beholding again

I spent a few hours with a beloved friend yesterday who is ten years older than I am. We dissected and examined every nuance of being an aging woman. We laughed, we cried, and by the time she left, I not only remembered what I had forgotten, but I had learned some new things, too.

I think a lot of what was going on for me the other night had to do with taking on cultural standards of beauty that did not belong to me. It's hard to describe, but it's sort of like I don't have many filters up to keep me separate from what I perceive.

One night about twenty years ago, my husband came home late from work and found me in bed, curled up in a ball and sobbing. He consoled me for a long time before I was able to articulate why I was grieving: a character in one of my favorite TV shows had been diagnosed with cancer. I was crying like she was my best friend or something. Weird, huh? I'm better at that nowadays (plus I don't watch TV anymore) but something about that big movie screen just sucks me right in. I know better than to go see horror flicks or scary movies, but this one seemed innocuous enough ...

Anyway, my theory is that these actresses are aware that they are aging. No doubt they have some strong feelings about it since appearance has a great deal to do with their livelihood. I soaked it all right up just like a sponge, and thought those feelings were mine. Of course, SOME of them were indeed mine, or I would not have resonated with them. But I think I absorbed a very amplified version.

So I had to do some personal inventory work to ground myself back into my own experience. Luckily, absolutely NOTHING in my life is dependent upon my appearance, so it really doesn't matter at all. When I got back into my own skin, I remembered that I spend about five minutes each morning in front of a mirror, and the rest of my time is spent looking at the beautiful faces of people I love. I am surrounded by beauty all the time!

I also remembered my dear friend Bernice, and the post I wrote about how beautiful she looked as she was dying: http://www.karenalonge.com/2006/08/beholding.html

That led to another insight. I do not know these actresses. I wonder if appearance alone, divorced from any relationship, more naturally leads to criticism and judgment.

Maybe it's like looking at only one side of a many faceted jewel. It's easier to focus on the flaws when you zoom in on just one aspect in isolation. I don't do that with people I know personally because I am busy enjoying so many dimensions of who they are that it all rolls in to one beautiful package.

So I'm done with this beauty concept for now. I'd rather appreciate the many loving faces in my life than criticize the lines on my own.