will vs intuition

I had to laugh when I read this on my friend Kate's blog:

On a different note, or maybe not, I realize that I write stuff again and again and again. I am so sorry. I repeat myself. And tend to be redundant at temporally infrequent intervals. Did I mention I am sorry about that? I can hear you all now, yeah yeah, foggy mountain, yeah yeah, blue kate, financial worry, shitty work stress, yeah yeah we know we know we know.

But I swear, in the moment I am writing, it does not matter if I wrote it before, it is what I am thinking and feeling. But I also realize it is probably not so great from a reader sensitivity perspective, unless you are into deja vu-ishness.

That's the story of my life! It's like my awareness travels a spiral path, and everytime I come around to that side it feels new again ...

so, chances are good that I've written about this before. But since I clearly haven't mastered it, I spose I will probably keep writing about it until I do:

Standing in front of the toaster oven just now, watching my cinnamon bread turn a luscious golden brown, I remembered how futile it is for me to make decisions that rely on will power.

See, yesterday I 'decided' I was going to try eliminating grains and refined sugar from my diet to see how I would feel. I made it most of the day just fine, and then evening rolled around, and I realized I had let myself get too hungry. So I ate ... well ... suffice it to say that I ate just a little bit out of just about every bag in my pantry. Grains? You bet. Sugar? Definitely. Both in perfect combination in that cinnamon toast.

Sigh.

I swear this happens eventually with every single decision I make. So I'm thinking it must have been Divine Inspiration that found me in front of my toaster and whispered in my ear Stop trying to make these silly decisions in advance! Just trust yourself in the moment.

I must say that's a little bit scary and a little bit of a relief all at once. Am I ready to let go like that? What if I eat so much that I can't fit into any of my clothes anymore? What if grains are causing brain fog and I just keep eating them until I get lost in it and I can't find my way out? Will chaos rule if I take time off from micromanaging my future? (Yes, I know how extremely paranoid all this sounds. Can you imagine what it's like for me to live with a mind like this?)

But the relief part is palpable. Because frankly, it feels weak and pathetic to be unable to enforce my own proclamations. Better to stop making them, and instead, just do the best I can in each moment to try to tap into my inner guidance and then follow it. Since my will power has let me down 100% of the time in the past, it seems I don't have much to lose.

Okay ... that's rather amusing. Now I am proclaiming that I will stop making proclamations! This habit might be a little bit harder to break than I anticipated. Guess I've got my work cut out for me.