regrets

hit a bit of a rough patch this afternoon. the Why Couldn't I's have landed.

Why couldn't I just have waited to have that conversation until I wasn't so triggered ... Why couldn't I have kept quiet and let it go ... Why couldn't I have trusted more ... worked on my own stuff more diligently ... tried harder ... been more patient ... dug a little deeper ... hung in there a while longer... figured out some other way to work this out.

A lot of second guessing. A lot of wishing I could have done better.

And right alongside that stuff is the quiet awareness that if I could have, I would have. And even if I did, it might not have made any difference in the outcome.

Yesterday I noticed my ego unsuccessfully trying to blame him.

Today I was not as quick to note that it had succeeded in blaming me.

***
At least this has opened up some new territory for my Wish Book. Tonight I'll be writing about how I want to feel after ending a relationship. I'll describe how I will talk to myself, soothe myself, and forgive myself. Up until now I have written primarily about external details (such as the morning sun). This time, the focus will be completely internal.