breaking it down

Regular readers have probably noticed me chewing on something big lately, trying to break it down into something I can digest and absorb: How to respond to friends who declare that these are terrible times and that everything around us is simply wrong to its very core -- our government, global warming, international relations, human rights abuses, and whatnot -- and who furthermore insist that if I don't agree I am in denial.

This accusation of being in denial, I just in this moment realized, judges me as wrong to the very core, as well. Hmmm. No wonder I feel defensive at times! I don't expect this kind of an attack from a friend who I have welcomed into my personal sanctuary.

On the other hand, if they can see only wrongness in the world, then of course it makes sense that they would see me as wrong, too. Gee ... I gotta ponder the implications of that for a while. It would seem that it's not actually a personal attack, but rather the only possible way they can perceive me given the lens they are looking through.

Anyway, the responses that I've tried thus far often leave me feeling crappy. If I agree, I feel dishonest, because I don't really see things that way. If I disagree, I feel rude or defensive, which also diminishes me. If I say nothing, the conversation stops, and I feel disconnected. If I change the subject, I feel dismissive, and I don't like that either. So my dilemma has been how to respond in a way that is genuine and respectful of both parties.

Good ol' reflective listening seems like a great option (Sounds like you think things are pretty bleak right now.) But here's what I've noticed about that: it often leads to further ranting on their part. Which is fine if they are strangers, or people I don't spend much time with. But to be painfully honest, that kind of conversation doesn't sustain my interest for very long. My attention soon wanders in search of something more interesting. Which brings me back to feeling rude and disconnected from someone I care about. See the problem?

In all fairness, one of my options is to reduce the amount of time I spend with these friends. I was hoping it wouldn't come to that, and have been working hard to figure out other solutions, but that one is still on the table, too. Although doing that feels like a wimpy cop out somehow. I want to be more creative than that.

I love passionate discourse, and to me, generalizations are jails of limitation that must be broken out of. I just HAVE to point out the exceptions! Tell me that the CEO's of big companies are only out to make themselves rich, and I want to tell you about the Gates Foundation. Tell me that Republicans are attacking Obama to further their self-serving agenda, and I want to introduce you to my friend's dyed-in-the-wool Republican brother who voted for him.

In fact, make any statement about a group rather than an individual you know personally, and my mental wheels begin spinning furiously. There are no Democrats, Republicans, immigrants, CEO's or single mothers in my world. There are only individuals with complex and unique combinations of associations. Stereotypes and group identities are meaningless to me.

And furthermore (now look who is ranting!!) I don't even want to hear your assumptions about the motives of individuals you know personally. Just tell me about you -- your experiences, dreams, thoughts, feelings, and responses to people and events.

In my defense, (here I go defending myself again ...) several very successful models of psychology have been built on this foundational understanding. Breaking free from generalizations and assumptions is super helpful for people who are seeking to increase their awareness and joy. (Think cognitive psychology, NLP, the Meta Model, etc.)

And yes, I do need to learn to shut the F up unless I have been asked to help others break free of their mental chains, and get busy breaking my own. Been working on that for many years, with a modest amount of success, actually. But still, I ain't no Mother Teresa.

I just can't get it through my thick skull that anyone would intentionally choose to stay stuck in the ick, or want to lump magnificently unique individuals into groups and make negative assumptions about the motives of all of them. But there are plenty of theories out there about that, and I have much to learn.

So anyway, I was pleased when I woke up this morning and discovered that a brand spanking new response had sprouted overnight: I wonder what this situation will give birth to?

I find this especially delicious because it works on multiple levels. The situation they are complaining about will certainly give rise to something new, as will our interaction about it.

The discomfort I felt last night after a conversation gone bad gave birth to this idea and this post. Repressive governments incubate reform. Injustice cries out for justice. Recessions fuel the collective desire for an economy that provides sustainably for all. Social problems stimulate innovation and intervention.

It all balances out in the end, if we can take a broad enough perspective to see it. Wherever attention is focused, change naturally follows. So by becoming curious about what the situation will give birth to, I can turn my attention to solutions rather than problems, and invite the conversation to move in a direction that fascinates me. Because I genuinely am interested in hearing about what kind of changes people would like to see.

I'll let you know how it goes ...