an important distinction

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live. It is asking others to live as one wishes to live.

-- Oscar Wilde

it's my turn!

his name is kevin. meeting him was like slipping my hand into a well fitted glove. it has been seamless and joyful and funny and beautiful. the kids adore him, and vice versa. no compromising has been required. who knows what the future may bring, but for now, I am exactly where I want to be.

I know you hear me proclaiming often that Anything Can Happen, but today I want to shout it from the mountaintops:

Do not settle for less than your heart's desire in anything!!!
It IS out there!!
And it will come to you.
What you seek is also seeking you.

Life really is one big joyful and benevolent conspiracy on your behalf. Trusting while your heart's desires make their way to you can be hard sometimes, but I am here to tell you how glad I am that I did not give up hope and settle for anything else.

Well, wait a second, that's not true! sometimes I did give up hope, and sometimes I tried valiantly to settle for less, but what is so cool is that it never worked for long. Hope would always spring eternal, and any compromise I would try to make could not be sustained.

so go ahead, give up hope. try to settle. fight and resist and shake your fist at the sky. you can't go wrong, really!

you might suffer a little bit from trying to buck the current, but you'll get tired and let go eventually, and the river of life will continue to carry you, as it always has. sometime we are so busy trying to swim that we lose touch with the awareness that we are truly being supported; that even if we just give up all effort and float, we will still be moving downstream.

It is okay to trust that current, or not if you'd rather swim ... all rivers travel a one way journey to the ocean. some quicker and wilder than others, but the destination is assured.

As the Sufi's say: The ocean refuses no river.

visual bliss

you HAVE to see this guy's transcendental artwork:

www.isaacimagery.com

(some of you may recognize his name from the chakra painting on my office wall.)


oh oh oh, and look at this one too! especially if you have pets. I am so blessed to be surrounded by such delightful talent!

www.karenwindness.com

an experiment

you know what might be interesting? Instead of subscribing to Murphy's Law, try looking at everything that happens as part of a giant benevolent conspiracy on your behalf.

I like this turnaround from The Work of Byron Katie: when something happens that you think should not have, see if you can find three ways that your life might actually have improved because of what occurred.

For example, let's say a construction delay snarls you in locked up traffic for 30 extra minutes. It would be easy to get aggravated about that, yes? okay, 3 ways your life could be better because of that delay:

1) you can sit in your perfectly climate controlled car. listening to music of your choice, and take deep breaths to calm and relax you, knowing you have a perfectly valid and understandable excuse for being late to wherever you are heading
2) you could call a friend using your cell phone and talk for 30 whole minutes with no distractions
3) you have time to balance your checkbook, file your nails, and get your daytimer or palm pilot all up to date

gosh, I don't know about you, but when I read those I kind of hope for traffic!

If life is indeed no more and no less than what we make of it, then it seems pretty worthwhile to try this experiment. One little list turns traffic from a curse into a blessing. I say ... hey, why not try it on everything?

moving on up

I am so excited about the success of one of my colleagues, Michael Neill. He and I have been in contact over the years sharing insights stimulated by reading each other's ideas. His book You Can Have What You Want has just become a bestseller on Amazon.

Unbeknownst to each other, we began blogging on exactly the same day, using exactly the same template. His blog, http://www.projectbestseller.blogspot.com
chronicles his journey to becoming an officially famous author (that's my interpretation of what is happening to him anyway.) He is insightful, funny, and refreshingly willing to expose his quintessential humanity rather than hide behind a layer of pretense. I bet you will enjoy him too. here's his website:

http://www.geniuscatalyst.com

beauty

People who love themselves are far more attractive than those who try to become attractive. True love is perfectly compelling.

-- Alan Cohen

full bloom

a few years ago my friend shared some wisdom regarding making decisions that she had learned from one of her teachers in Boulder.

If you do not feel a CLEAR YES, then the answer is NO.

It is no coincidence that this phrase surfaced from the depths of my memory right now. You all know I have been dating lately ... need I say more?

okay, but I will anyway.

Dating has been a perfect arena for me to practice this in. Particularly since I am dating with the intention of finding a life partner. There are so many degrees of maybe! And maybe is still not yes. I would add to the teaching that luckily, in most cases, there is no hurry, and we can almost always wait a while for clarity to surface.

but sometimes, no matter how long you wait, the only input you receive from your inner guidance is just a murky sort of maybe. I appreciate the reminder that this still qualifies in the final analysis as a NO.

Until recently, I had forgotten what a clear yes really felt like. I had almost convinced myself that a solid maybe was equivalent to a yes.

I am happy to report that I now remember! A clear yes is not doused in adrenaline. It is not dreamy and ungrounded, nor is it forced by pro and con lists or the mind in overdrive.

A clear yes is very quiet. It feels like the next logical step. It is not impatient or frantic or under any pressure at all to do anything. It simply whispers a peaceful and serene affirmation that is not vulnerable to doubt or suggestion.

In fact, what I have noticed about it this time that I forgot from before, (it has been a looong time!) is that it almost does not say anything in words. It is more of a feeling of appropriateness coming from the body rather than a verbal suggestion from the mind. There is really no way to argue with it.

I better reveal my agenda in telling you this: I am hoping to inspire you to take a few minutes to calibrate yourself to your own Yes. Remember how it feels to stand beyond the shadow of a doubt.

Isn't that a great visual? Beyond the shadow of a doubt. Beyond the place where darkness can impact the light. For major decisions, that feeling is worth waiting for. And if it does not come, then you are probably safe in assuming that your truth is NO.

evolving truth

a quote related to my 'knowing no-thing' post
from the Conversations with God books:

... their evolving truth about a thing differs from what they said their truth would always be. And so, they are deeply conflicted. What to obey — my truth, or my promise?

Advice?

Betrayal of yourself in order not to betray another is betrayal nonetheless. It is the highest betrayal.

I would not ever want a person to keep their promise to me if it required them to violate their own integrity. Nor would I be in relationship with anyone who required that of me.

If we ask anyone to betray themselves for us, our 'love' is built upon a foundation of shifting sands: fear, resentment, and distrust. Yes, it is painfully human to want predictability and stability and all that good stuff. But can it truly be guaranteed, even with the best of intentions? the reality of life is that things, people, and situations change. seems to me that the only way to cope with that is to be willing to accept it.

the one commmitment I can make with full integrity to anyone is that I will share my evolving truth with them as I become aware of it. it's the only promise that I have any chance of keeping.

can true love exist without free will?

sticks and stones

here are my follow up musings on name calling, which I referred to in to my post about sibling rivalry.

It seems like a good idea to many parents to control the language their children are using, be it swearing, name calling, or general rudeness. When they tell me this, I reply cheerfully, "Good luck with that!"

This is no different than any other parenting battle, and you will almost certainly lose it at some point. The more you try to control what your kid is saying, the more fun it becomes for him to remind you that you cannot. You could beat him within an inch of his life, not that I recommend this approach, and he could still mumble obscenities at his brother under his remaining breath five minutes later. Autonomy is the most powerful drive for a lot of growing humans, remember? sure, some kids are so compliant that they just happily adjust themselves to your preferences. and chances are that if you have that kind of kid, you are not hiring a parenting consultant!

so if your kids are feisty and independent and will go to any lengths to avoid being controlled, what do you do? gosh I hope you love this answer as much as I do ... it is so sweetly simple.

first, decide clearly for yourself or in collusion with your spouse what standards for language will apply in your family. there are a wide range of possibilities here. To me, language is just words, and in my house, anything goes. My kids are very much able to control their tongues in public and school, so they are not socially handicapped by my choice not to make this a battle. We have talked about how other folks may be offended, and that in certain situations it just may not work real well to talk in certain ways. But of course, depending on your values, that may or may not work for your family standard. So get clear on your expectations, and communicate them to your kids.

oh, and don't forget ... you better be able to follow them yourself! hypocrisy doesn't really add much to your credibility.

Second, decide what the consequences will be for straying outside the boundaries. this is a critical part to get right. these consequences absolutely must be solely under your control. for example, "Kids who use appropriate language are welcome to come to the park with me. If I hear you using words that might be offensive to others, I won't be comfortable taking you out in public, so we'll just stay home and you can play in the backyard."

make sure you tie the loss of opportunity or privilege to something the kids want to do, not something you need or want to do. something that you would just as soon not bother doing for them is even better!

then just sit back happily and wait for an opportunity to apply your consequence with kindness, maintaining the attitude that it really does not mattter to you at all if they never go to the park again. Say your piece, then busy yourself doing something else. I promise, the backyard gets old quick!

the magic of this approach is that you have removed your attention and anger and powerlessness as a reinforcer for their behavior. without those things, it is just not so much fun anymore. Won't be all that long before the kids CHOOSE a different approach to language use - simply because it works better for them to do so. no control, no force, no battle. just a choice. autonomy preserved.


name calling seems to be an especially hot trigger for some parents. they just hate hearing their little cherubs rip each other to shreds verbally. once again, your attention is what makes this game so much fun. if you were to be a fly on the wall, you might even notice that the 'victim' antagonizes the 'perpetrator' so he can then come running to you and complain! all that sympathy is worth the trauma ...

can you imagine how much fun it would be for you to say this to your kids:

everyone is entitled to their opinion, and to share it. this is a free country! and we are also all free to decide what to believe and what to listen to. so if it was me, and my brother was sharing his opinion about me and I did not like hearing it, I might just decide to play somewhere else for a while.

I suspect that after a few of these responses, the complaints would rapidly diminish. words only have the power we choose to give them! don't teach your child to give any weight to someone else's opinion of him. if you freak out because one kid calls another stupid, what are you teaching them both? that it actually means something! if they called each other purple, would you intervene?

the nature of love online

I've been exchanging a series of fascinating emails with an author in Nigeria who contacted me after reading one of my articles about overcoming rejection. His niche is educating folks about the international scams being perpetuated upon unsuspecting online daters who believe they have fallen in love with someone from another country. Some kind of crisis happens and their beloved suddenly needs an infusion of cash, and before they know what hit their open hearts and wallets, they have lost thousands of dollars to a devastating and deliberately organized scheme. (his site is www.elovedeceptions.com)

He and I have been discussing what makes people so vulnerable to this scam. Here is an excerpt of my response to his question asking what I think the problem is with love online:
*******
the problem with love? there seems to be a presuppposition in the question
that I can't agree with. Love is just love. No problem there. but
attachment, need fulfillment, escape from loneliness, and other things that
masquerade as love, well, those might be problems for some, if they get them
confused with love.

I don't know about having trouble finding love in the real world. I
experience love all over the place ... under every rock it seems. If we
look at love as internal, as the lens through which we interact with the
world, then the problem is not out there. it's inside. so many don't know
how to connect with love on their own. not that I do it perfectly either, but at least I am aware of that and know to focus my attention on that instead of trying to get anyone else to do it for me. on my good days anyhow!!!

I think the popularity of online relationships has a lot to do with
projection. when you don't see someone in person, you can easily fill in
all the mysteries with your own ideals. and then it seems as though all of
your needs are met, and of course that feels great. like the words to that
song ... imaginary lovers never let you down.

what people are seeking is that feeling of being connected ... and they
think it is connection to another person, but really it is connection to
Love, the source of all consciousness.

so when they fall in love, they connect with their own hearts, and it feels great. I think maybe the best we can hope for in relationship is to consciously experience our individual connnections to Love together: my presence encourages you to connect with your heart, and yours encourages me to connect with mine, and then we can play together by creating on that mutual playground.

but lots of people don't ever realize that it's not the other person who is doing it for them. so when the Other goes away, in their grief or sadness or blame or resentment or whatever, they lose their connection with their own hearts, but think it is because of the absence of Other. and it's not.
*******
I'm grateful to Alan for giving me the opportunity to articulate this theory in this way. and I am curious to hear your thoughts on it as well ....

Preventing Sibling Rivalry

noticed that this postcard has been getting read a lot on my website lately, so thought maybe it was worth a re-print:

I'm at the kitchen table writing on my laptop while my ten year old son tackles and pins the six year old neighbor girl in the living room. It's a wrestling match. When the kitchen timer rings, the next round will be my seven year old daughter against the eleven year old neighbor boy. Sometimes they do tag team.

To the casual observer I may look negligent, but I'm actually quite conscious of every move. My laissez-faire style has developed from countless hours spent observing such altercations from a quietly attentive eye in the back of my head. This group of kids has always displayed an underlying concern for each other. They've earned the privilege of holding wrestling matches. Despite the many thumps, thuds and crashes, no one has ever been hurt.

The big ones somehow control their bodies so as not to hurt the little ones. It is really an amazing thing to witness . . . I'm not quite sure how they do it. They're like puppies. They feel where each person stops and starts, they sense the line between play and abuse, and they really don't want to cross it. They just need and want to get physical in their play together.

Parents are often concerned about physical interactions between kids. We feel the urge to rush in and protect the little ones. We set down all kinds of rules designed to keep things safe -- no hitting, no pushing, sometimes even no name-calling (I'll tackle that one in another article). But these rules are not necessary for the kids. They are for us, so that we feel like watchful and responsible parents. In most cases, kids do not want to hurt each other. Even when they are fighting for real, not just wrestling. They simply want to defend their own bodies, possessions and personal space.

For example, if one child grabs a toy that another child was already using, the natural reaction will be to grab it back, push the offender away, and then go back to playing. Rarely will the one who was using the toy put it down in order to pursue or punish the offender. And rarely will the offender persist more than once or twice when met with this kind of resistance.

It is only when we grownups interfere with this natural feedback loop that things can get out of control. This is because often we ask the one who was violated to use his or her words to get the toy back. Guess what, folks? This hardly ever works with young children! They are physical, not verbal. I know, we think we are teaching them to be civilized and all that. But to take away a child's natural and appropriate defense against a violation and substitute one that is usually ineffective leaves the child with no way to protect himself. At which point he becomes an enticing victim, and as he is violated again and again and not allowed to defend himself effectively he gets angry. And when we aren't looking he really wallops the other kid.

I first observed this dynamic when my daughter was about a year old. She would just grab a toy out of her 3 year old brother's hand and run away. I had taught him that under no circumstances was he to hit his sister. She totally ignored his civilized request that the toy be returned. So unless he came and got me and asked me to intervene, he lost his toy!

My rule had disempowered him and set him up to be victimized. It also made me the enforcer, and involved me in almost every one of their interactions. If I was too busy to help, he lost. When I got interrupted repeatedly from whatever I was doing to be the toy police, I lost!

It didn't take long for me to see that this was just not going to work. I was annoyed from the constant interruptions. My baby daughter was well on her way to becoming a bully. And coincidentally, right around that same time something strange happened to our hallway. It must have become a lot narrower, because suddenly it seemed impossible for them to pass each other in opposite directions without his elbow making contact with her chest and knocking her over. (and we wonder about the roots of sibling rivalry)

So I taught him that he was allowed to take back whatever she grabbed, using words accompanied by force if necessary. And he was also allowed to hold her arms down to her sides when she started hitting him. In this way balance was restored. She learned that there were unpleasant consequences to grabbing and hitting. He learned how to defend his space without becoming overly angry or aggressive. I was relieved to see that they could really work things out on their own without my constant intervention. And as an added bonus, our hallway returned to its normal size.

A key part to this strategy is that the one who is enforcing their boundaries is not allowed to use any more force than is necessary to stop the attack. So if my son were to grab the toy back and then chase her around the house hitting her over the head with it, I'd need to intervene.

When I encouraged this intuitive balancing, conditions became very conducive to forgiveness. Anger did not build up to the level of a grudge. A violation occurred, it was corrected, and they got right back to the business of playing, which was all they wanted to do in the first place.

I wonder what a child raised in this way would have to say about the current world situation? Maybe that people must not be allowed to hurt other people, violate boundaries, or threaten the safety of others. So we will use only exactly as much force as is necessary to protect ourselves and others from violation. And then as soon as possible we'll get back to the business of living together as stewards of this planet.

Copyright 2001 Karen Alonge

love is in the air

suddenly it seems that many of my friends who used to be single are in love. the blessed kind of love that is not a compromise, or a decision, or settling, or giving up or giving in. the kind that is clear and strong and without a doubt to be found. love that expands both lover and beloved, that encourages each to be more of who they already are when they are together. When I see it my heart just wants to burst with joy and gratitude. someday it will be my turn to experience this too...

for now, I'll just enjoy loving the Mystery as it manifests in these gorgeous red rocks in Sedona ...

just go around

I've been humbled with gratitude recently as I observe the universe finding a myriad of magical and creative ways to take care of me.

I used to lament my lack of intuition back when I conceptualized it as hearing an inner voice immediately answering any question you could ask. I am not internally visual, and I believed I was handicapped in some way when other people could take magical journeys in their imagination and come back with clear answers, and all I saw in my mind's eye was darkness.

But now I know better, much to my relief. My Reiki teacher, Laurie Grant, taught me that inner guidance comes in many forms -- auditory, visual, kinesthetic, and in my case, just a clear and untraceable feeling of knowing. Although my intuition is quick when I tune in for clients, when I ask for myself, it is not that direct or immediate. But it is reliable and trustworthy, if I am willing to watch and wait for it.

I can't tell you how often I have asked for guidance on some decision that I need to make, and within an hour a song I have not heard in years will come on the radio, and the lyrics will contain the insight I was seeking. or a random quote will come by email and present just the re-frame I was needing. or a friend will call to tell me a story that happened to him and inside that story is the last piece of my puzzle and my next step becomes clear.

Today while walking along the creek pondering obstacles to happiness or success, and wondering about the many different ways to handle them, I looked over into the water, and there was a big rock right in the middle of a little waterfall. And you know what? The water was not at all perturbed by the presence of that rock. Its flow was not diminished. It just went right around it, effortlessly negotiating the path of least resistance.


so often I think we humans get the idea that we have to remove obstacles in order to progress along our paths. but maybe it's just quicker and easier to navigate around them. if we see only one way, and that way is blocked, it might be easier to take a step back and see if there is another way to go than to dynamite the rock or try to lift it up or shove it aside.

what's more, the water, in time, will have its way with that rock. effortlessly, just by surrendering to the forces of gravity, it will wear it down and carve it away. no hurry. no strain. no force. just alignment with natural laws. hmmmm....

apple falling ...

my daughter is a budding young writer ... in my opinion, a much better one than me! she just started publishing her stories on her own blog: www.tessatonka.blogspot.com

I'm so proud I could burst!

regret

losing my personal wrestling match with regret tonight. yesterday I made a choice that seemed appropriate for me based on what I believed to be true at the time. today I feel heavy and burdened with second thoughts and doubts in hindsight.

I know better than to indulge in pursuing this line of painful thinking. heck, you all see me write about that all the time! but for whatever reason, I find myself mulling things over and over in my mind, like when I was a kid and lost a tooth and my tongue just couldn't help poking itself into the hollow crater.

The whole battle is internal, between parts of myself. It's not really about the choice I made. It's about not quite yet being able to accept and forgive myself for making it. I know intellectually that the remedy is to bring love and forgiveness to all the voices and pieces that make up the totality of my essence, and yet I have not done it.

wallowing is an interesting thing. I know better, but do it anyway. what's up with that? my pain will linger until my mind decides to jump this track and get back into alignment with thoughts of well being and trusting myself and the universe. pretty simple, really. but I have not yet made the decision to do it.

even though it is my work to know a million and one tricks to help other people release themselves from self-created suffering, here I am, feeling locked inside my own cage! I have to smile a little at the irony of that.

sometimes, the best thing to do is just go to bed, pull the covers over my head, and let sleep work its magic on my thoughts. in the morning, the birds will be singing, the sun will be dancing on my ceiling, and I just might wake up forgetting to be mad at myself.

postscript at dawn the next day:
well, the sun is indeed shining, and there are some cracks in my shell of heaviness which the light will soon penetrate and break open to reveal the tenderness and compassion within. I bet as soon as I take a walk with my friend this morning I'll feel much better. that's my second most reliable trick (sleeping it off being the first) -- listen to someone and pay more attention to them than to my own spinning thinking.

hope you have a good day today, and thank you for being here.

post postscript:
ahhh, the hot water of the shower (my third most reliable trick) seems to have loosened up even more of my awareness. I see more clearly what is keeping me stuck. I'm not trusting the universe at the moment, putting too much pressure on myself to know the outcome of my choices, which is impossible. Basically, the name of this gremlin is impatience. I want to know right now how it will all turn out, or even better, force it to turn out the way I prefer. I want to control and manage far more than is reasonable. And those desires have the same effect on me as if I was banging my poor head against a brick wall. Think I'll head on down the page here and re-read my post from the dating files. you know I write these far more for myself than for you, right? LOL
ta ta for now!

loving the mystery

a friend sent me this quote from the book Emptiness Dancing by Adyashanti.
so timely given what I've been pondering lately...

"When we are in relationship as our own radiant
emptiness, the relationship is beautiful because we
are being what we are. Essentially we are in love with
a mystery. Mystery is in love with itself. When this
mystery is in relationship with an other, whether the
so-called other is the flower, the bird, the wind, the
coldness, or a human being, it relates to these as an
expression of the same mystery.

This is true sacred relationship, when we see that we
are really in relationship with the manifestation of
the mystery: here as this, here as that, here as him,
here as her, here as coldness, here as bitterness,
here as sweetness.

To be in relationship in this way is simple. It is
humble. It is very intimate. Then you can meet another
person in a whole different way. You return to
something that is innocent, where you are finally
willing to tell the truth, not to hide, not to force
consciousness into some relationship agenda, but to
simply let it emerge."

fame

I was very impressed with this huge meteor crater near Flagstaff. Scientists have determined that just before impact, it was traveling over 11 miles per second! and all it has to show for all that speed is a big ole hole in the ground.

fame ... how fleeting! ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

(that's my mom, me, and my daughter)

blooming

this cactus blooms for only one day every year, and it chose the day after we arrived to grace my mom's front yard with its beauty.

cactus medicine: open yourself deeply and completely into this moment ... tomorrow may be too late.

knowing no-thing

Is it part of growing older that you realize you know nothing?

I'm not talking about that saying that goes 'the more you know, the more you realize how much you don't know.'

I'm referring to the knowing part of knowing nothing.

Let me try to explain this as clearly as I can. When I was younger, I thought I knew things. When I fell in love at 19, and then married him at 21, I knew that we would be together forever. I knew where my life was going and how it would get there. I knew what was important to me and what I wanted. When I had kids, I knew what they needed to grow up healthy and happy, and I knew how to give it to them.

Suddenly, I find myself approaching my 40th birthday this summer as a single mother who most days doesn't even know what she wants to eat for lunch. I am keenly aware of the fleeting nature of everything. All I know for sure is that anything could change at any time. I have a hard time answering questions about my opinions or preferences, because new information could come in and my perspective could change before I finish my sentence. When I go back and read articles I wrote years ago, I sometimes cringe and wonder how I could have been so sure about things.

It's tough for me now to make promises about the future, especially if emotions or feelings are involved. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, but did not acquire any kind of tangible evidence that planning for something consistently results in its occurrence.

As Stephen Levine says, "How then shall we live?" Being aware that anything could change at any time is unorthodox, and a tad unsettling until you get accustomed to it. I write my daytimer schedule in pencil, because one ring of the phone in the morning could reorganize my whole day. Back in my days of knowing, that phone call could trigger lots of resistance and thinking that things should not happen that way. Now, my thinking is more likely to sound like "Huh, okay then! This will be interesting." The deepest personal integrity I can muster up is to warn people about my ephemeral nature, so they can choose to hang out elsewhere if constancy is important to them.

But you know what? I kind of like it that way. I like not knowing. It's lots more fun than figuring it all out ahead of time. How boring it would be for my life to be limited to only what I can imagine! or even worse, to be limited only to what I can know or figure out.

I ask and then answer my own question: How then do I live? by embracing the paradox. by accepting that I can truly not know anything anymore, and nevertheless I can take the next step on the road to nowhere. or now-here, which I like even better. no more than that, and no less. just one step at a time, sauntering along a path that has no destination, and savoring every minute of it.