beyond consequences

wanted to be sure you all heard about this interesting site and book for parents of kids with behavioral issues. I realize that most of you have kids who are boisterous and clever but well within normal limits, however I think their approach generalizes quite well to average kids, too.

http://www.beyondconsequences.com/aboutus.html

For those of you who don't have time to go there and read the articles or get the book, here's my little synopsis:

Kids misbehave when they are overwhelmed in a variety of ways. They regress to earlier and more habitually ingrained types of learned behavior when under stress. Punishing them or applying cold and calculating consequences does nothing to address the root cause of misbehavior. In fact, it has the opposite effect -- it actually increases stress. (not to even mention how many kids spend their 'time out' plotting revenge.)

Inappropriate behavior is a signal that the child has lost control and is unable to regulate his body or mind to stay within appropriate limits. Therefore it follows that the child is in no frame of mind to learn a lesson or make different choices. He needs to cool down first.

They recommend that acting out be addressed by paying attention to what factors might be overtaxing to the child's system, and then either modifying them to reduce the stimulus, or teaching additional coping strategies. Show empathy for the child's frustration while taking an attitude of caring concern and helpfulness rather than anger or blame. When the child has calmed down, you can talk together about how to avoid the explosion next time.

Basically what I get from it is this: Kids don't misbehave because they don't like you or want to tick you off. Most of the time they are not even doing it on purpose. They act out when they cannot figure out anything else to do to release frustration, steam, anxiety or fear. Help them with those issues, and their behavior becomes decent again.

I wholeheartedly agree with their assumption that kids want to behave well under normal circumstances, and that if they are misbehaving, it is for a reason that can be addressed at the root rather than cutting off the branches. We all know how branches have a tendency to sprout new and hardier growth after we prune them!

And you know what ... I betcha this approach works great with adults, too! Wouldn't it be lovely for your honey to cut you some slack next time you are all cranky instead of jumping on you verbally to correct you or call you on it, or getting defensive? How much would you love hearing this in response to some snarky comment you make: "Oh, you must have had a hard day today. Can I do anything to help you?"

nice, huh? Let me know what happens if you decide to try it ...