rear view

Even when a car has that little warning printed on the side mirror that says, "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear," accidents still happen due to blind spots.

I've been reading this super cool book called Deep Survival: Who Lives, Who Dies, and Why, which illuminates the inherently human perceptual and cognitive distortions that can actually kill us.

It explains why smart people make seemingly stupid choices that mystify onlookers and even themselves. It's a fascinating read -- right up my alley. I'm sure I'll be writing a lot more about it.

Anyway, inspired no doubt by my bedtime reading, this morning one of own cognitive distortions revealed itself to me. I labeled it, "Events in the past seem a lot more pleasant than they actually were."

I was musing about the relationship pattern that came to my attention recently courtesy of a bad haircut. I was laughing at myself (kindly, with great compassion) for actually thinking that maybe I should give the stylist another shot.

I was amused because of course that's what I always think right before I get back together with a man I've broken up with. He's a great guy, we have so much going for us, maybe just a teensy little adjustment will bring it all back into balance again. It's worth a try!

Seems the farther away in time I get from an experience or a relationship, the more romanticized and idealized the memory of it becomes. My hindsight is definitely not 20/20. It's highly distorted. Only the fun stuff sticks around. When I replay a memory, it's like watching the past through a soft, rosy lens. Sometimes, there's even an accompanying soundtrack!

And that's fine. It makes reminiscing about the past a nice, pleasant experience for me. The problem comes in when I try to make a decision based on my memories -- when I compare or contrast, or take inventory, or re-evaluate.

Wait, is it true that the farther away I get the sweeter the memory is? No, not always. Not all of my memories stay positively charged forever. Sometimes the distortion is curved. For a few weeks after a breakup or decision, the memories are highly positive -- maybe that's so I can cry a lot and get some good grieving in -- and then after a certain point, the recollections do seem to become a bit more balanced, giving me access to both the pleasant and not-so-pleasant stuff. So maybe sometimes it's more like a blind spot than a mirror distortion.

And maybe even my perception of this distortion is distorted! It never really ends, does it? It's dang near impossible to see yourself clearly.

In any case, I'd like to post a warning in my mind that says, "Memories appear more positive than they are, and are for entertainment purposes only. DO NOT make any actual decisions based on what you see here."

Now if only I could invent the mental equivalent of a post-it ...