words

my daughter is going into 8th grade, which has gotta be one of Dante's levels of hell. She sure is suffering while she works things out for herself socially. All I can do is rub her back and dry her tears and witness the fury and pain as it releases from her system. She rights herself much more quickly than I remember doing at her age. Heck, who am I kidding -- she's quicker than I am even now!!

While searching for some kind of lifeline to throw to her, I remembered a three part guideline I heard somewhere years ago, a sort of algorithm that helps us decide to speak or not. Thought I'd write it here since I will surely need to refer back to it myself:

Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?

I think if I applied this filter, I'd be talking a whole lot less. True is not so much of a problem. Kind seems pretty clear too. I myself get real hung up on necessary. Necessary for what? For self-expression? For intimacy? For growth? For entertainment? Sometimes those seem to conflict with each other.

I suppose like most things, I just have to try it and see what happens. Maybe my mind is trying to make this more complicated than it really is. Maybe it's sort of like a Zen koan -- the gift is in the process of asking the question, not in the answer.

ps: quick update: I printed these three questions out several times in tiny font and left the page on her desk without a word. She came downstairs later and showed me with a shy grin that she had taped them to both her cell phone and her computer screen. Bless this kid's heart. She's gonna do just fine ...