wisdom from alan watts

I'm reading a ragged, coffeestained paperback edition of The Wisdom of Insecurity by Alan Watts, courtesy of the Boulder Public Library. Gosh this guy has a way with words!

After a very clear and convincing argument that we simply cannot identify an experiencer who is separate from the experience itself, he goes on to say:

The real reason why human life can be so utterly exasperating and frustrating is not because there are facts called death, pain, fear or hunger. The madness of the thing is that when such facts are present, we circle, buzz, writhe, and whirl, trying to get the "I" out of the experience. We pretend that we are amoebas, and try to protect ourselves from life by splitting ourselves in two. Sanity, wholeness, and integration lie in the realization that we are not divided, that man and his present experience are one, and that no separate "I" or mind can be found.

And ... (bolding is mine for emphasis)

If, on the other hand, you are aware of fear, you realize that, because this feeling is now yourself, escape is impossible. You see that calling it "fear" tells you little or nothing about it, for the comparison and the naming is based not on past experience, but on memory. You have then no choice but to be aware of it with your whole being as an entirely new experience. Indeed, every experience is in this sense new, and at every moment in our lives we are in the midst of the new and the unknown. At this point, you receive the experience without resisting it or naming it, and the whole sense of conflict between "I" and the present reality vanishes.

And finally ...

When, on the other hand, you realize that you live in, that indeed you are this moment now, and no other, that apart from this there is no past and no future, you must relax and taste [life] to the full, whether it be pleasure or pain. At once it becomes obvious why this universe exists, why conscious beings have been produced, why sensitive organs, why space, time and change. The whole problem of justifying nature, of trying to make life mean something in terms of its future, disappears utterly. Obviously, it all exists for this moment. It is a dance, and when you are dancing you are not intent on getting somewhere. You go round and round, but you are not under the illusion that you are pursuing something, or fleeing from the jaws of hell.

I find myself circling around these teachings, coming ever closer to just diving all the way in. Today on my morning walk, I was almost brought to tears by the overwhelming joy of simply being able to breathe.

I still feel separated from my experience most of the time, but I think the borders are becoming a bit more diffuse. Not that it matters, really. As long as I sense borders, I can fully embrace and explore the experience of having edges.

And if they happen to drop away, I can fully experience what it feels like to blend. It's all the same when it comes right down to it ... just greet each experience with awareness.

There's no hierarchy of experience -- none more spiritual or evolved than any other -- although some are certainly more pleasurable. Nothing I need to earn or deserve. Just a moment at a time to be lived. And if I miss one for whatever reason, there will be another right on its heels.