love is ...

The only thing that makes you sad is lack of connection to who you are. What people call love, the feeling of love, the feeling of in love, the feeling of joy, is a feeling of no split energy - it's being in sync with the Source. So, any negative emotion you feel is not because of the loss of a person, or the loss of a friend. It's the loss of your connection, the loss of being tuned in and tapped in to who you really are.
- Abraham-Hicks

In other words, the object of our affection is not the source of the good feelings that come with being in love. The good feelings are inside us. Love IS who we are. And we feel much better when we are expressing who we are than when we are not. Congruence is satisfying!

So loving is actually a gift we give to ourselves, and the other person sort of gets the fringe benefit of our affection, attention, acceptance, etc. It's often so much easier for us to feel the flow of love in our hearts when there's someone in front of us who meets our needs and we find adorable.

And it's possible to live as Love even when that's not happening.
More about that later ...

identity crisis

Had an interesting discussion in my women's group today, and my mind has been chewing on it ever since.

Who am I? What defines my identity?

Up until pretty recently, I knew exactly who I was. I defined myself within stable parameters: I was tall with long hair. I was a devoted mother. I was a lifelong learner. I was there for my friends. Yadda yadda yadda. I knew where I stood and what I stood for. I was predictable to myself. I was consistent.

But lately, for some mysterious reason, those walls have come down, and I never know for sure what I might do or say next. The long hair is gone, and I love that. One of my kids is gone and the other has one foot out the door, and it feels perfect. I still love learning, but I also love doing nothing, and I never know which one I'll prefer on any given day.

I am still usually there for my friends, unless I don't feel like it. Some days, when I am writing or hiking or reading a good book, I let my calls go to voice mail. I never used to do that before. I always answered. What if someone needed me?

At first it was sort of distressing, this identity crisis thing, but now I am really enjoying it. I feel free to change my mind. Free to honor my impulses in the moment. Free to make plans that might not happen. Free to break my own rules. Free from needing to be consistent.

Truth is, I don't really care who I am. And, to be uber-frank, I don't care all that much anymore who you think I am, either! Being someone seems highly overrated, and only gets in the way of living in the moment.

How ironic that the boundaries that used to define my identity were also a prison! I like life much better here on the outside.

fact or opinion?

Had lunch with a friend today, and we got to talking about our communication pet peeves. It's so much fun to talk with him, because he can listen to my ten minute meandering attempts to explain something, sit back for a second, and respond with a perfect encapsulation of my meaning in one sentence. I love when that happens!

He hit the nail right on the head with this one: Oh, you are talking about when people can't tell the difference between opinions and facts.

Here's an example: Someone says, "It's cold in here," and the other person says, "No, it's not!" and they go back and forth arguing, not realizing that 'cold' is actually an opinion!

A fact would be: "It's 60 degrees in here." From there, we can each share our experience of that - one can be cold, the other can be comfortable, and there's no need to argue, because we don't need to agree. We can simply respect each other's opinions and personal experiences.

Luckily, I rarely if ever hear this kind of exchange in my circle of close friends; they are an ultra self-aware and self-responsible bunch. I am far more likely to hear "I'm cold" than 'It's cold" from them.

But when I'm out in public and I overhear opinions stated as facts all over the place, it seems kind of amazing to me that people ever manage to understand each other. Right/wrong, good/bad, appropriate/inappropriate ... are all opinions!

And I do love talking in great depth about opinions. I usually find other people's opinions fascinating when they are different than mine. I enjoy hearing what led them to that conclusion, what experiences have contributed to the formation of their opinion, and I usually learn something new. But none of that is possible if they state their opinion as a fact. The conversation and process of getting to know each other just sort of comes to a dead end.

(LOL - here I am, just days after that last blog post of mine about not putting it in my pie, and I'm putting it in my pie! I write about what I most need to learn, see?)

Oh, wait, that reminds me of one more communication pet peeve -- might as well get 'em both off my chest in one post -- misunderstanding statistics and research studies. It doesn't seem to be common knowledge that correlation is not the same as causation.

Let's say you read in the newspaper that 7 out of 10 teenagers who attempted suicide had played a certain video game in the week before their attempt. All we can tell from this is that there's a correlation between the two activities. It does not prove that the game CAUSES suicidal behavior. For all we know, suicidal teens just happen to find that game especially appealing. Could be that suicidal thinking causes video game playing.

What difference does it make? Well, for one, people sometimes use what they think is research based information to override their intuition, inner guidance, or personal experimentation. i.e. I know I always feel great when I eat an egg for breakfast, but this study says eggs cause high cholesterol, so I'll have cereal instead. (Except that another study has shown that high cholesterol is actually related to eating refined grains and sugar! So now what do I eat?)

Another risk of misinterpreting statistics is that we could be barking up the wrong tree. Pulling video games off the shelves is not going to prevent 7 out of 10 teen suicides. When misinterpreted research tell us there's an identified cause for a problem that upsets us, society often invests heavily in that solution and closes off other possibilities.

So every time I hear anyone saying A causes B as if it is a fact, I am compelled to question it. And almost always, it's actually a correlation, not causation, that shows up in the research studies.

It's the ol' chicken and the egg dilemma. We may never know which came first. Which is fine with me! I'm much more interested in hearing the basis of your opinion than pointing out that the statistics don't actually verify your statement as fact.

Allright, that's enough of that! I'm heading to my real kitchen to make a real pie for my friend's birthday celebration tomorrow. Out with pet peeves, in with peaches!

recipe for a sweet life

My summer romance has recently come to completion, and I want to be intentional during the letting go process to make sure I have integrated the things from the relationship that I want to carry forward as well as released anything I don't wish to repeat.

So I spent a few hours hanging out on my favorite rock in the mountains today, and as soon as my mind finally stopped jumping around like a caffeinated preschooler, I was gifted with a whopper of an insight: Just don't put it in your pie!

Weird, right? Yeah, I thought so too when I first heard it on an Abraham-Hicks CD a while ago. Maybe a bit of background might help to put it into context.

Some of you have commented to me that my recent posts have been sort of fixated on the topics of judgment, criticism, and cynicism. True enough! Those are dynamics I haven't had a lot of experience dealing with in someone close to me until I became involved in this relationship.

So I would be sort of bewildered when he would say something like You shouldn't eat that before bed or You are too involved with your kids. I'm thrilled that I got to experience comments like this, though, because I learned about that little translator in my head that I wrote about before, which turned out to be really good at converting those You-Statements to I-Statements so I could decipher the loving intentions beneath them: I want you to sleep well tonight. I hope we can have some time alone soon.

Friends told me that my translator was all nice and good for now, but they didn't want me to have to use it forever. It became sort of automatic, or so I thought, so I wasn't really worried about it. Sometimes, my translator didn't work fast enough, and I'd respond defensively. I was so curious about those times that I did a lot of writing about it to try to understand and re-awaken my compassion. As you know, writing is good medicine for me.

Okay, now, back to the pie. Here's the metaphor a la Abe:

Life is like a big kitchen with millions of ingredients in the well-stocked pantry -- including flavors that some people savor and other people despise. There's sugar and salt, coconut and rhubarb, mincemeat and peaches, all right next to each other on the shelves. There's joy and anger, appreciation and cynicism, judgment and gratitude, war and peace.

We each enter into this well-stocked pantry intending to bake the pie that is our personal life experience. We add ingredients to our pie by paying attention to them. So every time I noticed his cynicism and tried to understand it, I was putting it in my pie! And I just could not understand why my pie tasted so funny, so I kept trying to add more compassion to sweeten it up.

So to me, Just don't put it in your pie means stop trying to understand it. Stop writing about it, stop thinking about it, stop trying to explain how I feel when hear it. Stop focusing on it! Just friggin' keep my eyes moving and turn my attention elsewhere.

Each person in front of me has numerous qualities I could focus on in any given moment -- some sweet, some bitter. It's not helpful to stand in the pantry looking at the rhubarb or the cynicism and think, Hey, what's that doing on the shelf? That shouldn't be here! Get that outta here. I don't want it to sour my sweet apple pie!

Just because I don't like how something tastes does not mean I have the need or the right to take it out of the pantry. To someone else, it could be a delicacy. It can't get into my pie unless I put it there, so it's okay to just let it be.

I still have a lot to learn about how to keep my attention focused only on what I want in my own pie. I keep peeking over at the mincemeat, thinking maybe I could just sneak a little bit of sugar in there and then it might not taste so bad if it happens to get into my pie.

And every time I look at it, a little bit of yucky meaty goo gets sprinkled onto my apples. But I'll get it figured out sooner or later, I'm sure. It's good that it tastes so bad, because that way, I notice it quicker.

too much

In the salon yesterday, while I was in the chair for 90 minutes getting my long hair chopped off, there was a woman who seemed to be a cancer survivor sitting behind me. Her stylist was in the middle of some family drama, and kept pausing to take calls on her cell phone.

Their conversation was exclusively focused on pain, suffering, and condemnation. I found myself wanting to jump out of my skin when the client started explaining in great detail the sensation of the 3 inch needle entering her neck for her latest biopsy. I tried everything I could think of to block out their voices.

I sang in my head, screamed in my head, chanted, listened to their voices like they were music, focused on the traffic noise, took deep breaths, and pretended none of the syllables had any meaning.

What did not occur to me until just this second, which suddenly seems so obvious I want to cry, was to start a conversation with my own stylist. She and I have a lovely connection, and since english is not her first language, and she's very soft spoken, we typically enjoy silence together. I never even considered drowning out their conversation with the sound of my own voice. That's kind of a fascinating glimpse into my inner victim consciousness, huh? LOL.

Anyway, no matter what I did, I could not tune them out. It felt like a relentless jack hammer on my heart and soul. I became absolutely desperate for it to stop, and was just coming to the conclusion that I may have to actually ask them to change the subject, which was excruciatingly painful to think about doing because it felt lame, disrespectful, and invasive, when another stylist showed up and starting talking. So I listened to his voice instead, and I made it through.

I left there feeling new empathy and respect for people who have conversations like that happening around them all day, every day, like my stylist, and people who work in office cubicles, and ... well, I guess LOTS of people are in this situation. It's been ages since I've felt stuck like that, and the feeling of powerlessness is horrible.

If I drank beer, I'd raise one right now and say, This Bud's for you! It's not that hard to feel good when you have control over your surroundings, as I do most of the time since I work for myself from home.

But holy smokes does it up the ante when you are sharing close quarters with jack hammers while striving for inner peace! Clearly I am not yet up for the challenge. And truthfully, I may never be, so I am grateful to be able to design my life to avoid that most of the time.

Here's to you who are out in the trenches, working to feel good in a soup of yuck. I salute your courage and strength.

rite n rong

Spent about an hour last night fully immersed in Abraham-Hicks quotes on the Sun Angel site, http://sun-angel.com/abraham/index.php. Must say I think the phrase Law of Attraction has been overused these days to the point that it's become cliche, but until I come up with a substitution I like better, I'll use it anyway.

Here's a bit of my surfing journey:

Everything is valid and everything is truthful, because Law of Attraction lets everything be. The question is not whether it's right or wrong, whether their approach is right or wrong, or whether my approach is right or wrong. The question is: Does their approach feel good to me? And if it doesn't, then I choose a different approach.

- Abraham-Hicks


I love this simple explanation of why truth is relative -- why what has indisputably worked for me or for you may not work at all for someone else, and why it doesn't matter anyway.

We each live in our own private universe of beliefs, hopes, dreams, and desires. No one life journey is exactly like another. We didn't start from the same place, and don't necessarily desire to travel the same path to the same "destination." So how can we truly know what is right for someone else? It can be a full time job just figuring out what works for our own selves.

Sorta reminds me of those testimonial pages on various nutritional supplement sites. This magic tea or little pill made me lose 48 lbs in only 5 weeks! And there are lots of dramatic before and after pictures to prove it. It's exciting to me to see people succeed in their endeavors, so I always get a kick out of scrolling through the photos and reading the stories.

It's also exciting to me when those pictures and stories inspire other people to leap over the mental hurdle of thinking it's not possible for them. Makes me wonder if perhaps the magic is even more in the hype than in the product itself. Could it be that to the extent that these ads manage to harness our belief in success, and bring us hope, and convince us others have indeed done what we want to do, some of our mental barriers drop away and we can progress?

As I was writing this, an email newsletter from an essential oil company whose products I love was delivered to my inbox. More testimonials! More inspiration from people who found something that helped them feel better! Woo hoo!

Except I also notice that sometimes, in my zeal to relieve what I perceive as suffering, I eagerly share my experience with someone, forgetting that it's only what has worked for me. I happen to love these oils, and a bunch of other products, and I seem to feel better when I use them. So what? That's nice for me, and may or may not be of any value to you at all!

So I've been playing a bit with this question: how can I respectfully share information based on my personal experience that could possibly be helpful to you without becoming invasive?

I have a few ideas so far. The first one came easy: Wait to share until I am asked. I might be too gregarious and enthusiastic to follow this guideline tho, so I better not rely on that alone! And what if you don't know that I have info to share, so you never ask? The concept of waiting intrigues me, however. Probably because it's so foreign to me!

The second idea was a reaction to the first: Just enjoy whatever I am doing that works for me and shut the frick up. That's actually super appealing to me, and probably not super likely, given my nature. But you never know. More and more these days I find I don't have much to say. (Except, of course, when I am writing, which feels different to me somehow because it's sort of one sided and you can just stop reading anytime, so it feels less like an imposition or something...)

The third option I borrowed from Motivational Interviewing, and it sort of combines the best of the first two while factoring in my personality. Ask permission first. Which might sound like, "Hey, you mentioned having a terrible headache today, and I found this stuff that really helps with my headaches. If you are interested in hearing about it, I'd be happy to share. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help you feel better."

That option satisfies me on lots of levels. It's respectful of your process and timetable, does not make any claim that it will work for you, and does not imply that you should feel guilty if you'd rather not hear about it, yet satisfies my desire to contribute to your well being, rather than just standing by helplessly while you are in pain.

I like having options. I think I'll try them like this: Shut the frick up and enjoy doing what works for me, while remaining warm and receptive to requests for help or information. If the request doesn't come, I'll take a few breaths to make sure I am centered and my intention is pure, then I will ask permission to share.

Sounds good. I'm looking forward to experimenting with it. Hey, will you do me a favor? If you notice me getting overzealous with you, please let me know. Sometimes it's hard to catch these things from the inside ...

cutting it off

my hair, that is!!

after 25 years wearing the same simple style, it suddenly just didn't feel like me anymore. So I got gobs of hair chopped off today, and I love it! this grainy webcam pic is all I have until my daughter gets home. But you know how they blow dry and style it at the salon and it may never look the same again? Wanted to capture the moment ...

gained in translation

I recently spent some time with a dear friend who moved away ten years ago. Our sons are close in age, and both of us were new mothers and new in town when we first connected at a La Leche meeting almost 17 years ago.

We used to pop our baby boys into backpacks and tote them along the Boulder Creek Path for as long as they would tolerate it while we indulged in deeply philosophical discussions. She introduced me to Alan Watts and Tom Robbins. I introduced her to Conversations with God. My interactions with her have always been rich, stimulating, and thought-provoking. She's a real treasure in my life, and she brings out the best in me. (I love you, Diana!)

Anyway, as we explored the subject of cynicism while catching up on things, I overheard myself telling her that I've recently discovered the existence of a translator in my head that can transform criticism, judgment, and complaints into simple requests for love and attention.

I can't say that I am actually making use of it full-time quite yet, but I do notice that when the translator is turned on, I feel much warmer and happier and more satisfied with my life.

Theoretically, here's how it works:

Let's say someone who hasn't yet experienced the value of communicating with I-messages tells me, "You aren't listening."

When the translator is switched off, I might listen between the words and hear, in a condescending and icy tone: "There is something wrong with you." I might respond to this kind of message with defensiveness, confusion, or withdrawal.

With the translator on, I hear a small and plaintive voice pleading: "Will you pay more attention to me?" I may be able to grant this request and I may not, but either way I don't feel defensive, and I don't feel the urge to distance myself to avoid further attack. I can remain in contact and connection.

A Course in Miracles teaches that there are only two messages ever being communicated -- love, or a request for love. One response is appropriate for both messages -- offer love. This nifty translator makes even the most cloaked or obscure requests so clear that I feel compelled to respond with compassion.

So when I happen to notice the frozen rigidity of defensiveness in my body, I take a breath and intend to activate my translator. Sometimes it comes online right away, and other times it doesn't, and that's okay. I'm just happy to know it's there, and grateful for the opportunity to practice using it.

the importance of solitude

posted this recently on my other blog, www.advice-for-parents.com
thought you might enjoy it.

I'm a stressed-out stay at home mom of 3 kids (ages 9, 6 and 3) and feel exhausted. My patience is shorter than ever and I need some advice on how to recharge and be a better mom, which to me means being more patient, more willing to answer question after question, and finding more effective ways to deal with many parenting issues that come up each day.

On the day I received this email, I had gotten up early to enjoy several uninterrupted hours in the mountains, and was stunned at how much better I felt, even though I was already feeling pretty good before I went.

So ... for this mom, I have one word of advice.

Actually, three words:

Solitude is critical.

Raising kids is sort of like being devoured by small piranhas. They'll eat you alive one little bite at a time with their constant questions and requests and need for attention. And it's not their job to notice that we need a break and give it to us!

We need to take responsibility for realizing that we are burning out, and take care of ourselves by retreating into solitude. We don't have to go to a spa or get a massage or do anything exotic with that time. It's unbelievably refreshing just to be quiet; to finish a thought without interruption, to move at our natural pace, to let our minds and bodies settle into stillness, and to have no agenda except honoring our own impulses.

It doesn't even take that much time to recharge. A couple hours is usually enough for me. But those hours have to be absolutely mine -- no cell phone, no visits with friends, no paying bills or running errands, no accomplishing anything or being productive.

All else being equal, I like to get out of my house and into nature, preferably near some running water. The details don't really matter. What's important is that we all need time alone. Parents of young children need it even more than the rest of us, but often have a harder time finding it.

No parenting advice or technique will be helpful if you are too burned out to apply it. To instantly and organically improve your parenting, calm your mind and settle your soul by taking some time for yourself.

on defense

The more you defend yourself, the more you believe what you defend against. - Alan Cohen

So what's the alternative to defending yourself?

Let it be.

Take the input of the other party and go inside yourself. Consider what they have presented with an open mind. Capitalize on the opportunity to examine and clarify your own position, stance, or decision. If you need to update yourself, or to gather more information, or change your mind based on this new input, then do it.

There's no need to convince others to see it your way, unless you both enjoy that kind of banter and debate. Just let them be. They have given you a gift by disagreeing with you or presenting an opposing viewpoint. Something new will emerge at the intersection of your perspective and theirs. Watch for it, and turn your attention to nurturing the seedlings of creativity and clarity that sprout within every conflict of opinion.


On another note, here's a pic from my son's graduation from boot camp. It's been fantastic to have him home. Next week he reports for duty in Michigan.

a heart that has room

I've been searching the Web to no avail for a quote I remember reading approximately ten years ago. If you recognize it, will you let me know who deserves credit? I think it goes something like this:

A heart that has room for even one enemy is not a safe place for a friend.

As usual, I could quibble with some of it. But for the most part, I think it makes sense. Have you ever had the experience of listening to a friend complain about or belittle someone who was not present, and felt yourself wondering what she says about YOU in your absence?

I think this quote is speaking to something most of us are intuitively aware of: it doesn't feel good to be judged. Yes, judgment seems to be part of the human package. We all do it to some degree. And I've seen people hold and present their judgments in a variety of ways. Some are more comfortable for me to relate to than others.

Perhaps a few oversimplified definitions could be useful here. When I say judgment, I'm talking about ways of describing, evaluating, packaging, and attributing intention to others which imply that someone is bad, wrong, less than, or stupid. The kind of judgment I am talking about holds others at a distance. In effect, it says "You are doing something I would never do," and "You are not like me."

To my way of thinking, judgment's counterpart is acceptance, which I define as compassionate understanding. It means we realize that under similar circumstances, beliefs, and conditions, we too may have made that decision or taken that action.

Acceptance does not stand above the choices of others and evalute them; it gracefully allows each of us to find our own way and to learn from our own experiences. It respects our common humanity.

It says, "It's okay, it happens, I understand."

It asks, "How can we repair our relationship/restore the balance/return to love together in the Now?"

It has no interest in identifying right from wrong, or separating us. It puts love first. It shines a spotlight on what we have in common.

My quibbles with the quote? Well, if we understand that sometimes people stand in judgment and create separation and enemies because they need to do this to feel better about themselves, then we have found a way to embrace them compassionately even as they judge.

If people believe in a black and white world with clear lines between right and wrong, then doesn't it make sense that they would want to be firmly on the side of Right? And that they would want us to know where they stand? I'm sure I would feel that way. In fact, I'm sure I have felt that way.

Using this awareness to think about the folks who gossip, criticize, or evaluate, we no longer feel vulnerable to their judgment. It becomes clear that it's not even about us. After a certain point in our personal development, we no longer need a guarantee of non-judgment to feel safe.

We no longer hold back our love or friendship, because we know that doing so hurts only ourselves. Others can judge us all they want, and we can embrace them without needing to separate ourselves from them with the thought or words: "I would never judge someone like that!" (Ironic, isn't it? To judge someone for judging others is still judgment.)

The sword of judgment is a heavy one. Eventually, it cuts the hand that wields it. Those who so vehemently judge others rarely escape unscathed -- during quiet moments in the dark of night, they turn the sword upon themselves.

When I remember this, my heart opens wide again. Only Beings in great pain would feel such a need to strike out at others. Striking back at them serves no kind or loving purpose, and simply perpetuates the chain of pain.

Acceptance doesn't mean we all become doormats. We can still exercise discernment, which to me is different than judgment.

Judgment says, "You are bad or wrong or mistaken and I refuse to accept you."

Discernment says, "I don't feel good right here, and I think I will step back a bit until I feel like myself again. You are fine just as you are, and I can enjoy you better from a little bit farther away."

It's late and I'm tired and not at all sure any of this will make sense in the morning! But it wanted to be written tonight, so for whatever it's worth, there you go.

*******
It's morning now, and I'm still not sure this post will make sense to anyone other than me. I do hope it's obvious that my musings reflect only my experience. For me, it is painful to stand in judgment of myself or others. It hurts to create separation by evaluation; to disapprove, condescend, or scold, or to think I could know or do better than they have.

Being human, of course I still do it anyway, and it hurts every time. Sometimes I notice right away, sometimes I don't. I always feel much better when I let my love, approval, attention, and energy flow freely again.

Of course that won't be true for everyone. I trust you to sort out whatever resonates with your experience in my words, and simply discard the rest.

ps: my son graduated from boot camp, and me, my mom, and my daughter were there to see it! he's back home now for a couple weeks, working in the local recruiting office before he reports for duty in Grand Haven, MI. My thanks to all of you who sent kind words and good wishes!

there's hope ...

No matter what is going on in world affairs, we still have more in common with each other than not. Check out this video of some guy named Matt dancing a silly dance with people all over the world, ranging from indigenous New Guinea dudes in full tribal regalia to Japanese schoolgirls. It's a real slice of humanity, and I bet it will bring a smile to your face.

http://www.vimeo.com/1211060

get service

loved this kinda cheesy yet poignant YouTube video:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=LfeXxkbgCVE

chokes me up every time ...

in motion

A few months ago I started noticing that my body wanted to stretch constantly. My fingers feel stiff and constrained unless they can stretch out and explore the full range of motion. My wrists are no longer content to just stay in position over the keyboard -- they want to roll around and explore other options.

My arms want to extend and twist and swing widely while I walk. My feet and legs are happiest when bouncing or rolling back and forth. I feel almost addicted to exploratory movement; testing the limits, trying to feel muscles that I haven't sensed before, seeing how far I can expand and contract.

I've had all kinds of weird symptoms since getting rear-ended this winter, so I just went with this motion thing and didn't think too much of it until my osteopath made a comment that generated a flash of understanding: "We want your system to MOVE under stress, not to lock down."

I'm starting to suspect that this desire for constant motion may actually be an indication of health. All the various therapies I've received since the accident (massage, cranial, pilates, etc) may have released me from some old bodily patterns of holding and tension. With the old habits gone, my body is free to play and experiment.

I can feel tension building up inside me these days, and it feels so good to release it by moving. It doesn't take much -- just the subtle clenching and relaxation of a fist -- to shift from stuck and stagnant to fluid and free. Frequently, when one muscle group gets to play, the others want to join in, and I end up in a full body stretch.

I am surprised at how quickly the tension seems to build up and I need to move again. My marathon writing sessions may be a thing of the past (although sitting on a big bouncy ball at my desk buys me some time before I have to get up again ...)

This makes me wonder about kids who are diagnosed with ADHD. What if our bodies are actually designed to be in constant motion? Maybe certain folks are just unable to suppress their natural instincts, and couldn't that actually be a really healthy thing?

I think maybe we could do better than simply medicating them into stillness -- perhaps we could start by giving them all bouncy balls to sit on, and experiments to learn from instead of just books and lectures, and lots of fresh air and sunshine and opportunities to expand and express motion. I'm aware that ADHD is probably more complicated than that, but I still find it entertaining to ponder transforming supposed liabilities into assets by changing the context. Surely we can find some useful outlet for that abundant energy supply!

I imagine there's some sort of mental/emotional corollary to this exploratory movement thing, and it may reveal itself to me down the road a bit. Or perhaps my mind has been in constant motion for a long time, and my body is just now catching up. Anyway, for now, I'm just happy to be fidgeting and stretching and bouncing and enjoying inhabiting a body that can do so many interesting and rewarding tricks.

love yourself for it

Found this in Rob Breszny's Free Will Astrology column today, so I'm not sure if the quote is accurately attributed or not. I am sure that I deeply resonate with it, as long as we change a few words. I'll tell you what they are after you read it first ....

"The only way to get a difficult feeling to go away is simply to love yourself for it," says author Christiane Northrup. "If you think you're stupid, then love yourself for feeling that way. It's a paradox, but it works. To heal, you must . . . shine the light of compassion on any areas within you that you feel are unacceptable."

Let's replace The only way with One way, and To heal you must with Try experimenting with. Okay, that's better. Now I feel more comfy passing it on ...

Wait a sec, there's more. We don't need to get difficult feelings to "go away." They do that by themselves. So let's take that out too. How about this:

Experiment with loving yourself for feeling whatever way you feel at the moment, and shining the light of your own compassion on any areas within you that feel unacceptable.

Much better. :)

new beginnings

So, I've been seeing someone. Those of you who've been reading the commentary here on my blog might enjoy knowing that you witnessed the birth of my relationship with he-who-shall-remain-anonymous. Turns out he was someone local who I've been casually acquainted with for several years.

I've been sharing my thoughts, time, and attention with him more than with you lately, and that trend may continue for a little while. Interacting and relating with him has definitely expanded my experience and perception in lots of new directions, and no doubt I'll feel compelled to share what I'm learning with you all at some point soon.

For now, I'm off to spend my birthday morning doing one of my favorite activities - visiting with my 93 year old friend Adelle.

:)

love first

Have you seen that bumper sticker that says Love First?

It works as a reminder for me on multiple levels: Put love at top of the priority list. Love before you do or say anything else. Love yourself first. Wait until you feel love before doing or saying anything else.

The Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), a self-administered acupressure technique that helps to restore disrupted energy patterns that impact our health and emotional well being, always starts with a setup phrase: Even though I ____, I deeply and completely love and accept myself and all of my feelings.

The blank can be filled in with anything; have this headache, feel this rage, this grief, this shame, this sore toe, or this jumping out of my skin feeling. The technique continues with several other steps, but I usually start feeling better after tapping on just this one phrase.

While I've been working through some personal issues these past few days, I've been trying to pay close attention to what is happening to see if I can figure out what is causing my suffering. (The word suffering is overly dramatic there - it's more like mild angst. But it still bugs me.)

It seems to go like this: an outer circumstance or piece of information triggers enters my awareness. It triggers a reaction in me depending on where it lands and how sensitive that territory is already. If it's a reaction I'm okay with, it passes through me pretty quickly and is gone.

If I am NOT okay with my reaction - if I judge it as inappropriate or unacceptable in some way, I compound the original reaction with self-recrimination, and the whole thing starts snowballing. Feeling bad about feeling bad about feeling bad ... well, you get the idea.

What seems to interrupt the snowball effect is that EFT phrase: Even though I am not proud of how I am feeling right now, I deeply and completely love and accept myself and all my feelings.

It might even be a bald-faced lie at the moment, because I'm probably NOT accepting all my feelings, but that's okay. It still works, because saying this reminds me that it is possible. It's like programming my inner GPS with a destination. I may not already be there, but at least I know which direction to go.

gotta dash, may write more later. EFT is easy to learn, and if you are interested, there are tons of free tutorials at www.emofree.com.

deciding, 2

My no outcome, no future, just yes or no in the moment experiment is being put to a tough test right now.

Yesterday my daughter and her friend wanted to go to the mall. Normally, I just take a break from whatever I'm doing and drive them, but yesterday, I didn't want to.

I double checked internally - is this a firm No or can it be shifted? It was firm. So I told her I didn't want to drive, and suggested maybe it was a good day for them to learn how to take the city bus.

We got online and checked the maps and schedule. The stop is only a block from our house, so that was easy. We had driven past the stop at the mall many times, so that was easy, too. They set off a bit nervously, exact change in hand, and planned to be back by seven. I returned to my project.

At six, she texted me to ask if I would just pick them up. I checked in with myself again - yes or no? Still No. I told her I still didn't want to drive, and asked if she could dig deep and just take the bus back home.

At 6:30, my phone rang. "He dropped us off in the middle of nowhere." I feel panic rising up in my throat, but I keep my voice low and calm. "Okay, honey, look around. What do you see?" We quickly determine that they took the southbound, not the northbound, and have ended up at the Park 'n Ride the next town over.

She wants me to come pick them up. I check in with myself a third time, and am somewhat dismayed to find it is STILL a No. Part of me says maybe it's important not to rush to her rescue; that she will gain confidence by figuring out how to use the bus system to get home.

So, mustering every ounce of maternal determination, I tell her I will try, by phone, to help her read the schedule that is posted at the bus stop. She is angry and scared, and I can tell she's on the verge of tears. I convey my confidence that they can figure this out, and she hangs up before I've quite finished my last sentence.

I texted her fifteen minutes later to see if they'd made it onto a bus, and received a terse Yes in response. When they finally arrived at home, I was on the phone with a client. My daughter grabbed her sleepover stuff and left before I could connect with her, so I called to see how it went.

A narrative of public transportation hell followed:

- Three different busdrivers had been too annoyed or busy to help them, and she and her friend did not know who else to trust.

- A group of older men remained at the stop in the middle of nowhere after everyone else had left, and sat there smoking and leering at them. She and her friend were trying to figure out where they would run to if they needed to escape, and decided there was nowhere to go.

- When the bus finally came, the girls jumped on with relief and the driver promptly exited to take a ten minute break, leaving them alone with a mentally ill woman who sat across from them saying things like, "There's no food in the house, so we'll have to kill Anne's mother." I must admit I was kinda impressed with this woman's resourcefulness, but my daughter was not amused. Instead she broke down into tears as she was telling me about it and sobbed, "Mom, it was all just too much for me. I never want to ride the bus again. I wish you would have just come and picked us up when I asked you."

Ouch. I heard the voice of guilt, muttering and pacing near the door of my heart, waiting for an invitation to come in. Why didn't you just go get them? Look what your laziness caused! You should have known they were too young to handle this. What if they'd been kidnapped or raped? What kind of mother are you? You left them out there alone and scared! They were easy prey!

I checked back over the preceding events, asking myself if I had ignored any inner promptings that told me to go pick them up, and I truly had not. I had played my part, reading only the lines that were in my heart in each moment, and since I did not have access to the whole script, I do not know why it needed to go that way or what greater purpose it served.

So maybe after sleeping on it, my daughter and her friend will find the humor in the situation. Maybe the fear of what could have happened will dissipate a bit and they will feel some confidence in how they handled things.

Or maybe they will be furious and blame the whole mess on me because I did not pick them up! I don't know, and that's okay, because I don't need to know. I feel strangely confident that I can navigate it as it comes up, and it will all turn out okay in the end. I wonder if maybe this is how it feels to trust Life?

postscript, 3 pm: just finally connected with my daughter today, and asked if she had recovered. she said in the most casual way - Mom, it's almost like it never even happened. It was so bad yesterday, and today, it's nothing. But I'm still not excited about riding the bus. Thank goodness she seems to have inherited my selective memory! So it all did turn out okay in the end. Plus, my colleague gave me some great suggestions for how to debrief the girls in a way that helps them to give themselves proper credit for how resourceful they were under stress. It's all good.

post postscript, a week later: The girls just took the bus to the mall. It was their idea. They did fine even though they had to figure out some scheduling stuff on the fly, and the whole thing was no big deal. No tears, no drama, no trauma. I'm relieved that it came full circle so quickly and painlessly.

Note to self: The yes-or-no-in-the-moment method of decision making still seems to be a good one.

in love

have you ever had the experience of hearing a word or phrase that you've heard a thousand times before, and suddenly, a new meaning reveals itself to you?

that kind of ah-ha moment happened this morning. As my consciousness started awakening, I noticed myself feeling blissfully comfortable and content. I sort of lazily wondered why that was, and a voice in my head said, "Because I'm in love."

In the blink of an eye, I understood that at a whole new level: Love is like a river flowing through my being, and I can float in it or sit on the bank watching it go by. It's not that either one is better than the other; there's a time and a place for each. Sometimes it feels nice to dry off and sun myself for a few minutes on the shore. But usually, I like to be fully immersed.

I wonder if maybe our culture is misunderstanding things a bit when we say we are in love with someone else. Maybe it's just that as we hold the object of our affection in our attention; as we think of them fondly and focus on the good things about them, we are stepping into the river of our own well being. Thinking kind and positive thoughts about other people, ourselves, or even our pets, locates us in the vibration of love.

Listen to the radio for a few minutes and you'll hear plenty of cultural messages that tell us love is about the other person. Don't take your love away from me, How do I live without you, You're my everything, You're the one. You, you, you. No wonder many of us get so freaked out when the other person leaves or changes their mind about us! We've been taught to locate the source of love in someone else, or in the relationship, instead of in ourselves.

Maybe the truth is that we love how we feel when we are loving. That's not quite as specific and personal as we might wish it to be - it means love is portable. We may notice that in the presence of certain packages of qualities, or certain physical chemistries, it is easier for us to step into our own rivers of well being. And that's very nice, especially when it's mutual.

But maybe that's all the other person really is -- a catalyst. No one else can take us there. We step into Love on our own volition.

deciding

I jotted down these notes on a scrap of paper so I could flesh it out into an article when I had time. When I came back to it, it sounded kind of like a poem to me, and I didn't feel like adding anything else.

Decisions

No future.
No outcome.

Simply

yes or no
in each moment.

Then let it go.

The next moment
is already here.

what's playing in my head today

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zN9vd9WUiA

Drive
by Incubus

love these lyrics!!

oh! I just found an acoustic version that's even better!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpwsuhOUAkk&feature=related

soul medicine from Hafiz

Now is the Time

Now is the time to know
That all that you do is sacred.

Now, why not consider
A lasting truce with yourself and God.

Now is the time to understand
That all your ideas of right and wrong
Were just a child's training wheels
To be laid aside
When you finally live
With veracity
And love.

Hafiz is a divine envoy
Whom the Beloved
Has written a holy message upon.

My dear, please tell me,
Why do you still
Throw sticks at your heart
And God?

What is it in that sweet voice inside
That incites you to fear?

Now is the time for the world to know
That every thought and action is sacred.

This is the time for you to compute the impossibility
That there is anything
But Grace.

Now is the season to know
That everything you do
Is sacred.

from The Gift - Poems by Hafiz the Great Sufi Master
translations by Daniel Ladinsky

This poem is medicinal for me. Since being rear-ended in February, I have been making many more "mistakes" than ever before in my life, and sometimes I feel so frustrated and embarrassed - strong reactions that are sort of foreign to me.

Back when I was in school I was always a straight A student, and I grew accustomed to trying hard, doing well, and being commended for it. Now, these temporary cognitive issues have me making errors I don't even notice.

I occasionally start typing the next word in the middle of the word I'm on, use the wrong words completely (that instead of the) or the wrong form of the word (plural when I meant singular.)

What's worse, for me, is that I don't catch my errors. The little flag that used to signal an error upon proofreading seems to have changed to the same color as the background, and I often don't see it at all.

Since the accident did not impact my desire to understand every little thing, I've been observing myself. I've identified three major kinds of mistakes so far:

- minor glitches that I don't even notice until someone else points them out to me (like missing a digit while writing a check and ending up paying interest on a bill I thought was fully paid up)

- things I try to do well and fall short on (like trying to make muffins and burning them because I forget to set the timer)

- actions that spring from deliberately good intentions but do not turn out as planned (like writing an email to commend someone that ends up being circulated and results in others feeling like their hard work has gone unrecognized)

Each seems to trigger its own flavor of ego pain in me. The minor glitches are just embarrassing, and painful in a way that is clearly out of proportion to the offense. I think that's because my long-held identity as a smart, competent, and reliable person is being chipped away one flake at a time, and because this kind of mistake happened only very rarely before the accident. But I get over those fairly quickly. It helps that most often I can take them off the books by fixing them.

Trying and falling short is a bit more embarrassing, and my mind often wants to react with some kind of contraction - like don't stick your neck out again! Only do what you can do perfectly. These, too, were somewhat rare before the accident, since I am typically pretty deliberate in my actions. But it's not too terrible to deal with, because I value expansion, and I know it requires pushing my limits, and I accept that as risky work but worth it.

The third kind --good intentions that don't turn out as planned or appear to cause harm -- well, that one really sucks. I almost always cry when the unintended consequences of my actions are brought to my attention, and my heart sinks right into my stomach. Usually these are the kind of mistake that I cannot fix, and cannot take back. They've gone out into the world and have a life of their own.

This kind of mistake had happened before the accident a handful of times in my life, and I vividly remember each of them.

Another one happened yesterday, which is why I went in search of that poem. It helps for me to think that what appears to be a terrible mistake might actually be just one thread of a larger tapestry. Takes the pressure off, and opens my little ego to the reality that there's more than me here, and that I don't know it all.

Funny how needing to know it all can lead to such feelings of false competence and satisfaction, which then can be so easily yanked out like a carpet beneath my feet. Painful as it is, I am grateful for the opportunity to find something more solid than knowledge, competence or good outcomes to stand upon.

happy virus

after my moments of personal angst have come and gone, I settle in once more to my natural state of being, which Hafiz perfectly expresses for me here:


The Happy Virus

I caught the happy virus last night

When I was out singing beneath the stars.

It is remarkably contagious -

So kiss me.



from The Subject Tonight Is Love - 60 Wild and Sweet Poems of Hafiz

translations by Daniel Ladinsky

in tune with service

Your greatest value to others is when you are joyful. Your greatest value to others is when you are connected. Your greatest value to others is to be radiantly healthy. Your greatest value to others is when you are happy. Your greatest value to others is to have and to be and do all the things that are very important to you.

And as you are living that and vibrating that and oozing that and radiating that - then you are a catalyst that is inspiring others to an awareness of that.

~ Abraham-Hicks

I notice they said "catalyst" for others, not a force. The image I use to remind myself of this is a tuning fork. If you were to attempt to get a tuning fork to sing by hitting it with another one, their vibrations would cancel each other out. Each can only sing if it has space to move freely without inhibition from the other.

The way to inspire someone to joy, if you so desire, is to be unabashedly joyful in their presence . If any part of them also desires to feel joyful, it will effortlessly begin to resonate with your example.

To inspire honesty, be truthful. To inspire trust, be vulnerable. Strike your own fork first, and let your song ring out clear and true. Those who naturally resonate with you will soon add their voices to yours, and together, you will sing your world to life.

let it grow

got up early this am and was out on the trail by 7:20. I was aiming for the sunrise, but that didn't quite happen. it was a spectacular day, and I did my favorite kind of hiking -- walking slowly from big rock to big rock, covering very little ground, and spending the better part of 2 hours sitting and soaking up the sights and smells and sounds as the sun warmed my body from above and the rock cooled it from below.

it's a treat to move that slowly and aimlessly, and my mind usually quiets right down. thoughts of planning are replaced by thoughts of appreciation, and concepts that had been lodged in my mind often percolate down into my heart.

today I was pondering manifestation. Abraham-Hicks, The Secret, Napoleon Hill, and many many others have taught us that there are three steps - Ask, Let It Go, and Receive/Allow. As I walked along, I found myself thinking, "Oh, I should use this time to get clear about what I want next." I laughed out loud at the absurdity of spending this gorgeous day lost in my thoughts. And it hit me like a lightning bolt that I have been investing far more energy than is truly necessary in the Asking part.

In fact, I may have gotten so specific in my requests that I am actually being counter productive. So a new experiment was born in me. What if I just assume that I am already constantly asking, and instead put my energy and focus into the other two steps? I've heard Abraham-Hicks suggest this dozens of times. And today, I got it.

If I ask for a feeling, rather than the material details, it's just like placing an order at a restaurant. I don't need to go into the kitchen and supervise the cook - I can sit out in the clean and quiet dining room and enjoy myself with friends while my meal is prepared for me.

Almost everything I've ever wanted has eventually arrived - usually after I forgot about it. So I decided to let go of asking, and instead just enjoy what is here now, while assuming that more good things I will like are on their way.

And when I got back in the car, this song was playing on the radio:

http://www.last.fm/music/Eric+Clapton/_/Let+It+Grow

heard from my son at boot camp

thought you might want to know that the very highly anticipated first postcard arrived today. he said it's crazy, but worth it, and he misses us. my motherly heart is so much more at peace now.

thank goodness for the US Postal Service, which can bring such relief for less than 50 cents, and the kindly mail carrier who never once made fun of me for bolting out to the mailbox the second she drove up every day.

oh, and not only that, but in the same batch of mail was the most outrageously luscious bracelet - a gift from my friend Debra at blissmonger.com. You gotta check out her jewelry - I'm trying to figure out if I can sleep in this thing because it's just so dang satisfying to look at it. http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5774840

:)

stepping

been getting the same message from all quadrants lately. Eckhart Tolle encapsulates it well:

Your entire life journey ultimately consists of the step you are taking at this moment.

It can be so tempting to look ahead or behind me for a reference point about where I am. My self-generated challenge lately has been to look within me instead -- to pay attention my inner guidance, which shows itself using a myriad of physical sensations; expansion/contraction, warmth/coolness, pleasure/discomfort, and opening/closing.

Sometimes it's hard to immerse my body and mind fully in the present step. I want to zoom ahead and ruminate about where this step is leading -- to predict the destination to see if I like it or not. Yes, I know the destination is never guaranteed. Intellectually, I realize this. But the part of me that really likes security still wants to scan and plan for desired outcomes.

Seems with each passing day this habit becomes less and less ingrained. I am so grateful for all the teachers and mentors who have helped me figure out what to do instead. Now when I notice the anxious feeling that tells me my mind is spinning off into the future, I remember that it just needs something better to do; kind of like a little kid who gets bored while his mom is visiting with a friend and starts digging into cabinets and underneath things in an attempt to find something interesting or entertaining.

My mind is stopped cold in its obsessive tracks if I give it a body-related task. So I've started telling it to scan and identify the points of greatest pressure. If I am standing, I tell it to discover how my weight is distributed on my feet.

My cranial therapist also taught me to try to feel my fourth toe on the floor - the one next to the pinkie. For me, doing this takes almost all of my attention; I can't hold anything else in my consciousness at the same time. And something funny happens if I try to resume my obsessive thinking after that - I just can't find my way back! It's like the trail has been erased. I love that.

swimming

listened to the June Abraham-Hicks CD this morning, and felt like they were talking directly to me. I've been swimming in grace again lately, after forgetting for a while that I could dip into that pool anytime I wanted to. Now that I say that, I wonder if it it is true that I forgot, really. It feels like more of a natural sort of rhythm, like the in breath and out breath. Forgetting is really not any better than remembering ... it's just part of the cycle. So it's okay.

Anyway, my neck and shoulders are still wracked from being rear-ended, but the therapists that are working with me are simply amazing, and I know I am in good hands. Opportunities for personal and professional expansion are everywhere I look, and what's super cool that I'm really grateful for is that I seem to be able to feel through the many gifts I have been given lately and tap into the Benevolent Giver that is the source of them all.

So when I hear the perfect song on the radio, I know it's not that I need to listen to that station or DJ forever -- they were just the vehicle through which the gift was delivered to me at that moment. And rather than fixating on the packaging, I've been able to enjoy the essence of the gift with gratitude, without grasping on to it, because I know that the Source of all these gifts has infinite delivery methods at its disposal. Not that there's anything wrong with grasping - it's all okay. It's just that this level of detachment and trust is a new and cool thing for me.

Oh, and you all, dear readers, are part of the delivery system! For the first time since I started blogging, I am now aware that people are coming here looking to see if I've written anything. And while that doesn't change the fact that sometimes I have nothing to say (or I'd rather be out at the pool than in here at my keyboard), it does inspire me to check in with myself more often to see if anything wants to come forth. So hey, thanks for being my muses!

bonus summer dvd rental recommendation: Lars and the Real Girl. it was wacky and sweet and out there, and a touching illustration of the internal joy that results from loving others as well as giving them the benefit of the doubt. I enjoyed it immensely.

cloud games

crikey I'm a prolific blogger today!

I just wrote this to a client, and I liked it, so I wanted to store it up for myself 'cause I bet I will need the reminder later. She's having some strong feelings coming up, and wondered out loud what she "should think about them":

If you can, don't bother thinking anything about them. It would be just about as pointless as analyzing the shape of the clouds. They are moving and shifting so fast that there's not really any reason to identify or discuss them other than for entertainment. It's unlikely that useful or redeeming conclusions will come from the endeavor.

See if you can invite your attention back to the physical - the ground under your feet, the heat of the sun on your face, the smell of the air, the subtle coolness where it enters your nose. Feeling for those sensations is a good antidote to spinning around in your mind.

gee-tar

could I be the only person on the planet who did not know that you could take guitar lessons on youtube? thank you, anonymous commentary person. your name will go down in infamy with my neighbors for giving me the link to Here Comes the Sun, which led me in two clicks to a much easier starter song, Breathe by Anna Nalick, which I will now play obsessively until my fingers bleed or someone yells at my window to shut up, whichever comes first.

Here's my youtube teacher for today. He's exactly my speed. This is so exciting! Now I can play two tunes, Other Side of the World by KT Tunstall, and this one. woo hoo!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=xPlWlemhAQQ&feature=related

inspired aging

I volunteer with the Boulder County Respite Care team, which matches community members with seniors who for various reasons have requested a friendly, helpful, weekly visitor. My current buddy is a beautiful 93 year old woman, and I eagerly look forward to seeing her each week.

Ours is truly a match made in heaven. She's feisty and independent and in excellent health, and her mind is sharp as a tack. The only thing she needs any help with is reading, because of her macular degeneration. So every week, I read to her from her Science of Mind publications, and we talk about concepts like energy follows attention and our thoughts create our experiences.


I am still in awe at the perfect synergy of our friendship. I was not familiar with Science of Mind or New Thought before I started reading to her - or more accurately, I was very familiar with the principles but did not know they were covered under that umbrella. I can hardly believe my good fortune that I get to spend two uninterrupted hours every week reading aloud the very concepts I most enjoy hearing. Adelle's radiant eyes and enraptured smile sweeten my joy into pure bliss.

She inspires me in so many ways. She's got a dental surgery coming up, and she's worried about it. And even as she is telling me this, she stops mid-sentence to rephrase: "And I am really looking forward to having it over with!"

Her upbringing was very strictly religious -- the kind of Catholicism that says God is always watching and you will never be good enough to satisfy him. Around the age of 65 she started hearing a brief five minute reading on the radio every morning as she got dressed that was like a soothing balm to her soul, which had always been deeply burdened by feelings of unworthiness.

Five minutes at a time, day after day, her burden was slowly penetratedby rays of light and awareness, until it became porous. Finally, she went in search of the local Science of Mind center that was sponsoring the radio segment, and started attending services regularly.

This magical transformation started at age 65. Sixty-five!! For 65 years she thought she was worthless. For her entire working life, she hid in the back of the office, never drawing attention to herself, feeling disposable, feeling afraid her unworthiness would be exposed to all. At her retirement party, even as she accepted the farewells and good wishes, she told herself that actually, they were glad to be rid of her.


When she was telling me this story, I noticed a tiny twinkle in her eye and a flicker of a smile cross her lips. I asked her why, and she said it's because the idea of being unworthy is just so impossibly funny to her now.

Recently, a friend of hers became upset with her for unknown reasons. Adelle told me that at first she felt sad and puzzled and worried that this friendship that she valued so much might be in jeopardy.

And then, just a moment's pause later, Adelle's face opened up into the most radiant smile. She told me that after just a little bit of sadness, she started remembering all the good times she had shared with her friend, and how much she had loved her for all these years, and her heart just opened up. She now feels compassion for whatever pain this misunderstanding must have triggered in her friend, and she said, "There must be something bigger going on that just hasn't been revealed to me yet. I just love my friend so much, and I'm sure this will all turn out okay."

Isn't she amazing? At an age when so many huma