“I have found the best way to get another to acquire a virtue is to impute it to him.” – Winston Churchill

Another way to say that is: When you see and appreciate the best in people, and they want to live up to it.

Constructive criticism such as, “I did not appreciate the way you spoke to me in front of our friends, and I want you to be more polite in the future,” rarely leads to improvement.

Instead, try something like this: “Thanks for noticing that I was becoming embarrassed during our interaction in front of our friends. I appreciate that you went along with it when I changed the subject. Now that we are in private, is there more you want to discuss?”

It’s pretty obvious that the way you talk to your partner has a huge impact on the quality of your relationship.

But did you know that the way you speak about your partner can also damage or support the health of your relationship?

Consider these common statements:

My wife would never let me use my vacation days on a guy’s trip.

My husband wouldn’t allow me to wear something like that in public.

Each contains the implication that the speaker is not in control of his or her own choices and behavior. And that’s simply not true.

Speaking about your partner using this language puts you in a subservient, disempowered position, which is fertile breeding ground for rage, resentment, and hostility — toxic emotions that seriously threaten the health and stability of your partnership.

For contrast, see how these feel:

My wife would really like to take a family trip later this year, and I’ve decided to save my vacation time for that.

My husband would feel embarrased if I wore something like that in public, so I chose this dress instead.

This is much more in alignment with the truth. Your partner likely has preferences, and you are free to consider or disregard those preferences while deciding your course of action.

True, there might be some potentially unpleasant reactions from your partner that factor in to your decision — some people have a harder time than others coping with a partner’s disapproval or disappointment.

But even if you decide not to go on that guys’ trip or wear that dress based on your partner’s preference, it’s still your choice to make. And using language that takes full responsibility for your decisions fosters strong, healthy relationships.

When we see our kids hurting or suffering, no matter what age they are, we want to comfort them.

Often our first instinct is to tell them that everything will be ok, or that they will be fine.

But here’s the thing — when people of any age are upset, they crave understanding much more than reassurance.

So instead of reassuring, try acknowledging what they are feeling and experiencing, like this:

You studied so hard for that test and it’s really disappointing not to get the grade you wanted.

~

You just can’t stand it when people say things like that about you!

~

You wish you could just play with your trucks in the sand all day, and it’s a bummer that we have to go home soon.

When you give this a try, you will probably notice that understanding is quite a soothing balm in and of itself, and your child might start to settle down even if the upsetting situation has not actually changed one iota.

The grade is still lower than hoped for, the gossip continues, and the park must still be vacated soon, but after receiving your understanding your child may find it easier to accept these realities.

The next time you are tempted to confront someone about their inexcusable behavior or bad attitude, consider that very few of us respond to criticism or negative feedback with a genuine desire to improve.

It’s more likely that we become snarky and passive-aggressive and take the attitude or behavior underground where it can avoid detection yet still do damage.

Instead, try this approach:  Pull the person aside to a private location, ideally behind a closed door, and in a warm tone of voice, say something like, “Help me understand what just went on in the staff meeting,” or, “I’m wondering about the pile of dirty dishes in your room.”

Getting the issue on the table in this way will help to reduce the defensiveness that naturally arises when people perceive themselves as under attack. And the lower the defensiveness, the more quickly issues
can get resolved.

Many of us aren’t sure how to say no in a way that preserves the health of our relationships, so we either give a hit-and-run-no, or we say yes when we shouldn’t and then feel resentment.

Here’s a little formula for refusing a request:

1)  Start with a thank you.

2)  State that you’d like to help.

3)  BRIEFLY explain why you can’t do exactly what they ask.

4)  Offer something you CAN do.

5)  If applicable, provide information that might help to avoid this problem in the future.

Here’s how it might sound in a personal relationship context:

Thanks for keeping track of what time Suzy needs to be picked up tonight.

I’d love to leave work a little early to get her, and we have that department meeting this afternoon, which usually runs late. I’d hate to keep her waiting in the cold if I can’t get out of here on time.

Would you be willing to pick her up this time? There’s no meeting next Wednesday, so I will make sure to arrange my schedule so I can pick her up then.

Hey, how about if I grab some takeout on my way home tonight so we don’t have to worry about cooking dinner?

Here’s how it might look in a business context:

Thanks for letting me know about the extra data you’d like me to add to the briefing report.

I’d like to turn this around for you as quickly as possible, and I will be out of the office in a training all morning. I will get these revisions integrated and return the report to you by 3 pm at the latest.

I’ll be in training several mornings this week, and will check email during breaks. I will let you know that I’ve received your request and give you a time by which you can expect to receive the revisions. Typically it will be before 4:30 pm.

I appreciate your business, and look forward to hearing about how well your presentation goes!

He says: Are you sure you want dessert?
She hears:  Haven’t you had enough? You should eat less.

He meant:  If we leave right now maybe I can still catch the last quarter of the big game on TV.

When our feelings get hurt while communicating with loved ones, we are typically reacting to what we think the other person meant rather than to what he or she actually said.

However, since meanings are frightfully easy to misinterpret (and most of us are not very good mind-readers), the next time you start to feel angry, defensive, or hurt by something someone has said to you, try responding like this:

I’m not sure what you mean by that…

in as gentle and neutral of a tone as you can.

By putting your reaction on hold until you are clear about the other person’s true intention, you’ll be able to derail unnecessary conflicts before they drain time, love, and energy from your relationship.

The idea you owe me causes a great deal of suffering and conflict in relationships. Obligation is never a satisfying motivation, whether you are on the giving end or the receiving end of the resulting action.

Our minds often keep score in our relationships, and then try to guilt ourselves or others into keeping the tally even.

But our hearts simply want to give, and hold no expectation of reciprocity.

Try conducting yourself as if no one owes you anything, and see how your relationships change.

Even after all this time
The sun never says to the earth,
“You owe Me.”

Look what happens with
A love like that,
It lights the Whole Sky.

– from The Gift – Poems by Hafiz by Daniel Ladinsky