the dangers of diagnosing intention

Today a kid in one of my daughter's classes asked the teacher to help him understand a homework problem. The teacher refused, saying, "Why should I help you when you don't even care enough to remember to bring your book to class?" (No wonder so many kids hate school!)

This teacher diagnosed his student's intention, and then responded based upon his unverified assumption, effectively shutting down all further communication. (Also, might I add, shutting down an opportunity for learning!)

Parents do the same thing to their kids when they say things like:

You just want attention.
You think you can have everything your way.
You are trying to get out of taking responsibility.

And adults do it to each other as well:

If I was important to you, you would pick me up at the airport.
If he really wanted this to work out, he wouldn't have walked away.
She's trying to go behind my back.

Could there be any reason other than 'not caring' when a student forgets his book? I can think of a whole bunch of possibilities. Maybe his parents were arguing this morning and he was so stressed out about the thought that they could get divorced that he left without his backpack.

Maybe he was up all night caring for a sick little sister and barely woke up in time to dash for the bus.

Maybe he works the late shift so he can contribute financially to his family.

And yes, maybe he really doesn't care, but then why was he asking his teacher for help understanding a homework problem?

What actually led to the forgotten book really doesn't matter, though. What concerns me is that when we spend time and energy trying to diagnose someone else's motivation or intention, we are tethering our attention to the past, and missing the opportunity to deal with the situation that is in front of us right now.

If you just gotta diagnose intention, then see if you can come up with something that gives the other person the benefit of the doubt. You'll feel much better, and are more likely to preserve the relationship that way.

But even better would be to deal with what is happening right now. The teacher above might have said, "I'll need to refer to the textbook to help you understand this, and I see you don't have one. What can we do about that?" My daughter was right next to him, and would happily have shared her book. Besides, she also needed help with that problem!

The dangers of diagnosing intention are many. The temporary satisfaction of 'feeling justified and right' comes at the expense of connection, communication, and clarity.

The Work of Byron Katie includes an elegant question that can disrupt this cycle. If you notice you have diagnosed someone's intention, ask yourself, "Can I absolutely know that is true?" If you are honest, the answer will almost always be NO. This awareness makes it easier to focus your attention on finding a solution in the present moment instead.

we do well when we can.

We really do.

If I could have said it better right then, I would have.

If I could have paused and reflected before acting, I would have.

If I could have done more, I would have.

Whatever I did was the very best I was capable of at that moment.

You too. Our kids, too.

Know the empty boat story? I think it's Zen. Maybe Taoist. I get those confused. Anyway, here's my version:

This dude is sitting in a boat on a foggy lake, fishing. Through the mist, he sees what appears to be another boat heading in his direction.

He calls out, "Hey, watch out. You are going to run into my boat."

The boat keeps coming.

He cries out with more volume and intensity, "HEY!! WATCH OUT!! YOU ARE GOING TO RUN INTO MY BOAT!!"

The incoming boat remains set on a collision course.

He hollers frantically, "YOU IDIOT!! STEER YOUR FRIGGIN' BOAT!!!"

CRASH!

Now that the boat has run into him, and the mist no longer obscures his vision, he peers fiercely into it to see who will be the recipient of his angry tirade.

It's empty.

The anger instantly dissolves into laughter. How sheepish and ridiculous it feels to yell at an empty boat!

We are all empty boats. If we could steer better, we would. Sometimes, for reasons that have nothing to do with each other, we just can't. This is part and parcel of the human condition.

So rather than yelling at an empty boat -- letting our anger about their incompetence or arrogance or blatant disregard for us blind us -- we can instead take responsibility for our own safety by moving our own boat out of the way.

That doesn't mean we abandon the job or relationship or apartment, just that we take control over our whereabouts, our attention, and our options in this moment. We respond to things as they are, not as we wish they would be. We do what we can to take care of ourselves, moment to moment, rather than handing that responsibility to an empty boat.

knowing enough

No one knows enough to be a pessimist. -- Wayne Dyer

I've been holding this quote in my inbox since early August - letting it percolate until I figured out what exactly I thought about it. When I first read it, I gloated confidently from my position of firmly entrenched optimism: "Oh, yes. So true."

Until today, when it occurred to me that if this statement is accurate, then it is only fair to also say that no one knows enough to be an optimist, either.

Finally I tried this on for size, and it seemed to fit: No one knows enough to formulate accurate conclusions about what anything means or how anything will turn out.

Which lands me firmly back in the Yes Or No In The Moment camp once again. That gut feeling -- uh-huh or nuh-uh -- is all that seems to remain when I strip away my inaccurate predictions and my unfounded trust in the certainty of cause and effect.

So I wonder why it is so difficult for me to act on my gut instincts at times. Why do I talk myself out of following my inner guidance? Why do I tend to place more faith in an intellectual conclusion based on insufficient data than on my intuition, which taps directly into a far larger pool of information than my conscious mind can access? Strange.

As I write this, a new angle of approach occurs to me. Maybe I can predict some things with more certainty than others -- the things I have creative control over. So it's probably fairly safe to say that whatever happens, I will handle it, will eventually get over it, and this too shall pass.

It's probably safe to say that my feelings will rise and/or fall and eventually settle down. Hmmm, I think this must be one of the advantages of having lived a handful of decades. I have lots of 'getting over it' under my belt. I've seen lots of trauma and drama and bliss come and go, and I'm still here.

Maybe predictions were necessary crutches when I did not yet have the life experiences that taught me I could rely on my ability to handle situations as they arose. I predicted so I could prepare. Not such a bad strategy, really. Just not as helpful or necessary as it used to be.

questions that aren't

(just posted this on www.advice-for-parents.com, but I think it may be useful for more than just parent/child relationships ... )

Are you wearing THAT?
Do you really want to do that?
Are you aware of how that looks?
You don't really feel that way, do you?
Why are you doing that?

Feel kinda slimed as you read these? Me, too.

That's because these are not really requests for information or clarification -- they are actually thinly disguised criticisms. The underlying message seeps out between the lines: I disapprove of your choice. Now I want you to justify it to me so I can show you how wrong you are.

Whoever is asking these questions has already decided that the clothing, behavior, or decision in question is wrong, unwise, inappropriate, or ill advised. Most of us react defensively to this kind of covert attack. We're not usually eager to have an extended conversation about how stupid someone thinks we are.

Want your teen (or friend, coworker, lover) to talk to you? Try these openers instead:

I'm wondering if you might get really chilly tonight wearing a sleeveless shirt to the football game.

I see you've decided on a plan of action. Can we talk about some of my concerns?

I'm worried that the skirt you are wearing might attract sexual attention from older men. What are your thoughts about that?

I'd like to hear more about how you feel.

I'm nervous about some possible ramifications of that decision. You've probably thought about this already ... and I would feel so much better if we could chat a bit so you can reassure me that you've covered all the bases.

You'll create a much stronger relationship if you can leave disapproval out of the recipe. Assume the other party has good (but not always totally well informed) reasons for the choices she has made, and make a genuine request for her to share her perspective and reasoning with you.

Listen respectfully, and ask permission before sharing your concerns or opinions. Ask questions like, "How have you decided to handle any potential unexpected obstacles ... an injury ... car trouble ... or if someone you rode with starts drinking?" Bringing up contingencies this way respects autonomy, and introduces potential pitfalls onto the radar screen without insulting anyone.

Strive to become curious rather than critical, respectful rather than judgmental, and you will position yourself as an ally to be consulted rather than an enemy to be avoided.

decisions, decisions!

from Alan Cohen's daily email quotes:

Don't make any decisions before you need to. -- source unknown

I say something like this to clients quite often. Which, of course, means I need to hear it!

My reasoning is this: At the time the decision must be made, I will have more information than I do now. Any choice made in advance of that moment may have to be changed to accomodate last minute information received, so why waste time and energy on it now?

And even if there's no new data to consider at the moment the choice must be made, additional emotional or intuitive cues will be available to me then that aren't here now. Seems to me it's worth the wait.

There's always something better I could be doing than ruminating about the future. So I put it aside and promise myself that when the decision comes into my present moment, I will give it my full attention.

Maybe decisions are like roses ... the most beautiful ones have been allowed to unfold from within on a timetable all their own.

sneaking in veggies

Find myself gravitating back toward a predominantly raw food diet again, except I'm not calling it raw, just "eating as much fresh food as possible, without getting rigid about it." Which means that yesterday at the Labor Day parade I was free to enjoy several soft chewy Tootsie Rolls!

Here's my recipe for a delicious smoothie that you'd never know contains the equivalent of two big salads. My daughter and I love sharing this for breakfast or after school.

2 c. fresh fruit juice (I like OJ best)
2-3 bananas (either fresh or frozen will work)
1 c. blueberries (fresh or frozen)
4 c. salad greens (I use two giant handfuls of the organic stuff from Costco that comes in a big tub. It's already washed and ready to eat.)

optional: a peach or mango if you have one handy
whey protein powder

Blend it up, adding water if necessary. The blueberries will make sure it comes out purple, not green. Mmm mmm good!