not rowing my boat

I got sick this week, for the first time in a couple years. Nothing major -- a sore throat followed by some sinusy stuff. It took me a couple days to notice that I wasn't terribly annoyed by it. I just blew my nose when it needed blowing and moved on with my life.

This is a nice contrast to past illnesses, which often pissed me off. I wonder if I'm finally starting to experience the distinction between pain and suffering. Pain is just a sensation. Suffering occurs when I resist the sensation by thinking it shouldn't be happening, or I add some layer of meaning onto an experience.

When I have a headache, I still suffer. Maybe eventually I'll stop resisting that flavor of sensation, too. Or maybe not. Anything could happen.

But this week, I was tired so I just went to bed early. I bought some extra kleenex. I gargled with some salt water when I felt like it. And even when my throat was hurting, I didn't feel Bad about it. I didn't devote a lot of time or energy to trying to get better. I felt pretty confident that it would pass on its own soon enough, and I was fine just taking comfort measures while I waited it out.

It's kinda nice living this way. I like feeling the river moving beneath me and knowing that the current will move me to a new experience whether I row myself or not. And since chances are I'll forget this feeling and grab the oars again, I might as well enjoy coasting for now.