heal thyself

The fierce wind is whirling leaves around in my yard like crazy today. Thoughts are spinning in my head just like the leaves. Maybe writing will help them settle down.

First, have I told you lately how much I loved the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert? What a fantastic read. I feel as if she's a friend of mine. I guess that's the hallmark of great writing for me - personal vulnerability, exposing the thoughts and the journey that make us all human, finding kinship in the shared experience. I went to the author's website and liked her even more. What a gem.

Next up, this whole healing thing. I've written before about Len Hew and his ho'oponopono (http://www.hooponopono.org/Articles/100_percent_responsible.html).

It's coming around again in my consciousness. Some of you know I'm trained in the Yuen Method, as well as a few other healing modalities. I've been feeling somewhat burdened lately by my knowledge - there are so many who are suffering, and there just aren't enough hours in the day to try to help all of them. Besides, I'm getting kinda tired.

So I was thinking about kind of going on strike. (A strike ... against my own expectations of myself? Brilliant, huh? I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed.) As a protest, maybe I'd take a job that involved manual labor - no contact with people, no thinking, just action on autopilot. It started sounding like a relief.

Thank goodness I came across ho'oponopono again. I'm finding such great comfort in it. I gotta warn you, it's fringe. Very fringe. But so am I, so it works for me. Check this out:

Manipulation happens when I (as a therapist) come from the idea that you are ill and I am going to work on you. On the other hand, it's not manipulation if I realize that you are coming to me to give me a chance to look at what's going on in me. There's a big difference.

One paragraph and I am free again. I got confused for a while there, and thought I needed to heal others. But there is no Other. It's just as futile as trying to change a movie by manipulating the screen. I am the projector. That's where change happens.

So I'm feeling revitalized by this reminder about where to focus. Someone comes to me in emotional pain? I look inside for my own and bring love to that part of myself. Anger, depression, addiction, suffering ... all can be only be transformed at the projector. And yes, people do feel better as a result. It's just that my focus is on me, not them. That just works much better for my narcisstic temperament.

People in my awareness are giving me the gift of acting as my screen so I can see what my projector is creating. It's not unlike the turnarounds in The Work of Byron Katie. I see someone smoking and wish he wouldn't? I go inside my own mind, and look for my own addictions, and work to repair those. That's where the healing happens - not by helping him to change. Physician, heal thyself.

So really, there's only ONE client on my roster. Me. Pretty simple, right? Still a full time job - not because I'm excessively messed up, but because my awareness is very refined, and I feel the pain I inflict upon myself when I judge. And because I keep getting confused about the projector and the screen.

For the moment at least, those whirling thoughts have settled down, and I feel clear. Thanks for listening.