ass-u-me

my mind has been exploding with ideas to write about lately, and I find myself feeling annoyed by the need to eat and sleep because they take me away from my keyboard. I can easily see myself reveling in the lifestyle of an eccentric writer like Emma Thompson's character in Stranger Than Fiction; walking around in my pajamas for days until I have recorded my latest brainstorm in text.

anyhow, I have some time before my next 'to do' this afternoon, so I grabbed the copious notes I've been taking for the past 48 hours, hustled up to my computer, and decided to open today's daily quote from Alan Cohen while I waited for the Blogger login to pop up on my screen. Lo and behold, and I should no longer be surprised at synchronicities like this, he perfectly summarized the topic I was planning to write about:

Don't assume you know what someone else should be doing.

-- Alan Cohen

Of course, I feel compelled to elaborate, but if you don't have much time today, you can just stop reading right here 'cause that's the gist of it.

oh, but first, one quick diversion. have I thanked you lately for reading me? Because I just figured out last night that writing is serious magic for me. Robin and I have been doing a lot of research on brain function lately, and I think what might be happening is that through the act of writing, I am transferring the nebulous and abstract concepts that are generated by my right hemisphere over to my left, thereby anchoring them in the concrete world. Grounding them, I spose you could say.

I write to learn, although I suspect that my enthusiasm and passion probably make it sound more like I am teaching or preaching rather than still learning this stuff myself. Sorry 'bout that! In any case, writing relieves a tremendous pressure that builds up in me, and I'm so grateful for each of you who indulge me by reading and responding. I feel deeply blessed.

So ... back to this thing about assuming you know what other people should do. I've been having an interesting email exchange about this very topic lately, and it's also came up numerous times this week while coaching probation officers in Motivational Interviewing techniques. I'm guessing I must be ripe for some growth and expansion in this area, because I'm being stimulated to think about it all over the place.

Many of us with 'helper' personality types think we know what other people need. It can seem as obvious as the nose on their face that they need to go to AA, exercise more, spend more time in prayer or meditation, surrender, go back to school, leave their relationship, eat more veggies, or whatever. But here's the thing: we cannot possibly know where anyone else has come from, and where they are going. We can't know what their God, Soul, or Inner Being (take your pick) wants them to experience and why. They are the only ones with access to that information.

This might sound radical, but sometimes it's not even accurate to assume people want to get better. Haven't you heard folks all over the place thanking their cancer or heart attack or whatever for reminding them about what was important to them? We truly don't know what any experience, pleasant or unpleasant, means to anyone else. And even if they say they want to get better, their God/Soul/Inner Being may have other plans for them. Who knows?

So it seems to me that there are more respectful and effective ways to contribute to someone else's wellbeing than 'shoulding' on them, which I'll refer to as Fixing. I like having a variety of options to experiment with, because each person is different, and brings out a different side of me. Here's my list of ideas so far:

Listen for common ground - can I personally relate to anything they are experiencing or feeling? For example, have I ever decided to make a change and found it hard to follow through? Have I ever wished I could do something different but felt stuck in the same old patterns? Have I ever complained about something before I was ready to act on it?

the answer to all of these is "Uhhhhhh .... heck yeah!"

So I can probably relate to something in this person's experience. When I find that common ground, my heart will open, and I will stop trying to tell them how simple it would be for them to fix their problem. (I laughed out loud while proofreading these words: simple to fix their problem. yeah, right! as if a) it needs to be fixed, b) it will be simple, and c) I have the solution. I crack myself up. But I really do believe all that sometimes ...)

As a side note, Motivational Interviewing research suggests that most of us are far more likely to resist other people's suggestions than implement them, whereas action plans generated from within will probably be followed through. So by suggesting a solution, I am probably just triggering resistance which actually anchors them more firmly to where they are. Which is not such a big help after all!

Empathize - don't try to connect their experience to mine in any way. just try to understand where they are coming from. stay completely present with them, actively working to understand the spoken and unspoken nuances of their experience, and communicating them in such a way as to invite further clarification.

Ask what I can do to help - this one can be tricky, and I think I need to use it only after listening or empathy. Jumping in with an offer to help before they know I understand their experience could sound like Fixing.

So let's plug these into a real scenario. Say someone says to me, "My back hurts."

Fixing response: "Here's the number of my chiropractor. She's great with back problems."

Listening response: Nod or murmur sympathetically. Think about how I felt when I had a headache last week. Remember that I appreciated simple expressions of understanding and sympathy much more than being handed an aspirin. Decide to give empathy.

Empathizing response: "Ouch. I can see you holding your body differently. That must really suck because I know you have so much to do today." Decide to offer my help.

Ask if I can help: "Is there anything I can do to help? I'm running errands today, and would be happy to pick up some groceries for you or bring your son home from school if you'd like."

Oh, darn, my writing time is over! Okay, well, if you have other suggestions for things I could add to my list, will you let me know?

thanks! :)