natural birth control

Just read an article in our local weekly paper about the dilemma some women are facing as the economic conditions intensify: having to choose between buying food or birth control. Talk about a terrible double bind! How sad and ironic to decide that you must risk creating more mouths to feed in order to take care of the children you already have.

I dunno why every single high school health class isn't teaching this most basic and empowering health information: women are only fertile during a few days of their monthly cycles.

There are reliable and simple ways to assess your own fertility signals, and you can use the information to help you avoid pregnancy, even if your cycle is irregular. It also helps you know when you have the best chance of conceiving, if that's what you want.

Using it to prevent pregnancy does require abstinence during fertile days, and is therefore not as convenient or practical as, for example, an IUD, but it is free and available to every woman.

And although it does nothing to prevent STD's, and it's not 100% foolproof (no method is ...), basic fertility awareness education could greatly reduce the odds of an unplanned pregnancy. So I'm doing my part to spread the good word.

Here's a site I like with info about The Two Day Method:
http://www.irh.org/RTP-TDM.htm

I also recommend the book Your Fertility Signals by Merryl Winstein.

archives

my daughter and I got home tonight from a delicious spring break in sunny Arizona visiting my mom. I never get tired of those gorgeous red rocks in Sedona!

We left before the snowstorm hit Denver, and returned after the roads were clear and dry. Are we lucky or what?

anyway, just wanted to let you know that before I started this blog, I published lots of postcards from nowhere on my website. they go all the way back to 2001!! so while I slowly ease back into blogging, feel free to visit my archives here:

http://www.karenalonge.com/pfn/pfn_nav.htm

conspiracy exposed

Oh my gosh, how could I have been so stupid?

I fell for all the Law of Attraction hype. I voraciously devoured the plethora of advice about How to Manifest. Yes, there are things and situations I want that I don't have! Sign me up for the program that teaches me how to get them!

Well, heads up, Abraham-Hicks, Louise Hay, The Secret, and other such snake-oil salesmen. I have seen the tiny wizard behind the big curtain, and the gig is up. I know this is all a bait and switch scheme. I've figured out what you are REALLY trying to do with all this manifestational crap. You can't fool me one minute longer.

You don't care whether or not I ever manifest the house, job, car or life of my dreams. You tricked me ... baited me by dangling the fulfillment of my desires in front of me ... told me I could have it all if I just changed my thinking.

But this was never about the future, was it? Huh? Admit it!! You had the bald-faced audacity to actually want me to be happy NOW. But you knew that I wouldn't think that was enough, didn't you? So you went along with me, pretending the future mattered, teaching me how to manifest, telling me to reach for a thought that feels better.

And all the while, you knew that by changing my thoughts in order to attract or create what I wanted in the future, I would become happy in this moment, even before I manifested anything!

It's the crime of the century as far as I'm concerned. The ultimate sleight of hand. While I was busy making a vision board, creatively visualizing, and writing in my Done Book, earnestly imagining how my future would feel, some of that joy seeped into my experience of the present moment. And once that leak started, it wouldn't stop.

See what you have done? Now I am so happy in this moment that I don't even worry about the future any more.

It's brilliant!!!

You were right, by the way. I didn't believe that being fully present and happy in the moment would be enough. It's just too simple, too darn easy.

I really thought there had to be more to it than this. I needed to be tricked out of my delusion that hard work, noble effort, and due diligence were the only way to earn the rewards of satisfaction and joy. And you found the perfect way to do it.

Thank you for everything. I have no complaint whatsoever.


p.s. several hours later: oooh, check out this abe quote I just stumbled across! nice synchronicity, eh? they say it much better than I did ...


As you set a goal to achieve a new house, or a new body size and a shape, or a new occupation - and you reach that goal - you misunderstand, thinking that the new house or new body or new job was the subject of creation, when all along the subject of creation is your state of being.

In this physical experience you use the format of houses and bodies and jobs to facilitate your state of being - but none of those physical things are the subject of your creation. YOU ARE THE SUBJECT OF YOUR CREATION. YOUR STATE OF BEING, OR THE WAY YOU FEEL, IS THE SUBJECT OF YOUR CREATION.

If you will seek ways to observe your state of being, you will have a clearer understanding of how you are doing in the creation of you. If you will deliberately identify the way you want to feel or be, you will be more effective in achieving that which you came into this body to achieve.

- Abraham-Hicks

what happened ...

well, I took the advice I gave to my friend, and spent four hours in the mountains alone on saturday. It took about three of them for my mind to settle down. Finally, a nap in the sun baked my mind into a lazy stupor, and when I woke up, the truth was waiting for me: It hurts to hold back love.

It was just that simple. In order to force myself to stay away from him, I had been closing my heart in a way that was painful. And it wasn't worth it. (this would not be true in all cases, to be sure. Sometimes relationships are dangerous, toxic, or seriously outgrown, and simply must be left behind. I have experienced breakups that were very heart opening for me. But this wasn't one of them.)

I remembered Abraham's wisdom that our purpose here is joy, and that by seeking relief, and doing what feels good in the present moment, we can give ourselves a break from trying to row upstream in the river of life. And when we stop fighting the current and relax, Love will happily carry us to our well being.

I knew exactly what would feel good in the moment. I ran some quick calculations: What was at risk if I contacted him? The answer was illuminating: only my pride. Which, as it turns out, is a renewable resource, so there really was nothing to lose.

So I called him. And he came.

In hindsight, even though this past five weeks sucked in a lot of ways, I am glad it happened. I gained much more than I lost, including the visceral awareness that I don't NEED him, but I do WANT him, and they are very different things. And that when it comes right down to it, it's my moment by moment decisions that turn my boat upstream or downstream. When I notice that I am exhausted from trying so hard, I must be rowing upstream! All I have to do is drop the oars and the current will turn me around again.

I don't know what the future will bring, and I honestly don't care. I am happy in this moment, once more not holding anything back. And that is more than enough. I am here, now, enjoying the scenery, floating on the current of joy and love. The future doesn't need my assistance. It can take care of itself.

on repeat tonight

The Corrs performing an enchanting cover of Little Wing.
I also love Sting's rendition ...

gone beyond

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field.
I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase "each other"
doesn't make any sense.

mevlana jelaluddin rumi - 13th century


After an arduous emotional battle that lasted five long weeks, yesterday I finally declared an inner truce, and made my way to that field for a much needed rest.

And there he was ... patiently awaiting my arrival.

now on facebook

my son finally talked me into it, which was a major accomplishment.
not sure why I was so resistant, but here we go.

want to be my friend? got any pointers to share? look me up.
I think I'm the only Karen Alonge.

mirror, mirror

I just wrote this to a friend who has a big decision to make, in response to her request for suggestions or strategies to help achieve clarity. As I proofread it, I had the uncanny sense that I was writing it to myself, and decided to save it for future reference.

hello my dear friend-

I'm so glad you are taking some time for yourself tomorrow.

Perhaps the first priority is not to actually answer any questions or make any decisions, but to soothe and silence the clamoring of the mind that makes it hard to hear your inner guidance.

I suspect that once you are back in touch with your center and your heart, you will find perspective and clarity waiting for you there. It may not come as specific answers. It might not say Yes, do this or No, don't. (Or it might!)

But I suspect your heart will contextualize the questions into a greater perspective. It will probably tell you that you are Loved no matter what, that these decisions are secondary to the truth of Love itself. It will tell you that it will always be there for you, no matter what you decide.

If I was feeling anxiety about a decision like this, I would most likely not respond well to pressure or deadlines. Before clarity could feel safe coming to me, it might need some reassurance that I will give myself all the time I need to come to a decision that I feel truly, deeply okay with.

I may need to clear some space and time for that to emerge. I may need to postpone making plans or taking action until I can once again hear and honor my inner guidance.

Perhaps what you are going through right now is not simply about this one decision. Maybe it's also about re-wiring the way your heart and mind relate to each other; an opportunity to lay new internal groundwork to help you resolve inner conflict.

This is important work, and worth doing however long it takes. If you choose to move forward, it is the best possible foundation to base a relationship upon. If not, it will nevertheless support you beautifully in every future endeavor you undertake.

It might also be about creating a well worn path to your true center in the forest of Highly Opinionated People -- about hearing the gift of their doubts not as a warning, but as a spotlight that brings your attention to parts of you that are seeking it.

It's not that you must necessarily let those parts rule your life, but they do want to be acknowledged as valuable contributors to your Wholeness, and they want to be heard.

Good luck, my friend. None of this has shaken my faith that All is Well with you, and always will be.

:)

how would I rather feel?

that's my new question. or maybe it's not new, but I just forgot about it for a while?

anyway, I'm taking my self-inquiry deeper than "What do I really want?" because it occurred to me that whatever I want is actually just a means to an end -- I want it because I think having some situation, condition, or circumstance will result in me feeling a certain way. So I'm playing around with cutting out the middleman.

Here's what I found that amazes me about this:

As soon as I've identified how I'd rather feel, I can go there right away, via imagination!

My poor little imagination is sort of withered from disuse. I was a very good student in a traditional school system, which means I was an excellent absorber of other people's knowledge and could regurgitate it on demand. So I'm still recovering! But that's okay. I'm having lots of fun dusting my imagination off and finding out what it can do.

(I just re-read this, and a song in Willy Wonka's voice started playing in my head. I embedded the video below for those like me with bizarre inclinations for musical nostalgia. What a trippy movie this was!)

replay

Yesterday I found myself at Costco with an hour to kill while I got new tires installed on my car. I moseyed over to the book department, and in a sea of titles, Replay by Ken Grimwood caught my attention.

I read for an hour in the Food Court, picked it up again at bedtime, and did not put it down until I finished it at 2 am. It has to be 5 or 10 years since I've done that - and it's exactly why I don't usually read fiction. I get so immersed in the story that I don't function!

Anyway, this book is frickin' amazing. After I finished sobbing grateful tears in recognition of the blessed gift of being human, I was stunned to see that it was written in 1986. How did I miss this masterpiece that's been around for over 20 years? And what the heck was it doing at Costco, tucked in with all the recent bestsellers? (I later saw that it's ranked 2000 something on Amazon, so I suppose it's considered a classic now ...)

Whatever. I'm just so glad it found me.

Since I need to extricate my consciousness from this story so I can function in my own life again, I'm going for a walk rather than trying to write a review myself. There are some good ones on Amazon.

I also enjoyed the Wikipedia entry on the book:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Replay_(novel)

and the author:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ken_Grimwood

parting gifts

I was listening to Sting this morning (Mercury Falling) and some lyrics really hit home:

The wounds she gave me
Were the wounds that would heal me.

I get that. Really, truly get it.

These, too:

And out of the confusion
Where the river meets the sea
Something good would arise
Something better would arise

I don't love this version of the song, but it's what was available for embedding from youtube, in case you want to hear it:

word clouds

this is TOO much fun! http://www.wordle.net/

type in a list of words, and this site turns them into cool, funky word clouds. the color, layout, size, and font can all be tweaked, or it will randomly generate them for you. and it's free!

I just made one for my daughter, with her name and all her awesome qualities. the more often the word appears in the list, the bigger it is in the graphic, so I listed her name about eight times.

this has so many fun applications - how about a gratitude list, a gift of appreciation for a loved one, or a tangible way for parents to let our children know that we see their strengths and talents?

gotta warn ya though, it's addictive! (ooh, and suitable for framing!)

ohhh

Holding steady so far today. It's like the trail back to my memories of him has been erased. The only thought of him I had this morning was to notice that I hadn't thought of him, and that really wasn't about him, it was about me. That lasted only a split second, and it was gone.

As I was whipping up my breakfast smoothie, I had another ah-ha moment. When I'm not worrying about/planning for the future or ruminating on the past, the only thing left to do is notice the moment. (Yeah, yeah, I know, this is not a big news flash. Thank you Eckhart Tolle.)

I've known about this concept for many years, but it's been a mental construct that I peridically impose on the body as an intention, like this: Pay attention! Feel stuff, dang it!!

This morning was different. My body led the way, entertaining my mind with the pressure of my feet on the cold floor, the hard smooth handle of the fridge, and the song of the blender.

And then it was over, and the next thing was happening. Goodness gracious ... what else have I been missing? I feel like an explorer in my own house. Life is ripe with sensations for the plucking. Gonna get busy checking things out.

ENOUGH

anyone else see that movie where J Lo plays a battered woman who decides she's had enough and takes boxing lessons so she can beat the crap out of her abuser? At least that's how I remember it ... it was a while ago so I could be off on the details.

anyway, that's sort of what happened in my mind today. I've finally had enough.

Enough of the idealized memories, enough of the big frickin' bungee cord that seems to attach my heart to his and can stretch to the thickness of a human hair without breaking. Enough sadness, enough longing, enough remembering the sweet times, enough wondering if I did the right thing. ENOUGH!!

So I went for a hike up to my favorite thinking rock. As I walked, I practiced every single energy technique that I've ever learned on myself. I also put out an invitation to any spirit guides or angels or personal assistants who were in the vicinity: Please help me let this go. I don't know how.

Soon thereafter it occurred to me that I needed to systematically forgive myself for all of it, up to and including my inability to forgive myself for all of it. I figured I better ask for help with that one, too, so I did.

Then it seemed like a good idea to make a tiny little rock cairn. Then I felt like enclosing it with the shape of a heart made of even tinier rocks. When it was done, I knew it was time to go.

The hike back to the car was slow. My head was held high, there was a new spring in my step, and I noticed details I had not seen before. I felt lighter. Hallelujah.

Later in the afternoon, the sun called me outside again. So I took my little Happy Bunny journal, and I went to the park. I sat under a tree, and I made three lists, starting with Reasons why I broke this relationship off. I dug deep. I got ridiculous and petty. I did not whitewash anything. I gave no credit for potential. This list was a very important reality check, and the perfect antidote to my idealistic memory.

I knew I was reaching the end of it when I felt my heart softening up and saying, Yeah, but .... As in, Yeah, but remember how great it was when he ...

So I started list number two: Sweet things I want to carry forward. That list was longer, and I loved watching it grow.

As I started to run out of momentum on that one, list number three sprouted organically: Things I want in my next relationship. That was a really fun one!

By the time I stopped writing, I was blissing out in joy, hope, and optimistic anticipation. The sad ruminating over idealized memories had vanished, taking with it my longing to return to the past.

Don't ask me why I didn't think to do this sooner. I guess it just wasn't time yet. But holy smokes, do I feel better. As I was doing dishes tonight, I washed a mug that we bought together, and normally I feel all sappy when I do that. Tonight, nothing happened. It was just another mug. (for now, anyway! who knows what tomorrow will bring ... LOL)

Some random realizations:

Relationship is just a different flavor of life experience than solitude. No better, no worse, no more noble or evolved, and no less. And it's okay to have a preference. Which I do ... relationship. It's just so much fun!

My goal to love myself as easily and effortlessly as I love others might have been a little off. I just don't think it's going to feel the same. They are different experiences. So I'm scaling it back to just Love, with no object specified, and for the times when I can't quite reach Love, I'm gonna aim for Acceptance. That's a relief.

I get myself into trouble when I compare myself to others. I didn't realize how much I was still doing that, but it's actually quite often. Got my work cut out for me in that dept.

things are not always as they appear

these are SO up my alley ...

http://www.hongkiat.com/blog/100-funny-photos-taken-at-unusual-angle-humor/

energy work

I recently posted that I am loving Elma Mayer's free group healing sessions by phone on Saturday mornings. I may also have mentioned that I'm trained in the type of work she does, but am nowhere near as experienced or effective. I dabble, and have facilitated some minor shifts. She's the Real Thing.

She's offering several more free calls, which I highly recommend. This Saturday, March 21, from 9-10 Pacific Time, she's working on financial issues. She's amazing. I listen to her Wholeness Alignments CD several times a week for a comprehensive energetic tuneup. Check out her site for more info: www.nowhealing.com

I have referred many friends to her for private sessions, including my friend Kate who writes a heartfelt blog narrating her journey with infertility treatments. She wondered what the heck energetic corrections or alignments were, so I attempted to explain. It's a challenge to clearly articulate something this obscure, but I'm mostly satisfied with what I came up with for now, and thought you might like to read it:

Elma may have preferred to spend your limited time together working on you rather than explaining the details of what she was doing, so I'm gonna tackle the challenge of trying to explain it with a metaphor.

Okay, here goes:

Imagine your spine (Elma may have called it your center or midline) as a projector, like those ones that shine the constellations of the night sky on the ceiling of a dark room. If you want to see something different on the ceiling, you gotta change the holes in the projector, right? It won't work to go up to the ceiling and try to change it there.

Physical manifestations are like the stars on the ceiling. Energy work changes the projector.

You won't necessarily consciously FEEL neutral or unattached to the outcome immediately, because feelings are also like the stars on the ceiling.

Just as the light needs a little time to make it up to the ceiling in its new pattern, sometimes energy shifts can take a little time to reach our feelings, conscious awareness, and physical manifestation. Other times, people feel different or notice changes right away.

Once the projector has been changed, the stars on the ceiling MUST also change. They have no choice.

Sometimes they don't change enough to satisfy us, and we go back for more tweaks. Sometimes, one session is enough.

Over the past several years, I've seen energy work result in remarkable physical changes in cases where no other kind of intervention made a dent, both for folks who 'believed' in it AND folks who didn't.

***

I am eager to gain additional experience, so if you have an issue that is bugging you physically or emotionally, I'd be happy to work on you for free. It's completely non-invasive, so the worst that can happen is that nothing will change. This type of healing works remotely, which means I don't need to see you to work on you -- we can meet by phone. If you are curious and want to give it a shot, lemme know: karen@karenalonge.com

If you'd prefer to work with a master healer, schedule a session with Elma! www.nowhealing.com

:)

article in Scientific American about the placebo effect

here's an excerpt (I bolded certain parts for emphasis):

As evidence of this idea, counseling psychologist Cynthia McRae of the University of Denver and her colleagues reported in 2004 the surprising success of a sham brain surgery in improving the quality of life of patients with advanced Parkinson’s disease. Surgeons performed the sham operation to compare its efficacy with that of implanting human embryonic dopamine neurons into the brains of Parkinson’s patients, who suffer from a lack of dopamine. In McRae’s follow-up study, which assessed the patients’ quality of life up to a year later, the researchers found that the patients who received the sham surgery were doing just as well physically, socially and emotionally as were the patients who had received the new cells. What mattered was not the transplant itself but whether a patient thought he or she had received it.


Read the entire article here:

http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?id=placebo-effect-a-cure-in-the-mind

blogotherapy

My psyche must have been busy on the dream plane last night, because a head-smacking realization catapulted me out of bed pretty early this morning.

Only a tiny fraction of what I've been calling grief is actually sadness. It's mostly regret, self-blame, and doubt.

My mantra lately has been this is not about him. This morning, I finally know what it IS about: My soul is divided. I am at war with myself, waging an inner debate about the choice I made to end this relationship. To take Abraham Lincoln's A house divided cannot stand one step farther: A soul divided cannot move forward.

I see my overall identity as put together like a puzzle. Each piece is a subpersonality; there's a critic, a nurturer, a narrator, a mystic, a dreamer, and many more. Unlike Sybil, the famous multiple personality, my pieces fit together very snugly. They communicate and work together as a functional whole most of the time. But sort of like nations that share a border, sometimes there are squabbles.

My father died of cancer when I was very young. He had been in remission, and his death was quite sudden and unexpected. It's becoming clear that one of my subpersonalities is still back in that experience, asking, "Where's my daddy? I want him to hold me!"

Another is saying, with the developmentally appropriate perception of a three year old who thinks the entire world revolves around her, "It's my fault that he is gone. If I had been a 'good girl', he'd still be here."

Yet another is a bit older, living with a stepfather who loved me and had a lot of wonderful qualities, but was not physically affectionate or demonstrative with me.

So it's starting to make sense why I am having trouble letting go and moving on, and why I cried when my craniosacral therapist cradled my head yesterday. Parts of me are still diligently trying to procure the masculine attention, affection, and contact that I did not receive from my father.

Understandably, those subpersonalities simply cannot comprehend why I would intentionally walk away from a very good source of the nutrients they are so hungry for. So they have more or less seceded from the Union of Me, and are waging a civil war against the parts of me that knew that this relationship was not working for me in other important ways.

This awareness is a huge relief to me. Now that I know that I have a few stragglers who have separated from the rest of the puzzle, I can invite them to come back home by listening to their concerns with compassion, thanking them for their efforts on my behalf, and assuring them that we will indeed find healthy ways to satisfy their needs that work for all of the parts, not just a few.

In fact, simply because I have become aware of what has been going on, something important has already started shifting. My soul feels more integrated already. Thank goodness! It's about time for a change.

ps: I hope it's clear that I don't think my dad or anyone else is at fault here. We all have life experiences that shape us in one way or another, and we all have the freedom to re-shape ourselves as we wish. I have no doubt that my soul signed up for these early circumstances.

still peeling

This grieving thing is very humbling. Every time I think I have reached a place of relative emotional stability, another layer peels off and exposes more feelings to deal with. I'm not used to this!

Today I started crying when my craniosacral therapist cradled my head in her hands. It's been a while since anyone has touched me with love and tenderness, and I had forgotten what it felt like. Her contact was purely professional, of course, and my reaction took me by surprise. I felt an almost primal sense of relief and comfort.

I wonder if this is the feeling that drives the instinctive attachment-promoting behavior of babies and young children, even in terrible conditions and with less than optimal parental figures.

In the car on my way home, I had to smile in appreciation of the irony. Earlier today I cheerfully told a friend how happy I was being single, and that I thought I might stay that way for quite a while. Ha. I s'pose that was tantamount to "making God laugh by telling Him/Her/It my plans."

My goal since the breakup has been to experience the same kind of relationship with my Inner Being as I do with other people -- to love, respect, forgive, and connect with myself as easily and naturally as I can with a lover.

And yes, I'm well aware that I am an idealist! I set BIG goals for myself: to love unconditionally ... to find and nurture the sparks of light within darkness, no matter how tiny ...to keep my attention focused on what feels good and nourishes me. Those are not normal, average, everyday kinds of aspirations. I've given up trying to figure out why I want these things, and simply accepted that I am fringe.

But now I find myself wondering, is this kind of tangible self-love even possible for everyone? I know it's been done before -- I hear and read about it. I have friends who slip gracefully into meditation and hear inner guidance as clear as a voice on the telephone, and tap into bliss as reliably as turning on a water faucet. That sounds so appealing to me!

But maybe they have some kind of wiring that I don't have. Maybe some of us are more naturally self-sufficient and self-contained than others. Maybe they are here to experience something different than I am in this lifetime.

Or maybe not. It makes sense to me that there are infinite potentials and possibilities here on this playground. I don't want to jump to premature conclusions, or put any kind of unnecessary ceiling on my aspirations. All I can do from here is just continue to experiment and notice what happens in my experience. Time will surely tell.

the truth of kindness

Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true. -- Robert Brault

Interesting food for thought.

I agree that it is easier to know what is kind than what is true, and I hypothesize that this may be because truth varies with perspective and is therefore rather tricky to pin down, whereas kindness is a subjective feeling.

Kindness has an distinctive internal flavor -- it's not about the spirit in which a comment is received, but rather the spirit in which it is delivered. We can all feel when our intentions are kind or otherwise. Kindess is a gift we give to ourselves, before we even say a word to anyone else. It feels good to be kind.

If we change this to say "true for me" it might be easier to determine, but even still, it's not as elegant of a guideline to keep us feeling happy and connected as "Is it kind?"

back in the saddle again

(I can't help hearing those words in Steven Tyler's voice ... I do love me a good Aerosmith tune!)

anyhoo, I am back.

for now, anyway.

I can tell because I found myself singing in the car for the first time in a few weeks, and noticed that I am once again feeling happy for no reason.

I had already regained my ability to feel joyful when something sweet was happening around me, so that was nice. And today I seem to have returned to happiness as my default state. Whew, what a relief! Seems like it took a long time to bounce back.

Now when I think of him, it is with tremendous appreciation for the many gifts he gave me during our time together. He was the catalyst for a whole lot of self-reflection and transformation, and for that I will be forever grateful.

I'm psyched about this fresh new sense of deep satisfaction with my life Exactly As It Is Right Now. I spose some interesting new development will soon be fertilized by the energy that I used to put into wishing things were different.

Can't wait to see what happens next (and at the same time, it really doesn't matter!)

Linking In

I'm buffing up my LinkedIn profile. Come visit me there if you'd like!
I'm open to expanding my contact list ...

http://www.linkedin.com/pub/dir/?last=alonge&first=karen

dichotomy resolved?

I recently wrote about walking the line between acceptance and creation in my post A Novel Idea. I was sensing that that these two activities were in opposition, but also suspecting there was probably another way to look at it.

Earlier today everything sort of gelled internally, and this afternoon I bounded up to my keyboard clutching a little scrap of paper that I had scribbled some notes on while waiting at a stoplight in my car.

When I take one step back, I lose sight of any dichotomy between acceptance and creation. As humans, we want. It's simply what we do. It happens naturally that as we move through our experiences, we generate preferences and desires. And perhaps this is by intelligent design.

At the risk of WAY oversimplifying this, maybe Consciousness created us as its physical instruments so that it could experience itself, and use that feedback to further create and expand. A big ol' blob of awareness has no sensory organs, and that's no fun! Maybe Jewel was onto something when she sang: We are ... God's eyes, God's hands, God's heart.

I think it's also a Hindu myth that God/Source/The Big Cheese could not know or experience Itself when it was in a state of Oneness, so one day it clustered itself off into little bits that seemed to be separate from each other, and the play of interacting with Itself-in-Disguise began.

I'm liking the idea of Source as pure potential consciousness that occasionally crystallizes just for the fun of it -- for the joy of experience and expansion.

So how does this help answer the question of whether to just lay back and accept it all or get busy dreaming?

I'm testing out a probe to determine whether a desire is the kind that will likely lead me into a feeling of suffering (in the Buddhist sense of the word) or joy:

Why do I want this?

If the answer is Because it will ______ (bring me peace, make me feel better, improve me or my life in some way, etc) then it's probably leading to suffering, and I might want to apply a little bit of acceptance to my current circumstances instead.

If the answer is Why not? or Just for the heck of it! or Just to see how it feels! then it's probably creative expansion at its finest, and ripe for the dreaming.

Both acceptance and creation are valid choices, each leading eventually to the same destination of Experience. Like good ol' Abe says, You never get it right because you never get it done. We are creative beings, and each moment brings another opportunity for some kind of experience that will expand Consciousness in one direction or another. So it's all good.

no waiting

I'm officially done with waiting. If I notice I am waiting for something or someone, I'm gonna do something else instead. I don't want to spend one precious moment on hold. At the very least, I can actively look around and find something to bless, love, or appreciate!

a new friend

Used to be that when I thought of "me", I immediately identified with my mind: the mini-me that lives in my head behind my eyes. It's only been very recently that I have even noticed that there's a sensation in my feet as I walk. If I had drawn a map of my attention and consciousness, it was all above the neck.

So a while ago, when I wrote that post saying as long as I don't abandon myself, I'll always be in good company or something like that, it was my thoughts -- the little voices in my head -- who were keeping me company.

A few events and circumstances have conspired lately to free up a lot of attention that I used to invest in external targets and refocus it on my physical form: my daughter has been super busy away from home, I ended my romantic relationship, and I triggered a neck injury that has not quite finished healing yet while playing tennis this weekend, and spent the past five days wafting in and out of a major headache.

Of course I have projects piling up and deadlines to meet, and I have been able to accomplish nothing. Every time I sit down to work, my eyes and thoughts just won't focus, so I end up taking yet another nap.

What's been good about this is it's slowed me down tremendously, and I've been spending a lot of time stretching while trying to find relief. This morning on the floor I had a head-smacking realization: this body is as much or maybe more of a true companion than my thoughts.

My thoughts come and go with the wind. My body is the most consistent and stable presence in my life. (Even beyond that, I understand that consciousness or awareness contains all that and more, but I haven't quite tapped directly into that yet. )

For now, I'm sort of stunned to realize that I have more or less ignored my very best friend for 42 years. Or worse, that my thoughts have often attacked, harassed, and denigrated my physical form. And all this time, my body has patiently and lovingly supported me, loyally serving me unconditionally while receiving no appreciation or gratitude from me.

It's probably no coincidence that two powerful realizations are occurring for me simultaneously: I no longer believe that having a mate would make my life one whit better, and I discover that I already have a tangible, loving, lifelong companion inside my very own skin.

a novel idea

the intention I've been playing with lately is Acceptance.

it's kind of an interesting line to walk. to the left I perceive total surrender to whatever is happening at the moment ... for example, immersing myself fully in the joys of life as a single mother: tons of time with my daughter, lots of writing, more sleep, long uninterrupted sessions of organizing and getting caught up on paperwork, leisurely phone calls with friends, and many slow walks in the sunshine.

to the right side of this line I see the opportunity to create my future experiences by dreaming them and allowing them in ... for example, feeling joyful anticipation about the relationship that I have been creating in my Done Book, seeing couples sharing beautiful moments and thinking, "That's where I am headed," feeling my hands in the clay and molding my future.

I haven't quite mapped out my unique and dynamic balance between these two activities yet. I suspect that what I currently perceive as a dichotomy -- these being on opposite sides of some arbitrary center -- probably isn't.

So my next experiment will be spending about 20 minutes twice a day engaging in intentionally creative daydreaming, and the rest of the time keeping my focus on my bodily sensations in the moment. Seems like a decent place to start, and I can make adjustments until it feels maximally nourishing and fun. I'm open to suggestions if you have any to share ...

soul food

this recipe makes absolutely delicious brownies, and as an added bonus, they are dairy free, gluten free, and super quick to mix up. (not vegan, tho ... uses eggs)

check it out:
http://www.elanaspantry.com/desserts/brownies/

I didn't have enough agave, so I used mostly maple syrup. I also didn't have dark chocolate, so I used semi-sweet chips.

The brownies not only melt in your mouth, but they are also high in protein and calcium because of the almond butter. Doesn't that make them practically a health food? :)