still peeling

This grieving thing is very humbling. Every time I think I have reached a place of relative emotional stability, another layer peels off and exposes more feelings to deal with. I'm not used to this!

Today I started crying when my craniosacral therapist cradled my head in her hands. It's been a while since anyone has touched me with love and tenderness, and I had forgotten what it felt like. Her contact was purely professional, of course, and my reaction took me by surprise. I felt an almost primal sense of relief and comfort.

I wonder if this is the feeling that drives the instinctive attachment-promoting behavior of babies and young children, even in terrible conditions and with less than optimal parental figures.

In the car on my way home, I had to smile in appreciation of the irony. Earlier today I cheerfully told a friend how happy I was being single, and that I thought I might stay that way for quite a while. Ha. I s'pose that was tantamount to "making God laugh by telling Him/Her/It my plans."

My goal since the breakup has been to experience the same kind of relationship with my Inner Being as I do with other people -- to love, respect, forgive, and connect with myself as easily and naturally as I can with a lover.

And yes, I'm well aware that I am an idealist! I set BIG goals for myself: to love unconditionally ... to find and nurture the sparks of light within darkness, no matter how tiny ...to keep my attention focused on what feels good and nourishes me. Those are not normal, average, everyday kinds of aspirations. I've given up trying to figure out why I want these things, and simply accepted that I am fringe.

But now I find myself wondering, is this kind of tangible self-love even possible for everyone? I know it's been done before -- I hear and read about it. I have friends who slip gracefully into meditation and hear inner guidance as clear as a voice on the telephone, and tap into bliss as reliably as turning on a water faucet. That sounds so appealing to me!

But maybe they have some kind of wiring that I don't have. Maybe some of us are more naturally self-sufficient and self-contained than others. Maybe they are here to experience something different than I am in this lifetime.

Or maybe not. It makes sense to me that there are infinite potentials and possibilities here on this playground. I don't want to jump to premature conclusions, or put any kind of unnecessary ceiling on my aspirations. All I can do from here is just continue to experiment and notice what happens in my experience. Time will surely tell.