anyway - a character in the movie they are producing of their lives. Who am I to argue with the script they wrote for me? They have made a mask of my face to speak the lines they've written for my character, so the real me is free to mosey on outta their movie any time I wish. They already have what they need from me.

If people treat themselves with unconditional acceptance, they probably think I am doing the same thing. If people attack themselves, they probably think I am doing the same thing. It's the only way they CAN interpret my intentions.

It's not my business. There's nothing I can do about it.

And I'll be honest ... I still don't like it. But it's late. Time to put my demons and myself to bed.

timely

today's Daily Quote from Abraham-Hicks:


The most magnificent Creators don't want to get together with people who think just like they do. They're looking for people who have other thoughts, because out of the contradiction, comes ideas that could not be born out of sameness. Your relationships will be ultimately more if you're not identical twins just "yessing, yessing, yessing" to everything that the other one is about.

--- Abraham

oh yeah ...

... I keep forgetting that it's not about figuring out what to say; it's really much simpler than that.

Mental processing and searching for the right words are two of my default strategies to try to open my heart again, which for some reason seems prone to closing when I hear stuff that feels negative, prejudicial, or critical.

And sometimes these strategies do work for me. But other times, they take me further into closure if I pursue them with tunnel vision and forget that there are lots of other ways to open my heart that don't involve talking or anyone else's presence or cooperation. For example: taking a walk, washing dishes, gardening, or reading something inspiring.

My reminder was gracefully delivered to me this morning. A neighborhood cat who usually loves to be petted has recently begun periodically hissing and striking out at people. I watched as my friend reached his hand out to her even though he had no idea whether she would snuggle up or lash out this time.

As he leaned over, he said to me, "She can't help it. She's been outside a long time, and she's gotten defensive. She's declawed." That's an open heart talking. No anger or defensiveness, no clever comeback, no agenda to help that cat see things from a new perspective, no taking her behavior personally. Just compassion, acceptance and forgiveness. It was beautiful to witness.

I see animals call forth that kind of love from people all the time, which is why I think it would be cool if we could find a way to have pets in schools, prisons, hospitals, and nursing homes. Love like that heals the one who gives it. Opening the heart is very good medicine.

So while I do like having my list of twenty things, and I am enjoying my newfound curiosity about what each situation will give birth to, I am also grateful for the reminder that there's really only one problem that ever needs to be solved. Because until my heart is open again, the words really don't matter.

breaking it down

Regular readers have probably noticed me chewing on something big lately, trying to break it down into something I can digest and absorb: How to respond to friends who declare that these are terrible times and that everything around us is simply wrong to its very core -- our government, global warming, international relations, human rights abuses, and whatnot -- and who furthermore insist that if I don't agree I am in denial.

This accusation of being in denial, I just in this moment realized, judges me as wrong to the very core, as well. Hmmm. No wonder I feel defensive at times! I don't expect this kind of an attack from a friend who I have welcomed into my personal sanctuary.

On the other hand, if they can see only wrongness in the world, then of course it makes sense that they would see me as wrong, too. Gee ... I gotta ponder the implications of that for a while. It would seem that it's not actually a personal attack, but rather the only possible way they can perceive me given the lens they are looking through.

Anyway, the responses that I've tried thus far often leave me feeling crappy. If I agree, I feel dishonest, because I don't really see things that way. If I disagree, I feel rude or defensive, which also diminishes me. If I say nothing, the conversation stops, and I feel disconnected. If I change the subject, I feel dismissive, and I don't like that either. So my dilemma has been how to respond in a way that is genuine and respectful of both parties.

Good ol' reflective listening seems like a great option (Sounds like you think things are pretty bleak right now.) But here's what I've noticed about that: it often leads to further ranting on their part. Which is fine if they are strangers, or people I don't spend much time with. But to be painfully honest, that kind of conversation doesn't sustain my interest for very long. My attention soon wanders in search of something more interesting. Which brings me back to feeling rude and disconnected from someone I care about. See the problem?

In all fairness, one of my options is to reduce the amount of time I spend with these friends. I was hoping it wouldn't come to that, and have been working hard to figure out other solutions, but that one is still on the table, too. Although doing that feels like a wimpy cop out somehow. I want to be more creative than that.

I love passionate discourse, and to me, generalizations are jails of limitation that must be broken out of. I just HAVE to point out the exceptions! Tell me that the CEO's of big companies are only out to make themselves rich, and I want to tell you about the Gates Foundation. Tell me that Republicans are attacking Obama to further their self-serving agenda, and I want to introduce you to my friend's dyed-in-the-wool Republican brother who voted for him.

In fact, make any statement about a group rather than an individual you know personally, and my mental wheels begin spinning furiously. There are no Democrats, Republicans, immigrants, CEO's or single mothers in my world. There are only individuals with complex and unique combinations of associations. Stereotypes and group identities are meaningless to me.

And furthermore (now look who is ranting!!) I don't even want to hear your assumptions about the motives of individuals you know personally. Just tell me about you -- your experiences, dreams, thoughts, feelings, and responses to people and events.

In my defense, (here I go defending myself again ...) several very successful models of psychology have been built on this foundational understanding. Breaking free from generalizations and assumptions is super helpful for people who are seeking to increase their awareness and joy. (Think cognitive psychology, NLP, the Meta Model, etc.)

And yes, I do need to learn to shut the F up unless I have been asked to help others break free of their mental chains, and get busy breaking my own. Been working on that for many years, with a modest amount of success, actually. But still, I ain't no Mother Teresa.

I just can't get it through my thick skull that anyone would intentionally choose to stay stuck in the ick, or want to lump magnificently unique individuals into groups and make negative assumptions about the motives of all of them. But there are plenty of theories out there about that, and I have much to learn.

So anyway, I was pleased when I woke up this morning and discovered that a brand spanking new response had sprouted overnight: I wonder what this situation will give birth to?

I find this especially delicious because it works on multiple levels. The situation they are complaining about will certainly give rise to something new, as will our interaction about it.

The discomfort I felt last night after a conversation gone bad gave birth to this idea and this post. Repressive governments incubate reform. Injustice cries out for justice. Recessions fuel the collective desire for an economy that provides sustainably for all. Social problems stimulate innovation and intervention.

It all balances out in the end, if we can take a broad enough perspective to see it. Wherever attention is focused, change naturally follows. So by becoming curious about what the situation will give birth to, I can turn my attention to solutions rather than problems, and invite the conversation to move in a direction that fascinates me. Because I genuinely am interested in hearing about what kind of changes people would like to see.

I'll let you know how it goes ...

tuning in

Listen less to the news and more to your heart.

-- Alan Cohen


I'd add, because I almost always feel compelled to add something, that if you happen to be aware that listening to the news connects you more deeply to your heart and your fellow man, then by all means, go for it.

But if you are like many folks who feel angry, hopeless, powerless, or depressed after hearing the news, then perhaps your time could be better spent in some other pursuit that uplifts you. Maybe it's just me, but I haven't noticed very much positive and sustainable change being facilitated by angry, depressed people.

In my opinion, good ol' Gandhi said it best: You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

It seems to me that the seeds of change that are most likely to sprout and eventually blossom are cultivated by our clearest minds and most loving hearts. When we are more interested in understanding our neighbors, politicians, and adversaries than in judging or condemning them, we are more likely to find common ground where we can plant something new together.

The heart can observe unity where the news portrays division. The heart can extend compassion to those that the news demonizes. But since the news is pervasive in our culture, most people probably will not find it practical to avoid it altogether.

So I propose an experiment: Try listening to the news with your heart. You may hear a completely different story. And your heart may inspire you to take a concrete action that actually becomes part of the solution.

up, up and away

a dear friend of mine gave me a tremendous gift when he shared his vision of me the other day.

He said I'm like a passenger riding in a hot air balloon. If someone were to ask me where I am going in life, I'd point in whichever direction the wind is blowing at that moment.

If asked again in five minutes, I may shrug and point in a different direction if the wind has shifted. But what remains constant is that I pay close attention to whatever territory I am floating above, and document it in great detail.

I find great comfort in that visual. It feels right on, and it's really awesome to have friends who understand me so deeply. I have no idea where I am going in life, but I feel pretty safe and secure in my little floating basket. I sure do enjoy the scenery most of the time. Writing my travelogue brings me boundless pleasure. I seem to be drawn to document the mental and emotional landscape, at least for now.

And since I never really seem to land, I spose a destination isn't actually all that important anyway.

As I was thinking about this on my morning walk today, I came around a corner, and guess what I saw in the sky?

Yep.

simple gifts

Life's gift to you is your unique vantage point.
Your gift to life is expressing from it.

--Alan Cohen

To me, 'expressing' seems rich with possibilities. Might be writing, painting, pottery or making music. Might be how you raise your children or decorate your home and yard. Could be what you wear, your hairstyle, your smile, your handshake. Your professional contributions. Your volunteer work. Your travel photos.

The options are infinite, and nobody's expression will ever be exactly like anyone else's, so comparisons are futile. How cool is that?

And yet I seem to forget this. A lot. It slips my mind that diverse combinations of unique expressions give birth to strength, balance, and creativity.

Oh well. This reminder came at a good time for me.

:)

she didn't buy it

seems like this whole 'it's not about me' concept has hit the mainstream.
check out this fascinating article from the New York Times:

But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?em=&adxnnl=1&pagewanted=1&adxnnlx=1249449895-bLZj3G2ZXOAjaEx3tl73GQ

mindin' my own business is a full time job

if I ever wrote a country music song, that's what I'd call it.

It really is a full time job to take responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings, which are, of course, the true generators of my experience in each moment. That's why you rarely if ever hear me riffin' on politics, the environment, injustice, war, and other stuff like that. I'm too swamped trying to clean up my own messes to tackle complex international issues.

Also, when I do manage to successfully calm my mind and open my heart, it's not the global issues that capture my attention from that state of centered balance.

It's the lady down the block who just had a baby. It's the friend on the other end of my phone line who needs to talk and be comforted. It's the elderly woman in a public restroom who is struggling with the heavy door, or the mom whose kid is having a major tantrum in the grocery store.

So my hunch is that I am just not wired to focus on global or national stuff. To passionate activist-type folks, I may seem ignorant, selfish, ungrateful or like a poor citizen of this planet.

Nevertheless, my contribution to humanity seems to be no more or less glamorous than offering a hand, a shoulder, a smile, or an ear to those around me when I am centered enough to do so. Yes, it's small scale. But just maybe the ripples from these tiny acts eventually join with others, maybe even something you have done, and become bigger, more powerful waves of compassionately inspired change. I dunno for sure. But I hope so.

free from approval

When you feel free, you're free to be who you want to be under any and all conditions, and you really don't worry about what anybody else thinks about it, because you know that what they think about you is their problem. It has nothing to do with you.


And when you really feel that way, you become in the greatest place that we know of, which is in the place of allowing -- and you know you are in the place of allowing when you can see another not approving of you and it is okay with you.



~Abraham-Hicks


This was the random Abe quote that greeted me when I logged on to my computer this morning. Felt timely given what I'm working on at the moment: how to respond to advice/disapproval/judgment in ways that feel good to me. I do love me a good synchronicity, and I seem to be bathing in them lately.

Byron Katie also says something along these lines: What you think of me is none of my business. It's not exactly easy to undo years of being socialized to give credence to the opinions of others. I am still playing out that habitual dynamic every time I feel compelled to either accept or reject what someone says to me.


I'm obviously not yet free, or I wouldn't need to give an ounce of energy to my response at all. My list is just a baby step, but at least I feel some movement in the direction I want to go. One day I won't need it anymore. But for today, it feels better to have it.


And when I do manage to remember, even just for a moment, that it's not about me but rather simply an expression of what is important to them, I must say that the freedom and peace are quite wonderful.

random thoughts after a disagreement

I never really learned how to argue. To the best of my recollection, which we already know is quite spotty, my dad was a pretty confident guy. Some might even say he was rather bullheaded. There was just no arguing with him. He was sure that he was right, and therefore anyone who disagreed with him was wrong, so he saw no reason to waste his time listening, negotiating, or exchanging ideas. He simply had no interest in budging from his original contention. He was not, as my friend Adelle puts it, "open at the top."

My mom seemed to know better than to attempt to convince him to see things from a different perspective. I do recall her dissolving into tears of frustration during dinner a few times, but I don't remember witnessing any outright conflict between them. If they did argue, it did not happen in front of me. So I didn't absorb any useful fightin' skills at home. No negotiation skills, either. No biggie. I learned plenty of other useful stuff at home, for which I am very grateful.

As an adult, my community of friends has always been mostly comprised of people with a similar outlook and perspective on life to mine. Which I really like, because we don't need to invest time and energy into finding common ground, so we can get busy right away playfully expanding and creating together.

So up until recently, I haven't really needed to learn how to argue or communicate disagreement. But these days, there's someone in my life who I care about very much who doesn't see the world the way I do. And after a recent unsuccessful attempt to get him to acknowledge that there could possibly be more than one valid perspective, I felt the urgent need to re-center myself.

So I hiked out to my thinkin' rock at sunrise this morning. Steadfast in my determination to take full responsibility for my contribution to our dynamic, I audited what I could remember of our conversation, trying to figure out where and how the connection broke down.

I had a few ah-ha realizations. (My thinkin' rock never lets me down.)

I now suspect that he, kinda like my dad, was not interested in changing his mind or hearing my perspective at that moment. He just wanted me to hear his. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's only human to seek acknowledgment and attention. I really like being heard, too.

The problem was that I erroneously assumed that since he had shared his opinion with me, it meant he was open to hearing mine as well. I assumed he was starting a conversation. And to be completely honest, I pretty much always assume that my friends want to hear what I have to say. Which is arrogant, perhaps, but habitual nonetheless. It's a growing edge for me. I'm a work in progress.

In any case, we all know how risky it is to ass-u-me, right?

Had it occurred to me that he just wanted me to listen, I might have responded very differently. Instead of treating it as an invitation for an exchange of ideas, I could have received it as a one way delivery. Which quickly leads me to the realization that my pool of responses to unsolicited advice, opinions, or information is woefully inadequate. I'm not accustomed to accepting one way deliveries from anyone except my dad, and he's been dead for years. So I made myself a list of good-feelin' ways to respond to such comments, which I typed up below and in another post called twenty responses to unsolicited advice.

The triggering comment is often something that I consider to be an opinion but he considers to be a fact. For example, while I am enjoying a cookie he might say Too much sugar causes diabetes. I happen to believe that there are multiple causative factors beneath illnesses, including thoughts, beliefs, and expectations. Instead of explaining that I don't believe it's that simple, and trying to launch a discussion about the many potential non-physical root causes of disease, I might try saying something from my list:

I'd be curious to hear about your personal experience with that concept.

Thank you, and I'm gonna change the subject now.

Thank you, and I will give that some thought.

I agree that it may be one of the contributing factors.

I am sure that is indeed one piece of a rather complicated puzzle.

That's probably true in some cases.

I know you are really passionate about nutrition.

I appreciate that you want to share what you learn with me.

I don't know what to say to that.

Wow.

That's one way to look at it.

Could be.

Well, as you know I have an unconventional opinion about that.

We may need to agree to disagree on that point.

Hopefully you can respect my right to take a different perspective.

That interpretation does not resonate with me, but thanks for sharing it.

Thanks, and if I want to hear more about that, I'll be sure to ask you.

Is this something you want to discuss, or did you just want to let me know your thoughts?

I can't tell you what a relief it is to have this list! I think I might actually print it out and post it on my fridge. It's like I am learning a foreign language or something. It might take a while before it feels natural, and I'm sure some of these will feel better than others, but I am looking forward to experimenting with it.

As I proofread this post, it occurred to me that many of these statements still make the assumption that the other party is interested in my opinion, including whether I agree or disagree, which may or may not be true.

These options are an improvement over trying to convince them that there's validity in other perspectives, but are still not as clean as a pure reflection like, "You believe that sugar is damaging to the body," which keeps my opinion neatly out of the conversation. That kind of response is certainly worth experimenting with, too. Like I said, it's a work in progress.

Although realistically, it's probably not a sustainable friendship if it consists solely of one way deliveries and there's never any real desire to hear about my perspective. Hmmm, that sounds like fodder for my next visit to my thinkin' rock ...

twenty responses to unsolicited advice

I created this list to help me deal with comments that I consider to be opinions but the other party considers to be facts. For example, while I am enjoying a cookie, a well meaning friend might announce, "Too much sugar causes diabetes."

I happen to believe that there are multiple causative factors beneath illnesses, including thoughts, beliefs, and expectations. So instead of explaining that I don't believe it's that simple, and trying to launch a discussion about the many potential non-physical root causes of disease, I might try saying something from my list:

I'd be curious to hear about your personal experience with that concept.

Thank you, and I'm gonna change the subject now.

Thank you, and I will give that some thought.

I agree that it may be one of the contributing factors.

I am sure that is indeed one piece of a rather complicated puzzle.

That's probably true in some cases.

Sounds like you are really passionate about nutrition.

I appreciate that you want to share what you learn with me.

I don't know what to say to that.

Wow.

That's one way to look at it.

Could be.

Well, I tend to have rather unconventional opinions about things like that.

We may need to agree to disagree on that point.

Hopefully you can respect my right to take a different perspective.

That interpretation does not resonate with me, but thanks for sharing it.

Thanks, and if I want to hear more about that, I'll be sure to ask you.

Is this something you want to discuss, or did you just want to let me know your thoughts?

Sounds like you believe sugar is damaging to the body.

Sounds like you take a strong interest in health and nutrition.

If you have some other responses to add to the list, please let me know! It's a work in progress.

lyrical

I have been mildly, vaguely discontented lately. Nothing is really wrong ... I'm just not feeling as lively and enthusiastic as usual.

While ruminating on this before I got up this morning, I decided that I wasn't going to put any effort into resolving this situation with my mind, as if it was some kind of problem. Instead, I was just going to 'put it out there' and wait to see if a suggestion or some guidance might flow my way.

Within 30 minutes, the response to my request beamed through my car radio. It was in a song I've heard hundreds of times before -- I've Seen All Good People by Yes:

Don't surround yourself with yourself.

I really like this song, and I always sing along with it. But somehow, I had never noticed the wisdom in the lyrics. It's hard to explain what happened as I sang along today. At this line, it was like the volume got turned up, and a little energetic zing jolted through my awareness as if to highlight it. I immediately laughed out loud in recognition and gratitude.

I heard two messages - don't spend all your time with people just like you, and don't get so self-absorbed that you implode. Both were very appropriate reminders for me right now.

I've been paying way too much attention to myself lately. Which is why the post I wrote earlier this week about Nipun Mehta at CharityFocus.org was more for me than you. I need constant reminders to just give, and the rest will take care of itself.

When I surround myself with myself, I get bored, cranky, and overly attentive to the minutia of my experience. It's such a breath of fresh air to take the spotlight off myself by giving, sharing, listening, or creating something for someone else.

Send an instant karma to me. Initial it with loving care yourself.

Message sent and received. Synchronicity rocks.

Yes!

hitting a child

I saw something that broke my heart last night. Some friends and I were dining on the patio of a restaurant that overlooked a plaza. A man was pacing around talking on his cell phone, which is nothing unusual, when several of his children came out of a store. One of them, a girl of about 7, blasted through the door with her face twisted in a grimace and emitted a loud wail.

In the blink of an eye, the man flew into a rage. He grabbed the oldest boy, who was about 10, corralled him in a headlock, and started punching him very hard in the shoulder while yelling in a whisper through clenched teeth with so much intensity that his face flared red and his veins popped out. The girl and the other children immediately disappeared back into the store.

After a moment, the man seemed to remember that he was in public, and he released the boy roughly and pushed him away. The boy choked back tears, cradled his shoulder, and took off. I will never forget the look on his face - a terrible mix of shame, violation, and rage.

I was transfixed in horror. The man visually scanned his surroundings to see if he had been witnessed. He began in my direction, and our eyes met.

My dinner companions had not seen the incident, so I did not mention it and rejoined the conversation. This morning, I woke up crying. I am trying to regain my center, and having a hard time.

I know there are innumerable acts of atrocity happening all over the world at any given moment. I also know we are more than these physical bodies, and that I don't have access to any given soul's purpose or plan for its own experience, and that spiritual learning and awareness can come from any situation.

I further believe that my own soul has had many more experiences than those my mind is consciously aware of, whether in other lifetimes, other dimensions, or what have you, and that it's likely I have acted as both abuser and victim many times.

And yet ... when I see a parent hurt a child, my heart aches for them both. That father's reaction was so instantaneous that it seems highly likely that when he was a child, he was a victim of abuse himself. It's also possible that he never learned how to cope with major internal stress, and he has lost all self-control.

Either way, he's simply another link in the chain of pain, passing along a legacy of domination and violation.

For rage of that intensity to be so close to the surface ... well, I can't imagine what it's like to carry that much pain. But I know someone who can imagine it. His 10 year old son.

I'm not sure why I witnessed this event. I spend most of my time working with very high functioning parents who know that it is never never never okay to hit a child. I struggled with it this morning - what is the spiritual gift for me in this? In the heat of the moment, I did some energy balancing on both father and son to clear some of the rage and pain. But since it's still active in my memory, there must be another purpose, too. It's obvious that I need to do some more work on the victim/aggressor dynamic, as I clearly am quite triggered by it.

And then I thought ... well, I am a writer. Maybe I was shown this so I could share it with others. Perhaps there are parents who are still hurting their children, believing that it is for their own good.

Perhaps in reading this bird's eye view of an incident like this, those well intentioned parents may come to understand that when they hit or hurt their children, they are teaching a very different lesson than the one they mean to impart. Children learn what they live. That boy might indeed have hurt his sister inside that store, but who do you think he learned that behavior from?

Violence begets violence. Not remorse. Not future self-restraint. Not morality. And it certainly does not teach children how to handle their feelings, communicate with each other, or work together. Children learn those skills by watching the behavior of those they love, and receiving gentle instruction during quiet and loving moments together.

Please don't hit or spank your children. There many more effective ways to help your children learn appropriate behavior. Physically punishing a child does not teach him a lesson. It only creates feelings of pain, violation, and rage.

If only that father could have seen what I saw on his son's face, maybe he would understand ...

reminds me of The Giving Tree

Greetings! It's been a while, eh? I've been so busy having fun this summer that it's been a challenge to squeeze any work in -- hiking, camping, visiting friends, and taking on a few new volunteer opportunities. My son was home for two weeks, and is leaving early tomorrow morning for his new Coast Guard assignment in Hawaii. Blogging was low on my to-do list, and I simply haven't gotten around to it lately. I did make time to watch that awesome solar eclipse live online this evening, tho. I Y the Internet!!

Anyhoo ... today, as I read to my 95 year old friend from the August edition of Science of Mind magazine, I was moved to tears by the story of Nipun Mehta, the founder of an organization called CharityFocus. I'll paraphrase the article here, and in August at least some of the article will be available on the Science of Mind website. (I'm guessing the magazine is probably available on newsstands as well.)

Mehta was a young computer whiz in Silicon Valley, on the fast track to a successful career, when he realized that he felt unfulfilled. So he started CharityFocus, a nonprofit that matches volunteers with those in need of help. I don't want to botch the details, so instead I'll paste a little bit of copy from their website, and then shift away from facts and into the part of his philosophy that resonated so deeply with me. Please visit the CharityFocus site if you want to learn more.

CharityFocus is an all volunteer run 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization that endeavors to leverage technology for inspiring greater volunteerism and providing meaningful volunteer opportunities for all who want them -- no matter what their skills, how much time they have to give, where they are located, and what their interests. In the process, CharityFocus volunteers provide much-needed assistance to nonprofit organizations worldwide and create inspiring local events that manifest the spirit of service.

While I was moved by the accomplishments of his nonprofit, I was even more inspired by his personal philosophy. His mission and purpose in life are pretty straightforward. My interpretation of it is this: Just give, and everything else will take care of itself.

His focus is only on the joy and pleasure of giving, and never on the return. He literally lives to give, and does not operate from the conventional economic principle of exchange, or even trade, by requiring anything back from the recipient. He just gives. It's that simple. And somehow, it all works out in the end.

He created CharityFocus to give the rest of us the opportunity to experience this joy for ourselves by giving in individually meaningful ways.

(hey, I know why this sounds so familiar! I wrote a post about something like this awhile back: http://www.karenalonge.com/2008/10/give-something.html)

A few tidbits from the Science of Mind article that I loved:

When Mehta notices that funds are getting low, he "knows he needs to give more," so he digs deeper and finds something more to offer. And somehow, before the money well runs completely dry, the supply is always replenished.

When his mother was worried about his plans to take a walking pilgrimage in India, he left her with these instructions: Whenever you feel concerned that I won't have enough to eat, feed someone. Whenever you are worried that I won't have adequate shelter, take someone in.

So when she started fretting, she baked her tears into his favorite bread, naan, took warm steaming baskets of it out to the street, and fed strangers. And she felt better.

His solution to every problem, obstacle, or concern seems to be to give more. I really, really, REALLY like that.

Just give, and everything else will take care of itself. I know it's unconventional. But deep inside me, it simply feels natural and right and true.

youthful exuberance

I reconnected with an old friend at a wedding this weekend. We first met 16 years ago at La Leche League when our daughters were babies. Turns out her daughter has grown into an amazing musician. I just watched her perform an original composition, Change the World, on YouTube. Goose bump city! This girl WILL change the world, no doubt about it.

more about the wedding later.

a little father's day story for you

stumbled upon this article online today, and found myself getting all teary-eyed while reading it. A teenage brother and sister who are orphaned by their mother's sudden death are adopted by their mom's ex-boyfriend, and he steps up to unexpected fatherhood in every possible way. I just love happy endings.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/06/19/rs.mom.died.boyfriend.adopts/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

riding the storm out

We've had unusually tempestuous weather here in Colorado this spring. Tornados have been touching down all over the place, sometimes almost daily, which is extremely rare for this area. In the twenty years I've lived here, I remember only one tornado before this.

My mind has been unusually stormy lately, too. I spose that's not unusual at my stage of life (perimenopause). Hormones can wreak all sorts of havoc -- mentally and emotionally as well as physically.

Whatever the reason, my head has been a very bizarre place to be lately. There's a friggin' three ring circus going on in there. Stories being made up constantly. Cases worthy of a court of law are being entirely fabricated, and then argued, won, and lost.

And for the first time, I am just a little bit outside of all this action, watching the show. I am aware that the stories are fiction, not fact. This awareness does not stop me from getting caught up in the drama at times, just like I get so wrapped up in a movie that I cry when something beautiful happens to that fictional character who is no more than a projection on a flat white screen.

So last weekend, when I noticed an increasingly nasty mental storm of negativity brewing, I tried to make it blow over fast. I used all my tricks, and nothing made a dent. Weird thoughts of anger, victimization, and disconnection twisted around like tornados, gathering momentum with each whirl as I watched, feeling helpless to stop the impending destruction.

Being an energetic and action-oriented gal, I naturally wanted to act on these thoughts. I wanted to tell people off! I wanted to stand up for myself! I wanted to argue and speak my mind and stuff like that!

Thankfully, 51% of me was witnessing this rather than swirling in it, and so it directed my actions. It told me to get myself out of town immediately - into the mountains where I could sit alone on a big rock and do no harm. It told me to bring my journal, but not my computer or cell phone. No communication with the external world would be allowed from this state of angry agitation, because no good could possibly come from it.

I spent hours and hours in isolation, furiously scribbling my accusations and listing the perceived injustices being inflicted on me by various people and situations, attempting to purge them. A deer came to visit, briefly interrupting my stream of venom, but I got right back to it as soon as she moved on. Then it started to thunder, and I headed back to my car, not wishing to get drenched, thinking all of this must certainly have helped.

I got back to my car just as the first drops started falling, and realized I was STILL pissed off. I sat there for two hours, watching the storm move over me, seeing a rainbow form, and still, that dark cloud in my mind would not go away. Reluctantly I returned home, crossing my fingers that I would not run into anyone I cared about. I came home and went to my room and stayed there until I fell asleep.

In the morning, I woke up feeling normal. Nothing had happened in the outside world to shift my mood. I didn't tell anyone off, I didn't change any situations, I didn't fix any problems. But I was in love with life exactly as it is once more. I was overwhelmed with gratitide for this inescabably visceral awareness that my experience is ALL about my perception.

I imagine there will be many more days like this as I ride this hormonal rollercoaster of feminine midlife. I might be spending a lot of time in the mountains in the next decade! But I am tremendously relieved to know that truly, if I can just wait it out, it will get better all by itself, even if I don't do anything about it.

cleaning the lens

this train of thought chugged through my morning shower today:

If I am perceiving anything other than an expression of love or a request for love from anyone, including my own self, then my inner lens needs to be cleaned.

When bugs get smashed on my car's windshield, I know that the remedy is to use my wipers, not to get out of the car and go try to clean the thing I am looking at through the dirty windshield.

the wipers I've been using lately come from the Hawaiian tradition of H'oponopono. There's an article I like that explains it here: http://www.consciousmindjournal.com/Articles/2008-02-01/Hoponopono.cfm

The short version is this:

I internally repeat four simple phrases in sequence until I feel an inner release of tension. I usually experience the release as a melting feeling in the area of my heart.

I love you.
I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.

These phrases are directed at myself, not at the other person.

I usually start melting the instant I tell myself I love you. It puts me right in touch with my little innocent human self, and how hard I am on it sometimes.

I'm sorry is almost always followed by more when I hear it in my head, but it doesn't have to be. I'm sorry for treating myself this way. I'm sorry for forgetting my innocence. I'm sorry for talking to myself that way. I'm sorry for forgetting who I really am, and what I am doing here. I'm sorry for hurting myself with that thought.

Please forgive me and Thank you normally stand alone for me.

So here's how this might go in real life:

Let's say I'm at the store, and someone says Hurry up, you are in my way!

Through a clean windshield, I see someone in a big hurry, and I simply step aside.

Through a dirty windshield, I might see someone who is full of himself and thinks his pace is more important than mine.

so I activate my wipers:

I love you (and it's perfectly fine for me to walk at whatever pace I like right now).
I'm sorry (for the feeling inside me when I got angry at him).
Please forgive me.
Thank you.

If I don't feel better yet, I run it again.

I love you (and there is nothing wrong with me for feeling this way).
I'm sorry (for taking any of this personally).
Please forgive me.
Thank you.

Rarely do I need to run this through more than twice before my happiness is restored. But I will happily do it for as long as it takes to feel good again.

the article I linked to above goes into more detail.
gotta dash ... I have a daughter with a DVD waiting for me downstairs.

...

I'm back, with a stomach that hurts from laughing so hard at Little Miss Sunshine, to elaborate a bit on the expression/request for love concept. It's rooted in A Course in Miracles (ACIM), which I studied about a decade ago.

The idea, as I recall it, is that verbal and nonverbal communication falls into basically two categories -- affectionate words, compliments, and kindness are expressions of love, whereas insults, complaints, demands, whining, and attacks are simply indirect and unskillful requests for love. When we hear them that way, there's really only one response that feels appropriate -- compassion.

Compassion can show up in many guises. It might be a very loving and gentle NO. It could be that we simply reassure the whiner/complainer that we care about their feelings and their experience (like a well-trained customer service representative who lets you know that your feedback is important, she's sorry for your inconvenience, and she'll do whatever she can to make it right).

Compassion doesn't mean you just lay down and let people walk all over you. It does mean that you don't see them as terrible or evil, but rather as temporarily communicatively impaired. You may choose to remove yourself until they can be more clear, or you may be willing to translate and offer love in response to their request. It doesn't really matter either way. The point is that you don't stew yourself in your own juices while building a case to prove how bad or wrong they are.

I think this quote from http://www.clearmind.com/acim.cfm expresses it pretty well:

ACIM considers all behavior to be either a call for love, or an extension of love. When we can see the “call for love” under difficult behavior, forgiveness naturally occurs, and we are left in a state of compassion rather that locked into anger, fear, or guilt. It is our compassionate mind than can then make proactive decisions which result in a more positive life.

communication does not equal conversation

I think perhaps many of us have a little bit of a blind spot when it comes to communication these days. Communication is not actually the exact same thing as conversation. Instead, conversation is one of many possible ways to communicate.

Today I overheard a woman saying, "I shouldn't have to make assumptions. He should just tell me how he feels!"

I wanted to interject, but it was none of my business. I imagined handing her a copy of The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
and saying, But maybe he IS telling you how he feels! What does he say with his eyes, his touch, and his actions? There's more than one way to let someone know you care!

I hear women declaring to each other with righteous conviction: If he doesn't say it, he doesn't care. And of course, sometimes, it's true! But before you release him back into the wild simply because he's not showering you with verbal affection, consider that words may not be his primary mode of expression. If you love him, a little experimentation may salvage the relationship.

I invite every woman who has been Scrabble scoring her man's verbal output (and finding it lacking) to figuratively plug her ears with cotton for a few days, and to rely upon her other senses to receive communication instead.

Smell those ribs cooking on the grill? He put that extra spicy sauce on half of them because you like them better that way.

See his muddy shoes at the door? When he lived alone he would have worn them into the house.

Feel his strong hands massaging your shoulders? He noticed you were tense and wanted to help you feel better.

Why does he do all this? Maybe it's because he cares about you.

I don't mean to diminish the value of words. If they are your primary love language, you'll probably prefer a mate who speaks affectionately to you often.

But some women find that when they open up their other senses, words are not as important as they previously thought. You may discover that there are plenty of other very satisfying ways to express love, affection, and appreciation. Sometimes, once these other channels have opened, words even become pale in comparison...

a radical choice

I sat down a few days ago to write a post about my reaction to reports that Colleen and Daniel Hauser had gone on the run. They are the mother and son who preferred to use alternative modalities to treat the boy's cancer, and fled to avoid being ordered by the court to submit to traditional chemotherapy.

I must admit, this case strikes close to my heart. For the past twenty years or so my family has been using alternative modalities with great success, and therefore we have spent next to no time in the traditional medical system. I even gave birth at home.

I don't like the idea that the courts could have forced my children into conventional medical treatment. If Daniel were my son, I would likely support his desire to reject a deliberate injection of poison.

So I feel a lot of empathy for this family. In fact, I got pretty riled up about the whole thing. I could go on to list all my perceived injustices, but I won't, because that's not the point of this post.

The point is that somewhere along the line, as I was ruminating on this poor kid and his mom and feeling so bad for them, I heard Abraham's voice pop into my head saying, Nothing is more important than that you feel good. (If you are not familiar with Abraham-Hicks, this statement will probably sound self-serving, narcissistic, and even worse, because it's taken out of a much larger context. A visit to http://www.abraham-hicks.com/ might help to put it in perspective. )

And I realized then that the tape looping in my head about injustice and the cruel imposition of values and yadda yadda yadda did not feel good to me AT ALL. Nor was it helping Daniel and his family. So, for what might be the very first time in all my years of listening to good ol' Abe, I decided to take their advice and "reach for a thought that feels better."

And the instant I made this choice, I felt my awareness zoom out, like a camera panning back. I have no idea if the thought that felt better to me is true or not, but that's not really what's important. Here's the thought: perhaps this mother and child, at a soul level, signed up for the job of bringing this issue into the media spotlight, so that change can happen.

I know that's all woo woo and such, but it felt so much better to me than thinking that these kind and innocent and well-intended people were being victimized by The System.

When I panned out, and remembered that there is always more going on than meets the eye, my outrage just melted. I felt gratitude and compassion for the family, and for the courts and others involved as well. Each of them is playing an important role in a larger production.

It takes a lot of gumption for a soul to sign up to play the bad guy, because plenty of venom will be spewed in his direction. A lot of people will forget that at his core, he is light and love just like we all are.

Which reminds me of a book I really like: The Little Soul and the Sun by Neale Donald Walsch.





Anyway, let me back up and say a bit more about my statement that it is not important to me whether this 'bigger production' idea is true or not.

It seems to me that our lives are made up of a string of moments, like a strand of pearls. We can experience only one at a time, which makes this moment the most important moment of our existence.

There's no one passing judgment on how we choose to spend our moments, so there's nothing inherently wrong about letting myself stew in anger for a while if I want to.

But if I have a choice, and I finally perceive that I really do, I'll choose a more pleasant experience, thank you very much.

As an added bonus, any actions I choose to take from a stance of compassion will be far more efficient and effective than reactions that stem from anger, revenge, or outrage. Since I'm really not that interested in adding to the chain of pain, I like finding ways to call forth the best in others.

After the compassion was flowing again, I found myself simply feeling love and gratitude for everyone involved in this case. I saw no more good guys or bad guys ... just a bunch of people trying to do what they think is best.

And that was a relief.

postscript May 30,2009:
Colleen and Danny voluntarily returned home, and he has reluctantly resumed chemotherapy. The family has started a website and is posting updates on his conditon: www.dannyhauser.com.

brain 101

sort of a user's manual for your brain, written by a self-proclaimed 'grumpy' scientist who is scrupulous about his research and sources.

fascinating stuff.

http://www.brainrules.net/

there's no one in your way

Of the many empowering and inspiring concepts I've learned from Abraham-Hicks over the years, one of my favorites is the idea that there's no one who can keep you from happiness, joy, and success.

You are the creator of your own reality, and so you are not in jeopardy. You do not need to control the behavior of others in order for you to thrive. Your attention to things that you think they do that keeps you from your thriving is, in fact, what keeps you from your thriving... It is not what they do to you; it's what you do to you in fear of what you think that they will do to you. -Abraham-Hicks

In the plainest and simplest terms, it is your attention that determines whether you thrive or not, not the actions or attitudes of others. That's not what most of us have been taught, so it takes a little mental retraining to keep your attention on the roses instead of fixating on the thorns. But even in the most challenging situation, there is something positive to focus on.

For example, let's look at the economic situation. Any roses there? Sure! People are talking to each other. Kindness and generosity are thriving. Families are spending more time together. Creativity is being called forth to provide new and exciting solutions. Communities are coming together. Gardens are springing up everywhere. Values are realigning. There is much to celebrate.

Only your own thoughts can interfere with your momentum. So take the focus off of what anyone else is doing, look around for the positives, and ride that wave of joy until the next one catches your attention. Don't waste one precious minute blaming anything outside of you for your lot in life. Lots of us haven't yet learned how to harness our attention. Luckily, it's pretty easy to master, once you point your effort in the right direction. It's certainly far easier than trying to force agreement, convince others to step aside, or barrel through external resistance.

Let your alignment (with Well-Being) be first and foremost, and let everything else be secondary. And not only will you have an eternally joyous journey, but everything you have ever imagined will flow effortlessly into your experience. There is nothing you cannot be or do or have—but your dominant intent is to be joyful. The doing and the having will come into alignment once you get that one down.
Abraham-Hicks in Portland, OR on Wednesday, July 14th, 2004

If you could get to the place where you no longer feel a need to push against anything that you disagree with--you would become in alignment with what you do agree with. Even within your own body, it is your pushing against those things you don't agree with, that causes you to be out of alignment with what you do agree.
Excerpted from the workshop in Philadelphia, PA on Monday, May 13th, 2002

Since nothing matters to you other than your personal alignment with your individual goals or desires, then that is where our work is. We are not here to debate the rightness or the wrongness of what you, or anyone, chooses. We are not taking sides, for or against, anything. We are here to help you understand that your life can be as wonderful or as horrible as you allow it to be. It all depends upon the thoughts that you practice. And therein lies the basis of anyone's success: How much do I practice thoughts that bring me joy, and how much do I practice thoughts that bring me pain?
Excerpted from the workshop in San Francisco, CA on Saturday, March 8th, 2003

Let others vibrate as they vibrate and want the best for them. Never mind how they're flowing to you. You concentrate on how you're flowing. Because one who is connected to the Energy Stream is more powerful, more influential than a million who are not.
Excerpted from the workshop in Portland, OR on Tuesday, June 10th, 1997

a sweet story for mother's day

have some tissues handy ... it's about a Boulder woman who offers to give birth to her best friend's baby. My eyes still well up every time I think about it.

http://www.boulderweekly.com/20090507/coverstory.html

who said that?

omg, this is my 300th post! that's especially trippy in light of what I have to say today, which is that I'm not sure who wrote any of them.

Many energetic healing modalities suggest that some of us have more permeable energy fields than others. Those of us on the more permeable end of the spectrum, like me, not only absorb the energies of people we are in close relationships with, but also anyone we pay attention to -- including the cashier at the grocery store, and various strangers who are standing nearby. Absorbing their energies means we might find ourselves thinking, acting, or feeling like they do.

It's not too hard to clear their energy out and restore ourselves back to being full of our own energy again. It just takes intention. Thinking, "Clear. Be all here." is one way to do that.

Some people like to use a visualization, picturing their own energy as a colored mist, floating back to them and settling in, while sending the energies that don't belong back home to their owners. You don't need to identify the thoughts or feelings individually, or send them to specific people - just intend to release them and let them find their own way home.

Some people like to shower or wash their hands, and imagine that anything they've picked up energetically that isn't theirs goes down the drain and is neutralized by the earth. Some like to lay on the ground, imagining the core of the earth as a magnet that pulls out and recycles any energy that doesn't belong to them.

There's no right or wrong way to do this -- whatever harnesses your intention will do the trick. It's just a matter of remembering!

Sometimes it takes me a while to notice that I'm not myself. I'll write something that feels so right on, and then read it the next day and be like, "Huh? I don't really feel that way!"

Or sometimes the wake up call comes from readers who knows me well, and they will write to say, "That's not how you are at all!"

When I pay attention, I can usually figure out whose energy I was narrating. But even if I'm not sure, I can still release it.

One of these days, I'll remember to clear myself on a regular basis! But for now, I'll take the lemons of forgetfulness and make lemonade out of them by simply enjoying the interesting read ...

You say "Narcissist" like it's a bad thing!

[Ramble alert: This post goes all over the place, and may be impossible to follow.]

Like a kitten with a new catnip toy, I've been sparring with an intoxicating theory all day today: What if the way I think, speak and act has virtually nothing to do with Who I Really Am?

All of my life I thought these things were an outer representation of my inner being, and therefore required some serious monitoring and management. But I now suspect that I might have misidentified myself somewhere along the way.

For example, I'm often as surprised by what comes out of my mouth as my conversational companion is. And even more frequently than that, I can't repeat or even remember it moments later.

My mind has been proudly taking credit for generating what it thinks are pearls of wisdom for all these years, but maybe it's never been anything more than a conduit! What if the ideas have lives of their own, and they are just using my mind and mouth and hands like puppets? Maybe they were just in the neighborhood and I happened to be available!

I've got plenty of experiential evidence to support this theory. Moods come, and moods go. Ideas come, go, and hopefully return again later if I don't record them right away, but sometimes they just disappear forever. Feelings, emotions, desires ... all are transient. Nothing seems to stick around long enough for me to cobble together into a cohesive identity that could consistently generate these 'pearls of wisdom'.

The only constant seems to be my awareness of motion. Breathing in, breathing out. Muscles contracting and releasing. Thoughts passing through. People passing by. You get the idea, right?

So maybe I am on to something with this conduit thing. And if so, maybe I can just blurt and release without worrying that my tactlessness and insensitivity make me a terrible person. Maybe none of this is personal at all!

I have suspected for years that I have an undiagnosed learning disability. There's no chalkboard in my head. I can't add double digit numbers mentally to save my soul. Can't follow my lesson plan and connect with my students at the same time. Can't remember my grocery list even when it's right there in my hand. My memory is like Teflon. Its non-stick surface doesn't hold on to anything long enough to generate a mess that needs scrubbing.

I've always admired people with good memories, especially my friends and colleagues who can systematically examine and dissect their interactions to learn from them. It's amazing to me to see them review their own words, ponder the reaction they received, and adjust their future dialogue and actions to bring the outcome into closer alignment with their relational goals.

True confession: This seems like a worthwhile pursuit to me. I've tried to do it. I just can't seem to figure out how.

First of all, I rarely remember what I said or did, even just moments later. Second, I rarely notice your reactions, and if I do, I rarely change gears in response to them. I'm riffin' on my self-expression, babe! Don't step on my buzz with your body language or verbal feedback!

And third, I seem mostly unable to identify any goals other than self-expression. Doesn't sound very relational of me, does it? Ah ha! This, dear reader, is why I like to write. It's a one way street - me to you. I can't see how you receive it. Know why I like that? Because none of this is really about you anyway! It's about arranging the words and concepts so they sound just the way I want them to in my head.

Put all of the above together, and I think we might have ourselves a gen-u-ine narcissist! I never really understood what that term meant, but from the way I hear other folks bandy it about, it seems to fit me pretty well.

In days gone by, that might have bummed me out. You know what I say about it now? So what? Maybe I am a narcissist. Maybe I'm not. Regardless, just like I'll continue to breathe in and breathe out without consciously managing the process until one day it stops by itself, I'll probably keep spouting out opinions and then forgetting them.

If you think I 'am' what I say, or attach any meaning or intention to what you hear from me, that's your business. My business is just to let whatever shows up in the moment move on through me.

Maybe my words or attitude in any given moment will shock you, remind you of what you don't want, or prod you awake. Maybe you will get really clear about what you prefer instead. And that's all great stuff that I'm happy to precipitate. (wait a minute ... doesn't that word mean rain and snow and such? what's the word I want here? the one that means 'come before'? just substitute that here if you know what it is ...)

Whatever happens for you, it's quite likely that my contribution to your process will evaporate from my memory as soon as the sound waves dissipate. Which now makes perfectly elegant sense to me. Why use up storage space on something irrelevant? That would be like cluttering up a hallway with piles of old newspapers.

My Teflon memory magically clears the slate for me effortlessly, so new ideas can pass through. Out with the old, in with the new, and none of it means anything about the Real Me.

And to be congruent about it, nothing you say or do is a true reflection of Who You Really Are, either. So all that remains, after we no longer take ourselves and each other personally, and stop reacting to ideas or words as if they mean anything, is a moment to moment opportunity to express love and acceptance. Oh my. I need some more time to process the implications of this ... it sorta turns the whole world upside down, doesn't it?

my disclaimer

I read an interview with Bill Maher in the Boulder Weekly newspaper tonight. Truthfully, I have no idea who the guy is, but I'm a readaholic, and the paper was just sitting there, so I read it. It happens with the cereal box, too.

Anyway, I was fascinated by one of his responses:

We need more people who say things that make everybody else go, “Oh, my God, I can’t believe you said that!” Yeah, well, just think about it then. At least the idea is out there. We can reject it. We can say he’s wrong about certain things. But at least he’s saying The Things That You’re Not Supposed To Say. This is such an “Oh, my God, you can’t say that” kind of country, and if someone says one thing that makes you a little bit uncomfortable, they have to go away for all time. Well, that’s not really what this country was founded as. So, yes, I don’t agree with everything he says, but I’m glad there are people like that speaking out.

So here's my disclaimer: I think maybe I have a split personality.

One side of me really does try to be nice. She believes that if I want to be helpful, (which I do,) then I have to be kind. She guides me to present my ideas gently and respectfully -- as hypotheses, so as not to trigger defensiveness or resistance.

She encourages me to hold the space for people to generate their own solutions, rather than telling them what to do. She values tact and patience and restraint. And she tries very hard not to come across as too arrogant or too confident or too convinced of her own rightness.

She has lots of friends who are therapists, and she tries to learn from them. She keeps up on the latest therapeutic modalities -- reads the studies, implements the techniques. You probably don't see much of her here in this blog, although sometimes she will take over editing duties and soften things up a bit. She normally makes her appearance during private consultations.

If I drew a picture of her, she'd be wearing long and spotlessly white lace gloves, a dainty hat with a big brim for maximum shade, and sipping a tall cool glass of lemonade. She sort of looks like the stereotypical Southern Belle.

But then there's my other personality, which seems to usually win out in the end. She's the one who blurts out unsolicited advice, imposes her perspective and interpretation on you, and is pretty darn confident that her insight is accurate.

She's dressed in a power suit, and she's on a mission. No lounging around with lemonade for her - she's got work to do. Deliver the advice and move on. Let people figure out what to do with it on their own time.

What I kind of like about her is that she trusts you a lot. She figures you will take what resonates with you, and leave the rest, so she doesn't baby you at all. She sees you as an equal, and respects your right to disagree. In fact, she kind of hopes you will, because she loves a good juicy contentious conversation.

And she won't tiptoe around you. She doesn't think she needs to, because she sees you as capable of exercising your own discernment. She's like the person Bill Maher was talking about who says The Things That You’re Not Supposed To Say.

Oh, and what's really funny about her is that she coaches probation officers in a technique called Motivational Interviewing, which is all about not imposing your opinions! She gets rave reviews from her coachees. But don't ask her to live what she teaches, okay? She's quite comfortable with her ability to teach directly rather than by example. She carries no judgment that she should be a master herself before she can work with others. (And that's another thing I like about her! She's relatively unencumbered by 'shoulds.')

My personalities are like Forrest Gump's box of chocolates -- you never know what you're gonna get. So if you are feeling fragile, craving kindness, or need to be empowered from the outside, you are sort of gambling with me. If you don't feel like risking it, I can refer you to some consistently empathetic and therapeutically gifted colleagues.

But if you are okay with being told what to do by a self-appointed know-it-all, you have come to the right place! And you can't say I didn't warn you.

the nature of 'reality'

I'm so excited to recently have come across two attempts to describe the nature of reality that really resonate with me. (goes without saying that words won't ever really capture it, right? The Tao that can be spoken is not the Tao...)

The first is an excerpt from Michael Neill's book, Supercoach, which he included in his email newsletter this week. It's his copyrighted material, and you can visit his website here: http://www.geniuscatalyst.com/:

... we each live in our own separate reality. This is not some kind of an esoteric theory, but a physiological fact. Our brains filter information through the five senses then make representations of that information inside our minds. We then experience these representations, first as thoughts and then as emotions. But as we re-present the information in our mind, certain bits of the data are inevitably deleted, distorted and generalized. And since we all delete, distort and generalize that information slightly differently, we all have slightly (or sometimes completely) different perceptions of what is going on around us.

In other words, the way we think determines what we see, hear and feel, regardless of what is actually going on around us in the world. Or, to put it slightly differently, there's what happens and there's what we think about what happens. And what makes this important is that the lion's share of our decisions, feelings and actions in life will be based on our thoughts, not the objective facts.

This is neither a new idea nor one associated with any one particular field of study. In quantum physics, the uncertainty principle says that we can never study anything objectively because 'the observer always influences the observed'. Psychologists talk about 'the Pygmalion effect' and linguists say, 'The map is not the territory.' Shakespeare wrote, 'There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so,' and in the Christian Bible, Jesus says, 'As you think, so shall you become.'

Perhaps my favourite way of thinking about this secret comes from one of my early mentors, author and supercoach Serge Kahili King. He describes the principle of thought like this:

The world is what you think it is.

While at first glance this may seem an innocuous idea, its implications are far-reaching. If the world is what you think it is, then life becomes one giant self-fulfilling prophecy. Your expectations create your experience, and if anything happens that confounds your expectations, you will most likely find a way of explaining it away or fitting it into your existing worldview. And any attempt you might make to 'prove' your theories about the world objectively will never gain universal acceptance, because you're creating that world through your thinking in one way and other people are creating it through their thinking in another way.

The second is a transcription of a speech given by Deepak Chopra.
http://www.ascension-research.org/reality.html :

There was an experiment done at Harvard Medical School about 20 years ago. A group of scientists took some kittens and brought them up in a room that had only horizontal stripes. All the visual stimuli in the room were horizontal. Another group of kittens was brought up in a room that had only vertical stripes. And when these kittens grew up to be wise old cats, it turns out that one group of cats could see only a horizontal world. The other group of cats could see only a vertical world. And this had nothing to do with the belief system of these cats.

It's a phenomenon that psychologists call Premature Cognitive Commitment. Premature, because we make it at a very early stage of our development. Cognitive, because that's how they cognize or see the world. And commitment, because it fixes us to a particular reality, it imprisons us in a fixed mode of perception.
...

All these experiments, and there are many variations of these, are pointing to a very crucial fact as far as the mechanics of perception is concerned. And that is that our initial sensory experiences and how we interpret them or how they are interpreted for us actually structure the very anatomy and physiology of our nervous system in such a way that ultimately the nervous system serves only one function: to keep reinforcing the initial interpretation. Anything that doesn't reinforce the initial interpretation doesn't even get into the nervous system. So if you don't have a concept or a notion or an idea that something exists, then your nervous system won't even take it in.
...

I was surprised to learn that some people interpret these findings to mean that there is an Objective Reality out there which we simply cannot perceive. My surprise is, of course, evidence of my own blind spot. I thought science had proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that nothing exists independent of the observer -- that the reality which each of us individually perceives/creates is all there is.

I thought it was common knowledge that reality is just a soup of pure potential until a perceiver comes along and makes something actual via a completely private act of perception. In essence, sort of like a rainbow, reality is an interaction of perception; a relationship, rather than a separate thing.

So I thought everyone knew this, but maybe the news just hasn't trickled down into the mainstream yet. Most people have other (and better) things to do than study research about the nature of consciousness! (not me, though. LOL.) So for the cliff notes, here's Deepak again:

Sir John Eckles who won the Nobel prize in physiology and medicine several years ago made the statement, "I want you to understand that there are no colors in the real world. That there are no textures in the real world. There are no fragrances in the real world. There is no beauty, there is no ugliness. Nothing of the sort. Out there is a chaos of energy soup and energy fields. Literally. We take that and somewhere inside ourselves we create a world. Somewhere inside ourselves it all happens."

Why does it matter whether there's an objective reality or not? If we agree that we can't perceive it, isn't that good enough? Excellent question! My answer is Maybe. Maybe it is good enough. It might be good enough if we can truly agree to give each other the freedom to see things differently.

Yet how much pain, suffering, and persecution have humans historically inflicted on others who disagree with their notion of objective reality? How much effort have our chosen leaders invested into snuffing out those who see and interpret things differently?

I wonder ... if we all were to acknowledge that there is no Objective Reality, then maybe we'd realize that no one is more right or wrong than anyone else. And perhaps we could get busy figuring out our individual realities instead. We could focus our energy on fine-tuning our own filters to enable us to perceive that which inspires feelings of love and joy, rather than manhandling the filters of others so that they can suffer right alongside of us.

I also wonder ... if you believe something objective exists, and you try hard to see it as clearly as you can because you want to be accurate (or because you see yourself as a realist), then aren't you sort of missing the opportunity to get your hands in the clay and create? Are you so busy digging to uncover 'reality' that you pile the clay into a big lump behind you and leave it alone while you keep digging? Could you be missing the journey while seeking the destination? I think it was Neale Donald Walsch who said, "Life is a creation, not a discovery." I like that a lot. No doubt not everyone finds that as exciting as I do ... I betcha some people just love to dig. That's cool.

It seems to me that the folks I know who have left notions of Objective Reality behind are already busy doing their individual creative projects just for the fun of it. And I suspect at some point, critical mass might be reached, and the collective concern with polarizing into positions such as right and wrong will dissolve into a different orientation instead. It might be one that consults other criteria when making decisions; not "Is this right or wrong?" but, "Does this behavior/attitude/perception feel expansive, joyful, and authentic to me at a core level? "

It's hard to write that without sounding like a 'bleeding heart liberal' as my dad used to say. I'm not sure how to convey my vision of the question or decision bubbling up from within, like a natural spring, rather than guidance being sourced in a replacement dogma that is imposed by some external authority.

It feels like it won't even really be a question - more like an inner leaning that will become harder and harder to violate. Rules won't need to be imposed externally, and no council will be necessary enforce them. Hurting others will hurt ourselves, and we won't want to do it. Making others wrong will make ourselves wrong, and we won't want to go there. That's all. It's kinda simple, really. We will connect in creation, rather than opposition.

It will be interesting to see what happens in my lifetime, that's for sure. It's such a privilege to be alive right now. We are witnessing so much profound transformation!

the dangers of disapproval

Here are some examples of the kind of disapproval I'm talking about today:

I am so disappointed in you.

You could have done better than that.

I expected more from you.

You should know better.

You didn't even try.

What's the matter with you?

How could you?

This might sound radical, but I propose that disapproval does much more harm to the one who issues it than the target.

Why? If we look underneath the urge to express disapproval, we find the intention to shame, harm, or control the target in some way, in the hope that we ourselves will feel better.

At first blush, we may deny this. We may say we are acting out of concern for the well being of the other person. But if we sit with it a while, and really look inside, we may find less altruistic motives underneath this. What have we truly accomplished by "contributing to the well being of others"? We feel worthy, valuable, and helpful. It's all about us. We want to feel like good people. No crime there.

But shaming or manipulating others into doing what makes us feel good is a short term solution at best. Our contentment is doomed to unravel as soon as the other person's autonomy wakes up again.

Using disapproval to control someone else's behavior hurts us. Before we can judge another, those standards and expectations must pass through our own systems, and they leave behind residual standards that we ourselves cannot meet all the time. When we measure ourselves with the same yardstick that we use to measure others, we will inevitably come up short at some point. We are only human, after all. We have bad days and bad moods; our thinking gets muddled up sometimes.

Disapproval also disempowers us by perpetuating the illusion that we can't feel better until something or someone 'out there' changes. It hands control of our inner experience to another, and says "You are responsible for my feelings. I can't feel better until you change." That's a lie. There are lots of ways to feel better that have nothing to do with anyone else.

Plus, disapproval sets up a dynamic of separation from each other. It's fundamentally disconnecting. We must distance someone in order to judge them ... must believe that they are different from us. That kind of separation hurts, every time. Understanding heals. Compassion connects.

Disapproval also steps on our buzz. Can't feel disapproval and joy at the same time. They are on different channels. Personally, I prefer to stay tuned to the fun stuff.

Oh, and did I mention that disapproval doesn't even work? Research has shown that the most effective way to support change is to express understanding of the inner conflict underlying the choice of behavior: You really planned on skipping dessert tonight, but when they brought out that birthday cake, you thought it would be rude to refuse a piece. Or You didn't want to hit your baby brother, but you felt so frustrated that he wasn't listening to your words that you couldn't think of any other way to tell him to back off.

When people feel that their conflicting good intentions are acknowledged in this way, a safe space opens up for them to examine other options. They may ask themselves What can I do differently if that happens again? They may even ask for your help or input. I'll write more about this in another post.

So what's an alternative to expressing disapproval? Accept people as they are, accept circumstances and events as they happen, and then make a choice about how you will relate to them. You may choose to walk away. You may express empathy for their conflicting good intentions. You may communicate your opinion or preference. You may simply love yourself and say nothing.

And realize that unless you can do those things with an open heart, while feeling love and acceptance of both yourself and the other person, it's the equivalent of drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

What if you happen to be the target of someone's disapproval? No big deal. Treat it as information to investigate internally. Am I drinking too much? Was I listening? Am I in someone else's business? Did I eat more than I was hungry for? Do I have trouble saying no?

There are no right or wrong answers. The point is just to use their input to increase your self-awareness. Having done so, you can then interact with the disapproval from a different place -- not defensively, not with a counter attack in which you point out the other person's failings -- but with gratitude. Thanks for sharing your opinion with me! I'll check that out and see what resonates with me. I'm grateful to know more about what is important to you.

Then let it go. No need to let someone else's control issues clutter up your day!

conspiracy exposed

Oh my gosh, how could I have been so stupid?

I fell for all the Law of Attraction hype. I voraciously devoured the plethora of advice about How to Manifest. Yes, there are things and situations I want that I don't have! Sign me up for the program that teaches me how to get them!

Well, heads up, Abraham-Hicks, Louise Hay, The Secret, and other such snake-oil salesmen. I have seen the tiny wizard behind the big curtain, and the gig is up. I know this is all a bait and switch scheme. I've figured out what you are REALLY trying to do with all this manifestational crap. You can't fool me one minute longer.

You don't care whether or not I ever manifest the house, job, car or life of my dreams. You tricked me ... baited me by dangling the fulfillment of my desires in front of me ... told me I could have it all if I just changed my thinking.

But this was never about the future, was it? Huh? Admit it!! You had the bald-faced audacity to actually want me to be happy NOW. But you knew that I wouldn't think that was enough, didn't you? So you went along with me, pretending the future mattered, teaching me how to manifest, telling me to reach for a thought that feels better.

And all the while, you knew that by changing my thoughts in order to attract or create what I wanted in the future, I would become happy in this moment, even before I manifested anything!

It's the crime of the century as far as I'm concerned. The ultimate sleight of hand. While I was busy making a vision board, creatively visualizing, and writing in my Done Book, earnestly imagining how my future would feel, some of that joy seeped into my experience of the present moment. And once that leak started, it wouldn't stop.

See what you have done? Now I am so happy in this moment that I don't even worry about the future any more.

It's brilliant!!!

You were right, by the way. I didn't believe that being fully present and happy in the moment would be enough. It's just too simple, too darn easy.

I really thought there had to be more to it than this. I needed to be tricked out of my delusion that hard work, noble effort, and due diligence were the only way to earn the rewards of satisfaction and joy. And you found the perfect way to do it.

Thank you for everything. I have no complaint whatsoever.


p.s. several hours later: oooh, check out this abe quote I just stumbled across! nice synchronicity, eh? they say it much better than I did ...


As you set a goal to achieve a new house, or a new body size and a shape, or a new occupation - and you reach that goal - you misunderstand, thinking that the new house or new body or new job was the subject of creation, when all along the subject of creation is your state of being.

In this physical experience you use the format of houses and bodies and jobs to facilitate your state of being - but none of those physical things are the subject of your creation. YOU ARE THE SUBJECT OF YOUR CREATION. YOUR STATE OF BEING, OR THE WAY YOU FEEL, IS THE SUBJECT OF YOUR CREATION.

If you will seek ways to observe your state of being, you will have a clearer understanding of how you are doing in the creation of you. If you will deliberately identify the way you want to feel or be, you will be more effective in achieving that which you came into this body to achieve.

- Abraham-Hicks

what happened ...

well, I took the advice I gave to my friend, and spent four hours in the mountains alone on saturday. It took about three of them for my mind to settle down. Finally, a nap in the sun baked my mind into a lazy stupor, and when I woke up, the truth was waiting for me: It hurts to hold back love.

It was just that simple. In order to force myself to stay away from him, I had been closing my heart in a way that was painful. And it wasn't worth it. (this would not be true in all cases, to be sure. Sometimes relationships are dangerous, toxic, or seriously outgrown, and simply must be left behind. I have experienced breakups that were very heart opening for me. But this wasn't one of them.)

I remembered Abraham's wisdom that our purpose here is joy, and that by seeking relief, and doing what feels good in the present moment, we can give ourselves a break from trying to row upstream in the river of life. And when we stop fighting the current and relax, Love will happily carry us to our well being.

I knew exactly what would feel good in the moment. I ran some quick calculations: What was at risk if I contacted him? The answer was illuminating: only my pride. Which, as it turns out, is a renewable resource, so there really was nothing to lose.

So I called him. And he came.

In hindsight, even though this past five weeks sucked in a lot of ways, I am glad it happened. I gained much more than I lost, including the visceral awareness that I don't NEED him, but I do WANT him, and they are very different things. And that when it comes right down to it, it's my moment by moment decisions that turn my boat upstream or downstream. When I notice that I am exhausted from trying so hard, I must be rowing upstream! All I have to do is drop the oars and the current will turn me around again.

I don't know what the future will bring, and I honestly don't care. I am happy in this moment, once more not holding anything back. And that is more than enough. I am here, now, enjoying the scenery, floating on the current of joy and love. The future doesn't need my assistance. It can take care of itself.

gone beyond

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field.
I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase "each other"
doesn't make any sense.

mevlana jelaluddin rumi - 13th century


After an arduous emotional battle that lasted five long weeks, yesterday I finally declared an inner truce, and made my way to that field for a much needed rest.

And there he was ... patiently awaiting my arrival.

mirror, mirror

I just wrote this to a friend who has a big decision to make, in response to her request for suggestions or strategies to help achieve clarity. As I proofread it, I had the uncanny sense that I was writing it to myself, and decided to save it for future reference.

hello my dear friend-

I'm so glad you are taking some time for yourself tomorrow.

Perhaps the first priority is not to actually answer any questions or make any decisions, but to soothe and silence the clamoring of the mind that makes it hard to hear your inner guidance.

I suspect that once you are back in touch with your center and your heart, you will find perspective and clarity waiting for you there. It may not come as specific answers. It might not say Yes, do this or No, don't. (Or it might!)

But I suspect your heart will contextualize the questions into a greater perspective. It will probably tell you that you are Loved no matter what, that these decisions are secondary to the truth of Love itself. It will tell you that it will always be there for you, no matter what you decide.

If I was feeling anxiety about a decision like this, I would most likely not respond well to pressure or deadlines. Before clarity could feel safe coming to me, it might need some reassurance that I will give myself all the time I need to come to a decision that I feel truly, deeply okay with.

I may need to clear some space and time for that to emerge. I may need to postpone making plans or taking action until I can once again hear and honor my inner guidance.

Perhaps what you are going through right now is not simply about this one decision. Maybe it's also about re-wiring the way your heart and mind relate to each other; an opportunity to lay new internal groundwork to help you resolve inner conflict.

This is important work, and worth doing however long it takes. If you choose to move forward, it is the best possible foundation to base a relationship upon. If not, it will nevertheless support you beautifully in every future endeavor you undertake.

It might also be about creating a well worn path to your true center in the forest of Highly Opinionated People -- about hearing the gift of their doubts not as a warning, but as a spotlight that brings your attention to parts of you that are seeking it.

It's not that you must necessarily let those parts rule your life, but they do want to be acknowledged as valuable contributors to your Wholeness, and they want to be heard.

Good luck, my friend. None of this has shaken my faith that All is Well with you, and always will be.

:)

how would I rather feel?

that's my new question. or maybe it's not new, but I just forgot about it for a while?

anyway, I'm taking my self-inquiry deeper than "What do I really want?" because it occurred to me that whatever I want is actually just a means to an end -- I want it because I think having some situation, condition, or circumstance will result in me feeling a certain way. So I'm playing around with cutting out the middleman.

Here's what I found that amazes me about this:

As soon as I've identified how I'd rather feel, I can go there right away, via imagination!

My poor little imagination is sort of withered from disuse. I was a very good student in a traditional school system, which means I was an excellent absorber of other people's knowledge and could regurgitate it on demand. So I'm still recovering! But that's okay. I'm having lots of fun dusting my imagination off and finding out what it can do.

(I just re-read this, and a song in Willy Wonka's voice started playing in my head. I embedded the video below for those like me with bizarre inclinations for musical nostalgia. What a trippy movie this was!)

ohhh

Holding steady so far today. It's like the trail back to my memories of him has been erased. The only thought of him I had this morning was to notice that I hadn't thought of him, and that really wasn't about him, it was about me. That lasted only a split second, and it was gone.

As I was whipping up my breakfast smoothie, I had another ah-ha moment. When I'm not worrying about/planning for the future or ruminating on the past, the only thing left to do is notice the moment. (Yeah, yeah, I know, this is not a big news flash. Thank you Eckhart Tolle.)

I've known about this concept for many years, but it's been a mental construct that I peridically impose on the body as an intention, like this: Pay attention! Feel stuff, dang it!!

This morning was different. My body led the way, entertaining my mind with the pressure of my feet on the cold floor, the hard smooth handle of the fridge, and the song of the blender.

And then it was over, and the next thing was happening. Goodness gracious ... what else have I been missing? I feel like an explorer in my own house. Life is ripe with sensations for the plucking. Gonna get busy checking things out.

ENOUGH

anyone else see that movie where J Lo plays a battered woman who decides she's had enough and takes boxing lessons so she can beat the crap out of her abuser? At least that's how I remember it ... it was a while ago so I could be off on the details.

anyway, that's sort of what happened in my mind today. I've finally had enough.

Enough of the idealized memories, enough of the big frickin' bungee cord that seems to attach my heart to his and can stretch to the thickness of a human hair without breaking. Enough sadness, enough longing, enough remembering the sweet times, enough wondering if I did the right thing. ENOUGH!!

So I went for a hike up to my favorite thinking rock. As I walked, I practiced every single energy technique that I've ever learned on myself. I also put out an invitation to any spirit guides or angels or personal assistants who were in the vicinity: Please help me let this go. I don't know how.

Soon thereafter it occurred to me that I needed to systematically forgive myself for all of it, up to and including my inability to forgive myself for all of it. I figured I better ask for help with that one, too, so I did.

Then it seemed like a good idea to make a tiny little rock cairn. Then I felt like enclosing it with the shape of a heart made of even tinier rocks. When it was done, I knew it was time to go.

The hike back to the car was slow. My head was held high, there was a new spring in my step, and I noticed details I had not seen before. I felt lighter. Hallelujah.

Later in the afternoon, the sun called me outside again. So I took my little Happy Bunny journal, and I went to the park. I sat under a tree, and I made three lists, starting with Reasons why I broke this relationship off. I dug deep. I got ridiculous and petty. I did not whitewash anything. I gave no credit for potential. This list was a very important reality check, and the perfect antidote to my idealistic memory.

I knew I was reaching the end of it when I felt my heart softening up and saying, Yeah, but .... As in, Yeah, but remember how great it was when he ...

So I started list number two: Sweet things I want to carry forward. That list was longer, and I loved watching it grow.

As I started to run out of momentum on that one, list number three sprouted organically: Things I want in my next relationship. That was a really fun one!

By the time I stopped writing, I was blissing out in joy, hope, and optimistic anticipation. The sad ruminating over idealized memories had vanished, taking with it my longing to return to the past.

Don't ask me why I didn't think to do this sooner. I guess it just wasn't time yet. But holy smokes, do I feel better. As I was doing dishes tonight, I washed a mug that we bought together, and normally I feel all sappy when I do that. Tonight, nothing happened. It was just another mug. (for now, anyway! who knows what tomorrow will bring ... LOL)

Some random realizations:

Relationship is just a different flavor of life experience than solitude. No better, no worse, no more noble or evolved, and no less. And it's okay to have a preference. Which I do ... relationship. It's just so much fun!

My goal to love myself as easily and effortlessly as I love others might have been a little off. I just don't think it's going to feel the same. They are different experiences. So I'm scaling it back to just Love, with no object specified, and for the times when I can't quite reach Love, I'm gonna aim for Acceptance. That's a relief.

I get myself into trouble when I compare myself to others. I didn't realize how much I was still doing that, but it's actually quite often. Got my work cut out for me in that dept.

things are not always as they appear

these are SO up my alley ...

http://www.hongkiat.com/blog/100-funny-photos-taken-at-unusual-angle-humor/

energy work

I recently posted that I am loving Elma Mayer's free group healing sessions by phone on Saturday mornings. I may also have mentioned that I'm trained in the type of work she does, but am nowhere near as experienced or effective. I dabble, and have facilitated some minor shifts. She's the Real Thing.

She's offering several more free calls, which I highly recommend. This Saturday, March 21, from 9-10 Pacific Time, she's working on financial issues. She's amazing. I listen to her Wholeness Alignments CD several times a week for a comprehensive energetic tuneup. Check out her site for more info: www.nowhealing.com

I have referred many friends to her for private sessions, including my friend Kate who writes a heartfelt blog narrating her journey with infertility treatments. She wondered what the heck energetic corrections or alignments were, so I attempted to explain. It's a challenge to clearly articulate something this obscure, but I'm mostly satisfied with what I came up with for now, and thought you might like to read it:

Elma may have preferred to spend your limited time together working on you rather than explaining the details of what she was doing, so I'm gonna tackle the challenge of trying to explain it with a metaphor.

Okay, here goes:

Imagine your spine (Elma may have called it your center or midline) as a projector, like those ones that shine the constellations of the night sky on the ceiling of a dark room. If you want to see something different on the ceiling, you gotta change the holes in the projector, right? It won't work to go up to the ceiling and try to change it there.

Physical manifestations are like the stars on the ceiling. Energy work changes the projector.

You won't necessarily consciously FEEL neutral or unattached to the outcome immediately, because feelings are also like the stars on the ceiling.

Just as the light needs a little time to make it up to the ceiling in its new pattern, sometimes energy shifts can take a little time to reach our feelings, conscious awareness, and physical manifestation. Other times, people feel different or notice changes right away.

Once the projector has been changed, the stars on the ceiling MUST also change. They have no choice.

Sometimes they don't change enough to satisfy us, and we go back for more tweaks. Sometimes, one session is enough.

Over the past several years, I've seen energy work result in remarkable physical changes in cases where no other kind of intervention made a dent, both for folks who 'believed' in it AND folks who didn't.

***

I am eager to gain additional experience, so if you have an issue that is bugging you physically or emotionally, I'd be happy to work on you for free. It's completely non-invasive, so the worst that can happen is that nothing will change. This type of healing works remotely, which means I don't need to see you to work on you -- we can meet by phone. If you are curious and want to give it a shot, lemme know: karen@karenalonge.com

If you'd prefer to work with a master healer, schedule a session with Elma! www.nowhealing.com

:)

article in Scientific American about the placebo effect

here's an excerpt (I bolded certain parts for emphasis):

As evidence of this idea, counseling psychologist Cynthia McRae of the University of Denver and her colleagues reported in 2004 the surprising success of a sham brain surgery in improving the quality of life of patients with advanced Parkinson’s disease. Surgeons performed the sham operation to compare its efficacy with that of implanting human embryonic dopamine neurons into the brains of Parkinson’s patients, who suffer from a lack of dopamine. In McRae’s follow-up study, which assessed the patients’ quality of life up to a year later, the researchers found that the patients who received the sham surgery were doing just as well physically, socially and emotionally as were the patients who had received the new cells. What mattered was not the transplant itself but whether a patient thought he or she had received it.


Read the entire article here:

http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?id=placebo-effect-a-cure-in-the-mind

blogotherapy

My psyche must have been busy on the dream plane last night, because a head-smacking realization catapulted me out of bed pretty early this morning.

Only a tiny fraction of what I've been calling grief is actually sadness. It's mostly regret, self-blame, and doubt.

My mantra lately has been this is not about him. This morning, I finally know what it IS about: My soul is divided. I am at war with myself, waging an inner debate about the choice I made to end this relationship. To take Abraham Lincoln's A house divided cannot stand one step farther: A soul divided cannot move forward.

I see my overall identity as put together like a puzzle. Each piece is a subpersonality; there's a critic, a nurturer, a narrator, a mystic, a dreamer, and many more. Unlike Sybil, the famous multiple personality, my pieces fit together very snugly. They communicate and work together as a functional whole most of the time. But sort of like nations that share a border, sometimes there are squabbles.

My father died of cancer when I was very young. He had been in remission, and his death was quite sudden and unexpected. It's becoming clear that one of my subpersonalities is still back in that experience, asking, "Where's my daddy? I want him to hold me!"

Another is saying, with the developmentally appropriate perception of a three year old who thinks the entire world revolves around her, "It's my fault that he is gone. If I had been a 'good girl', he'd still be here."

Yet another is a bit older, living with a stepfather who loved me and had a lot of wonderful qualities, but was not physically affectionate or demonstrative with me.

So it's starting to make sense why I am having trouble letting go and moving on, and why I cried when my craniosacral therapist cradled my head yesterday. Parts of me are still diligently trying to procure the masculine attention, affection, and contact that I did not receive from my father.

Understandably, those subpersonalities simply cannot comprehend why I would intentionally walk away from a very good source of the nutrients they are so hungry for. So they have more or less seceded from the Union of Me, and are waging a civil war against the parts of me that knew that this relationship was not working for me in other important ways.

This awareness is a huge relief to me. Now that I know that I have a few stragglers who have separated from the rest of the puzzle, I can invite them to come back home by listening to their concerns with compassion, thanking them for their efforts on my behalf, and assuring them that we will indeed find healthy ways to satisfy their needs that work for all of the parts, not just a few.

In fact, simply because I have become aware of what has been going on, something important has already started shifting. My soul feels more integrated already. Thank goodness! It's about time for a change.

ps: I hope it's clear that I don't think my dad or anyone else is at fault here. We all have life experiences that shape us in one way or another, and we all have the freedom to re-shape ourselves as we wish. I have no doubt that my soul signed up for these early circumstances.

still peeling

This grieving thing is very humbling. Every time I think I have reached a place of relative emotional stability, another layer peels off and exposes more feelings to deal with. I'm not used to this!

Today I started crying when my craniosacral therapist cradled my head in her hands. It's been a while since anyone has touched me with love and tenderness, and I had forgotten what it felt like. Her contact was purely professional, of course, and my reaction took me by surprise. I felt an almost primal sense of relief and comfort.

I wonder if this is the feeling that drives the instinctive attachment-promoting behavior of babies and young children, even in terrible conditions and with less than optimal parental figures.

In the car on my way home, I had to smile in appreciation of the irony. Earlier today I cheerfully told a friend how happy I was being single, and that I thought I might stay that way for quite a while. Ha. I s'pose that was tantamount to "making God laugh by telling Him/Her/It my plans."

My goal since the breakup has been to experience the same kind of relationship with my Inner Being as I do with other people -- to love, respect, forgive, and connect with myself as easily and naturally as I can with a lover.

And yes, I'm well aware that I am an idealist! I set BIG goals for myself: to love unconditionally ... to find and nurture the sparks of light within darkness, no matter how tiny ...to keep my attention focused on what feels good and nourishes me. Those are not normal, average, everyday kinds of aspirations. I've given up trying to figure out why I want these things, and simply accepted that I am fringe.

But now I find myself wondering, is this kind of tangible self-love even possible for everyone? I know it's been done before -- I hear and read about it. I have friends who slip gracefully into meditation and hear inner guidance as clear as a voice on the telephone, and tap into bliss as reliably as turning on a water faucet. That sounds so appealing to me!

But maybe they have some kind of wiring that I don't have. Maybe some of us are more naturally self-sufficient and self-contained than others. Maybe they are here to experience something different than I am in this lifetime.

Or maybe not. It makes sense to me that there are infinite potentials and possibilities here on this playground. I don't want to jump to premature conclusions, or put any kind of unnecessary ceiling on my aspirations. All I can do from here is just continue to experiment and notice what happens in my experience. Time will surely tell.

back in the saddle again

(I can't help hearing those words in Steven Tyler's voice ... I do love me a good Aerosmith tune!)

anyhoo, I am back.

for now, anyway.

I can tell because I found myself singing in the car for the first time in a few weeks, and noticed that I am once again feeling happy for no reason.

I had already regained my ability to feel joyful when something sweet was happening around me, so that was nice. And today I seem to have returned to happiness as my default state. Whew, what a relief! Seems like it took a long time to bounce back.

Now when I think of him, it is with tremendous appreciation for the many gifts he gave me during our time together. He was the catalyst for a whole lot of self-reflection and transformation, and for that I will be forever grateful.

I'm psyched about this fresh new sense of deep satisfaction with my life Exactly As It Is Right Now. I spose some interesting new development will soon be fertilized by the energy that I used to put into wishing things were different.

Can't wait to see what happens next (and at the same time, it really doesn't matter!)

dichotomy resolved?

I recently wrote about walking the line between acceptance and creation in my post A Novel Idea. I was sensing that that these two activities were in opposition, but also suspecting there was probably another way to look at it.

Earlier today everything sort of gelled internally, and this afternoon I bounded up to my keyboard clutching a little scrap of paper that I had scribbled some notes on while waiting at a stoplight in my car.

When I take one step back, I lose sight of any dichotomy between acceptance and creation. As humans, we want. It's simply what we do. It happens naturally that as we move through our experiences, we generate preferences and desires. And perhaps this is by intelligent design.

At the risk of WAY oversimplifying this, maybe Consciousness created us as its physical instruments so that it could experience itself, and use that feedback to further create and expand. A big ol' blob of awareness has no sensory organs, and that's no fun! Maybe Jewel was onto something when she sang: We are ... God's eyes, God's hands, God's heart.

I think it's also a Hindu myth that God/Source/The Big Cheese could not know or experience Itself when it was in a state of Oneness, so one day it clustered itself off into little bits that seemed to be separate from each other, and the play of interacting with Itself-in-Disguise began.

I'm liking the idea of Source as pure potential consciousness that occasionally crystallizes just for the fun of it -- for the joy of experience and expansion.

So how does this help answer the question of whether to just lay back and accept it all or get busy dreaming?

I'm testing out a probe to determine whether a desire is the kind that will likely lead me into a feeling of suffering (in the Buddhist sense of the word) or joy:

Why do I want this?

If the answer is Because it will ______ (bring me peace, make me feel better, improve me or my life in some way, etc) then it's probably leading to suffering, and I might want to apply a little bit of acceptance to my current circumstances instead.

If the answer is Why not? or Just for the heck of it! or Just to see how it feels! then it's probably creative expansion at its finest, and ripe for the dreaming.

Both acceptance and creation are valid choices, each leading eventually to the same destination of Experience. Like good ol' Abe says, You never get it right because you never get it done. We are creative beings, and each moment brings another opportunity for some kind of experience that will expand Consciousness in one direction or another. So it's all good.

no waiting

I'm officially done with waiting. If I notice I am waiting for something or someone, I'm gonna do something else instead. I don't want to spend one precious moment on hold. At the very least, I can actively look around and find something to bless, love, or appreciate!

a new friend

Used to be that when I thought of "me", I immediately identified with my mind: the mini-me that lives in my head behind my eyes. It's only been very recently that I have even noticed that there's a sensation in my feet as I walk. If I had drawn a map of my attention and consciousness, it was all above the neck.

So a while ago, when I wrote that post saying as long as I don't abandon myself, I'll always be in good company or something like that, it was my thoughts -- the little voices in my head -- who were keeping me company.

A few events and circumstances have conspired lately to free up a lot of attention that I used to invest in external targets and refocus it on my physical form: my daughter has been super busy away from home, I ended my romantic relationship, and I triggered a neck injury that has not quite finished healing yet while playing tennis this weekend, and spent the past five days wafting in and out of a major headache.

Of course I have projects piling up and deadlines to meet, and I have been able to accomplish nothing. Every time I sit down to work, my eyes and thoughts just won't focus, so I end up taking yet another nap.

What's been good about this is it's slowed me down tremendously, and I've been spending a lot of time stretching while trying to find relief. This morning on the floor I had a head-smacking realization: this body is as much or maybe more of a true companion than my thoughts.

My thoughts come and go with the wind. My body is the most consistent and stable presence in my life. (Even beyond that, I understand that consciousness or awareness contains all that and more, but I haven't quite tapped directly into that yet. )

For now, I'm sort of stunned to realize that I have more or less ignored my very best friend for 42 years. Or worse, that my thoughts have often attacked, harassed, and denigrated my physical form. And all this time, my body has patiently and lovingly supported me, loyally serving me unconditionally while receiving no appreciation or gratitude from me.

It's probably no coincidence that two powerful realizations are occurring for me simultaneously: I no longer believe that having a mate would make my life one whit better, and I discover that I already have a tangible, loving, lifelong companion inside my very own skin.

a novel idea

the intention I've been playing with lately is Acceptance.

it's kind of an interesting line to walk. to the left I perceive total surrender to whatever is happening at the moment ... for example, immersing myself fully in the joys of life as a single mother: tons of time with my daughter, lots of writing, more sleep, long uninterrupted sessions of organizing and getting caught up on paperwork, leisurely phone calls with friends, and many slow walks in the sunshine.

to the right side of this line I see the opportunity to create my future experiences by dreaming them and allowing them in ... for example, feeling joyful anticipation about the relationship that I have been creating in my Done Book, seeing couples sharing beautiful moments and thinking, "That's where I am headed," feeling my hands in the clay and molding my future.

I haven't quite mapped out my unique and dynamic balance between these two activities yet. I suspect that what I currently perceive as a dichotomy -- these being on opposite sides of some arbitrary center -- probably isn't.

So my next experiment will be spending about 20 minutes twice a day engaging in intentionally creative daydreaming, and the rest of the time keeping my focus on my bodily sensations in the moment. Seems like a decent place to start, and I can make adjustments until it feels maximally nourishing and fun. I'm open to suggestions if you have any to share ...

pushing it away

keenly aware that I don't want to feel my feelings today: slightly bored, aimless, mildly lonely, and somewhat disconnected from myself. missing him.

found a few distractions earlier. did laundry, answered all my emails, and went for a hike. and I'm running out of ways to escape these feelings.

spose I could try just sitting still and see what happens. but, well .... yuck. that doesn't sound like much fun at all.

I know, maybe I will take a nap. That should kill an hour or so ...

*sigh*

yeah, yeah, I know. the only way out is through.
some days are just gonna be this way.

no better

I have the most amazing friends! Today I got to spend several hours discussing remote viewing, near death experiences, the holographic universe, and the law of attraction ... all before noon!

You know how different people bring out different parts of you? I heard myself telling my friend something that I'll want to remember later, so I'll just jot it down here:

When I no longer think my life will be one iota better after I have achieved or acquired something, then, and only then, will my higher self allow it to happen.

'Cause I'm in this game to play big. I'm aiming for mastery of unconditional love, unconditional acceptance, and unconditional freedom. It's easy to be happy when things are going well - I also want internal access to contentment and peace when things suck.

Yes, my life will be different after I've published my book, found a home with morning sun, walked the beaches of Hawaii, or found a new co-creative partner.

Different.

But not better.

As long as I think something needs to change for me to have a better experience, I am not yet drawing upon all the power and grace available to me in each moment. And that is something I really want to learn how to do.

sprung

Along with tiny bowls of ice cream and tiny spoons, I also love tiny flowers.

Part of the fun is waiting for them. I watch for the little green sprouts to poke out of the dirt, then check on them eagerly every day. I don't want to miss a single moment of their progression into blooming.

I suspect I would not enjoy them quite as much if they were always there ... they might just fade into the background. It's the metamorphosis that delights me -- the transformation in just a few weeks' time from little green nubs to resplendent color.

I took this picture on my walk today to remind myself of something important: I WANTED my life to be this way. All of it ... the pain, the suffering, the growth, the waiting, the wanting, the achievement. The ups and downs. The losses and the gains. The ebb and the flow. The dirt and the blossoms.

I wanted the feeling of my hands in the clay. I asked for a big blob, rather than the finished product, so I could mold it myself. I also wanted to be able to smush it all up and start over. I wanted to experience transformation, not static perfection.

I am living exactly the life that I asked for. I wanted to play with free will, and I am generously presented with opportunities to exercise it in every moment. I may not always be free to choose what is going on around me, but my decision about where to focus my attention, what to think, or how to feel has never ever been restricted.

Sometimes, I forget that...