random thoughts after a disagreement

I never really learned how to argue. To the best of my recollection, which we already know is quite spotty, my dad was a pretty confident guy. Some might even say he was rather bullheaded. There was just no arguing with him. He was sure that he was right, and therefore anyone who disagreed with him was wrong, so he saw no reason to waste his time listening, negotiating, or exchanging ideas. He simply had no interest in budging from his original contention. He was not, as my friend Adelle puts it, "open at the top."

My mom seemed to know better than to attempt to convince him to see things from a different perspective. I do recall her dissolving into tears of frustration during dinner a few times, but I don't remember witnessing any outright conflict between them. If they did argue, it did not happen in front of me. So I didn't absorb any useful fightin' skills at home. No negotiation skills, either. No biggie. I learned plenty of other useful stuff at home, for which I am very grateful.

As an adult, my community of friends has always been mostly comprised of people with a similar outlook and perspective on life to mine. Which I really like, because we don't need to invest time and energy into finding common ground, so we can get busy right away playfully expanding and creating together.

So up until recently, I haven't really needed to learn how to argue or communicate disagreement. But these days, there's someone in my life who I care about very much who doesn't see the world the way I do. And after a recent unsuccessful attempt to get him to acknowledge that there could possibly be more than one valid perspective, I felt the urgent need to re-center myself.

So I hiked out to my thinkin' rock at sunrise this morning. Steadfast in my determination to take full responsibility for my contribution to our dynamic, I audited what I could remember of our conversation, trying to figure out where and how the connection broke down.

I had a few ah-ha realizations. (My thinkin' rock never lets me down.)

I now suspect that he, kinda like my dad, was not interested in changing his mind or hearing my perspective at that moment. He just wanted me to hear his. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's only human to seek acknowledgment and attention. I really like being heard, too.

The problem was that I erroneously assumed that since he had shared his opinion with me, it meant he was open to hearing mine as well. I assumed he was starting a conversation. And to be completely honest, I pretty much always assume that my friends want to hear what I have to say. Which is arrogant, perhaps, but habitual nonetheless. It's a growing edge for me. I'm a work in progress.

In any case, we all know how risky it is to ass-u-me, right?

Had it occurred to me that he just wanted me to listen, I might have responded very differently. Instead of treating it as an invitation for an exchange of ideas, I could have received it as a one way delivery. Which quickly leads me to the realization that my pool of responses to unsolicited advice, opinions, or information is woefully inadequate. I'm not accustomed to accepting one way deliveries from anyone except my dad, and he's been dead for years. So I made myself a list of good-feelin' ways to respond to such comments, which I typed up below and in another post called twenty responses to unsolicited advice.

The triggering comment is often something that I consider to be an opinion but he considers to be a fact. For example, while I am enjoying a cookie he might say Too much sugar causes diabetes. I happen to believe that there are multiple causative factors beneath illnesses, including thoughts, beliefs, and expectations. Instead of explaining that I don't believe it's that simple, and trying to launch a discussion about the many potential non-physical root causes of disease, I might try saying something from my list:

I'd be curious to hear about your personal experience with that concept.

Thank you, and I'm gonna change the subject now.

Thank you, and I will give that some thought.

I agree that it may be one of the contributing factors.

I am sure that is indeed one piece of a rather complicated puzzle.

That's probably true in some cases.

I know you are really passionate about nutrition.

I appreciate that you want to share what you learn with me.

I don't know what to say to that.

Wow.

That's one way to look at it.

Could be.

Well, as you know I have an unconventional opinion about that.

We may need to agree to disagree on that point.

Hopefully you can respect my right to take a different perspective.

That interpretation does not resonate with me, but thanks for sharing it.

Thanks, and if I want to hear more about that, I'll be sure to ask you.

Is this something you want to discuss, or did you just want to let me know your thoughts?

I can't tell you what a relief it is to have this list! I think I might actually print it out and post it on my fridge. It's like I am learning a foreign language or something. It might take a while before it feels natural, and I'm sure some of these will feel better than others, but I am looking forward to experimenting with it.

As I proofread this post, it occurred to me that many of these statements still make the assumption that the other party is interested in my opinion, including whether I agree or disagree, which may or may not be true.

These options are an improvement over trying to convince them that there's validity in other perspectives, but are still not as clean as a pure reflection like, "You believe that sugar is damaging to the body," which keeps my opinion neatly out of the conversation. That kind of response is certainly worth experimenting with, too. Like I said, it's a work in progress.

Although realistically, it's probably not a sustainable friendship if it consists solely of one way deliveries and there's never any real desire to hear about my perspective. Hmmm, that sounds like fodder for my next visit to my thinkin' rock ...