disrespect

just got off the phone with a soul sister, and it never ceases to amaze me that even though we live a thousand miles apart, we inevitably end up working the same issues at the same time. It's so wonderful to have such pleasant company on this journey!

so anyway, I heard myself saying quite adamantly that I felt deeply disrespected by my friends who insist that I am wrong if I don't see things their way. Disrespect is not a word or concept that is usually in my vocabulary, so I knew something was up.

I decided to do The Work of Byron Katie on it. I skipped right to the turnarounds, because I suspected one of my blind spots was beginning to reveal itself, and I wanted to get right on it.

I started with How am I disrespecting myself? but there was no juice there.

So I moved on to How am I disrespecting them? and hit pay dirt. I am disrespecting them when they express their opinions (which they insist are not opinions, but obvious facts) and I argue, defend, or disagree. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, including the opinion that their opinion is a fact!

I am disrespecting them by violating their right to have an opinion that is different than mine every time I try to convert them to my way of thinking.

I am even disrespecting them when I ask them to acknowledge the validity of multiple perspectives! That's like asking a colorblind guy to admit that there's a green 3 in that red circle. He's not withholding on me. He simply can't see it!!

I am disrespecting them when I get upset when they say I am in denial, which is also nothing more than their opinion! But I treat it like it's a terrible accusation, and I try to change their minds. Which is not only Hopeless, as Katie says, but a waste of my time and energy.

So what I want to do instead is let it go. Respond as Katie suggests, saying, "You may be right."
And then deal with my trigger on my own, NOT WITH THEM. Look at whatever piece of advice or judgment I wanted to defend myself against in private or with a supportive friend, and keep clearing it until I feel neutral about us having a differing opinion. (There are lots of ways to neutralize issues like that -- EFT, The Work, Yuen, and Hoponopono are some of my favorites. )

I like the idea of reframing my expectations of the role of these friends in my life, from being collaborators to being pointers. They are often impeccable at showing me where I am not clear. Because if I was clear, I would not feel the need to have their validation.

So I can give up trying to convince them of anything.

And I can stop trying to get them to acknowledge what I know intuitively and relationally to be true for me.

For me is the critical part of that statement, because I can't say for sure it's Right, just right for me. And I only know that because it's what my inner guidance asks me to do, and because when I do otherwise, I feel crappy.

I'm happy with this plan. Might take a while to solidify it so it becomes my default, but that's okay with me. It's just nice to have some idea of where I want to go from here.