a new friend

Used to be that when I thought of "me", I immediately identified with my mind: the mini-me that lives in my head behind my eyes. It's only been very recently that I have even noticed that there's a sensation in my feet as I walk. If I had drawn a map of my attention and consciousness, it was all above the neck.

So a while ago, when I wrote that post saying as long as I don't abandon myself, I'll always be in good company or something like that, it was my thoughts -- the little voices in my head -- who were keeping me company.

A few events and circumstances have conspired lately to free up a lot of attention that I used to invest in external targets and refocus it on my physical form: my daughter has been super busy away from home, I ended my romantic relationship, and I triggered a neck injury that has not quite finished healing yet while playing tennis this weekend, and spent the past five days wafting in and out of a major headache.

Of course I have projects piling up and deadlines to meet, and I have been able to accomplish nothing. Every time I sit down to work, my eyes and thoughts just won't focus, so I end up taking yet another nap.

What's been good about this is it's slowed me down tremendously, and I've been spending a lot of time stretching while trying to find relief. This morning on the floor I had a head-smacking realization: this body is as much or maybe more of a true companion than my thoughts.

My thoughts come and go with the wind. My body is the most consistent and stable presence in my life. (Even beyond that, I understand that consciousness or awareness contains all that and more, but I haven't quite tapped directly into that yet. )

For now, I'm sort of stunned to realize that I have more or less ignored my very best friend for 42 years. Or worse, that my thoughts have often attacked, harassed, and denigrated my physical form. And all this time, my body has patiently and lovingly supported me, loyally serving me unconditionally while receiving no appreciation or gratitude from me.

It's probably no coincidence that two powerful realizations are occurring for me simultaneously: I no longer believe that having a mate would make my life one whit better, and I discover that I already have a tangible, loving, lifelong companion inside my very own skin.